A blonde was weeding her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat who was hiding in the grass. She rushed her cat along with the tail over to Walmart!
Why Walmart?
Walmart is the largest retailer in the world!
All Together Now: GROAN!!! (Season 2)
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TexasStooge
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TexasStooge
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Re: All Together Now: GROAN!!! (Season 2)
Father Knows Best...
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a priest, said,
"I am a Father."
The little boy replied, "My daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many."
The boy said, "My dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."
The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds," and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said:
"Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar.
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a priest, said,
"I am a Father."
The little boy replied, "My daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many."
The boy said, "My dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."
The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds," and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said:
"Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar.
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TexasStooge
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Elementary Science
These were actual things that kids have said about our various phenomena of the world...you gotta love them!
*Question: What is one horsepower? Answer: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.
*Talc is found on rocks and on babies.
*The law of gravity says it's not fair jumping up without coming back down.
*When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.
*Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.
*While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.
*Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.
*South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.
*Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.
*A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.
*There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever.
*There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around up there these days.
*Lime is a green-tasting rock.
*Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.
*Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should.
*Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.
*Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother.
*Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.
*We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
*In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's.
*Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do.
*Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.
*We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won't drown when we breathe.
*Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail.
*In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.
*A blizzard is when it snows sideways.
*A monsoon is a French gentleman.
*Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
*Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.
*It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places.
*The wind is like the air, only pushier.
These were actual things that kids have said about our various phenomena of the world...you gotta love them!
*Question: What is one horsepower? Answer: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.
*Talc is found on rocks and on babies.
*The law of gravity says it's not fair jumping up without coming back down.
*When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.
*Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.
*While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.
*Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.
*South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.
*Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.
*A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.
*There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever.
*There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around up there these days.
*Lime is a green-tasting rock.
*Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.
*Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should.
*Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.
*Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother.
*Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.
*We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
*In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's.
*Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do.
*Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.
*We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won't drown when we breathe.
*Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail.
*In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.
*A blizzard is when it snows sideways.
*A monsoon is a French gentleman.
*Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
*Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.
*It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places.
*The wind is like the air, only pushier.
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TexasStooge
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Lexus
A lady walked into a Lexus dealership just to browse.
Suddenly she spotted the most beautiful car that she had ever seen and walked over to inspect it. As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart escaped. Embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed and hoped a salesperson hadn't been near.
But, as she turned back, there,standing next to her, was a salesman. With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiled back and asked, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?" Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madame I'm very sorry to say that, if you farted simply from touching it, you are going to $#!% when you hear the price"
A lady walked into a Lexus dealership just to browse.
Suddenly she spotted the most beautiful car that she had ever seen and walked over to inspect it. As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart escaped. Embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed and hoped a salesperson hadn't been near.
But, as she turned back, there,standing next to her, was a salesman. With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiled back and asked, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?" Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madame I'm very sorry to say that, if you farted simply from touching it, you are going to $#!% when you hear the price"
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TexasStooge
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How To Ace Your Job Interview...
An recent Italian immigrant to New York wanted a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.
"Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" the Italian says, "Dat is easy." And he proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Italian.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has ust drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
"All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Italian man stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog came along and poops by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, dat make one hundred. So, when I start?"
An recent Italian immigrant to New York wanted a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.
"Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" the Italian says, "Dat is easy." And he proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Italian.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has ust drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
"All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Italian man stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog came along and poops by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, dat make one hundred. So, when I start?"
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TexasStooge
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Speedy Divorce
A married couple are driving along a highway doing 60mph, the wife behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 20 years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing but slowly increases speed to 70 mph.
He then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet but speeds up as her anger increases.
"I want the house," he insists, pressing his luck. Again the wife speeds up, to eighty mph.
He says, "I want the car, too," but she just drives faster and faster.
By now she's up to ninety mph. "All right," he says, "I want the bank accounts, and all the credit cards, too."
The wife slowly starts to veer toward a bridge.
This makes him a bit nervous, so he says, "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife says, "No, I've got everything I need."
"Oh, really," he says, "so what have you got?"
