A young lady visited the government matchmaker for marriage and requested - "I'm looking for a spouse. Can you please help me to find a suitable one?"
The marriage officer said, "You're requirements please."
"Well, let me see. Needs to be good looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour, if I don't go out. Telling me interesting stories when I need companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest."
The officer listened carefully and replied,
"I understand. You need a television."
All Together Now: GROAN!
Moderator: S2k Moderators
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TexasStooge
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TexasStooge
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For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason:
I'm tired because I'm overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million.
104 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes!
I'm tired because I'm overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million.
104 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes!
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TexasStooge
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Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying; DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door.
Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.
He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"
"Yep, that's him," he replied.
The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"
"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.
He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"
"Yep, that's him," he replied.
The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"
"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
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TexasStooge
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One night on a lonely country road a Flying Saucer landed at a petrol station. The two aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about possible detection. In fact, the letters 'UFO' were boldly emblazoned on one side of their silvery craft. As the station owner stood gawking in amazement and nearly paralysed by the shock, his young blonde attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and waved to the aliens as they took off.
"Do you realise what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered.
"Yeah," said the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Didn't you see space mutants in that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde. "So?"
"And didn't you see those letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Are you tellin Me you don't know what 'UFO' means?!"
The blonde attendant rolled her eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've been working here for five years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means -
...it means 'Unleaded Fuel Only'"
"Do you realise what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered.
"Yeah," said the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Didn't you see space mutants in that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde. "So?"
"And didn't you see those letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Are you tellin Me you don't know what 'UFO' means?!"
The blonde attendant rolled her eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've been working here for five years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means -
...it means 'Unleaded Fuel Only'"
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TexasStooge
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TexasStooge
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Father Murphy walked into a pub in Donegal and said to the first man he
met, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do, Father."
The priest said, "Stand over there against the wall." Then the priest
asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then
Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to
heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when
you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group
together to go right now"
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Paddy was in New York. He stood at a busy street crossing, patiently
waiting to cross. Several times, the cop stopped the flow of traffic
and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians!" but Paddy still stood there, waiting.
After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy
approached the cop and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics
across?"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in
the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend
Finney.
"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we may as
well dance.
met, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do, Father."
The priest said, "Stand over there against the wall." Then the priest
asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then
Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to
heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when
you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group
together to go right now"
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Paddy was in New York. He stood at a busy street crossing, patiently
waiting to cross. Several times, the cop stopped the flow of traffic
and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians!" but Paddy still stood there, waiting.
After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy
approached the cop and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics
across?"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in
the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend
Finney.
"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we may as
well dance.
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TexasStooge
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At the Baseball Game
The recreational director of a mental hospital wanted to take a well-behaved group of inmates to a baseball game. The General Manager of the club was a little leery of this.
When the Recreational Director said: "If I prove to you how well behaved they are, will you let them in?" The General Director agreed.
The group of inmates came in and sat down. The Recreational Director shouted:
"Stand up, nuts!" Everyone stood up.
"Sit down, nuts!" Everyone sat down.
"Look behind you, nuts!" Everyone turned around.
Pleased with that, the General Manager let them in.
About the third inning or so, he heard a tremendous commotion! People were running helter skelter. He asked what happened and was told that someone had called out: "Peanuts!"
The recreational director of a mental hospital wanted to take a well-behaved group of inmates to a baseball game. The General Manager of the club was a little leery of this.
When the Recreational Director said: "If I prove to you how well behaved they are, will you let them in?" The General Director agreed.
The group of inmates came in and sat down. The Recreational Director shouted:
"Stand up, nuts!" Everyone stood up.
"Sit down, nuts!" Everyone sat down.
"Look behind you, nuts!" Everyone turned around.
Pleased with that, the General Manager let them in.
About the third inning or so, he heard a tremendous commotion! People were running helter skelter. He asked what happened and was told that someone had called out: "Peanuts!"
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TexasStooge
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Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them “The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.”
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.”
“Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle. “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.”
She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said “How well can you do?”
“Ummmm...I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever.
“My, my,” said the Poodle. “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.”
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?”
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says...
“Liver alone. Cheese mine.”
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them “The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.”
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.”
“Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle. “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.”
She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said “How well can you do?”
“Ummmm...I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever.
“My, my,” said the Poodle. “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.”
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?”
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says...
“Liver alone. Cheese mine.”
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TexasStooge
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A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money. "How much do they run?" he asked the clerk.
"That depends," said the salesman. "They run from $2.00 to $2,000."
"Let's see the $2.00 model," he said.
The clerk put the device around the man's neck. "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket," he instructed.
"How does it work?" the customer asked.
"For $2.00 it doesn't work," the salesman replied. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder!"
"That depends," said the salesman. "They run from $2.00 to $2,000."
"Let's see the $2.00 model," he said.
The clerk put the device around the man's neck. "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket," he instructed.
"How does it work?" the customer asked.
"For $2.00 it doesn't work," the salesman replied. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder!"
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TexasStooge
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A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee. The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.
She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?"
Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'"
She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?"
Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'"
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TexasStooge
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A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description. She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."
The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."
The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"
The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."
The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"
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TexasStooge
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I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes.
When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!
So I called him a piece of horse manure.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!
This went on for about 20 minutes... the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.
I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.
When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!
So I called him a piece of horse manure.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!
This went on for about 20 minutes... the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.
I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.
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TexasStooge
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Jack was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. The preacher grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, 'You need to join the Army of the Lord!'
Jack replied, 'I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.'
Pastor questioned, 'How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?'
He whispered back, 'I'm in the secret service.'
The Pastor said to him, 'You need to join the Army of the Lord!'
