"Hamwinkies" The Crazy News Thread

[TexasStooge]

To begin this week, we're celebrating the 400th post on this topic!!! Bring out the Hamwinkies cake!!

A new speed record, but not a good one

LYON (Reuters) - Olympique Lyon's Czech forward Milan Baros was caught speeding at 168 miles per hour in his Ferrari, a club source confirmed Friday.

Local newspaper Le Progres quoted police as saying the former Liverpool player had broken the record for speeding for that French region, set by a motorcyclist who reached 154 mph in 2000.

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Doing the Olympics too early, aren't we?
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Couple from Hell wins Halloween lottery

HELL, Mich. (AP) - Life in Hell just got a little easier for John and Sue Wilson. The couple, who live in the unincorporated town 45 miles west of Detroit, were blessed with a $115,001 windfall from the Michigan Lottery.

They won the big prize in the Fantasy 5 drawing held Wednesday — that is, Halloween.

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They're having a Hellish Good time.

Staying in the Lottery department...
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Court considers "Lotto rapist" damages case

LONDON (Reuters) - The Law Lords are due to decide next week whether an elderly victim can sue a rapist who went on to win millions of pounds on the lottery.

The woman, known as Mrs A, has taken her case to the highest court in the country after she was told that too much time had lapsed for her to bring an action.

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Don't wanna pay, don't do the rape. Until then, PAY UP, PREMIUM BOY!!!

Wait...last minute Olympics story...
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Nearly 3,500 Chinese named 'Olympics'

BEIJING (AP) - The upcoming Beijing Olympics is more than just a point of pride for China — it's such an important part of the national consciousness that nearly 3,500 children have been named for the event, a newspaper reported Sunday.

Most of the 3,491 people with the name "Aoyun," meaning Olympics, were born around the year 2000, as Beijing was bidding to host the 2008 Summer Games, the Beijing Daily reported, citing information from China's national identity card database.

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Just be glad they're not naming it a username, such as "4real".

[TexasStooge]

Man gets life for lottery ticket scam

BEIJING (Reuters) - A Chinese lottery ticket seller has been jailed for life for fraud for taking advantage of a system flaw to cash 28 million yuan ($3.76 million) in tickets illegally, state media said Tuesday.

Zhao Liqun discovered the flaw in the Welfare Lottery "3D" system in 2005 that let a person buy tickets with the right numbers within five minutes of their being announced, sources at the Intermediate People's Court in Anshan, northeastern Heilongjiang province, said.

Zhao, 36, who ran three lottery stalls in Anshan, "bought" the announced numbers many times over.

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Can't seem to get away from those Lottery Oddities.
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Man nearly tosses 4.38-carat diamond

MURFREESBORO, Ark. (AP) - Chad Johnson has found about 80 diamonds at Crater of Diamonds State Park, but on Monday he nearly threw away his largest find yet. A cube-shaped rock plucked out of his sifters turned out to be a 4.38-carat, tea-colored diamond.

Johnson, 36, made the dig Saturday at the park and left his equipment in a locker. When he came back Monday morning, he made the discovery.

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Whew! Close call!
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"Cremated son" turns up alive

LONDON (Reuters) - A mother cremated a body she thought was that of her dead son, only for him to turn up alive later, police said on Friday.

Gina Partington's 37-year-old son Thomas Dennison was reported missing last month and a body was found in Rusholme, Manchester, three days later.

The 58-year-old mother, from Urmston, Greater Manchester, formally identified the body as that of her son and, following an inquest, the body was cremated on October 30.

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That could be his twin brother.
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Texan sets record with 87 snakes in tub

DUBLIN, Texas (AP) - Another day, another bizarre world record for Jackie Bibby, the "Texas Snake Man." Bibby spent about 45 minutes in a see-through bathtub with 87 rattlesnakes Monday, fully clothed, shattering his own record by 12 snakes just in time for Guinness World Records Day, which is Thursday. A Guinness official certified the record.

The snakes crawled under his arms, between his legs and anywhere else they could slither, Bibby said. None bit him.

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Coming to theaters, "Snakes On A (Fill in the Blank)"

[TexasStooge]

"Best mom" chosen as face of currency

SEOUL (Reuters) - South Korea's central bank on Monday chose the face of Korean motherhood as the first woman to be featured on its banknotes, but women's rights groups say the selection only reinforces sexist stereotypes.

Shin Saimdang, known for raising a famed Confucian scholar and having a deft hand in painting, will grace the new 50,000 won ($55) note when it debuts in early 2009, the Bank of Korea said.