Right before they slam into the wall at a 100 mph, the wife smiles and says, " The airbag."
A married couple are driving along a highway doing 60mph, the wife behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 20 years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing but slowly increases speed to 70 mph.
He then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet but speeds up as her anger increases.
"I want the house," he insists, pressing his luck. Again the wife speeds up, to eighty mph.
He says, "I want the car, too," but she just drives faster and faster.
By now she's up to ninety mph. "All right," he says, "I want the bank accounts, and all the credit cards, too."
The wife slowly starts to veer toward a bridge.
This makes him a bit nervous, so he says, "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife says, "No, I've got everything I need."
"Oh, really," he says, "so what have you got?"
Right before they slam into the wall at a 100 mph, the wife smiles and says, " The airbag."
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TexasStooge
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Fantasy Island...
A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years.
One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wetsuit....
Man: "Hi! Am I ever happy to see you."
Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here a long time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
Man: "It's been ten years!" With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man cigarette.
Man: "Oh thank you so much!"
Girl: "So tell me how long its been since you had a drink?"
Man: "It's been ten years" The girl unzips a little longer zipper on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink.
Man: "Oh... thank you so much. You are like a miracle!"
Girl: [Starting to unzip the front of her wet suit.] "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?"
Man: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there too?!"
A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years.
One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wetsuit....
Man: "Hi! Am I ever happy to see you."
Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here a long time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
Man: "It's been ten years!" With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man cigarette.
Man: "Oh thank you so much!"
Girl: "So tell me how long its been since you had a drink?"
Man: "It's been ten years" The girl unzips a little longer zipper on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink.
Man: "Oh... thank you so much. You are like a miracle!"
Girl: [Starting to unzip the front of her wet suit.] "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?"
Man: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there too?!"
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TexasStooge
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Three Dog Night...
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them “The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.”
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.”
“Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle. “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.”
She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said “How well can you do?” “Ummmm...I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever.
“My, my,” said the Poodle. “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.”
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?”
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says...
“Liver alone. Cheese mine.”
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them “The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.”
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.”
“Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle. “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.”
She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said “How well can you do?” “Ummmm...I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever.
“My, my,” said the Poodle. “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.”
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?”
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says...
“Liver alone. Cheese mine.”
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TexasStooge
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Parent Training Course...
Okay, so you want to be a parent. I don't have any hangups on that. However, it must be warned to you that maybe you should take these 11 tests before thinking about having a "little bundle of joy" because I can tell you, it's pretty rough...
Car Test: Forget the Roler, it's the station wagon for you. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment and leave it there. Then get a pencil and stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size tub on deep fried chips and mash them into the back seat followed up by running a rake along both sets of doors. Now after driving the sabotaged vehicle 130 000 miles with a second engine, try and trade it in.
Dressing Test: Obtain one large, unhappy live giant squid and attempt to stuff it into a small net bag at all times making sure that all the arms stay inside.
Stink Test: Smear honey, peanut butter and soy sauce all over the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick and hermit crab behind the couch and leave both there for the entire summer.
Feeding Test: Obtain a large plastic milk jug and fill it half way with water. Suspend it from the ceiling on a cord and start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the "mouth" of the jug whilst pretending it's a helicopter. Now dump part of the contents of the jug over your head and the rest on the floor.
Ingenuity Test: Take a tube of toilet paper and turn it into an Easter candle using only sticky tape and a piece of foil. Take and egg carton and make it into a happy rhino using only a pair of scissors and a pot of paint. Take a milk carton, and empty cereal box and a ping-pong ball to make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.
Land-Mine Test: Get your partner to spread a giant box of Lego all over the house then put on a blindfold then endeavor to walk to the kitchen. Don't scream as this will wake up a child at night.
Night Test: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand then soak it thoroughly in water. At 3pm start waltzing and humming with the bag until 9pm. Lay down the bag and set the alarm for 10pm. Get up and pick up the bag and sing every song you know. Make up about a dozen more sing these until 4am then set the alarm for 5am. Get up and make breakfast doing this entire procedure for the next 5 years. Look happy during the time you are doing this.
