Hurricane Humor--My favorite way to kick off the season

[rockyman]

Insurance & Hurricane Preparedness Tips

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

We're entering hurricane season. You may soon be turning on the TV and seeing a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and making two basic meteorological points:

(1) There is no need to panic. (2) We could all be killed

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be on the Gulf Coast. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one.'' Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:

STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.

STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.

STEP 3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.



Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan . Most people will foolishly stay here on the Gulf Coast. We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:


HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:

If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:

(1) It is reasonably well-built, and (2) It is located in Nebraska.

Unfortunately, if your home is located on the Gulf Coast , or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place.

So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss. Since Hurricane Georges, I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.


SHUTTERS:

Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane all the toilets. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:

Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.

Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.

Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.

Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.

Hurricane Proofing Your Property:

As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc. You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.

EVACUATION ROUTE:

If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, Texas or Florida, you live in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.

HURRICANE SUPPLIES:

If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Hurricane tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who get the last can of SPAM.

In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:

* 23 flashlights

* At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.

* Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)

* A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.

* A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through Camille; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)

* $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man (with no discernible teeth, but lots of generators).

Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.

Good luck, and remember: Its great living in Paradise!

Aloha!

[jimvb]

Step 3 above won't work. There is going to be a hurricane in Nebraska this year. It will come up the Mississippi and Missouri rivers and get its energy from their waters, and it will head toward Omaha, Lincoln, and Scottsbluff. This is my own wacky forecast and nothing that any official agency such as NHC would put out.

[wx247]

Step 3 above won't work. There is going to be a hurricane in Nebraska this year. It will come up the Mississippi and Missouri rivers and get its energy from their waters, and it will head toward Omaha, Lincoln, and Scottsbluff. This is my own wacky forecast and nothing that any official agency such as NHC would put out.

If it does, I am going to be in trouble.

I really did enjoy reading that but the whole time I thought, "If you move to Nebraska...you'll just get hit by a tornado".

[HurricaneJoe22]

Here's some humor from Dave Barry, Miami Herald columnist:


A tip for the hurricane season: Try to have some kind of a clue
DAVE BARRY

The 2006 hurricane season is here, and if you're a resident of Florida, you know what that means: It means you have the IQ of bean dip. If you had any working brain cells, by now you'd have moved to some less risky place, such as Iraq. This is especially true after last hurricane season, which was so bad that we went all the way through the alphabet of official names and had to refer to the last batch of hurricanes by making primitive grunting sounds.

Unfortunately, it appears we're in for another bad season. The National Center for Making Everybody Nervous About Hurricanes is predicting that this season there will be 10 major hurricanes, defined as ``hurricanes that cause Bryan Norcross to lose his voice.''

According to the center's computer simulations, at least four of those storms will hit the mainland United States, and at least one of those will come directly to your house and cause a tree branch, traveling at 150 mph, to impale you through your chest. (Bear in mind that these are only predictions. It could also be your skull.)

IMPORTANT TIPS

That's why it is so important that you be ready for hurricane season. Here are some tips to help you prepare:

TIP 1: TRY TO HAVE SOME KIND OF A CLUE.

Let me explain:

When a hurricane is approaching South Florida, we get a LOT of advance warning. Usually for the entire week leading up to its arrival, the newspaper prints large headlines that say HURRICANE COMING, along with many stories reminding people to stock up on water, gas and food. All the radio stations announce roughly every 25 seconds that a hurricane is coming and people will need water, gas and food. On TV, Bryan spends hour after hour pointing at the oncoming radar blob and rasping, in the voice of an ailing seal, about the need to stock up on water, gas and food.

So what happens, EVERY SINGLE TIME? I'll tell you! Immediately after the hurricane passes, lines begin to form all over South Florida -- lines of people, thousands of them, who are in desperate need of -- water, gas and food! WHERE HAVE THESE PEOPLE BEEN? Did the hurricane winds just carry them here from Madagascar? Can they not function on their own for 24 hours without having to get into a line? How can they not even have WATER?? Were they not aware that, as the hurricane approached, they could have gotten all the water they needed MERELY BY TURNING ON THE FREAKING WATER FAUCET???

That's what I mean by ``have some kind of clue.''

TIP 2: BE PREPARED FOR POWER OUTAGES.

