"Hamwinkies" The Crazy News Thread

[TexasStooge]

Great bathroom singer? TV wants you

By Tony Tharakan

NEW DELHI (Reuters) - An Indian television channel is looking out for good singers in the one place that has escaped the prying eyes of reality TV -- the bathroom.

"Bathroom Singer," a new singing contest on the Filmy entertainment channel, will zero in on an untrained performer who's good at singing in the shower and can enthral viewers.

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"But Can They Sing?"
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World's tallest man gets married

BEIJING (AP) - The world's tallest man married a woman who's two-thirds his height and half his age, holding a traditional Mongolian ceremony Thursday with great fanfare at the tomb of Kublai Khan.

Bao Xishun, a 7-foot-9 herdsman from Inner Mongolia, met his bride earlier this year after searching high and low, sending advertisements around the world. It turns out he didn't have to look far — 5-foot-6 saleswoman Xia Shujian hails from his hometown of Chifeng.

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I'm guessing he lifted his wife in order to kiss her.
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Kids at graveyard school face nightmares

PATNA, India (Reuters) - Scores of Indian children attending a school located in a graveyard were having recurring nightmares about ghosts and have appealed to authorities to shift them from the site, officials and residents said.

"I have stopped going to school after many dead people walked out of their graves and came into my dreams, ordering me to reach school on time," said six-year-old Raqib Ansari.

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I'd have nightmares too if any school I attended was next to a grave site.
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Dog finally off Wash. state voter rolls

SEATTLE (AP) - Duncan M. McDonald is finally off the voter rolls after the Australian shepherd-terrier mix was sent absentee ballots for three elections.

King County Elections Director Sherril Huff said she canceled the voter registration Tuesday for the dog owned by Jane K. Balogh, 66, who registered her pet to protest a change in the law that she said made it too easy for non-citizens to cast ballots.

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In the words of Harry Potter...

"Gaught on, have you? Took you long enough."

[TexasStooge]

Plane returns after drunken brawl on board

ST PETERSBURG, Russia (Reuters) - A Russian plane flying from St Petersburg in Russia to Doloman in Turkey had to turn back midflight after a drunken brawl over a young woman spun out of control, police said in a statement Friday.

Three young Russians boarded the plane drunk Thursday and "continued their party on board."

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Good grief! This is a plane, not an airborn club.
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Brothers give twins festival millions

CLEVELAND (AP) - A donation that the Twins Days festival is getting from the estate of two frugal bachelor farmers is enough to make some people do a double-take: as much as $5 million.

John and William Reiff, once recognized by Guinness World Records as the world's most identical twins, left most of their estate to the festival in Twinsburg, about 15 miles southeast of Cleveland. John Reiff died in 2005 and William five years earlier, but only recently have plans to develop part of the twins' suburban Philadelphia farm been worked out.

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Lucky them!!
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Remember your home phone number? Forget it!

LONDON (Reuters) - Can't remember life before mobiles? Chances are you'll also struggle to recall your home phone number and family birthdays.

According to a survey released Friday, the boom in mobiles and portable devices that store reams of personal information has created a generation incapable of memorizing simple things.

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Pilot forgets to lower landing gear

MIDDLESBORO, Ky. (AP) - A pilot ran through the usual steps of getting ready to land his small plane, except for one little thing — he forgot to lower his landing gear.

Without wheels, Thomas Lepsch's Beechcraft Bonanza skidded a few hundred feet down the runway at Middlesboro/Bell County Airport before coming to a stop Thursday.

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He must've been part of the Mobile phone study, then forgets the simplist of things.

[TexasStooge]

As tasty as a truckload of rats

BEIJING (Reuters) - Live rats are being trucked from central China, suffering a plague of a reported 2 billion rodents displaced by a flooded lake, to the south to end up in restaurant dishes, Chinese media reported.

Rats had been doing a roaring trade thanks to strong supply over the last two weeks, the China News Service quoted vendors as saying.

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Gives a whole new meaning to "Ratatouille".
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Red panda escapes from Zoo exhibit again

NORFOLK, Va. (AP) - Virginia Zoo officials on Monday began trimming the landscaping around a new red panda exhibit after the animal escaped for the second time in less than a month.

Yin, a 1-year-old that resembles a raccoon with red, white and black fur, was discovered missing from her exhibit Saturday. On June 21, Yin made visitors wait two hours until she emerged from her habitat for her debut only to escape into a nearby tree.