Physical Test (for men): Go to your nearest chemist and set your wallet on the counter. Ask teh shop assistant to help herself. Now proceed to the nearest supermarket. Go to the office and arrange your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store and purchase a race guide. Go home and read it quietly. It will be the last time ever.
Physical Test (for women): Take a large bean bag and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for nine months. Now remove 10 beans from it. Try not to notice the large closet full of clothes you have since you won't be wearing any of them for a while.
Shopping Test: Borrow a couple of small animals such as goats, ferrets or Tasmanian devils and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in your sight, paying for anything they eat or damage.
Warn-Off Test: Find a couple who already have a small child and lecture them on how they can improve their method of bringing up the child including paitence, discipline, table manners and toilet training. Enjoy the experience for the last time in order to have an opportunity to get all the answers.
If you complete the course, well done. Not pleasant, is it? Now you know what it really is like to have a baby. Adios.
Okay, so you want to be a parent. I don't have any hangups on that. However, it must be warned to you that maybe you should take these 11 tests before thinking about having a "little bundle of joy" because I can tell you, it's pretty rough...
Car Test: Forget the Roler, it's the station wagon for you. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment and leave it there. Then get a pencil and stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size tub on deep fried chips and mash them into the back seat followed up by running a rake along both sets of doors. Now after driving the sabotaged vehicle 130 000 miles with a second engine, try and trade it in.
Dressing Test: Obtain one large, unhappy live giant squid and attempt to stuff it into a small net bag at all times making sure that all the arms stay inside.
Stink Test: Smear honey, peanut butter and soy sauce all over the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick and hermit crab behind the couch and leave both there for the entire summer.
Feeding Test: Obtain a large plastic milk jug and fill it half way with water. Suspend it from the ceiling on a cord and start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the "mouth" of the jug whilst pretending it's a helicopter. Now dump part of the contents of the jug over your head and the rest on the floor.
Ingenuity Test: Take a tube of toilet paper and turn it into an Easter candle using only sticky tape and a piece of foil. Take and egg carton and make it into a happy rhino using only a pair of scissors and a pot of paint. Take a milk carton, and empty cereal box and a ping-pong ball to make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.
Land-Mine Test: Get your partner to spread a giant box of Lego all over the house then put on a blindfold then endeavor to walk to the kitchen. Don't scream as this will wake up a child at night.
Night Test: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand then soak it thoroughly in water. At 3pm start waltzing and humming with the bag until 9pm. Lay down the bag and set the alarm for 10pm. Get up and pick up the bag and sing every song you know. Make up about a dozen more sing these until 4am then set the alarm for 5am. Get up and make breakfast doing this entire procedure for the next 5 years. Look happy during the time you are doing this.
Physical Test (for men): Go to your nearest chemist and set your wallet on the counter. Ask teh shop assistant to help herself. Now proceed to the nearest supermarket. Go to the office and arrange your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store and purchase a race guide. Go home and read it quietly. It will be the last time ever.
Physical Test (for women): Take a large bean bag and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for nine months. Now remove 10 beans from it. Try not to notice the large closet full of clothes you have since you won't be wearing any of them for a while.
Shopping Test: Borrow a couple of small animals such as goats, ferrets or Tasmanian devils and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in your sight, paying for anything they eat or damage.
Warn-Off Test: Find a couple who already have a small child and lecture them on how they can improve their method of bringing up the child including paitence, discipline, table manners and toilet training. Enjoy the experience for the last time in order to have an opportunity to get all the answers.
If you complete the course, well done. Not pleasant, is it? Now you know what it really is like to have a baby. Adios.
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TexasStooge
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Three little ducks go into a Bar...
"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball.
Been in and out of puddles all day.
What else could a duck want?" said Huey
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender.
He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too.
Been in and out of puddles all day myself.
What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.
"My name is Puddles."
"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball.
Been in and out of puddles all day.
What else could a duck want?" said Huey
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender.
He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too.
Been in and out of puddles all day myself.
What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.
"My name is Puddles."
