All Together Now: GROAN!

[TexasStooge]

We've all been interviewed for jobs. And, we've all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don't bite your nails. Don't fidget. Don't interrupt. Don't belch. If we did any of the don'ts, we knew we'd disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. The lowlights:

1. ... stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.

2. She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time.

3. A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece.

4. ... asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate.

5. ... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve

6. Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.

7. Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.

8. When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office.

9 . At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left.

10. ... pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.

11. Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much.

12. While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold.

13. During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview.

14. A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "'Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?' I said, 'I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further.' He promptly responded, 'I am as long as you'll pay me more.' I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer.

15. His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume.

16. Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one.

17. ... asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security.

18. Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did needed to get a new desk.

[TexasStooge]

Planning a Christmas weekend of entertaining guests, I made a list of things I needed to do, including taking food out of the freezer and grocery shopping.

As it happened, a friend whom I had been promising to take to lunch asked if we could make it that Friday.

So, hopping into the car, I taped my "to do" list to the dashboard and went and picked her up.

As she settled into the car, her face dropped.

"Thanks a lot!" she sulked.

Then I glanced at my list and saw the first item: "Take out the Turkey."

[TexasStooge]

Simple Simon applied for a deputy sheriff's job. In the interview, the sheriff asked him, "What's one and one?"

Simon answered, "Eleven."

This wasn't what the sheriff meant, but he had to admit the boy was right. Next question: "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"

"Today and tomorrow."

The sheriff was impressed by the way Simon thought outside the box, so he challenged him. "Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

Simon looked surprized and admitted, "I don't know."

"Well, go home and work on that for a while," replied the sheriff, satisfied that he'd stumped him.

Simon went home and told his mother, "The interview went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

[TexasStooge]

Little Johnny got a prime clerk's job at the local department store. One day, a young pretty girl strolled up to the fabric store's counter where Johnny was working and asked:
"I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"That fabric Mam, is only one kiss per yard," Little Johnny smirked.

"That's fine," replied the little girl, "I'll take ten yards please."

With anticipation and excited expectation written all over his face, Little Johnny hurriedly measured out the ten yards, perfectly wrapped up the cloth and held it out teasingly.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing just behind her: "Grandpa Fester will pay the bill," she smiled...

[TexasStooge]

Last night, my blonde friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club.

One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill.

When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She called the guy back, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek.

In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the $50 bill. I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately, she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.

My relief was short-lived.

Seeing the way things are going, the guy races over to me! Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy is egging me on to try to top the $50.

My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do?

The woman in me took over! I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt, Grabbed the eighty bucks, and left!!!!

[TexasStooge]

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers.

[TexasStooge]

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully-grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure." The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his notebook and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the Internet where he called up a surveillance satellite system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response.

Finally, he prints out a 150 page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep." "That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.

Then the shepherd says: " If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?" "OK, why not." answered the young man.

"Clearly, you are a consultant." said the shepherd. "That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know anything about my business. Now give me back my dog."

[TexasStooge]

A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Are they relatives of yours?"

"Yes," his wife replied. "I married into the family."

[MiamiensisWx]

Here's one...

Two people were walking alongside a street. Suddenly, they came upon a computer lying completely smashed in front of a ten-story building.

The first person said, "I wonder how that happened."

The second person then responded, "Why else do you think they call it Windows?"

[TexasStooge]

A man learned shortly before quitting time that he had to attend a meeting. He tried unsuccessfully to locate his car-pool members to let them know that he would not be leaving with them.

He hastily scribbled a message to one fellow and left it on his desk: "I have a last-minute meeting. Leave without me. Dave."

At 7:00 p.m., the man came back to his desk and found this note: "Meet us at the bar and grill across the street. You drove, idiot!"

[Dee Bee]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been
married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl
sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

"Miss Beatrice", he said. "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"

[vbhoutex]

ROFLMAO!!! Haven't heard it in that version!!!!

[TexasStooge]

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad.

She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.

"Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell."

Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

[TexasStooge]

The Washington Post published a contest for readers in which they were asked to supply alternate meanings for various words.

The following were some of the winning entries:

Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.

Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.

[TexasStooge]

As a blonde crawls out of her wrecked car, the local sheriff asks her what happened.

The blonde began, "It was the strangest thing! I looked up and saw a tree, so I swerved to the right. Then I saw another tree, so I swerved to left. Then there was another tree, and another and another ..."

The sheriff thought for a minute and then said, "Mam ... I don't know how to tell you this, but the only thing even resembling a tree on this road for thirty miles is your air freshener."

[TexasStooge]

Bill's barn burned down, and his wife Polly called the insurance company.

Polly told the insurance company, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money."

The agent replied, "Hold on just a minute, Polly. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new barn of comparable worth."

There was a long pause before Polly replied, "Then I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."

[TexasStooge]

Two redneck guys go on a fishing trip.

They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods.

They spend a fortune.

The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything.

The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day.

It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"

The other guy says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"

[TexasStooge]

A police car pulls up in front of Grandma Bessie's house, and Grandpa Morris gets out.

The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park and couldn't find his way home.

"Oh Morris," said Grandma. "You've been going to that park for over 30 years! So how could you get lost?"

Leaning close to Grandma so that the policeman couldn't hear, Morris whispered, "I wasn't lost. I was just too tired to walk home."

[TexasStooge]

A police car pulls up in front of Grandma Bessie's house, and Grandpa Morris gets out.

The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park and couldn't find his way home.

"Oh Morris," said Grandma. "You've been going to that park for over 30 years! So how could you get lost?"

Leaning close to Grandma so that the policeman couldn't hear, Morris whispered, "I wasn't lost. I was just too tired to walk home."

[TexasStooge]

A blonde was determined to prove to her husband that all blondes were not dumb, so she decided to paint the living room.

Her husband came home and found her painting while wearing a leather jacket with a ski jacket over it.

When he asked her why she was wearing the jackets, she said the instructions said it was better with two coats.