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I'm guessing he wants to be on the Panda Express.
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"Too sexy for my bus," woman told

BERLIN (Reuters) - A German bus driver threatened to throw a 20-year-old sales clerk off his bus in the southern town of Lindau because he said she was too sexy, a newspaper reported Monday.

"Suddenly he stopped the bus," the woman named Debora C. told Bild newspaper. "He opened the door and shouted at me 'Your cleavage is distracting me every time I look into my mirror and I can't concentrate on the traffic. If you don't sit somewhere else, I'm going to have to throw you off the bus.'"

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OK, that bus driver said she's too sexy for his bus. Why in the Dallas area is women wearing cleavage and the drivers aren't doing anything about it? Huh?
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Couple may lose home over $1.63 tax bill

SLIDELL, La. (AP) - A $1.63 property tax bill that never reached its destination in 1996 has turned into a nightmare for Kermit and Dolores Atwood, who are now trying to keep from losing their home over the unpaid notice.

Dolores Atwood calls the events that followed the wayward bill, including the eventual sale of their home at a sheriff's tax sale, "seven years of emotional hell."

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Another day, another Income Tax Sappy.
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Don't trust your man, minister tells women

By Kamil Zaheer

NEW DELHI (Reuters) - Indian men cannot be trusted in their sexual behavior and are fuelling the country's HIV epidemic, a female government minister said Monday, slamming the country's "hypocrisy" about sex.

Women and Child Development Minister Renuka Chowdhury said Indian women should protect themselves from HIV/AIDS by keeping condoms as their straying husbands may bring the virus home after visiting other women.

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Have them come to the Maury show and have them take Lie Detector tests to see if they're cheating.

[TexasStooge]

Judge punishes dad who took son bull running

MADRID (Reuters) - A Spanish man who took his 10-year-old son bull running during the annual Pamplona festival last week has had his visitation rights to the boy taken away by a judge.

The youngster's mother complained to police after seeing a newspaper photograph of her ex-husband leading their son by the arm just a few feet in front of the bulls, El Mundo reported on Tuesday.

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I thought the Bull running had a Parental Advisory label on it!
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130-year-old outhouses yield treasures

VENTURA, Calif. (AP) - A spot where a pair of outhouses stood 130 years ago is proving to be a treasure trove for archaeologists who braved the lingering smell in the dirt to uncover some 19th Century artifacts — and a mystery.

The one-time site of privies for men and women has been built upon repeatedly. Recently, crews demolished a former school bus barn on the 3.5-acre downtown site in order to build a condominium complex and a parking garage.

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Hmm.....
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Schoolgirl loses "virginity ring" battle

LONDON (Reuters) - A teen-ager whose teachers had stopped her wearing a "purity ring" at school to symbolize her commitment to virginity lost a High Court fight against the ban Monday.

Lydia Playfoot, 16, says her silver ring is an expression of her faith and had argued in court that it should be exempt from school regulations banning the wearing of jewelry.

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Well, the school made a stupid decision, they're making her advertise that she lost her virginity and is wanting more. Well, "You Can't Fix Stupid".
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Teen claims spiders alerted her to fire

HEMLOCK, Mich. (AP) - A woman who hates spiders is crediting them with helping save her from a house fire. Danielle Vigue, 18, says she awoke early Tuesday to find spiders in her room, and started killing them. When more showed up, she says she went across the hall and got into bed with her 15-year-old sister, Lauren.

"At first there were five, they were all around the light fixture," Danielle Vigue told The Saginaw News. "I hate spiders, they freak me out."

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Amazing how scary creatures can be life savers. It seems the creatures know what's going on more than we do.

[TexasStooge]

Police red-faced as Porsche stolen-twice

KUALA LUMPUR (Reuters) - Malaysian police were left red-faced after a man who abandoned the theft of a $280,000 Porsche for lack of fuel attempted the crime a second time and drove the sportscar out of a police station, local media said.

The suspect had first attempted the theft on Monday at a luxury car showroom in northern Penang state, local papers said. Dressed smartly in a suit and tie, he asked for the car keys and promptly sped off, smashing through the glass windows.