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TexasStooge
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How Government really works
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in DC: one from New Jersey , another from Tennessee and the third from Florida.
They go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well." he says, "I figure the job will run about $900--$400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700--$300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."
The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The New Jersey contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."
"Done!" replies the government official.
And that friends, is how it all works!
__________________________________________________________________________________________
Don't Mess With Grandma...
An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.
She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"
The four men didn't wait for a second invitation.
They got out and ran like mad.
The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition.
She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why.
A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station.
The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing.
He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed.
If you're going to have a Senior Moment, make it a memorable one!
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in DC: one from New Jersey , another from Tennessee and the third from Florida.
They go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well." he says, "I figure the job will run about $900--$400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700--$300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."
The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The New Jersey contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."
"Done!" replies the government official.
And that friends, is how it all works!
__________________________________________________________________________________________
Don't Mess With Grandma...
An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.
She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"
The four men didn't wait for a second invitation.
They got out and ran like mad.
The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition.
She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why.
A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station.
The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing.
He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed.
If you're going to have a Senior Moment, make it a memorable one!
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TexasStooge
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Daddy's Car In The Woods
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself
as he ran home and started to tell his mother. "Mommy, I was at the
playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane..."
At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an
interesting story, suppose you save! the rest of it for supper time. I
want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table that evening, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his
story. Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I s aw
Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.
Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
Mommy fainted!
Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt!
(oops)
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself
as he ran home and started to tell his mother. "Mommy, I was at the
playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane..."
At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an
interesting story, suppose you save! the rest of it for supper time. I
want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table that evening, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his
story. Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I s aw
Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.
Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
Mommy fainted!
Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt!
(oops)
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TexasStooge
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Re: All Together Now: GROAN!!! (Season 2)
What is a Kiss?
Prof. of Computer Science:
A kiss is a few bits of love compiled into a byte.
Prof. of Algebra:
A kiss is two divided by nothing.
Prof. of Geometry:
A kiss is the shortest distance between two straight lines.
Prof. of Physics:
A kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.
Prof. of Zoology:
A kiss is the interchange of unisexual salivary bacteria.
Prof. of Physiology:
A kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicular ors muscles in the state of contraction.
Prof. of Dentistry:
A kiss is infectious and antiseptic.
Prof. of Accountancy:
A kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.
Prof. of Economics:
A kiss is that thing for which the demand is higher than the supply.
Prof. of Philosophy:
A kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.
Prof. of Engineering:
Uh, What? I’m not familiar with that term.
Prof. of Computer Science:
A kiss is a few bits of love compiled into a byte.
Prof. of Algebra:
A kiss is two divided by nothing.
Prof. of Geometry:
A kiss is the shortest distance between two straight lines.
Prof. of Physics:
A kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.
Prof. of Zoology:
A kiss is the interchange of unisexual salivary bacteria.
Prof. of Physiology:
A kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicular ors muscles in the state of contraction.
Prof. of Dentistry:
A kiss is infectious and antiseptic.
Prof. of Accountancy:
A kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.
Prof. of Economics:
A kiss is that thing for which the demand is higher than the supply.
Prof. of Philosophy:
A kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.
Prof. of Engineering:
Uh, What? I’m not familiar with that term.
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TexasStooge
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Re: All Together Now: GROAN!!! (Season 2)
Corporate Lessons...
CORPORATE LESSON 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 dollars to drop that towel."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she get to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor" she replies.
"Great!" the husband says. "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to the credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
-----------------------
CORPORATE LESSON 2
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
---------------------------
CORPORATE LESSON 3
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered, "Sure, why not?"
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.
--------------------------------------
CORPORATE LESSON 4
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree", sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: B.S. might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
CORPORATE LESSON 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 dollars to drop that towel."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she get to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor" she replies.
"Great!" the husband says. "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to the credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
-----------------------
CORPORATE LESSON 2
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
---------------------------
CORPORATE LESSON 3
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered, "Sure, why not?"
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.
--------------------------------------
CORPORATE LESSON 4
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree", sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: B.S. might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
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TexasStooge
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Car Trouble...
