Weekend Funnies - The Best of Late Night

[TexasStooge]

"Yesterday, there was another Republican debate. This was the first one that Fred Thompson took part in. I don’t’ think Fred understands how these debates work. He went backstage and told the producers, 'I need more lines.'"

-Jay Leno



"Radar magazine is causing a big controversy because the cover of their November issue features a doctored photo of a partially dressed Rudy Giuliani and a totally nude Hillary Clinton. Radar says it’s all part of their plan to sell zero magazines."

-Conan O'Brien



"Kiefer Sutherland has pleaded no contest to his drunk driving charge and will serve 48 days in jail starting in December — 48 days. Or as Paris Hilton calls that, 15 consecutive life sentences."

-Jay Leno



"Ozzie Osbourne is auctioning off some of his personal items. For example, an antique sofa — $800. His medicine cabinet starts at half a million."

-David Letterman



"Elmo was the guest on “The View” this morning. I don’t know what he was promoting . . . the alphabet, I think. I think there’s a new letter coming out."

-Jimmy Kimmel



"Today is day four in Pamela Anderson’s marriage. Bad news for me — I had three days in the office pool."

-David Letterman



"Last night, the New York Yankees were eliminated from the playoffs by the Cleveland Indians. The Yankees are upset because the season is over, and the Indians are upset because they have to go back to Cleveland."

-Conan O'Brien



"In a recent interview, journalist Robert Novak says that in order to get rid of Sen. Larry Craig, the Republican leadership is going to have to “get him in a room, and slap him around.” When he heard this, Craig said, “Don’t say it unless you really mean it.”"

-Conan O'Brien



"Today is Columbus Day. Or, as Native Americans call it, 'Illegal Immigration Day.'"

-Jay Leno

[TexasStooge]

"This week, Vice President Dick Cheney’s wife Lynne Cheney says that Obama and Dick Cheney are related. She said they are actually eighth cousins. Lynne Cheney says that Obama-Dick Cheney connection was the result of one of Obama’s ancestors marrying one of Cheney’s ancestors in 1650. Even more interesting: Do you know who introduced them in 1650? Bob dole."

-Jay Leno



"Big day in Washington. Today President Bush had a historic meeting with the Dalai Lama. There was an awkward moment when Bush saw what the Dalai Lama was wearing and said, “Don’t tell me they lost your luggage.”"

-Conan O'Brien



"Yesterday, the Dalai Lama had a private meeting with President Bush. The last Dalai the president greeted at the White House was Parton."

-Jimmy Kimmel



"According to The Wall Street Journal, Botox hit a billion dollars in sales last year. A billion dollars! Of course, the Botox people are thrilled. You couldn’t tell by looking at their faces, but they were."

-Jay Leno



"Mayor Bloomberger is planting 1 million trees in New York City. One million trees . . . or as Donald Trump calls them — eyesores."

-David Letterman



"Forbes magazine has come out with its annual list of the 400 richest Americans. This year’s list includes Oprah Winfrey and 300 members of her studio audience."

-Conan O'Brien



"Paul McCartney is in the middle of a very ugly divorce. Does anybody ever go through a nice divorce? Does anybody ever say, “Oh I had a beautiful divorce. It was fabulous! We had a fine selection of chicken or fish.”"

-Craig Ferguson



"Earlier tonight, Idaho Sen. Larry Craig was interviewed by Matt Lauer. The interview was conducted in Sen. Craig’s home in Idaho. Beautiful home — four bedrooms, 29 bathrooms."

-Jay Leno



"Yesterday Britney Spears turned herself into police headquarters for a previous hit-and-run accident. While taking the mug shot photo, police said, “No, no Britney — we want a picture of your face.”"

-Conan O'Brien



"It’s a great day for Madonna. She’s signed a 10-year record deal. That means she’ll be making records until she’s nearly 60. Instead of singing “express yourself,” she’ll be singing “I wet myself.”"

-Craig Ferguson



"You can always tell it’s autumn in New York City, because the shadow of the guy following you is longer."

-David Letterman

[TexasStooge]

"Halloween is just around the corner. I’m all set for Halloween. I got up early this morning and tested the electric fence."

-David Letterman



"These wildfires — what a mess; 1,500 homes have been destroyed. Today, Rodney King asked Mother Nature if we could all just get along."

-Jimmy Kimmel



"More bad news for Barack Obama. He just found he’s related to Bill O’Reilly."

-Jay Leno



"This is what’s great about America: in Pennsylvania, two guys, delivery guys, one for Coke, one for Pepsi. The Coke delivery guy was beaten up by the Pepsi delivery guy. Fortunately, he was treated at the scene by Dr. Pepper."

-David Letterman



"Yesterday, Yankees manager Joe Torres quit after the team offered him a pay cut that would reduce his salary to $5 million a year. Torres said for $5 million he couldn’t even get Yankee tickets."

-Conan O'Brien



"A study on teenage abstinence in sex education reports that more teenagers are wearing underwear that has the slogan “No Vow, No Sex” sewn on the underwear. Let me tell you, if your date is close enough to read your underwear, that virginity thing isn’t going to last."

-Jay Leno



"Good news for the terrorists: Undercover agents posing as passengers were able to get simulated bombs through the screening process here at LAX 75% of the time ... but not one drop of shampoo."

-Bill Maher



"The big story: Dick Cheney and Barack Obama — related! They are eighth cousins. Dick Cheney, Darth Vader? Second cousins."

-Jay Leno



"Mayor Bloomberger wants to plant 1 million trees in New York City. A million trees. They want to create a whole new image for Manhattan. From now on, exploding steam pipes will be called geysers."

-David Letterman

[TexasStooge]

"Presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich says that he once had an encounter with a UFO. Apparently, several weird looking, little men got off the ship, saw Kucinich, and said, 'It's alright. He's one of us.'"

-Conan O'Brien



"In response to the fires out here in CA, FEMA had a phony press conference and they had FEMA members posing as reporters asking them easy questions. They had no reporters there, just FEMA members. As opposed to a disaster where it's all reporters and no FEMA members."

-Jay Leno



"Dick Cheney had an awkward moment tonight at the White House Halloween party. He went dressed as Darth Vader and at the party, he ran into the real Darth Vader who was dressed as Dick Cheney."