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The second time around.....
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Couple plans wedding, then Harry Potter

By SARAH SKIDMORE, Associated Press Writer

PORTLAND, Ore. - One Oregon couple's wedding night will be especially magical. Courtney Lanahan and Shawn Gordon of Clackamas are heading straight from their wedding reception Friday to a bookstore to get the final Harry Potter book.

The book's official release date is Saturday but many stores will be hosting midnight events to celebrate the debut of "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows."

The wedding starts at 7. The reception will follow. And at 11:30 the limo will whisk the new Mr. and Mrs. Gordon away — to the mall.

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They're not kidding when they said "Magical".
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Javelins kept away from track for senior citizen event

MILAN (Reuters) - Italian officials said Tuesday that javelin throwing would be kept away from the track during the Masters athletics world championships in September, which will include competitors up to 90 years old.

French long jumper Salim Sdiri was speared by a flying javelin during the Golden League meeting in Rome Friday after Finnish thrower Tero Pitkamaki slipped at the end of his run-up.

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Considering something's bound to go wrong at a Javelin event, I don't blame them.
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Senator blames rinse for hair change

OMAHA, Neb. (AP) - Sen. Ben Nelson's hair has always been his most distinguishing feature. The Nebraska Democrat's aides have long called him "Hair Force One."

But Nelson winces at the attention his thick mane has been receiving in recent days.

When he showed up on "The Colbert Report" on Comedy Central on Monday, his silver hair was back to its original shade of brown.

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Maybe he should've went to a barber with a little more experience.

[TexasStooge]

Woman mistakes stuffed toy for masked crook

BERLIN (Reuters) - Armed police went into action in the German city of Wuppertal after a woman reported seeing a masked criminal -- but having rushed to the scene, they were surprised to find not a crook, but a large stuffed toy.

The woman was returning late at night to her car in an indoor car park when she saw the suspected brigand through the window of a parked van, police said Thursday.

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Now THAT'S one hardened criminal.
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Family searches feces of cash-eating dog

MENOMONIE, Wis. (AP) - Debbie Hulleman's dog Pepper has been known to gnaw on lipstick, munch on shampoo bottles and chew on toothpaste. But Pepper got Hulleman into a real mess after gobbling nearly $750.

"This is probably the worst," Hulleman said Thursday, recalling how she poked through vomit and dog piles left in the yard to recover the cash.

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I wonder if they got a dog from a stranger who left a note that said "P.S., this dog eats everything."
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Publishers fail to spot plagiarized Jane Austen

LONDON (Reuters) - Even Jane Austen would have trouble finding a publisher today, a struggling author revealed Thursday.

David Lassman sent off to 18 publishers assorted chapters from Austen novels in which he changed just the titles and the names of the characters.

He called himself Alison Laydee after Austen's early pseudonym "A Lady."

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Who's been plagiarizing Jane Austen?
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Woman finds black widow spider in grapes

ANDOVER, Minn. (AP) - Judy Reardon found something unexpected in the four-pound box of grapes she brought home from Costco in Coon Rapids last week. Something dangerous. As she washed off the grapes and put them in plastic bags last week, she saw something move — a spider. With the help of her husband, she captured it alive in a jar.

"I wanted to destroy her but my husband has been keeping her — cause I don't know why," Reardon said.

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What an unpleasant surprise.

[TexasStooge]

Do fish suffer from exposure to Uriah Heep?

HELSINKI (Reuters) - A Finnish researcher is to study fish in an aquarium while a rock group performs nearby, to see if the sound causes any ill-effects or distress.

Bands including aging rockers Uriah Heep will perform on Friday night to about 3,000 fans in a tent just a couple of dozen metres away from the aquarium.

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I wonder if it's the same rock group that exposed themselves to Chili sauce.
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Tiny dog saves baby from rattlesnake

MASONVILLE, Colo. (AP) - Zoey is a Chihuahua, but when a rattlesnake lunged at her owners' 1-year-old grandson, she was a real bulldog.

Booker West was splashing his hands in a birdbath in his grandparents' northern Colorado back yard when the snake slithered up to the toddler, rattled and struck. Five-pound Zoey jumped in the way and took the bites.

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"¡Yo no quiero Taco Bell, yo quiero matar a la serpiente!"
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Man finds out wife, not daughter, having affair

JERUSALEM (Reuters) - An Israeli man who hired a detective to find out whether his daughter was cheating on her husband was told by the investigator his wife was in fact the one being unfaithful, an Israeli newspaper reported on Sunday.

