Depression: what it is..

[petal*pusher]

I told you this once before Streetsoldier...........

You are a very strong man.........you don't see it.....but WE do!

Sending positive vibes your way.......p

[streetsoldier]

What bothers me most, "petal*pusher" et al, is that just a few years ago I was active, teaching and moving about at will; within the last 3 1/2 years, I have witnessed a much more rapid decline in my health (down to a radius of walking one block out, one back max) more pain and new 'things going wrong" by the week, enforced isolation (THIS is the only social avenue I have left), increasing hostilities in the house (mostly verbal sniping, but could mushroom easily into somewhere I don't want to see)...lost my counselor, no support from that arena; getting a new and unfamiliar Dr....it adds up to more uncertainty as day follows into day.

My mind is still facile, and if I CAN help, advise, assist in some modicum of "enlightenment" on subjects here, I do so willingly. I have no immediate friends (other than some of those here), extended family is 1,000 miles or more away, and the situational feelings of anger intermixed with a fading hope of "better times"...?

[Stephanie]

The sudden decline in your health and all of the other uncertainties will definately contribute to the frustration you are feeling and perhaps some of what is going on at home. It's a vicious cycle that you're going through. I hope your new doctor works out for you and the change is a symbol of other positive changes to come your way!

[streetsoldier]

Strangely, Steph, I am cast in the role of "peacekeeper", although on the surface I'm the least likely candidate...trying to keep 3 people, each with their own opposing agendae, from open conflict. And I look rotten in a baby-blue beret...LOL

[Stephanie]

I think I can see why you're cast as "peacekeeper" - it's because you're respected! You do it out of love as well - just remember to love and take care of yourself too!

[JetMaxx]

Strangely, Steph, I am cast in the role of "peacekeeper", although on the surface I'm the least likely candidate...trying to keep 3 people, each with their own opposing agendae, from open conflict. And I look rotten in a baby-blue beret...LOL

streetsoldier, I understand perfectly...

I'm providing the primary care for both my grandmother and her younger sister, both in their late 80's. I feel I owe it to to care for them as long as possible; especially my grandmother who was always there for my sister and me, even before mom passed away. I consider her mom. My great aunt has no one else...widowed with no children; besides, she is more like a grandmother than an aunt to me...a very kind, loving lady.

Fortunately, both are in amazingly good health for their advanced age; although both suffer from diabetes, and have lost the sight in one eye, one from a cactaract, the other from glaucoma. They are both able to walk without assistance (grandma used a walker during her recent bout with pneumonia). I've dedicated myself to care for them until they pass away; or at least as long as I can.

I'm on my own....dad does little or nothing to assist me; even though it's his own mother --because she tried to protect my sis and me during his abusive outbursts (he once cracked two of her ribs--she was 65 years old My 18 year old little sis gives me some assistance, when I'm at work, or need a day to destress. My sis in Oregon does everything she can from that distance. She wishes we were in Oregon near her so she could do more...but neither grandma or my great aunt want to relocate from Georgia; I'd move there in a second--her husband's uncle AND brother are both doctors...plus Becky could help me get them into a nice assisted living community..which would allow me to work fulltime while we both shared their care.

Since they both refuse to leave Georgia ("I'm going to die where I was born"!), that's not an option (my sis and I pleaded with them for 3+ years to relocate...it's not going to happen).

Here's the big dilemma: I love both of them dearly--but they CANNOT stand each other
There are a lot of reasons...dysfunctional family background (alcoholic dad, abusive older half brother), sibling rivalry growing up (both claim they were the "prettiest" girl at their church as teenagers , my granny never liked her little sister's husband, old anger over their parents deaths in the 1950's....both claim they did more to provide care (there were no nursing facilities at that time).
Dad said they both gave their parents 100% effort when it came to care and love...not surprising in 1950's-era Georgia.

It's two sweetheart elderly women with ill feelings and unresolved hurt/anger from decades ago....that was hidden until advanced age brought it to the surface a few years ago (if they lived 2600 miles from each other like me and Becky--only saw each other once every year or two, they'd love each other--I miss little sis so badly it hurts

By themself, it's two sweet angels....put them together, and watch the fireworks. I'm in the middle and can't take sides; especially in light of the fact because it all happened before I was even born

Now you know why I sometimes need a break from baby sister (what I really need is a month fishing in the Keys or lying on a beach in Hawaii...LOL!

I definitely know all about the roll of peacekeeper streetsoldier. Worst of all, I don't even own a blue beret

Perry

[streetsoldier]

LOL...that baby-blue beret I mentioned is the identifying symbol of a UN "peacekeeper" (read: "target")...mine is black, called the "black sail" way back when, in an unnamed SE Asian country by a shimmering sea...

[ColdFront77]

I hope I am not barging in. I would think you appreciate some additions to the conversations.

First of all, good luck Streetsoldier and anyone else who is depressed or has been depressed recently.

I thankfully have never really been depressed, more so annoyed at times that I am not going to be a 'behind the scenes' meteorologist; not going to college to major in meteorology. I find some schoolwork too stressful and I am not one for the "college scene" if you will. It is because of my Asperger's Syndrome that I am like this, I know full well that those with the disorder, drive, work and attend a college or university; but there are obviously others that do.

I try to read every post in the threads each time I come here to Storm2k. Those I miss are usually the longer ones that don't hold my interest (no offense; I am sure that is how it is for all of us).

That's all for now, I look forward to the continued discussion.

[azskyman]

Whatever the challenge, it takes determination, courage, and a real support system to overcome it.

Coldfront, I saw in the eyes a young boy named John who I was tutoring last fall a wonderful and delightful spirit. Aspergers was not something he was afflicted with, but instead something young John and those around him simply had to understand.

I was chosen to work with him because of my "near-infinite patience." But indeed we had some great days with much accomplished and other hours full of drawings and sketchings that were an outlet for him...not the outcome of my encouragement or patient plan of the day. John and I learned both from each other and about each other, and that was good.

John was transferred from the afterschool program to a full daily home schooling schedule. I do not know how he has been doing...but I do know he had a positive impact on my life.

Sad how we learn more and more as we grow older...and often wish we had such experiences at a younger age when energy and stamina were never in question.

Such are the ways of life.