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HMMMM....................
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Maine mayor re-elected as a write-in

AUBURN, Maine (AP) - Auburn Mayor John Jenkins is getting another term in office even though he wasn't on the ballot.

Jenkins made history Tuesday by becoming the first person in Auburn to win a citywide election as a write-in candidate.

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As a "write-in" or a "write-off"?
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What says Christmas like a serial killer?

BERLIN (Reuters) - A German advent calendar for children has become a hot seller since word got out it has a picture of a notorious serial killer on it.

The cartoon calendar shows Fritz Haarmann, who murdered 24 young men and boys in the 1920s, lurking under a tree with a hatchet next to the door for December 1. Below him, Santa Claus hands out presents to children in a festive-looking Hanover.

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"'Twas a Nightmare Before Christmas..." Well, it is!
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Man with knife holds off aggressive deer

TRUMANN, Ark. (AP) - Greg Vincent thought he was kidding when he told his 13-year-old son and a nephew that he could use his hunting knife to handle a snorting buck that was about to charge them.

In the woods in Fulton County for last weekend's youth hunt, the group was tracking a different deer that Vincent's son Kyle had shot when a six-point buck appeared in their path.

"I told everyone to just be still and see what he was going to do," Vincent said.

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Wow! He certainly shown that deer.
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Boys to swap homes 4 years after mix-up

RIYADH (Reuters) - Two boys, one Saudi and one Turkish, will swap homes four years after a hospital gave them to the wrong parents, a Saudi newspaper said Wednesday.

"Mistakes are always possible, but we will try to find who was responsible and hold them to account so it doesn't happen again," Prince Mishaal bin Saud, governor of Najran in the far south of the kingdom, said in comments in al-Watan newspaper.

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Welcome to a town of Malpractice.
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Cow plunges off cliff onto moving minivan

SPOKANE, Washington (Reuters) - A cow plunged from a 200-foot (61-metre) cliff onto the hood of a minivan on a highway in central Washington state, according to police.

The car's occupants, Charles and Linda Everson, were not hurt in Sunday's accident, but the cow was euthanized at the scene.

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Maybe he's copying off the "Chic-Fil-A" ad.

[TexasStooge]

The look of love is all in the eyes

By Jennifer Hill

LONDON (Reuters) - Burt Bacharach penned the music four decades ago and Dusty Springfield sang about it in the James Bond film "Casino Royale."

Now, researchers have concluded that "The Look of Love" is, indeed, all in the eyes: looking directly at someone makes you more attractive to them.

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So that's what they mean by "Love AT First Sight".
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NYC eatery offers $25,000 dessert

NEW YORK (AP) - This is one rich cup of haute chocolate: A New York eatery is offering a $25,000 dessert bulging with top-grade cocoa, edible gold and shavings of a luxury truffle.

The Frrrozen Haute Chocolate was declared the most expensive dessert in the world on Wednesday by Guinness World Records.

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And speaking of world records...
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Tallest US man is 7-foot-8 Va. deputy

By SONJA BARISIC, Associated Press Writer

NORFOLK, Va. - To all those people who blurt out "Wow, you're tall!" as they stare up at George Bell: He knows. And now, the world will know, too. The lanky, 7-foot-8 Norfolk sheriff's deputy is being recognized Thursday by Guinness World Records as the Tallest Man in the United States.

That makes him 2 inches taller than the NBA's current tallest player, Yao Ming, but too short to be the world's tallest living man. He stands below, according to Guinness, Ukraine's 8-foot-5.5 Leonid Stadnyk and China's Bao Xi Shun, who is 7 feet 8.95 inches.

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Maybe they'll think twice before shooting the sherriff.
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Shop owner finds urn in back of Buick

CHARLESTON, S.C. (AP) - The back seat of a Buick wasn't intended to be Izetta Dickerson's final resting place, but that's where an urn containing her cremated remains was found.

"The owner said he doesn't know how it got there," said Demond McElveen, whose car repair shop bought the car after it was towed there. "She's in there, it's got the number on the bag."

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HMMM....................

[TexasStooge]

It's official: you don't have to live in France

LONDON (Reuters) - Ask most Britons if they would rather live in France and they'd probably answer "oui." But British judges have ruled that two English boys who hate living there don't have to.

The boys, 11 and 16, who have a French mother and a British father, were taken to live in France after the parents' marriage broke down. But during a visit to England they asserted their "Britishness" and refused to return to live with their mother.

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I hate it when marriages fall apart.
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Ky. Capitol history display flub fixed

FRANKFORT, Ky. (AP) - A goof on a historical display at the Kentucky Capitol has been fixed.