The man had his daughter followed at the request of his son-in-law, who had been suspicious of his wife's behaviour. The daughter was found innocent but the private investigator managed to snap photographs of the mother and another man caught in the act, the Maariv daily said.

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Well, there's no need to take the ladies to "Maury".
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Philly mayor and guards rescue boy, cat

PHILADELPHIA (AP) - The mayor and two of his bodyguards happened upon a house fire and ended up rescuing a cat, helping a victim and warning neighbors, officials and witnesses said.

Neighbor Dorothy Young said she saw the smoke Friday morning and went outside to find two children who lived in the house crying at the bottom of her steps.

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Who says Mayors can't be heroes?

[TexasStooge]

Nude blonde, gold stilettos and a Ferrari.

BERLIN (Reuters) - A mysterious blonde paid a visit to a petrol station shop in the small eastern German town of Doemitz on Sunday -- wearing nothing but a pair of golden stilettos and a thin gold bracelet.

The tall, slender woman strolled into the shop in the town of Doemitz on the warm afternoon and bought cigarettes, petrol station employee Ines Swoboda told Reuters on Monday.

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What is she tring to be, the next Goldmember?
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Couple locked up boy during Packers game

MILWAUKEE - A couple who admitted locking a 7-year-old boy in his room with a bucket for a toilet while they watched Packers games at a casino received jail sentences Monday. Circuit Judge Jeffrey Wagner called the couple's actions "abhorrent" and ordered them to undergo psychological screening.

"What both of you did certainly shocks the conscience of the community," Wagner said.

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What's more important? The Game, or the kid?
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Baseball player not signing enough autographs?

NEW YORK (Reuters) - A sports memorabilia company is suing Boston Red Sox star David Ortiz -- claiming the popular slugger does not sign enough autographs.

Steiner Sports Marketing is seeking at least $1 million in damages from the 31-year-old Dominican, in a lawsuit filed on Friday in New York state court.

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He could be having Writer's Cramps.
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Wayward bull pummels veterinarian

KREBS, Okla. (AP) - A large Angus bull apparently didn't enjoy his recent medical treatment. After being treated for worms at the Wynn Animal Hospital on Friday, the 1,800-pound bull charged the veterinarian, Dr. Eric Wynn, knocked him to the floor of a barn and then used its head to repeatedly pummel the veterinarian.

"If this bull had horns, I wouldn't be talking to you now," Wynn, 48, told the McAlester News-Capital. "I thought I was dead."

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This ain't no "Bull".

[TexasStooge]

Prosecutor crusades against fake degrees

ASUNCION (Reuters) - A health department official in Paraguay who worked as a doctor for 15 years and even directed a state clinic was arrested Monday on charges of fraud and faking his medical degree, a prosecutor said.

Edgar Maidana, a Paraguayan whose qualifications supposedly came from San Martin de Porres de Lima University in Peru, was the latest official accused of fraud in a months-long probe of fake degrees by government prosecutor Martin Cabrera.

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Another day, another Malpractice.
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Voracious jumbo squid invade California

MONTEREY, Calif. (AP) - Jumbo squid that can grow up to 7 feet long and weigh more than 110 pounds are invading central California waters and preying on local anchovy, hake and other commercial fish populations, according to a study published Tuesday.

An aggressive predator, the Humboldt squid — or Dosidicus gigas — can change its eating habits to consume the food supply favored by tuna and sharks, its closest competitors, according to an article published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences journal.

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Did somebody say "Calamari"?
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Hey big spender, $210,000 drinks bill

LONDON (Reuters) - A Middle Eastern businessman spent over $210,000 in a five-hour, champagne- and vodka-fuelled spending spree in a London nightclub at the weekend.

Fraser Donaldson, a representative of Crystal, a club favored by Prince Harry, said in 20 years working in the industry it was the biggest bill he'd seen from one customer.

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I can spend that much on a house.
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Rats and cats work to sniff out mines

BOGOTA, Colombia (AP) - Who says Tom and Jerry can't be friends? For the past year, a special Colombian police unit has been locking rats in cages with cats as part of a project to train the rodents to sniff out the more than 100,000 landmines planted mostly by leftist rebels across this conflict-wracked Andean country.