-Jay Leno



"It’s Halloween, so this morning on the “Today” show, Matt Lauer dressed up as Hermann Munster and Al Roker dressed up as a scary vampire. Not only that — Larry King went on his show without makeup."

-Conan O'Brien



"Happy Halloween! Halloween is a time when people wear crazy outfits, scary makeup, and they do Satan’s bidding . . . as we call it here in L.A., Wednesday."

-Craig Ferguson



"Happy Halloween, everyone. This is the day we teach our children, “Go ahead, take candy from strangers.”"

-Jay Leno



"Britney Spears did a call-in to Ryan Seacrest’s radio show this morning. Half-way through the interview, she was suddenly gone. Ryan asked her a question and there was no response. Her assistant said she went to take a shower. At least she’s showering, we know that. They called her back a little while later, and she didn’t say much, but she did talk about her Halloween costume. She had a good idea. She’s going to go wearing panties. So she will be totally unrecognizable."

-Jimmy Kimmel



"On Halloween, teenagers are known to play pranks. They throw eggs at people’s houses . . . I’ve never understood that. In Los Angeles, they don’t throw eggs. They only throw egg whites. Throwing the whole egg would cause a riot in this town. Is that the yolk!?! You saboteurs! It’ll go straight to my hips!"

-Craig Ferguson



"As part of a promotion Taco Bell did during the World Series, everybody in America will receive a free taco. Experts say it’s a good move for Taco Bell, and an even better one for Charmin toilet paper."

-Conan O'Brien



"Last night during the World Series, New York Yankees star Alex Rodriguez announced he is opting out of his contract. There’s a rumor he may go to the Mets. After hearing this, the Mets said, “We don’t need A-Rod’s help; we already know how to choke.”"

-Conan O'Brien

[TexasStooge]

"The writers are going on strike on Monday. ... They are calling this the toughest time for comedy writing since those three weeks back in the '90s when Bill Clinton stopped dating."

-Jay Leno



"There was yet another closeted gay Republican in the news. A state representative from the state of Washington got caught paying for sex at an adult book store while he was on a legislative retreat. Is that what they're calling it now? ... He was dressed as a woman in red stockings and a black sequin lingerie top. Or, as Rudy Giuliani calls it, Casual Friday."

-Bill Maher



"Here's the kind of thing that makes this country great. A guy in Tennessee was in a food eating competition. ... He wins the competition. He ate 103 hamburgers in eight minutes. ... But you think about it, this has been a hell of a year for Al Gore. One thing after another."

-David Letterman



"During the Democratic debate Tuesday night, Senator Joe Biden criticized Republican candidate Rudy Giuliani, saying, 'There's only three things he mentions in a sentence -- a noun, a verb, and 9/11.' Giuliani later responded, saying, 'Joe Biden sucks 9/11.'"

-Seth Meyers



"Presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich has a new platform -- live long and prosper. Did you here about this? Dennis Kucinich admitted during the debates the other night that he had seen a UFO up close. See, Dennis Kucinich doesn't seem like the type of guy who would see a UFO, he seems like the kind of guy you'd see coming out of a UFO."

-Jay Leno



"Tensions are very high between Iraq and Turkey. See, this is where President Bush, I don't think he understands these issues. Like today, he warned the American people we could be in for a rough Thanksgiving."

-Jay Leno



"Last night the New Jersey Devils played their first home game in the new $380 million stadium. Newark residents say the new arena is classy place to get shot outside of."

-Conan O'Brien



"The Atlanta International Airport is now considering shorter flushes in its bathrooms to help cope with the drought. Shorter flushes on their toilets. Or as Sen. Larry Craig calls that, speed dating."

-Jay Leno



Democratic debate last night. Tough night for Bill Richardson. During the entire debate, the only question Tim Russert asked was, “. . . And you are?

-David Letterman

[TexasStooge]

After 2 months since the writers strike, the Late Night hillarity returns!!!
________________________________________________________________

"While he was in the Saudi Arabia, President Bush met with the Saudi crown Prince Abdullah. See, he’s not really good at these social situations. He kept asking the prince about his sister Paula Abdullah."

-Jay Leno



"They’re building a New Yankees stadium here. And the progress is really fast. There’s a good reason for it: The workers are taking the same stuff the players are."

-David Letterman



"David Spade is having a baby with a Playboy playmate. Miss March. In a few months, she’ll be sporting a tiny, whiny, crying thing around . . . then the baby will be born, and she’ll move on."

-Craig Ferguson



"If I seem like I’m off my game tonight, I want you to know it has nothing to do with the fact that I spent last weekend with Jessica Simpson."

-Jimmy Kimmel



"It looks like the Democratic field has really narrowed down. It’s going to be a black man or a white woman. A black man or a white woman. You know, this is the same decision Michael Jackson has to make every morning of his life."

-Jay Leno



"“American Idol” premiered last night. Apparently, it was the lowest rated premier in four years. Only 85 billion people watched last night. I like the bad singers better than the good ones. Especially the crazy ones. I was thinking I would like to see a whole show with nothing but crazy people being insulted by judges. And then I remembered that’s already a show, called “Judge Judy.”"

-Jimmy Kimmel



"The Michigan primary is tonight. And then there's the big Democratic debate in Las Vegas. But of course, the biggest story: American Idol is back on the air. More Americans will participate in “American Idol” than in the election of our next president. It’s true. And they’ll be happier about the result."

-Conan O'Brien



"It’s a great day for Oprah Winfrey. She’s getting her own TV network. It’s going to be called Oprah Winfrey Network, or OWN. Which is appropriate: She owns everything. The network will start small, then it will expand, it will get really good, then it will get small again then large, then small."

-Craig Ferguson



"President Bush is visiting our good friends in Saudi Arabia. Today President Bush said the Saudis are fully enlisted in the war on terror. Yeah — so fully, they’re on both sides."

-Jay Leno



"Because of the writers’ strike, the Golden Globes had to be cut down from three hours to one hour. And the winner is? The American public."

-David Letterman



"Congratulations to Nicole Ritchie. She gave birth to a daughter over the weekend. She weighed 6 pounds, 8 ounces. I don’t know how much the kid weighed."

-Craig Ferguson

[TexasStooge]

"Britney Spears showed up at the court house in a short black cocktail dress, for her custody hearing today, but left before the hearing even started. She said, 'This club sucks — let’s get out of here.'"