Officials on Thursday deleted a reference to "The Star Spangled Banner" being used as a rallying cry during the American Revolution, decades before Francis Scott Key wrote the poem in 1814.

"That was a typographical error and we have corrected it," said the Rev. Herschel Walker, pastor of Hopewell Baptist Church in Corbin, who donated the exhibit.

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Oh, I thought someone typed in "Star Banner Rocket Red Blare".
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The poop on where to hide your old pills

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Got some leftover drugs -- the kind that someone else might want to use, such as painkillers or stimulants? Wrap them up in used kitty litter or other pet droppings, the U.S. government advises.

A pilot program at the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration is looking at ways people can safely dispose of unused prescription drugs that are liable to be abused.

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That's one way to prevent substance abuse. Then eat a pack of Hamwinkies.
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Church finds 67 bullet holes in steeple

MCMINNVILLE, Tenn. (AP) - The renovation of an old church in this central Tennessee city has revealed damage expected more in a war zone. The landmark steeple of First Presbyterian Church is pocked with 67 bullet holes.

"After we found the first couple, I thought it was funny, but then we saw so many I started counting," contractor Dennis Dockum said. "We caulked up 67 holes."

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I wonder if this was one of the settings of "The Godfather".

[TexasStooge]

Man forgets car at gas station

BERLIN (Reuters) - A German man forgot his car after filling it up at a petrol station, police said Friday.

"He just forgot about it and walked off home," said a spokesman for police in the western city of Wuppertal.

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I just spent a bunch of money of gas by walking away!
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Woman wins Sears Tower race for 6th time

CHICAGO (AP) - Cindy Harris won the women's division of a race to the top of the nation's tallest building for the sixth straight year Sunday.

The 38-year-old has won the race every year it has been in existence. She was among 2,000 people who ran up the downtown building's 103 flights of stairs in the annual Go Vertical Chicago.

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I can take on her...or can I?
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Bank manager gives woman loans for sex

BERLIN (Reuters) - A German bank manager gave loans to a woman for sex and then embezzled thousands of euros to buy the silence of her relatives, authorities said on Thursday.

When the man realized he could not offer the jobless woman a loan because of her poor credit history, he offered to lend her the money personally in return for sexual favors, said a spokesman for a court in the southern town of Tuebingen.

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What the heck ever happened to customer service?

[TexasStooge]

Which politician do voters want to see nude?

MELBOURNE (Reuters) - More Australian voters would like to see Labor Opposition leader Kevin Rudd naked than their current prime minister, John Howard, a poll showed on Sunday just two weeks out from a hard-fought general election.

The question was posed in a Galaxy poll of 1,200 voters and published in Zoo magazine, the Australian Associated Press reported.

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Which politician does everyone wanna see nude? NOBODY!!!
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Man in India marries dog as atonement

NEW DELHI (AP) - A man in southern India married a female dog in a traditional Hindu ceremony as an attempt to atone for stoning two other dogs to death — an act he believes cursed him — a newspaper reported Tuesday.

P. Selvakumar married the sari-draped former stray named Selvi, chosen by family members and then bathed and clothed for the ceremony Sunday at a Hindu temple in the southern state of Tamil Nadu, the Hindustan Times newspaper said.

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I can understand if he's trying to kiss up to a dog, but marrying it?
(As Weird Al Yankovic) "You're Pitiful..."
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Smooth Federer yearns for lengthy career

By Alastair Himmer

SHANGHAI (Reuters) - World number one Roger Federer won a four-way shave-off in Shanghai on Friday in an unusual warm-up for the Tennis Masters Cup.

Appearing at a publicity event for a vibrating razor, Federer demonstrated his skills with a blade to 1,000 youths at a Chinese coming of age ceremony.

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Didn't know he's got da skills to shave his face!
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Wis. officer accidentally Tasers himself

MADISON, Wis. (AP) - A police officer has been reprimanded for accidentally discharging a Taser, causing an injury — to the police officer.

Madison police released a report Monday on the July 31 incident, without revealing the officer's name or gender. The department said the Taser accidentally discharged during a standard checkout procedure.

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Here we go again with the abuse of tasers.

[TexasStooge]

Even erotic food has to follow the rules

OSLO (Reuters) - Norway's largest erotic chain store was forced to change the labeling on products such as penis pasta, candy cuffs and chocolate body painting, to comply with Norwegian food regulations.

The Norwegian food safety authority, whose goal it is to make sure consumers have healthy and safe food, conducted a surprise inspection at one of the chain's stores and found that several products violated food labeling regulations, top-selling tabloid VG reported on Tuesday.