A Rabbi, a Monk, and a lawyer are riding down the road when their car breaks down in the middle of nowhere.
Spotting a farmhouse they walk over and tell the farmer they need a place to stay the night while they wait for a tow.
"I've got room in the house for two of you but someones gonna have to sleep in the barn." says the farmer.
The Rabbi say's, "I've no problem with that, I'll go." He leaves.
Five minutes later theres a knock on the door. The farmer opens the door and the Rabbi is there.
He says, "Sir there is a pig in that barn; in my religion pigs are unclean, I cannot sleep under the same roof with a pig."
The Monk speaks up and says, "I have no problem with pigs I'll go sleep in the barn." He leaves.
Five minutes later theres a knock on the door. The farmer opens the door and the Monk is there.
"Sir there is a cow in that barn; in my religion cows are sacred, I cannot sleep under the same roof with a cow.
The lawyer responds, "I'll go sleep in the barn, I've got no religion." He leaves.
Five minutes later theres a knock on the door. The farmer opens the door and the pig and the cow are standing there.
A Rabbi, a Monk, and a lawyer are riding down the road when their car breaks down in the middle of nowhere.
Spotting a farmhouse they walk over and tell the farmer they need a place to stay the night while they wait for a tow.
"I've got room in the house for two of you but someones gonna have to sleep in the barn." says the farmer.
The Rabbi say's, "I've no problem with that, I'll go." He leaves.
Five minutes later theres a knock on the door. The farmer opens the door and the Rabbi is there.
He says, "Sir there is a pig in that barn; in my religion pigs are unclean, I cannot sleep under the same roof with a pig."
The Monk speaks up and says, "I have no problem with pigs I'll go sleep in the barn." He leaves.
Five minutes later theres a knock on the door. The farmer opens the door and the Monk is there.
"Sir there is a cow in that barn; in my religion cows are sacred, I cannot sleep under the same roof with a cow.
The lawyer responds, "I'll go sleep in the barn, I've got no religion." He leaves.
Five minutes later theres a knock on the door. The farmer opens the door and the pig and the cow are standing there.
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TexasStooge
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- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
- Contact:
Ghastly Groaners...
Q: What kind of street does a ghost like best?
A: A dead end.
Q: What did the papa ghost say to the baby ghost?
A: Fasten your sheet belt.
Q: How do ghosts fly from one place to another?
A: By scareplane.
Q: What directions did the ghost give the goblin?
A: "Make a fright turn at the corner."
Q: What kind of ghost haunts a hen house?
A: A poultry-geist.
Q: Why do ghosts go to baseball games?
A: Because they like to boo the umpire.
Q: What should you say when you meet a ghost?
A: "How do you boo, sir. How do you boo."
Q: What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost?
A: Put your shocks and boos on.
Q: What do you call a ghost in a torn sheet?
A: A holy terror.
Q: What tops off a ghost's sundae?
A: Whipped Scream
Q: Why did the baby ghost go to the doctor before halloween?
A: To get a BOOster shot.
Q: When do ghosts usually appear?
A: Just before someone screams.
Q: What do little ghosts drink?
A: Evaporated milk.
Q: How do you make a milkshake?
A: You sneak up behind a glass of milk and yell "Boo!"
Q: Why is a ghost such a messy eater?
A: Because he's always a goblin.
Q. Why do ghosts like to ride elevators?
A. It raises their spirits.
Q. Why did the game warden arrest the ghost?
A. He didn't have a haunting license.
Q: What kind of street does a ghost like best?
A: A dead end.
Q: What did the papa ghost say to the baby ghost?
A: Fasten your sheet belt.
Q: How do ghosts fly from one place to another?
A: By scareplane.
Q: What directions did the ghost give the goblin?
A: "Make a fright turn at the corner."
Q: What kind of ghost haunts a hen house?
A: A poultry-geist.
Q: Why do ghosts go to baseball games?
A: Because they like to boo the umpire.
Q: What should you say when you meet a ghost?
A: "How do you boo, sir. How do you boo."