-Jimmy Kimmel



"Her friend Paris Hilton is strongly in Britney’s corner. Paris said, 'I wish everyone would just leave her alone. She’s a great mother. I wish the best for her.' I want to be sure I heard that right. She is? Maybe compared to your mother."

-Jimmy Kimmel



"It’s so cold, that Cloverfield monster? He changed his mind and attacked Miami."

-David Letterman



"What a cold day. It was so cold, I saw a flasher on Hollywood Boulevard wearing a sign on his raincoat saying, 'Objects May Be Smaller Than They Appear.'"

-Jay Leno



"Everyone’s worried about the economy. Don’t worry — George W. Bush is going to give it a shot in the arm. If that doesn’t work, Dick Cheney’s going to give it a shot in the face."

-David Letterman



Top Ten George W. Bush Ideas For Stimulating the Economy

10. Send troops to invade U.S. Mint
9. Oprah gives everybody a new car
8. Turn Grand Canyon into a giant national "Have a penny, leave a penny" jar
7. Cheney threatens to shoot Treasury secretary in the face
6. Plans to fix economy in third term
5. Replace Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke with briefcase babes from "Deal or No Deal"
4. Send elite team of economists to rob Mick Jagger's apartment
3. Ahhh somebody help . . . Cloverfield monster . . . Run for your lives!
2. Maybe not spending a billion dollars a month in Iraq?
1. Forget the economy why doesn't someone try stimulating Condoleezza?

-David Letterman



"Today was a big day in Hollywood. Academy Awards were announced. A lot of Oscar buzz for 'No Country for Old Men.' That’s also John McCain’s campaign slogan. Another Oscar nod for 'There Will Be Blood,' a story of a ruthless oil tycoon . . . or as Dick Cheney calls it, 'The greatest movie of all time.'"

-Jay Leno

[TexasStooge]

"Congratulations to John McCain — the big winner in Florida. He had to win over a whole voter group: Republicans. It was a tough fight for McCain. A lot of voters in Florida are unsure about him. At age 71, McCain is a lot younger than most Florida Republicans, so they don’t trust him."

-Jay Leno



"John Edwards dropped out of the race. He says he wants to spend more time with his haircut."

-David Letterman



"Rudy Giuliani is out of the race. Finally, a Republican with an exit strategy."

-Jay Leno



"Janet Reno has endorsed Hillary Clinton. The endorsement was slightly tainted, however . . . Janet Reno was mentioned in the 'Mitchell Report.'"

-David Letterman



"On the heels of the Florida results, both parties have lost a mainstream candidate. First up, South Carolina's favorite son, well, I guess in the primary there second favorite son. Obama won South Carolina and then there was their favorite daughter Hillary. I guess what I'm saying is, John Edwards turns out to be the Cindy Brady of South Carolina."

-Jon Stewart



"The experts are saying the State of the Union address was very ambitious. President Bush said he plans to introduce dozens of bold, new mispronunciations."

-David Letterman



You know what I thought was interesting? While the president was speaking last night, they had an online translation of the speech in Arabic, Vietnamese, Mandarin Chinese, Farsi and Spanish. So, I guess President Bush really is trying to reach out to the people of California."

-Jay Leno



"It was the annual State of the Union address down in Washington. ... By the way, this is President Bush's last State of the Union address. ... The next State of the Union address will be given by Co-Presidents Bill and Hillary Clinton. You know, that's what everybody is worried about. They say that Bill will actually be calling the shots. ... They will be the co-presidents. And I'm thinking this is going to be tremendous. You know what it is going to be like? It's going to be like Regis and Kelly."

-David Letterman



"President Bush gave his big State of Delusion address. ... In our last year's State of the Union speech, President Bush said, 'The economy is on the move.' This year he said, 'Where'd it go?'"

-Jay Leno



"Faith is playing a big part in this year's election. You have Huckabee, the evangelical guy. See, these fellas get a lot of people concerned about the separation of church and state. Do you know how that came about? Anybody know? See, the separation of church and state was made very clear by our founding fathers. See, what they did is they looked at the Ten Commandments. 'Thou shall not steal. Thou shall not bear false witness. Thou shall not commit adultery.' Then they looked at Congress and realized these two could never come together, we have to separate them"

-Jay Leno



"Have you heard this story? They're trying to pass a bill now that allows politicians to insist that they be addressed by gender- neutral titles. Is that really necessary? I mean, don't we already have gender neutral titles for politicians? 'Crook,' 'liar,' 'adulterer,' 'pinhead,' 'moron,' these are all gender-neutral."

-Jay Leno

[TexasStooge]

"How about those commercials during the Super Bowl? There was one called “My Talking Stain.” Sounds like Bill Clinton’s worst nightmare."

-Jay Leno



"I never realized how brutal the Super Bowl can be. Guys hobbling around, straining their muscles, taking tons of painkillers — and that was just Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers."

-Craig Ferguson



"How about that Mitt Romney? He looks like the guy that would approve your check at a supermarket. He looks like the piano player in an upscale department store. He looks like a guy who winks when he shakes your hand. He looks like the guy who is married to an over-the-hill actress."

-David Letterman



"You know what's interesting? Even though McCain is the frontrunner tomorrow in the big Super Duper Tuesday thing, the other GOP candidates still sniping at each other. You've been following this? Romney wants Huckabee to quit. Some think McCain is too liberal. Others think Romney is too conservative. Remember the good old days when the Republican Party was united against the poor? What happened?"

-Jay Leno



"Today is Super Tuesday. It’s also Fat Tuesday. Happy Super Fat Tuesday to everyone!"

-Jimmy Kimmel



Top Ten Ways To Make Super Tuesday More Exciting
10. Pull the level and a delicious Milky Way bar comes out
9. One lucky voter wins a romantic Bahamas getaway with Mitt Romney
8. Add a Showcase Showdown
7. Postpone it 24 hours so you can rename it Super Hump Day
6. Replace Mike Huckabee with his cousin Huck Mikeabee
5. Ballot-countin' monkeys
4. Eat poopy
3. Halftime entertainment by Dennis Kucinich
2. Invite Sean Young to appear at victory speech
1. Put a Manning on the ballot

-David Letterman



"A company here in Los Angeles is making dolls of all these current political figures. ... They're not like normal dolls where you pull the string and the dolls talk. These are a little different. These, you have to make a large donation to their campaign and then the dolls will say and do whatever you want."