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Otherwise, they're just making food tasteless for us.
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Teacher dispatches raccoon with nail gun

HUNTSVILLE, Ark. (AP) - A high school teacher killed a raccoon with a nail gun after discovering the planned subject of a skinning demonstration was alive.

Superintendent Alvin Lievsay said a student's parent promised to bring in a raccoon for the exercise, but surprised teacher Jerick Hutchinson by bringing the animal in a live trap. Lievsay said Hutchinson, "who used to work in a slaughter house," took the animal outside to the back of his truck Friday and shot it with the nail gun. Lievsay said no students witnessed the raccoon's death.

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Now this here is a dead snake that I'm just showing y'all and...
(Snake bites)
OW! You SON OF A.... (stomps on snake)
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One dead, one injured in pet rescue

CANBERRA (Reuters) - One man was killed and another was then seriously injured when they tried to climb a tree at night to recapture a pet cockatoo in Australia.

The bird's 72-year-old owner fell as he tried to recover the pet in the country town of Bendigo in southern Victoria state. He was taken to hospital for treatment, police said.

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That's not how a rescue should go...
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Woman being 'silly' hit by freight train

MARYSVILLE, Calif. (AP) - A 54-year-old woman was recovering in the hospital after being hit by a Union Pacific freight train south of Marysville.

Deborah Thompson told authorities afterward that she drank a bottle of whiskey before she wandered to the railroad tracks and tried to wave the train to a stop. When asked why, she told Yuba County sheriff's deputies she was just being silly.

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Look who's silly now.

[TexasStooge]

Swiss tell German guy to learn German

ZURICH (Reuters) - A 70-year old German seeking Swiss citizenship was told to go back to school to learn his own native tongue despite being proficient in German, a Swiss newspaper said.

The Swiss town of Dielsdorf ordered Ulrich Kring -- who lived in Switzerland his entire life but is only now applying for citizenship -- to take a German language course to the tune of 250 Swiss francs ($222.6), the Tages-Anzeiger newspaper said.

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That's like putting swim fins on a cat.
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Pot-bellied pigs run wild on Iowa street

DAVENPORT, Iowa (AP) - Who wants a pig in a blanket?

Two stray pot-bellied pigs stirred up a commotion Wednesday morning while on the run from two animal control officers, two police officers and even a couple of utility company workers who joined the 35-minute chase.

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I wonder if it's the same pigs runing away from their babysitter that fed them too much.
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Censors sued for cut steamy sex scenes

BEIJING (Reuters) - A Chinese moviegoer is suing China's film watchdog in frustration with the censored version of Ang Lee's steamy World War Two drama "Lust, Caution," Beijing media reported Wednesday.

The Golden Lion award-winning film opened in China last month minus much of the on-screen sex and other scenes that Taiwan-born director Lee cut himself at the behest of local censors.

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Did it open in theaters or was it shown on TV?
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Warden wants satellite TV for 'MNF'

ATLANTA (AP) - The warden of the Clayton County Correctional Institution wants permission to spend money for a "management tool," satellite TV to keep his 226 inmates occupied watching football.

Warden Frank Taylor is asking the Clayton County Commission to let him sign up for direct-broadcast satellite service for less than $100 a month. It would be funded with money collected at the prison's commissary and pay phones, which last year amounted to $41,000.

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Even some inmates gotta be ready for some football.

[TexasStooge]

Pedophile allowed to work in kindergarten

BERLIN (Reuters) - A convicted pedophile sentenced to do community service in a German kindergarten will return to court next week to face charges of abusing two children there, a regional prosecutor's office said Thursday.

The man was allowed to work as a janitor at the Evangelical Kindergarten St Petri in Melle, near the northern city of Osnabrueck, because a court worker missed three prior pedophilia convictions on his record, said Alexander Retemeyer, spokesman for the Osnabrueck prosecutor's office.

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Sure, he can do community service, but NOT THAT KIND!!!
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Hairy day at salon after car crash

SOLDOTNA, Alaska (AP) - A woman on her way to hair appointment crashed her car through the hair salon.

Della Miller, 73, crashed into the Tina's Hair Pros's windows Wednesday, knocking one customer six feet across the room, Soldotna police officer Marvin Towle said. The parking area in front of the salon was snow-covered.

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I love a nice Hair-raising tale.
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Sect holes up in cave to await end of world

By Tatyana Ustinova

MOSCOW (Reuters) - At least 30 members of a Russian doomsday cult have barricaded themselves in a remote cave to await the end of the world and are threatening to commit suicide if police intervene, officials and media said Thursday.

"They have covered the entrance and refuse to come out and are threatening to blow themselves up," an official in the local prosecutor's office told Reuters by telephone. "They threaten to detonate a gas tank and blow themselves up."