Jack replied, 'I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.'
Pastor questioned, 'How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?'
He whispered back, 'I'm in the secret service.'
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TexasStooge
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The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of Sexually Transmitted Disease. The disease is contracted through dangerous and high-risk behavior. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim and pronounced "gonna re-elect him." Many victims contracted it in 2004, after having been screwed for the past four years. Cognitive characteristics of individuals infected include: anti-social personality disorders, delusions of grandeur with messianic overtones, extreme cognitive dissonance, inability to incorporate new information, pronounced xenophobia and paranoia, inability to accept responsibility for own actions, cowardice masked by misplaced bravado, uncontrolled facial smirking, ignorance of geography and history, tendencies towards evangelical theocracy, categorical all-or-nothing behavior. Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed at how this destructive disease originated only a few years ago from a bush found in Texas.
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TexasStooge
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Going To...But First...
I have recently been diagnosed with AAADD - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it goes...
I decide to do work on the car, I start to the garage and notice the mail on the table. OK, I'm going to work on the car... BUT FIRST...
I'm going to go through the mail. Lay car keys down on desk. After discarding the junk mail, I notice the trash can is full. OK, I'll just put the bills on my desk.... BUT FIRST...
I'll take the trash out, but since I'm going to be near the mailbox, I'll address a few bills.... Yes. Now, where is the checkbook? Oops.. there's only one check left. Where did I put the extra checks? Oh, there is my empty plastic cup from last night on my desk. I'm going to look for those checks... BUT FIRST...
I need to put the cup back in the kitchen. I head for the kitchen, look out the window, notice the flowers need a drink of water, I put the cup on the counter and there's my extra pair of glasses on the kitchen counter. What are they doing here? I'll just put them away... BUT FIRST...
I need to water those plants. I head for the door and... Aaaagh! someone left the TV remote in the wrong spot. Okay, I'll put the remote away and water the plants... BUT FIRST...
I need to find those checks.
END OF DAY: Oil in car not changed, bills still unpaid, cup still in the sink, checkbook still has only one check left, lost my car keys,... And, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because... I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY! I realize this condition is serious... I'd get help... BUT FIRST...
I think I'll check my e-mail.
I have recently been diagnosed with AAADD - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it goes...
I decide to do work on the car, I start to the garage and notice the mail on the table. OK, I'm going to work on the car... BUT FIRST...
I'm going to go through the mail. Lay car keys down on desk. After discarding the junk mail, I notice the trash can is full. OK, I'll just put the bills on my desk.... BUT FIRST...
I'll take the trash out, but since I'm going to be near the mailbox, I'll address a few bills.... Yes. Now, where is the checkbook? Oops.. there's only one check left. Where did I put the extra checks? Oh, there is my empty plastic cup from last night on my desk. I'm going to look for those checks... BUT FIRST...
I need to put the cup back in the kitchen. I head for the kitchen, look out the window, notice the flowers need a drink of water, I put the cup on the counter and there's my extra pair of glasses on the kitchen counter. What are they doing here? I'll just put them away... BUT FIRST...
I need to water those plants. I head for the door and... Aaaagh! someone left the TV remote in the wrong spot. Okay, I'll put the remote away and water the plants... BUT FIRST...
I need to find those checks.
END OF DAY: Oil in car not changed, bills still unpaid, cup still in the sink, checkbook still has only one check left, lost my car keys,... And, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because... I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY! I realize this condition is serious... I'd get help... BUT FIRST...
I think I'll check my e-mail.
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TexasStooge
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Actual Analogies and Metaphors from High School Essays
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides
gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy
who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of
those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking
at high schools about the dangers of looking at solar eclipses without
one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli and he was
room-temperature Canadian beef.
She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes
just before it throws up.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because
of his wife's infidelity came as a rude
shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
bowling ball wouldn't.
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled
with vegetable soup.
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie,
surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and
Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry
them in hot grease.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the
grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left
Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at
4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that
resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East
River.
Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only
one that had been left outso long, it had rusted shut.
Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil,
this plan just might work.
The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating
for a while.
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a
real duck that was actually lame,maybe from stepping on a land mine or
something.
The ballerina raised gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg
behind, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with
power tools.
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as
if she were a garbage truck backing up.
Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any
pH cleanser.
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to
the wall.
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides
gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy
who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of
those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking
at high schools about the dangers of looking at solar eclipses without
one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli and he was
room-temperature Canadian beef.
She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes
just before it throws up.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because
of his wife's infidelity came as a rude
shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
bowling ball wouldn't.
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled
with vegetable soup.
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie,
surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and
Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry
them in hot grease.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the
grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left
Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at
4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that
resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East
River.
Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only
one that had been left outso long, it had rusted shut.
Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil,
this plan just might work.
The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating
for a while.
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a
real duck that was actually lame,maybe from stepping on a land mine or
something.
The ballerina raised gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg
behind, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with
power tools.
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as
if she were a garbage truck backing up.
Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any
pH cleanser.
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to
the wall.
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TexasStooge
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- Contact:
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus, with a huge bundle of toys.
Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.
Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated, and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The question is: Who was the survivor? Scroll down for the answer.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus, with a huge bundle of toys.
Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.
Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated, and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The question is: Who was the survivor? Scroll down for the answer.
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TexasStooge
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- Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2003 1:22 pm
- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
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Human Resource Lingo
"COMPETITIVE SALARY"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"
We have no time to train you.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.
"MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.
"CAREER-MINDED"
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
"APPLY IN PERSON"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
"COMPETITIVE SALARY"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"
We have no time to train you.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.
"MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.
"CAREER-MINDED"
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
"APPLY IN PERSON"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
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