-Jay Leno



"But, by God, I wish that John McCain a great deal of luck. I'm telling you, at my age, I'm just happy to see a president who's older than I am, you know what I mean?"

-David Letterman



"All the candidates are out there stumping like it's November. Do you know why campaigns call it stumping? Anybody know? You know where it comes from? It's interesting. It's called stumping because when you ask them, 'When are we getting out of Iraq,' they're stumped. 'How about health care?' They're stumped. 'The economy?' Stumped."

-Jay Leno



"In a recent speech, California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger said that if Republicans want to win, they have to be more like him. I think it’s working — today Mitt Romney gave a speech with a dozen walnuts in his mouth."

-Conan O'Brien



"Contrary to what the news says, Miami Heat center Shaquille O’Neil hasn’t been traded to the Phoenix Suns. He’s actually been traded to the sun. In exchange, the earth will receive two moons and a dwarf star to be named later."

-Jimmy Kimmel

[TexasStooge]

"Out in California, they recalled 143 million pounds of tainted beef. That’s one triple-stacked burger at Wendy’s. A hundred forty three million pounds of tainted beef! I believe that’s the largest amount of tainted meat since Roger Clemens."

-David Letterman



"John McCain seems reinvigorated. He has a new campaign slogan, 'he’ll lead you into the 21st century.' I like it better than his old slogan, 'he’ll lead you into assisted living.'"

-David Letterman



"Congratulations to the new nation of Kosovo. They gained their independence this week. Of course, President Bush was shocked when he heard this. He said, 'Independence? But we haven’t even invaded them yet.'"

-Jay Leno



"Cuban dictator Fidel Castro announced he is stepping down, ending five decades of rule. The biggest surprise is when Castro announced he’s going to retire in Miami."

-Conan O'Brien



"More bad news for Roger Clemens. Doctors keep finding more and more side effects from taking steroids. Now it turns out if you take them you may have trouble telling the truth."

-Jay Leno



"I want to get this off my chest: For the past 20 years, I have been using performance-enhancing vodka."

-David Letterman



"Fidel is being replaced by a younger, sexier Castro: his younger brother Raul. Is this even possible? Can you imagine a country run by one family for years and years and years? That could never happen here . . ."

-Craig Ferguson



"Hillary Clinton is campaigning in Texas. They’re really nervous over at the Hillary camp. To give you an idea how nervous she is, she showed up in a pantsuit and chaps. Last week in Wisconsin, she showed up in a cheese pantsuit."

-David Letterman



"This is weird: The band Abba is upset with John McCain. The band wants John McCain to stop using their song on his campaign route. When asked about it, John McCain said, 'Who cares about Abba? Kids today are into the Bee Gees.'"

-Conan O'Brien



"Steven Spielberg pulled out of the Beijing Olympics. He wasn’t competing or anything . . . he was the artistic adviser. He quit because of China’s poor record on human rights. Chinese officials were so upset they couldn’t torture anyone all week."

-Craig Ferguson



"Yesterday, Fidel Castro announced he is stepping down. He will be replaced by his brother Raul. According to the State Department, Raul is the Jim Belushi of Central America."

-Conan O'Brien

"Newsweek estimates that Bill Clinton made between 10 and 15 million dollars last year for speaking engagements. That explains why Hillary never speaks to him anymore — she can’t afford it."

-Jay Leno



"According to a new poll, the nation's youth do not have as much faith in the federal government being able to help them in their future. Fifty percent of the young people polled said they felt the federal government would get in their way of their goals and their ambitions. The other 50 percent said they had no goals or ambitions and hoped to work for the Federal government."

-Jay Leno



"While our writers were gone, Democratic candidates Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama all declared their support for the writers strike. Meanwhile, President Bush announced he's in favor of a 'readers' strike.'"

-Conan O'Brien



"Barack Obama is now considered the front-runner. You know what they say, behind every successful man is a woman. Hillary was surprised to find out that it was her."

-Jay Leno



"It’s Valentine’s Day. So if you’re watching this show right now, I guess things didn’t go very well."

-Conan O'Brien



Bad news for Roger Clemens. Today he tested positive for B.S.

-Jay Leno



"Earlier this week at the Westminster Dog Show, a dog named Uno became the first beagle ever to win Best In Show. To celebrate, the beagle says he plans to drink out of the toilet and party with some bitches."

-Conan O'Brien



"A woman in California is being studied because she says she remembers everything from the last 12 years. And I’m thinking, 'Wait a minute — isn’t that every woman?'"

-David Letterman



This has not been a good week for Hillary. I guess Bill bought her a dozen roses for Valentine’s Day . . . turns out seven of the roses have committed to Michelle Obama.

-Jay Leno

[TexasStooge]

"Ralph Nader has decided to run for president. Well you thought Mike Huckabee didn’t know when to quit. In fact, Ralph Nader’s campaign slogan? 'It’s me again.'"

-Jay Leno



"This just in: Barack Obama says he has a plan for getting us out of the Academy Awards. The show was very long. I think it takes a lot of nerve for a show that is 4 ½ hours long to give out an award for editing."

-David Letterman



"The ratings are in: This year’s Oscars had the lowest ratings ever. In fact, they were so low, the winners were able to thank the people who watched by name. They were so low, NBC may pick it up as a series."

-Jay Leno



"Tonight in Cleveland, Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton are debating one another for the 20th time. Experts are calling it 'redundant,' 'unnecessary,' and 'the most exciting thing that ever happened in Cleveland.'"

-Conan O'Brien



"Barack Obama said if they make a movie about his life, he would like Will Smith to play him. And Hillary said she would want an older woman who looks good in a pantsuit. So obviously she’s picked John Travolta."

-Craig Ferguson



"Starbucks has announced that they're introducing a coffee that costs only one dollar. Apparently the catch is you have to purchase it at Dunkin' Donuts."

-Conan O'Brien



"Another Democratic debate last night. This time in Ohio. The big winner? American Idol."

-Jay Leno



"Hillary Clinton is trailing Barack Obama. She’s getting pretty desperate. Today, she accused Barack of attending a party at Jose Canseco’s house."

-David Letterman



"In sports: The Florida Marlins have announced they will form an all-male, plus-size cheerleading squad. They will be called the Marlin Brandos."

-Conan O'Brien



"I was at the dentist today. I had a tooth removed. It was the last of my British teeth: I’m an American citizen now. Next week I’ll remove all my Speedos."

