Winter humor-diary of a Demented Snow Shoveler

[vbhoutex]

Thank you Pburgh for this

Diary of a Demented Snow Shoveler

December 8 6:00 PM
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9

We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had!

Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!

December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry - we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful!

Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14
Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15

20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska , after all.

December 16

Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17

Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God, I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20

Electricity is back on, but had another 14 inches of the white stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all day. The snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have Another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of snow fell today, and it's so cold, It probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes To get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to pee. By the time I got undressed, peed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the ***hole is lying.

December 23
Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think she's lying.

December 24
6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the ***hole who drives that snow plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his b***s and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas Carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the snowplow.

December 25
Merry freaking Christmas! 20 more inches of the white slop tonight - snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The WITCH is driving me crazy!!!

December 29
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only for the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ***. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.

December 31
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

[HURAKAN]

Very happy to live in Miami!

[breeze]

I whine and complain about having to shovel a 4 yard path of 5" snow maybe once or twice
a year...!

[srainhoutx]

And here all we folks south of I-20 (in TX ) have been dreaming about snow...

[Stephanie]

I just copied and sent this to all of my family and friends here in New Jersey. Any one of us could've written that one this year!

[southerngale]

I love this! It had me cracking up.

[tomboudreau]

I feel like this guy! We have had snow 11 out of the first 16 days in Pittsburgh. We are closing in on our snowiest month EVER! All I do is shovel snow off the driveway. With the short incline that our driveway is, if I don't clear it, the car will end up in the road. We will probably achieve our snowiest month ever by this weekend. At least its not mind numbing cold. Have received over 38 inches of snow for the month, and over 66 inches of snow for the season. I just want to cry uncle!

[MGC]

I've never shoveled snow in my life and don't intend to start....MGC

[Dave]

Change the dates to February 2010 and location to Ripley county Indiana! Btw the little white pills aren't really that bad!

[Stephanie]

Change the dates to February 2010 and location to Ripley county Indiana! Btw the little white pills aren't really that bad!

[wx247]

Hilarious... and pretty spot on. That was us around here during the winter of 2002-2003. I still have a tiny pile of snow left from where I piled the snow while shoveling a few weeks back. The rain should wash that away tonight.

[Brent]

[Scott Patterson]

Remind me of here in a normal year, but this winter has been really dry. We've only had 39 inches of snow since October, which is well below normal. The coldest we've had so far this winter has been -34F, but it's been overall quite a bit warmer than normal since mid-January.

Anyway, snow and cold in winter get old sometimes, but doesn't bother me that much. Winter is supposed to be cold and snowy. It's the snowstorms and hard freezes in mid-June that are annoying. When you are scraping the snow and ice off the car in June it really makes me think that the snow thing is getting really old and annoying. Thank goodness for July and August. It only snows in the mountains then.