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Oh, c'mon!! That's hundreds of years from now...isn't it?

[TexasStooge]

Firemen told to abstain from sexual bribes

BEIJING (Reuters) - China has banned fire department officials from receiving sexual favors as bribes from companies seeking their business, local media reported on Friday.

Fire department officials were also banned from letting their spouses and children run fire-fighting companies and market fire-fighting products, part of an anti-corruption drive outlined in a notice posted on the Public Security ministry Web site.

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So what do you do if a seductive lady says "Hello, 911...I'm on fire", what do you do? You use a fire hose on her. No, not yours, dirty minds.
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'Spiderman' scales part of China mountain

BEIJING (AP) - A daredevil French climber nicknamed "Spiderman" scaled part of a mountain in southern China using only his bare hands, months after he was banned from the country for clambering up Shanghai's tallest building without permission.

Alain Robert, known for scaling the world's tallest buildings, climbed 200 meters (656 feet) near the top of Hunan province's Tianmen Mountain without equipment Sunday, the official Xinhua news agency said.

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They don't Superman no mo', they just Spiderman dat (OOOOHHH!!)
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Mice, roaches close home of $25,000 dessert

NEW YORK (Reuters) - A Manhattan restaurant that unveiled a record-breaking $25,000 dessert last week has been forced to shut its doors temporarily due to an infestation of mice and cockroaches.

Serendipity 3 on the Upper East Side failed its second consecutive health inspection in a month on Wednesday night after health officials found a live mouse, mouse droppings in multiple places, flies and dozens of live cockroaches, the Heath Department said.

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I see a "Ratatouille" sequal.
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Vegas tour vans get greasy and green

LAS VEGAS (AP) - A Las Vegas tour company is using leftover oil from restaurants to fuel a fleet of vans, showing that recycling can work even in a city known for excess.

Escape Adventures is an 18-year-old company that offers bicycle trips into Red Rock Canyon outside Las Vegas and the North Rim of the Grand Canyon.

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Guess we know Slick Rick is in one of those vans. Get it? "Slick"!

[TexasStooge]

Charity Christmas card Scrooges revealed

By Jennifer Hill

LONDON (Reuters) - Well-meaning well-wishers could be donating far less to good causes than they think this Christmas, a survey by consumer group Which? shows.

Some 84 percent of 1,060 people it surveyed think that more than 40 percent of the price of charity Christmas cards should be donated to good causes.

But, in reality, this can be as low as just 4 percent, according to the Charities Advisory Trust.

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Now I se how those card companies really are!!
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Squirrels briefly kill power in 2 cities

ASHLAND, Wis. (AP) - It was an unlucky day for two squirrels and hundreds of Midwestern power customers.

Brian Elwood, a spokesman for Xcel Energy, said a squirrel came in contact with an overhead transformer and knocked out service to 177 customers Monday. Power was fully restored in just under an hour, and repair crews found the remains of the "unfortunate squirrel," he said.

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What an "unfortunate night".
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Poster heats up "paper" tiger debate

BEIJING (Reuters) - Chinese Internet users have pointed to a Chinese New Year poster as proof that a controversial photograph of a tiger purportedly snapped in the wild is fake, local media reported Monday.

Last month, Zhou Zhenglong, a farmer from mountainous Zhenping county in northern China's Shaanxi province, produced photographs of a tiger he said were taken in the forest near his village.

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Speaking of animals...
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Dog back home after adventure, neutering

DIAMOND, Mo. (AP) - The Bowman family has its pooch back. Their dog Happy is back after seven months of adventure, an operation, two intermediate homes and a new name.

Happy, also known as Radar, is the same dog who ran away from a different Joplin household last week to live at veterinarian Steve Walstad's Joplin office, where he was neutered last month.

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Talk about a wayward dog.

[TexasStooge]

Stowaway piglet survives toilet roll ordeal

LONDON (Reuters) - A piglet nicknamed Andrex is recovering after being found in the back of a truck full of toilet paper at a supermarket.

The animal, thought to be two or three weeks old, was discovered in a delivery at a Tesco store in Ilkeston, Derbyshire.

Staff wrapped the piglet in a duvet and called the RSPCA, a Tesco spokesman said Tuesday.

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Scientists find fossil of enormous bug

By THOMAS WAGNER, Associated Press Writer

LONDON - This was a bug you couldn't swat and definitely couldn't step on. British scientists have stumbled across a fossilized claw, part of an ancient sea scorpion, that is of such large proportion it would make the entire creature the biggest bug ever.

How big? Bigger than you, and at 8 feet long as big as some Smart cars.