-Craig Ferguson



"It’s freezing all over the country. The Midwest is frozen solid. What we do to keep warm here is we gather around Paris Hilton."

-Jimmy Kimmel

[TexasStooge]

"Yesterday, presidential candidate Mike Huckabee said that he won’t stay in the race beyond reason. Then Huckabee announced he’s dropping out six weeks ago."

-Conan O'Brien



"Katie Holmes may be pregnant! That’s the scuttlebutt around Hollywood. Tom Cruise says he wants a boy. He doesn’t care what sex the baby is . . . he really wants a boy."

-Craig Ferguson



"In a press conference today, President Bush announced that America is not headed into a recession. Especially if you own an oil company. It will be great for you."

-Jay Leno



"Los Angeles’ tap water was voted the tastiest in the United States. Fine. I like New York City tap water. I like that you can blow the head off it."

-David Letterman



"Happy Leap Year! When President Bush heard that he said 'Remember to turn your clocks ahead one year people!'"

-Jay Leno



"Hillary Clinton won do-or-die primaries in Ohio, Rhode Island, and Texas. A lot of people thought she would be done today; this would be it. But like Bill always says, 'Hillary does not go down without a fight.'"

-Jimmy Kimmel



"Everyone’s trying to figure out what happened at the primaries. Here it is: Barack Obama had the most delegates; Hillary Clinton had the most superdelegates; and John McCain had the most problem going to the bathroom."

-Craig Ferguson

[TexasStooge]

"According to CNN News, John McCain would win if only beer drinkers voted. A Democrat, either Hillary or Barack, would win if only wine drinkers would vote. Here’s the interesting part: If we all got drunk on tequila, Ralph Nader might actually have a shot."

-Jay Leno



"Today it was revealed that Eliot Spitzer’s call girl appeared in a “Girls Gone Wild” video when she was a teen. When asked about it, she said, 'That was during my embarrassing pre-hooker days.'"

-Conan O'Brien



"Vice President Dick Cheney also in Iraq. He told the Iraqi government that their leaders have to show progress on both the domestic and economic fronts. And the Iraqis said to Cheney, 'Uh . . . you first.'"

-Jay Leno



"There was one bit of good news for the economy earlier today. At the last minute, a large investment bank was rescued at the last minute. It was adopted by Angelina Jolie."

-David Letterman



"Even President Bush starting to get worried about this economy being out of control, you know. I mean, gold is over $1,000 an ounce. Oil, $1,100 a barrel. Hookers, $5,000 an hour."

-Jay Leno



"And now and not a minute too soon, there's a quiz that you can take to tell if your spouse is cheating. Question number one: Is your spouse a governor?"

-David Letterman




"This is historic. New York now has a new governor. Excited about that? This is getting weird. Yesterday, David Paterson was sworn in as the new governor of New York. And hours later, he admitted to having an extramarital affair. Yeah, so in other words, he's already fitting right in."

-Conan O'Brien



"It just gets stranger and stranger, doesn't it? ... Former Governor Jim McGreevey announced one day that he was not be married anymore because he liked kissing boys. ... I don't mean boys. I mean men. So anyway, they said, okay. You don't have to be governor anymore. Now it turns out that he and his wife and another guy were having three-way sexual acts. I read that and I said to myself, I can't even handle a three-way bulb."

-David Letterman




"A Happy St. Patrick's Day to everybody! Amazing, over 300 sober people. You never see that on St. Patrick's Day. Everybody's wearing green. The only place you didn't see any green today, Wall Street."

-Jay Leno



"And then, of course, more news on the Spitzer scandal. It was reported today that the prostitute in the Eliot Spitzer scandal also had sex with Charlie Sheen. When asked about it, Sheen said, 'Hey, she's a prostitute, I'm Charlie Sheen, it was bound to happen'"

-Conan O'Brien



"New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer stepped down yesterday. He apologized. I don't know what he apologized for. I think it's steroids."

-David Letterman



"He's going to be looking for job. And I'm thinking, isn't that what got him in trouble in the first place? What the Spitzers are saying is, they need some time alone. And I thought this was very nice: Sen. Larry Craig offered his vacation restroom on the lake."

-David Letterman



"The identity of New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer's prostitute has been revealed. When asked why she slept with New York's governor, she said, because New Jersey's governor is into guys."

-Conan O'Brien



"She's an R&B singer. She says her latest song is inspired by a guy. She didn't say what guy, but she did say a bald, creepy governor. She says she doesn't want to be thought of as a monster. She said unless of course, someone has $4,000 and they're into role playing.

-Conan O'Brien



"You probably know that The New York Times was able to find that hooker that Spitzer allegedly paid $1,000 an hour for. Her real name is Ashley Dupre, and her MySpace page says her first love is music. Her second love is having sex with governors for money."

-Jimmy Kimmel



"Earlier today, the governor of New York, Eliot Spitzer, resigned. In his resignation speech he said, "To whom much has been given, much is expected." Which is the same thing he said to that $5,000-an-hour hooker."

-Jay Leno



"Gov. Eliot Spitzer resigned today. He left his resignation on the night table with a $300 tip. Four out of five New Yorkers wanted him to go. Of course, me and the writers wanted him to stay."

-David Letterman



"Because Eliot Spitzer is resigning as governor of New York, that means Hillary Clinton has lost another superdelegate. On the bright side, Bill Clinton has gained a super wingman."

-Conan O'Brien



"That shows you how the whole world is backwards. I mean you've got Democrats, who are supposed to be poor, paying $5,000 an hour for sex, and you've got Republicans, who are supposed to be rich, cruising airport bathrooms trying to get it for free."

-Jay Leno



Top Ten Messages Left On Eliot Spitzer's Answering Machine

10. Hey, what's new?
9. It's Barack Obama. Remember our conversation about being my running mate? Never mind.
8. Ralph Nader here, glad to hear I'm not the only politician who has to pay for it
7. I'm calling from the New York Post. Would you rather be known as "Disgraced Gov. Perv," or "Humiliated Whore Fiend"?
6. This is John McCain, if it makes you feel better, I once got caught having sex with Lincoln's wife
5. It's Dr. Phil, call me if you need any horses advice
4. This is Sen. Larry Craig. Do you ever go through the Minneapolis airport?
3. It's Wolf Blitzer. Call me if you ever want a hot Spitzer-Blitzer three-way
2. Paris Hilton here. I would have done it for free
1. It's Arnold Schwarzenegger. Thanks, I'm no longer America's creepiest governor

-David Letterman

[TexasStooge]

"The mayor of Detroit, Kwame Kilpatrick, has been charged with perjury after he got caught sending his chief of staff text messages about having sex. Yeah. He's also being investigated for having strippers at the mayor's mansion. And, of course, people are shocked. Detroit has a mayor's mansion?"