As you know, Florida Power & Light had some problems last hurricane season, when it was discovered that, because of an error in the engineering specifications, thousands of the company's power poles were in fact really tall breadsticks. FPL has been working hard on this problem, and a company spokesperson states that this year, if we are struck by another Wilma-level hurricane, FPL personnel will immediately implement an action plan designed to provide all customers, as quickly and as safely as possible, with realistic-sounding excuses as to why their power will not be restored for an indeterminate period of time.

EXPLANATION OF `OOPS!'

''Our goal is to have plausible excuses for 80 percent of our customers within three days,'' stated an FPL spokesperson. ``Of course it may take longer, especially if we have to bring in excuses from other power companies.''

So just in case, you might want to invest in a generator. These invaluable machines enable you, even when your power is out, to annoy the hell out of your neighbors. If you do get a generator, remember the basic rules of generator safety:

• Don't drink and generate.

• If you are a guy, and you get into a dispute with a neighbor guy over who has a bigger generator, do NOT attempt to settle the dispute by holding a ``spark-off.''

• Never bathe with a generator while it is running.

MOVE IT OR LOSE IT

One final note: If we do lose power, the traffic signals will be out. That's why it's so important to remember:

TIP 3: KNOW THE CORRECT PROCEDURE FOR A FOUR-WAY STOP.

What do I mean by ''the correct procedure for a four-way stop?'' I mean: Get out of my way.

[TSmith274]

The Dave Barry one is good stuff. Breadstick power poles... hey, no need to stock up on food! Perhaps the power company should hand out jars of marinara as a goodwill gesture.

[dizzyfish]

This part just kills me

So what happens, EVERY SINGLE TIME? I'll tell you! Immediately after the hurricane passes, lines begin to form all over South Florida -- lines of people, thousands of them, who are in desperate need of -- water, gas and food! WHERE HAVE THESE PEOPLE BEEN? Did the hurricane winds just carry them here from Madagascar? Can they not function on their own for 24 hours without having to get into a line? How can they not even have WATER?? Were they not aware that, as the hurricane approached, they could have gotten all the water they needed MERELY BY TURNING ON THE FREAKING WATER FAUCET???

(unfortunately it's so true!)

[jimvb]

That bit about HURRICANE COMING reminds me of a poem I wrote in 1996. It seems that not every hurricane headed our way goes our way. Felix in 1996 is a counterexample. Here is the poem:

Felix the Hurricane

There once was a hurricane named Felix.

It was born in the warm waters of the Atlantic.
It grew into a mature storm that
Prided itself on its sleekness,
As its spiral feet pawed silently through the seas,
As it arched its clouds to the west,Its inner hurricane-force winds
Purred with contentment.

It wanted to go to its favorite place.
Kitty Hawk, North Carolina.

It sauntered proudly
with its tailwinds proudly high,
Its eye pupil wide open,
towards the Outer Banks.

The people saw it coming.
They yelled at it.
"Hurricane!"
"Warning!"
"Hurricane Warning!"

Poor Felix did what any alley cat would do,
upon hearing people screaming at it.

It ran away.

[decgirl66]

Insurance & Hurricane Preparedness Tips

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

We're entering hurricane season. You may soon be turning on the TV and seeing a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and making two basic meteorological points:

(1) There is no need to panic. (2) We could all be killed

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be on the Gulf Coast. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one.'' Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:

STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.

STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.

STEP 3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.



Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan . Most people will foolishly stay here on the Gulf Coast. We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:


HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:

If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:

(1) It is reasonably well-built, and (2) It is located in Nebraska.

Unfortunately, if your home is located on the Gulf Coast , or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place.

So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss. Since Hurricane Georges, I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.


SHUTTERS:

Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane all the toilets. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:

Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.

Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.

Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.

Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.

Hurricane Proofing Your Property:

As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc. You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.

EVACUATION ROUTE:

If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, Texas or Florida, you live in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.

HURRICANE SUPPLIES:

If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Hurricane tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who get the last can of SPAM.

In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:

* 23 flashlights

* At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.

* Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)

* A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.

* A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through Camille; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)

* $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man (with no discernible teeth, but lots of generators).

Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.

Good luck, and remember: Its great living in Paradise!

Aloha!

Sooooo funny!

[JPmia]

Create a line and stand in it with your gas can for practice.

Have a neighborhood shutter up competition to see who can put up shutters the fastest; of course those with Rolladen's are banned!

[Ivan14]

LOL these are so funny.

[OuterBanker]

Three contractors are bidding to fix the White House fence. One from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, Florida. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.

"Well," he says. "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers: "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

"Easy," the Jerseyian explains, "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hire the guy from Tennessee."

[tallbunch]

they are all funny