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I wouldn't even squish it if I could. It looks like that gigantic roach from "Men In Black".
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Dog owners go barking mad for fancy dress

By Paul Majendie

LONDON (Reuters) - Darth Labrador. Dogzilla. Elvis the hound dog. No outfit is too outrageous for man's best friend.

The British do love a party animal -- they have gone crazy dressing up their dogs for costume parties.

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Wait a minute, isn't it a month too late for Halloween?
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Yanks' bug spray among MLB auction items

By MIKE FITZPATRICK, AP Baseball Writer

NEW YORK - Start the bidding on Yankees bug spray. Who could forget New York rookie Joba Chamberlain getting doused with pest repellant during the American League playoffs last month? Well, here's your chance to own an authentic bottle.

A can of bug spray used in the Yankees' dugout when those tiny midges swarmed Cleveland's Jacobs Field will be among the items up for bid in a Major League Baseball auction of memorabilia from the 2007 postseason.

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Wasn't that the bug spray used on that gigantic bug in the 2nd story?

[TexasStooge]

Well, after a long Thanksgiving break, tons of odd stories came flooding in....well not exactly "flooding" in, but you know what I'm talkin' about.
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Patriotism law seeks to halt cars for anthem

BANGKOK (Reuters) - A proposed new law to boost patriotism in Thailand would be "chaotic" because it would require motorists to stop when the national anthem is played twice a day, lawmakers said Friday.

A vote on the Flag Bill proposed by a group of retired and active duty generals in the army-appointed parliament was deferred Thursday to allow a committee to study it.

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They're thinking about usiong one of the "Chinese Idol" audition tapes that had people singing their anthem, but that would mean motorists have to sit through off-key singers.
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Giant Israeli flag breaks world record

By REGAN E. DOHERTY, Associated Press Writer

MASADA, Israel - The record for the world's largest flag now belongs to an Israeli banner produced by a Filipino evangelical Christian.

The huge blue and white flag, measuring 2,165 feet long and 330 feet wide and weighing 5.7 tons, breaks the record for the world's largest, according to the Israeli Ministry of Tourism.

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That's great! Now send it through Wonkavision! Put in a gigantic Hamwinkie too!!
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"Porno-prof" teacher suspended

ROME (Reuters) - An Italian teacher has been suspended from school because of her extra-curricular activities as a stuff star, local authorities announced Thursday.

The out-of-hours behavior of Anna Ciriani, who calls herself "Madameweb" in hard-core videos on the Internet and at erotic shows, was "not compatible with educational activity," the head of the Friuli-Venezia Giulia education authority said.

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What was she suppsed to teach? Sex Ed?
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For sale: Defunct Wisconsin bridge, $1

SOLDIERS GROVE, Wis. (AP) - The Kickapoo River bridge is a big structure with a small price tag: one buck.

Village officials fear the nearly century-old bridge, which hasn't hosted traffic in 31 years, will collapse into the river and want to get rid of it quickly. Village board member Vicki Campbell said they hope high scrap prices help attract a buyer who may want to sell the bridge's steel parts.

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Don't believe the source? They got a bridge to sell you. REALLY!!!

[TexasStooge]

Announcer sacked over spoof messages

LONDON (Reuters) - An official announcer for London's Tube system has been sacked after making spoof messages mocking American tourists, peeping Toms and sweaty commuters.

Voiceover artist Emma Clarke, 36, recorded the announcements in the same smooth tones that have warned millions of passengers to "Mind The Gap" and posted them on her Web site.

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Well, we don't want her to work for any of the other US public transportation companies.
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Pair learn finders not always keepers

SALEM, Ore. (AP) - A pair of Salem residents learned the hard way that finders are not always keepers. Lonnie Anderson, 47, and Jacqueline Shimmin, 37, were arrested last week failing to return a lost ring. Each faces a charge of first-degree aggravated theft of lost or mislaid property, said Sgt. Albert Gordon of the Salem Police Department.

Oregon law states someone must make a reasonable attempt to return lost property to its rightful owner. The property may be kept if no one comes forward in 30 days.

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That's what I've been trying to tell David (a kid I'm babysitting).
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Older white women join Kenya's sex tourists

By Jeremy Clarke

MOMBASA, Kenya (Reuters) - Bethan, 56, lives in southern England on the same street as best friend Allie, 64.

They are on their first holiday to Kenya, a country they say is "just full of big young boys who like us older girls."

Hard figures are difficult to come by, but local people on the coast estimate that as many as one in five single women visiting from rich countries are in search of sex.