-Jay Leno



"I want to clarify something. Ringling Brothers is a three-ring circus. Governor and Mrs. McGreevey are a three-way circus."

-David Letterman



"No, Hillary now says that she just made an honest mistake when she said she had to duck sniper fire in Bosnia. There was no hostile fire of any kind. Although, ironically, while she was away, Bill Clinton did see some action. Do you think this is a big deal? See, all candidates exaggerate. Remember when McCain ran in 2000? Remember that? He had to retract a claim that he had been under cannon fire from the Confederates."

-Jay Leno



"Tragic news today — Herb Peterson passed away. He was the creator of the Egg McMuffin. He was 89. He said the secret to a long life was to never eat Egg McMuffins. He was buried in a paper sack, beside a hash brown."

-Jimmy Kimmel



"MSNBC is saying that there’s a chance that John McCain would pick Condoleezza Rice as his vice president. That’s a perfectly balanced ticket: he’s white, she’s black; he’s a man, she’s a woman; he’s always steamed, she’s rice . . ."

-Jay Leno



Top Ten Signs You're Watching Too Much NCAA Basketball

10. At dinner party, you make guests tip off for every pork chop
9. You got a tattoo of Jim Nantz where a tattoo of Jim Nantz shouldn't be
8. You name your child "Gonzaga"
7. Just checked into rehab to kick $500-a-day nacho cheese addiction
6. Got a 35-second shot clock in your bedroom — it's an oldie but a goodie, folks
5. Constantly asking, "What would Michigan State coach Tom Izzo do?"
4. Snack plus lack of activity equals sweet sixteen chins
3. You're so caught up in basketball, you don't even care that "The Hills" Audrina is about to go on her first date since breaking up with Justin Bobby
2. Kick everyone's ass in Scrabble by putting "Krzyzewski" on triple word score
1. You'll watch anything leathery and orange on CBS — even Letterman

-David Letterman



"Not such a great day for Hillary Clinton. Been caught telling a lie. Said when she landed in Bosnia 12 years ago, she was dodging bullets. Comedian Sinbad broke the story. Nothing says great journalism to me like the co-star of “Jingle all the Way.” Sinbad went on a trip to Bosnia with Sheryl Crow and Hillary Clinton. Sounds like a Movie of the Week on Lifetime or something. “Can a standup comedian, a woman rocker, and a tough drill-sergeant heal the war-torn Balkans?"

-Craig Ferguson



"Hollywood news: Pamela Andersen got an annulment from her marriage. You have to hope things will work out better for whoever she marries next month."

-David Letterman



"People magazine has published the first pictures of Jennifer Lopez’s twins. I got all excited and went out and bought the magazine . . . and it’s pictures of her children! Not what I expected at all."

-Craig Ferguson



"Sen. Larry Craig did not sign up for re-election. He’s not going to run for office again . . . Don’t let the stall door hit you on the way out, Larry."

-David Letterman



"Yesterday, kids all over America spent the day looking for Easter eggs. Today, parents in New York at Bear Stearns spent the day trying to find their nest eggs."

-Jay Leno

[TexasStooge]

"It's tax season. You always gotta be careful. In fact, I always ask my date for a receipt."

-David Letterman



"In Germany, a woman went to a plastic surgeon to have her wrinkles removed. When she woke up, the doctor had given her breast implants. Afterwards, the doctor said, 'Hey — no one’s looking at her wrinkles anymore.'"

-Conan O'Brien



"Kathy Lee Gifford is returning to television. She will be hosting the Today Show. Here’s the scary thing: President Bush knew but failed to act."

-David Letterman



"In a speech to union leaders yesterday, Hillary Clinton compared herself to Rocky Balboa and I think she's right on with that comparison because people seem to forget -- Rocky lost to a good-looking black guy."

-Jimmy Kimmel



"I like John McCain. He reminds me of a guy who spends a lot of time in the yard with a hose. He's looking for a vice presidential running mate. He needs a guy who is conservative, understands the economy and knows how to operate a defibrillator."

-David Letterman



"Not such a great day at CBS. They’re laying off a bunch of news guys. Apparently they have to make room for Andy Rooney’s eyebrows."

-Craig Ferguson



"While campaigning in Pennsylvania yesterday, Barack Obama told an eight-year-old boy if he wants to be president, he should work hard in school, get good grades and find a job that helps people. To which President Bush said, 'That's an April Fool's joke, right?'"

-Jay Leno



"And yesterday down in Washington D.C., President Bush threw out the first pitch at the Nationals game. ... He stayed and then left in the 7th inning and I thought, 'Great, at least he has an exit strategy for that.'"

-David Letterman



"The Washington Post reports that John McCain is having trouble raising enough money for his campaign. Plus, every time someone does donate money to McCain, he puts it in a card and sends it to his grandchildren."

-Conan O'Brien



"Well, in a stunning announcement, Pennyslvania Senator Bob Casey Jr., who had said he would remain neutral, because he's a Democrat, has endorsed Barack Obama. He said he endorsed because of his four young daughters told him they wanted Barack for president. It also explains his choice for vice president -- Hannah Montana"

-Jay Leno



"In case you forgot, taxes are due next week. You know, we all hate paying taxes, but the truth of the matter is without our tax money, many politicians would not be able to afford prostitutes."

-Jimmy Kimmel



"At a campaign rally in North Dakota, Barack Obama received a hockey stick as a gift from the University of North Dakota ice hockey team. Well, you thought he was a bad bowler."

-Jay Leno



"It's becoming a very controversial Olympics, and it's still months away. Here's the latest: Canada just announced it may boycott this year's Summer Olympics because of China's treatment of Tibet. Yeah, Canada may boycott. When asked about the boycott, Canada's prime minister said, 'I'm very angry at China. Plus, we suck at summer sports.'"

-Conan O'Brien



"Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice is now denying that she's interested in being John McCain's vice presidential nominee. She says she doesn't want the job. She believes McCain is a great leader, but she has no training as a registered nurse. So, consequently, she would not be able to assist in any way."

