All Together Now: GROAN!

[TexasStooge]

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says "You look different. What's with the wooden leg?"

The pirate says, "I was in a fight and got hit by a cannonball, but I'm fine.

The bartender says, "What about the hook at the end of your arm?"

The pirate says, "I got into a sword fight and my hand got cut off. The doctor put the hook on and I've been fine."

Finally the bartender asks, "Last time I saw you, you didn't have that patch over your eye either. What happened?"

The pirate says, "I was looking up in the sky and a bird pooped in it."

The bartender says, "You can't lose an eye just because a bird pooped in it."

The pirate responds, "First day with the hook."

[Dee Bee]

[Even with all the horror on the Gulf Coast right now, a quick smile can be good for the soul.]

-What did the Buddhist say to the hotdog vendor?

-Make me one with everything.

[TexasStooge]

[TexasStooge]

This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless, to say the helpdesk employee was fired: however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause."

Actual dialog of a former WordPerfect Customer Support
Employee: "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"
"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."

"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the c:\prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."

"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
"Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well can you see if it is?"
"No"

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"
"Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."

"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."

"A power....A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the box and manuals and packing stuff you computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!"

[texasweatherwatcher]

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!"

Here's another one:

A school librarian was talking to a student one day.

Librarian: So how were your grades in English and math?
Student: Well...they were underwater.
Librarian: Underwater?
Student: Yes. They were below C-level!

[TexasStooge]

LOL texasweatherwatcher!

Here's another one:

As most young, weak and smart kids are, Ken was picked on constantly by the bullies in school. They stole his lunch, beat him up and just downright made his life miserable. It took him a couple of weeks to find a way to get back at these bullies and when he found out what would get them back, he went all out.

He was on the bus where he normally got his lunch stolen when he brought out a bottle with small brown balls in it. After discreetly getting some milk duds from his pocket, he then put the candy in his mouth and began making 'mmm... yum!' type sounds loud enough for the other kids to hear.

The bus bully then snatched the jar from Ken's hand and asked 'What's in the bottle that you are making such a big deal of?'

'Well, they're smart pills,' Ken replied.

'Smart pills?' the bully sneered. He opened the jar and popped a couple of the foreign brown balls in his mouth.

'Pweeuuweppblahhh!' he reacted. 'What is this stuff? It tastes like rabbit poop!!!'

Ken smiled. 'See, you're getting smarter already!'

[TexasStooge]

One morning, a woman and her baby were taking a bus. As she entered the bus the driver says "Wow, that is one ugly baby."

The woman was deeply hurt. She continued to get on to the bus and found a seat next to an elderly man. The man asked her, "What's wrong? You look mad."

She replied, "I am. That bus driver just insulted me."

"You shouldn't take that from him," the man replied. "He's a public worker and should give you respect. If I was you I would take his badge number and report him."

"You're right sir, I think I will report him."

The elderly man says, "You go on up there and get his badge number. I'll hold your monkey for you."

[TexasStooge]

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician does in every trick.

Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show: Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table! Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all. One day the ship had an accident and sunk. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, with the parrot of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, and another, and another.

After a week the parrot finally said: OK. I give up. What'd you do with the boat?

[TexasStooge]

A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence.

"Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?"

"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green replies. "But since you're a faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."

"You sell them here?" the customer asks.

"Only $5 each," says Green. The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.

"You didn't eat enough," says Green.

The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.

"Hey, Green," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $5 apiece when I can buy the whole fish for $3. You're ripping me off!"

"You see?" says Green. "You're smarter already."

[AJC3]

Soooooo....one evening, these two blondes are sitting at a oceanside cafe in Huntington Beach, CA. It's a mild night with clear skies and a beautiful full moon.

The one blonde looks at the moon, thinks for a couple seconds, and then asks the other, "Hey, what do you think is closer, San Francisco, or the moon?"

The other looks at her friend rather quizzically, thinks for a second, then the light bulb turns on in her head. "Well...DUH!! You can SEE the moon from here!"

*ba da boomp*

[texasweatherwatcher]

What happened when the man fell into a copy machine?

He was beside himself!

[TexasStooge]

What happened when the man fell into a copy machine?

He was beside himself!

GGGGGGRRRRROOOOOOAAAAANNNNN!!!!!

[TexasStooge]

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a frim grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.

The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when......

The Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut off the horse!

[texasweatherwatcher]

What do you call a baby potato?

A tater tot!


What is another term for an angry vegetable?

It's steamed!

[TexasStooge]

What do you call a baby potato?

A tater tot!


What is another term for an angry vegetable?

It's steamed!

[TexasStooge]

A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics. "So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?"

The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying. "Um ... 22."

The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?"

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot two!"

This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something the she won't have to count, measure, or lookup. "Just to confirm for our records, your name please?"

The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about fifteen seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying, "Mandy!"

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, "What were you doing when I asked you your name?"

"Oh, that!" replies the blonde," I was just running through that song, 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...'."

[scostorms]

Cher? She still looks like she is 30, but she turned 110 today.

[TexasStooge]

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"

Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed.

The next morning, Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact, he feels GREAT! No hangover! NO bad side effects, Nothing!

Then the phone rings...It's Jim.

Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"

Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"
Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover - nothing."

"We ought to do this more often."
"Yeah, well, there's just one thing...."
"What's that?"
"Have you farted yet?"
"No....."

"Well, DON'T - 'cause I'm in Phoenix!!!"

[arkess7]

[mcw]

Mama Skunk had two boys, In and Out.
One day, In was out and Out was in. Momma Skunk went to the front door to call In in. She called and called, but In did not come in. So, Momma Skunk sent Out out to bring In in. Out went out and brought In in. Momma Skunk said to Out, "Out, how did you bring In in so quickly?"
Out replied, "It was easy, Momma. Instinct".

Two hunters left the truck to go into a deeply wooded area with swamp and hills. There were no roads, but each had a map and compass. They agreed to meet back at the truck before dark. The first hunter returned at dusk, waited for his friend for an hour or so, then set out with a lantern in the direction his friend had taken. After walking a mile or so to a nearby ridgetop, he saw a small fire at the edge of a clearing below. He walked down to find his friend looking quite cold, dirty and tired, huddled by the fire. His friend remarked, "Hey, you found me! I followed the map and used my new compass, but I got all turned around and I've been walking for hours. We must be miles from the truck!"
"Well, we're only a mile or so from the truck! You must have been walking in circles. Didn't you say that's a new compass?"
"Yup. sure is. Just got me a Tates compass. Got a good deal on it, too."
"Oh, man. No wonder! Don't ever buy a Tates compass! He who has a Tates is lost!"

How do you catch a unique bird?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame bird?
Tame way.

How do you get down off an elephant?
You don't. You get down off a duck.