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If I was to go on vacation with family and friends, I would go just to enjoy myself. Not for sex.
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Honest man returns mistaken $2M check

SALT LAKE CITY (AP) - There are probably a million ways Jerry Mika could spend $2 million dollars. Trouble is, he couldn't cash the check. Expecting a $15 refund from the Utah Department of Commerce, the Draper man opened his mail recently to find a $2,245,342 check.

"I kept trying to find a way to make it legitimate so I could cash it," he said. "I did think about all the things I could do with the money ... who wouldn't?"

Mika returned the check — a mistake that occurred when an employee entered a serial number, not an amount — to state finance offices Wednesday.

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What would you do with over $2 Million?

[TexasStooge]

Man explodes grenade after ticket request

YEKATERINBURG, Russia (Reuters) - A Russian man blew himself up with a hand grenade Tuesday shortly after train inspectors asked to see his ticket.

The inspectors thought they saw a hand grenade in the man's pocket and asked him to get off the commuter train at Asha station, in Chelyabinsk in the South Urals region.

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- "Let me see your ticket."
- "Oh, you mean this?" (Pulls out grenade)
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Police: Woman put mom's body in bags

OCALA, Fla. (AP) - A woman was arrested Tuesday after she told police she dumped the body of her 83-year-old mother into two garbage bags and left them beside the road, Marion County authorities said.

Debra Loreth, 53, of Belleview, told deputies she didn't report the death of her mother, Jeanne Vasa, because she wanted to cash the woman's retirement checks, according to the sheriff's office.

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Landlord arrested for spying on tenants

BERLIN (Reuters) - German police have arrested a 60-year-old landlord after discovering he used cameras and microphones to spy on his tenants for a decade while they bathed and slept.

The man had installed surveillance in the bedrooms, bathrooms and living areas of two flats 10 years ago in the southern city of Ingolstadt, Bavarian police said Tuesday.

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That's one apartment complex I'm not recommending.
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Feather shortage leaves pillow makers flat

By Andras Gergely

BUDAPEST (Reuters) - A good night's sleep on luxury Hungarian down pillows is likely to become a rarer experience as Hungary's poultry sector declines in the face of mounting problems.

According to British retailers, pillows and duvets made from Hungarian goose feathers are "soft," "luxurious" and have an "unparalleled ability to spring back to shape."

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There's gonna be some oncomfortable sleepers.

"What hapened to the pillow fights?"

[TexasStooge]

Prostitute auctions sex for charity

SANTIAGO (Reuters) - A Chilean prostitute has auctioned 27 hours of sex to raise money for the country's largest charity during an annual fund-raising campaign.

Maria Carolina became an overnight celebrity in the conservative Roman Catholic country, making news headlines and appearing on talk shows since she made her unusual donation to the televised charity event, which runs for 27 hours starting on Friday evening.

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Feels so good to be bad, huh?
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You won't believe what befell this lady

MONTAGUE, Mass. (AP) - Cash fluttering in the breeze might have seemed like a gift from heaven, but anyone in this western Massachusetts town who grabbed some of it is being asked to please give it back.

The money — a total of $1,100 — belonged to 83-year-old Mary Olive Corbiere, who was banking on it to buy Christmas presents and lost it after a freak accident.

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Seems like an homest thing to do.
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Judge is sacked for jailing 46 over mobile phone ring

WASHINGTON (AFP) - A judge in New York state lost his job after taking 46 people into custody after they all refused to admit whose mobile phone rang while court was in session, court sources said Wednesday.

Judge Robert Restaino was presiding over family court in Niagara Falls, New York on March 11, 2005 when a portable phone rang in the public seating area.

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It's amazing. Judges like those give a slap on the wrist to bank robbers and murderers, yet sentences 46 people to jail over a ringtone.
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Cuddly croc forces passenger off flight

ROME (Reuters) - A passenger was forced off a Ryanair flight from Rome to Milan because she refused to move her metre-long plush crocodile which was blocking an emergency exit, airport sources said Wednesday.

The flight, delayed by the squabble between the airline flight attendant and the passenger, finally took off after she got off the plane, along with her inanimate crocodile.

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She should've just removed the stupid plush croc.

[TexasStooge]

Is that worth 50 cents? I guess so...

LONDON (Reuters) - First came SatNav for lost drivers. Now there's "SatLav," a toilet-finding service to help people caught short in central London.

Thursday, Westminster City Council launched a new mobile phone text message service that will guide Londoners and tourists to their nearest public lavatory.

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I've sen it all now.
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Bracelet found in chicken after 25 years

FAIRMONT, Minn. - More than two decades after Aaron Giles lost his identity bracelet, he's finding how it was discovered tough to swallow. A meat cutter at Olson Locker in Fairmont came across the shiny object in a chicken gizzard and saw a name, address and phone number engraved on it.