-Jay Leno



"The Pope announced that during his visit to New York City this month, he will visit a synagogue. The Pope's going to visit a synagogue. When asked why, the Pope said, 'I want to perform for a crowd that hasn't heard my material before.'"

-Conan O'Brien



"Penn was kicked off her campaign for promising Colombian officials that he would help them get a trade agreement that Hillary opposes. Did you hear his excuse? Hillary wasn't buying it. He said he misspoke. He was sleep-deprived."

-Jay Leno



"Slightly sad. Over the weekend, America lost one of it's greatest heroes, Charlton Heston. ... Charlton, or 'Chuckles' as he specifically asked me not to call him, was one of the last great Hollywood stars. He had it all -- perfect teeth, manly jaw, epic thighs. He was like Ronald Reagan, if Reagan had been an actor."

-Stephen Colbert



"According to a new poll that just came out -- this is hard to believe -- 81% of Americans think the country is on the wrong track. 81%. The other 19% own gas stations."

-Conan O'Brien



"After Governor Bill Richardson switched his support from Hillary Clinton to Barack Obama last week, an angry Bill Clinton said, 'Five times to my face he said he would never do that.' Wow, so he looked you right in the face and lied to you. What's that like?"

-Seth Meyers



"I feel for John McCain. He has a tough road to hoe now. He's trying to distance himself from George Bush. First off, by completing sentences with punctuation."

-Bill Maher



"The Olympic Torch arrived in Beijing Monday, where it immediately suffered an asthma attack and died."

-Amy Poehler

[TexasStooge]

"Here's the thing that troubles me. I mean, win, lose or draw, at the end of the day, the bottom line, cut to the chase, it's a lot of money. It's a lot of money to elect a president, don't you think? Really it's an awful lot of money. Hillary Clinton's campaign right now, this very minute, is $20 million in debt. Now, when she gets that 3 a.m. call, it's from a collection agency."

-David Letterman



"Hillary Clinton, big blowout in West Virginia's primary tonight. Yeah, she's the big winner in West Virginia. Which means that one day, she could be president of West Virginia."

-Jay Leno



"Anybody go down to the Crawford ranch for the big Jenna Bush wedding over the weekend? ... It was a lovely affair and God bless the kids. It's so nice so, sweet, romantic. But do you know there is a rice shortage? Are you aware of the fact you can't get rice in this country? So, when the wedding was over, they threw caramelized onions. That was so sweet, because at the reception, President Bush danced with his lovely daughter. It's the first time he has led in eight years."

-David Letterman



"I don't know if Barack Obama's getting tired or what, but in a recent speech, Barack Obama made a mistake. He said he had visited all 57 states. Yeah, that's what he said. Yeah, after hearing this, President Bush said, 'Haha, he forgot Alaska and Hawaii!'"

-Conan O'Brien



"Hillary says she's staying in the race because there are new patterns emerging, such as lower educated white men are now supporting her. That's what she said. Polls show she has strong support among lesser-educated white males. So you know what that means: President Bush could be voting for her now."

-Jay Leno



"How about this economy, ladies and gentlemen? Doesn't it stink? And we're really starting to notice it, because in the beginning it was sort of like, okay, a little bit here. But we are really starting to notice the effects of a sour economy in this country. Over at St. Patrick's Cathedral, they're watering down the holy water. Honest to God. That's right. It's only 60% holy now."

-David Letterman



"Well, John McCain said in his speech today, if he is elected president, he will fight evil. Until then, he will just continue to fight incontinence."

-Jay Leno



"This week, New York City Congressman Vito Fossella was arrested for drunk driving, then caught having an extramarital affair, then exposed for having a secret child with his mistress. Or, as it's known in Washington, the trifecta."

-Seth Meyers



"The price of stamps is going up next week from 41 cents to 42 cents. Aw, that's cute, said oil."

-Amy Poehler

[TexasStooge]

"While campaigning in Kentucky, Hillary Clinton stopped at a drugstore and bought a pair of reading glasses. It's true. Yeah, then she picked up a newspaper and said, 'Holy crap, I got to drop out of this race.'"

-Conan O'Brien



"President Bush was in Saudi Arabia to mark 75 years of official relations with the royal family. And 40 years of officially being screwed royally by that family. Did you see the present the royal family gave President Bush? You see what it was? ... A Schwinn. A brand new Schwinn, yeah. That pretty much says it all, doesn't it? He goes over there looking for solutions to the energy crisis, they give him a bicycle. And as you know, the country of Saudi Arabia is run by the Saudi royal family. Boy, imagine allowing someone to run a country just 'cause his dad ran the country. Thank God that could never happen here."

-Jay Leno



"This week, Barack Obama, true story, campaigned on an Indian reservation, and the tribal chief adopted him. Yeah, adopted him, part of the ceremony. The Indians actually prefer Obama to John McCain, because they still remember when McCain took their land."

-Conan O'Brien



"Hilary Clinton called David Archuleta immediately after the show and told him not to give up to stay in the competition no matter what."

-Jimmy Kimmel, on David Cook winning on American Idol



"Hillary Clinton campaigned extensively in Bowling Green, Kentucky, over the weekend. Barack Obama did not campaign in Bowling Green. He doesn't do well in any place with the word 'bowling' in it. Anywhere with 'bowling,' he is out of there. And I tell you, Hillary knows how to appeal to those voters. Like, she promised the people of Kentucky, if elected president, she would lower the price of pay-per-view wrestling fifty percent."

-Jay Leno



"But while President Bush was in Egypt, he did, he rode a camel. President Bush road a camel. So, if you are scoring at home, that's three humps."

-David Letterman



"On Wednesday, John Edwards officially endorsed himself for vice president. ... It's believed that Edwards' endorsement of Senator Obama will help Obama nail down the critical handsome millionaire vote."

-Amy Poehler



"And as you know, Senator John Edwards has endorsed Barack Obama. This is important, because his only other previous endorsement was, of course, for Crest Whitestrips."

-Jay Leno



"Speaking of Barack Obama, I guess he's having his differences with President Bush. Barack Obama says that President Bush refusing to meet with Iran's president would have been like Richard Nixon refusing to meet with Mao Zedong. After hearing this, President Bush said, 'Look, if he's going to make people up...'"