Q: What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost?
A: Put your shocks and boos on.
Q: What do you call a ghost in a torn sheet?
A: A holy terror.
Q: What tops off a ghost's sundae?
A: Whipped Scream
Q: Why did the baby ghost go to the doctor before halloween?
A: To get a BOOster shot.
Q: When do ghosts usually appear?
A: Just before someone screams.
Q: What do little ghosts drink?
A: Evaporated milk.
Q: How do you make a milkshake?
A: You sneak up behind a glass of milk and yell "Boo!"
Q: Why is a ghost such a messy eater?
A: Because he's always a goblin.
Q. Why do ghosts like to ride elevators?
A. It raises their spirits.
Q. Why did the game warden arrest the ghost?
A. He didn't have a haunting license.
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TexasStooge
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Haunting Halloween Harmonies...
A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.
By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.
Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.
By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.
Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
"Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker. "He's just decomposing!"
A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.
By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.
Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.
By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.
Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
"Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker. "He's just decomposing!"
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TexasStooge
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- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
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Raindrops on Roses...
To commemorate her 69th birthday on October 1, actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP.
One of the musical numbers she performed was "My Favorite Things" from the legendary movie "Sound Of Music". Here are the lyrics she used:
Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Cadillacs and cataracts ,and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Back pains, confused brains, and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.
When the joints ache,
When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.
To commemorate her 69th birthday on October 1, actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP.
One of the musical numbers she performed was "My Favorite Things" from the legendary movie "Sound Of Music". Here are the lyrics she used:
Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Cadillacs and cataracts ,and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Back pains, confused brains, and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.
When the joints ache,
When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.
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TexasStooge
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- Contact:
Barking Beagles and Blondes...
A husband and his blonde wife were in bed asleep. About 2 AM they both awoke to the neighbors dog barking extremely loudly...
After lying there for the next 30 minutes unable to go to sleep, she tells her husband to go do something about the barking dog. He tells her he has tried to tell the dog to be quiet before and the dog always continues to bark!
There's nothing HE can do...
After another 15 minutes of barking, in frustration, the blonde wife retorts,"Well, if you won't do anything, I WILL!"
She jumps out of bed and disappears outside. A few minutes later she is back in bed.
The husband sat up in bed, and still hears the dog barking. He asks, "I thought you said you could fix the barking problem...I still hear him barking!"
She replies, "I DID fix the problem! I tied the dog in OUR yard! LET'S SEE HOW THE NEIGHBORS LIKE THAT!"
________________________________________________________________
The New Pastor...
A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners.
At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned.
Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis 3:10.'
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.'
Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.'
A husband and his blonde wife were in bed asleep. About 2 AM they both awoke to the neighbors dog barking extremely loudly...
After lying there for the next 30 minutes unable to go to sleep, she tells her husband to go do something about the barking dog. He tells her he has tried to tell the dog to be quiet before and the dog always continues to bark!
There's nothing HE can do...
After another 15 minutes of barking, in frustration, the blonde wife retorts,"Well, if you won't do anything, I WILL!"
She jumps out of bed and disappears outside. A few minutes later she is back in bed.
The husband sat up in bed, and still hears the dog barking. He asks, "I thought you said you could fix the barking problem...I still hear him barking!"
She replies, "I DID fix the problem! I tied the dog in OUR yard! LET'S SEE HOW THE NEIGHBORS LIKE THAT!"
________________________________________________________________
The New Pastor...
A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners.
At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned.
Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis 3:10.'
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.'
Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.'
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TexasStooge
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Re: All Together Now: GROAN!!! (Season 2)
Masculin, Feminin...
Male or Female? You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:
FREEZER BAGS
They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS
These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again.
They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.
TIRES
Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOONS
Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.
SPONGES
These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGES
Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
TRAINS
Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
HOURGLASS
An hourglass is female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS
Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL
Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.
Male or Female? You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:
FREEZER BAGS
They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS
These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again.
They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.
TIRES
Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOONS
Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.
SPONGES
These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGES
Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
TRAINS
Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
HOURGLASS
An hourglass is female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS
Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL
Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.
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