"I've heard of livestock swallowing unusual objects, but this situation stands out," Mark Olson, who owns the meat locker, told the Sentinel of Fairmont.

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Yeah, more like "Robot Chicken".
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Cannon explodes during salute, killing two

NEW DELHI (Reuters) - A 200-year-old cannon wheeled out by Indian villagers to greet a visiting minister exploded after being overstuffed with gunpowder, killing two men, a newspaper reported Thursday.

Residents of Badoli village in western India's Rajasthan state had planned the gun salute Tuesday evening to welcome Kirodi Lal Meena, a state minister, the Times of India reported.

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This sounds more like a funeral than a greeting.
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Woman to decorate stump after tree axed

CORVALLIS, Ore. (AP) - Mary Moran figures she'll turn that 3-foot stump in her front yard into a Christmas statement of sorts. Moran awoke Wednesday to find that a long-needled pine the family had decorated for years was cut down and stolen during the night.

The family planted the pine 10 years ago, and it had grown to 15 to 20 feet high.

"The neighbors and grandkids really looked forward to the tree being lit up," Moran said.

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That was downright mean of the tree axers.

[TexasStooge]

Officials in tears over comatose croc

DONETSK, Ukraine (Reuters) - Ukrainian officials summoned a vet Friday to determine whether a crocodile, captured after six months on the run, was comatose or dead.

"The crocodile is showing no signs of life. We are not specialists and, to be honest, we don't know whether it's dead or alive," Nikolai Ranga of Ukraine's Emergencies Ministry said in the eastern Ukrainian city of Donetsk.

"The vet is coming to see the crocodile tomorrow."

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Nature has gone even crazier...after Steve Irwin passed.
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Mich. councilman pushes chicken law

ANN ARBOR, Mich. (AP) - People who want fresh eggs should be able to keep their own hens around the house or yard, even in this college town, a city councilman said.

Stephen Kunselman said a number of business people and residents support the idea and said he plans to bring a resolution before the council.

Many communities allow chickens but not roosters, which can make a lot of noise at dawn, Kunselman said. He said regulations typically require a 25-foot setback from other homes to avoid disturbing neighbors.

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I don't just want eggs...I want.......CHICKEN!!!
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Court rules employee worked to death

TOKYO (Reuters) - A Toyota Motor Corp employee died of overwork after logging more than 106 hours of overtime in a month, a judge ruled Friday, reversing a ministry's earlier decision not to pay compensation to his widow.

The Toyota Labor Standards Inspection office, a local branch of Japan's labor ministry, refused to pay the widow the usual compensation for a spouse's work-related death, saying the man had only logged 45 hours of overtime in the month before he died, Japanese media reported.

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Hech, you never gave him any breaks!
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Girl Scout receives award, 69 years late

GRAND CHUTE, Wis. (AP) - A Girl Scout who failed to receive a Golden Eaglet Award because she woke up with the mumps finally got the accolade — 69 years later.

Faith Iames Schremp, 86, joined Girl Scouts in 1938 and earned all the proficiency badges needed to win the award.

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(as Harry Potter) "Caught on, have you? Took you long enough."

[TexasStooge]

Air force left red-faced by botched test

SINGAPORE (Reuters) - A test by Singapore air force of a red plume of smoke for an acrobatic display has backfired after a cloud of the dye polluted nearby farms' vegetable plots.

The air force was testing the dye on the ground, but strong winds carried the smoke away from the base, the ministry of defense said in a statement Saturday.

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Get it? RED FACED!!!
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Police Chase Runaway Kangaroo In N. Texas Neighborhood

Kangaroo Escapes From Veterinarian's Home

LEWISVILLE, Texas (KXAS NBC 5) -- Lewisville police were called to help capture a kangaroo that escaped from a veterinarian's home and hopped loose in a heavily populated neighborhood on Sunday.

Dash cam video from a police squad car showed officers hot on the trail of 18-month-old Maynard as he maneuvered through many streets and yards at about 4:15 p.m., outrunning police officers and children.

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Kinda reminds me of that Kangaroo on those Warner Bros. cartoons
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Moving to beat lottery cheats

BEIJING (Reuters) - China plans to issue its first comprehensive rules for the lottery industry next year, aiming to stamp out a growing tide of fraud, the official Xinhua news agency said Sunday.

Lotteries have become hugely popular in China, where many forms of gambling are banned, helping to raise billions of dollars for public welfare and education projects.

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Well, it's about freakin' time.