-Conan O'Brien



"President Bush was just in Saudi Arabia meeting with King Abdullah. He gets a little confused. He kept saying, 'So where's Paula Abdullah?' I don't think he understands."

-Jay Leno

[TexasStooge]

"Hillary Clinton is still not conceding. She says there’s still a chance of the vice presidency . . . in fact, she’s going to offer it to Barack one last time."

-Jay Leno



"In Colorado, a man who robbed a Starbucks was arrested when he came back two days later to buy coffee. The man said he came back to buy coffee because it was Starbuck’s turn to rob him."

-Conan O'Brien



"A bunch of people in Italy are turning Al Gore’s 'An Inconvenient Truth' into an opera. Here are some of the songs: 'You Make Me Feel So Hot,' 'Come Fry With Me,' and 'Call Me Biodegradable.'"

-David Letterman



"Former White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan has written a tell-all book — and it's full of inside information about how the public was mislead prior to the invasion of Iraq. The title of the book? 'Stuff That Would Have Been Really Helpful 5 Years Ago.'"

-Conan O'Brien



"There’s a new Vanity Fair article coming out that insinuates Bill has been kanoodling with actress Gina Gershon. He’s furious about this accusation because now he’s going to have to explain it to Megan Fox."

-Jimmy Kimmel



"During her speech last night, Hillary kept referring to Barack as 'my friend.' She was using the same tone as when she calls Bill 'my husband.'"

-Jay Leno



"In California, a high school student who's an illegal immigrant is about to be deported, but since he's the school's valedictorian, he's asking President Bush to help. Bush told the valedictorian, 'Don't worry, I'll never let them send you back to Valedictoria.'"

-Conan O'Brien



"Over the weekend Barack Obama left his church. Afterwards he said to Hillary, 'OK, now it’s your turn to quit something.'"

-Jay Leno



"Yesterday during a speech, President Bush said that his economic stimulus package is working because when people use extra money to buy a machine, that creates jobs at 'the machine-making place.' Then Bush introduced his new speechwriter, a 6 year-old boy named Timmy."

-Conan O'Brien



"Dick Cheney got into trouble. He had to apologize for a joke he made about West Virginia...no word on the Iraq war ..."

-David Letterman



"The astronauts onboard the International Space Station may have to return to Earth early, because the toilet is malfunctioning. Because there are two things that should never ever go together — an overflowing toilet and a zero-gravity environment."

-Conan O'Brien



"'Sex and the City' came out this weekend. The audience was 85 percent female. I dated someone once who was 85 percent female."

-Craig Ferguson

[TexasStooge]

"When President Bush heard gas was an average of $4 all over the country, he said, 'But how much is it in the city?'"

-Jay Leno



"Yesterday, Barack Obama said his differences with Hillary Clinton are 'infinitesimal, tiny, minute, trivial, and inconsequential.' When he heard this, President Bush said, 'That guy knows way too many words to be president.'"

-Conan O'Brien



"There’s a salmonella outbreak; they believe it’s linked to tomatoes. You don’t realize how much you eat tomatoes until you can’t get them anymore. Today I was forced to order a BLB, which is bacon, lettuce, and more bacon."

-Jimmy Kimmel



"Brutal heat wave going on. In fact, to get out of the heat, even straight guys are going to see 'Sex and the City.'"

-Conan O'Brien



"Apparently Barack Obama is “e-mail buddies” with Scarlet Johansson . . . This is making me question Sen. Obama’s judgment. If he has Scarlet Johansson’s e-mail address, why is he wasting time running for president?"

-Craig Ferguson



"Well, today it was made public that Hillary Clinton spent $212 million dollars on her campaign for the nomination. $212 million. Think about that. The last time anybody spent that kind of money to come in second were the New York Yankees."

-Jay Leno



"According to MSNBC, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt have consulted a psychic about the birth of their twin girls. The psychic predicted Brad and Angelina’s twin girls will grow up to be very hot."

-Conan O'Brien



NASA has announced plans to send a probe to orbit the sun — where it will be forced to withstand temperatures of 1,400 degrees Fahrenheit. When he heard about it, President Bush said: “Why don’t they just go at night?”

-Conan O'Brien



Top Ten Signs an NBA Game Is Fixed

10. Game begins 20 minutes before visiting team arrives
9. Tip-off always goes to the player with the largest salary
8. At the end of the first quarter, the score is 179 to 2
7. Missed three-pointers count for two points if they're "pretty close"
6. One of the Laker Girls looks suspiciously like Pete Rose
5. Whenever he's open, referee takes a shot
4. Scoreboard has disclaimer: "All Scores Approximate"
3. The team loses even though it led in points, delegates, and the popular vote
2. Jack Nicholson scores 25 points from his seat
1. The Knicks win

-David Letterman

[TexasStooge]

"Barack Obama has said he will visit Iraq. Or as John McCain still calls it, Mesopotamia."

-Jay Leno



"Yesterday a top Starbucks executive resigned. He will receive a $120 million severance package or three lattes."

-Conan O'Brien



"The Saudis announced today that there is no shortage of oil. They have plenty of oil reserves. In fact they assure us that they have enough oil to keep screwing us well into the next century."

-Jay Leno



"The Mars Lander has found traces of ice and salt on Mars. Now, it’s looking for tequila."

-David Letterman



"Hillary Clinton posted a slideshow of campaign photos on her Web site, but none of the pictures showed Bill Clinton. Bill said, 'That’s OK. None of the Web sites I go to have pictures of Hillary.'"

-Conan O'Brien



"A new poll shows less than 1 out of 4 Americans now thinks President Bush is doing a good job. That means when President Bush is having dinner with his wife and two daughters, he’s the only one at the table who thinks he’s doing a good job."

-Jay Leno



"Today at the U.S. Open, 32-year-old Tiger Woods came back to beat 45-year-old Rocco Mediate. When he heard that a younger African-American beat an older white man, John McCain said, 'uh-oh.'"

-Conan O'Brien



"Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee are back together. They’ve already scheduled their first domestic disturbance for Thursday."

-David Letterman



"Gay marriage is now legal in California and yesterday, a lesbian couple who are 83 and 87 years old got married. Witnesses are describing the ceremony as beautiful and the honeymoon as horrifying."

-Conan O'Brien



"Gay marriage became legal today here in California. Still no word on whether Simon Cowell can marry himself."

-Jay Leno