Bringing the rats face to face with an enemy allows them to stay more focused once they are released, veterinarian Luisa Mendez, who's been working with the animals for two years, told The Associated Press on Tuesday.

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Another interesting project where pets set aside their differences.

[TexasStooge]

Fundraiser to feature machine guns

BOSTON (Reuters) - A planned Republican fundraiser in New Hampshire aims to promote gun ownership in America by letting supporters fire powerful military-style weapons -- from Uzi submachine guns to M-16 rifles.

The Manchester Republican Committee is inviting party members and their families to a "Machine Gun Shoot" where, for $25, supporters can spend a day trying out automatic weapons, said organizer Jerry Thibodeau.

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That's not my idea of fun.
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ExxonMobil sends man 2,000 credit

NEW YORK (AP) - He wanted a couple of credit cards. He got a couple of thousand. Manhattan accountant Frank Van Buren found himself flooded with plastic in recent weeks, as the ExxonMobil cards kept on coming. Van Buren, who said he has had an ExxonMobil account for his business for 17 years, had ordered two copies of his card because it was expiring.

He got the cards he requested — and then got two boxes with 1,000 cards each. Van Buren said it took hours to shred the cards, which all had his name and account number.

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I hope they don't get any ideas on giving away those credit cards.
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Oscar the cat predicts patients' deaths

By RAY HENRY, Associated Press Writer

PROVIDENCE, R.I. - Oscar the cat seems to have an uncanny knack for predicting when nursing home patients are going to die, by curling up next to them during their final hours. His accuracy, observed in 25 cases, has led the staff to call family members once he has chosen someone. It usually means they have less than four hours to live.

"He doesn't make too many mistakes. He seems to understand when patients are about to die," said Dr. David Dosa in an interview. He describes the phenomenon in a poignant essay in Thursday's issue of the New England Journal of Medicine.

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WOW!!

[TexasStooge]

Save energy and wear shorts, Shanghai workers told

SHANGHAI (Reuters) - One of Shanghai's main business districts is urging office workers to ditch their suits and ties for shorts and T-shirts Friday as temperatures approach 40 degrees Celsius (104 Fahrenheit).

"Shanghai municipal government is starting an 'energy saving' campaign in order to promote the people's awareness of environmental protection," said a notice in the lobby of the Azia Center, in the city's financial hub of Pudong.

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Why hasn't anyone in US thought of this before?
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Dentist wins case over tusks in mouth

OLYMPIA, Wash. - An oral surgeon who played a practical joke on his assistant, and got sued for it, ended up getting the last laugh Thursday.

Dr. Robert Woo, of Auburn, temporarily implanted fake boar tusks in his employee's mouth while she was under anesthesia and took photos that later made the rounds. The employee felt humiliated and quit, later suing her boss.

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Well, now it hurts to know the "tooth".
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Malaysian teacher apologizes for pond punishment

KUALA LUMPUR (Reuters) - A Malaysian teacher has apologized for forcing 200 schoolgirls to squat in a dirty pond after they failed to own up to a sanitary pad found in a toilet bowl, a newspaper said Thursday.

The Star newspaper said in its online edition that the 27-year-old female teacher had been spared punishment after the apology to the parents of the students. (http://www.thestar.com.my)

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I can understand if she's a little frustrated, but that's kinda pushing it, don't ya think?

At least she took responsibility for her own actions.
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Falling ice chunks hit Iowa neighborhood

DUBUQUE, Iowa (AP) - Large chunks of ice, one of them reportedly about 50 pounds, fell from the sky in this northeast Iowa city, smashing through a woman's roof and tearing through nearby trees.

Authorities were unsure of the ice's origin but have theorized the chunks either fell from an airplane or naturally accumulated high in the atmosphere — both rare occurrences.

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You don't think it's some hail storm, do ya?

[TexasStooge]

Sheikh delays plane over seating

MILAN (Reuters) - A Qatar sheikh held up a British Airways flight at Milan's Linate airport for nearly three hours after discovering three of his female relatives had been seated next to men they did not know.

When none of the other business class passengers agreed to swap seats, the sheikh, a member of Qatar's ruling family, went to the pilot, who had already started the engine, to complain, an airport official said.

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All over a seat. How childish.
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Exclamation point costs texter a win

MINOT, N.D. (AP) - Oh, no! Don't forget the exclamation point! It could cost you $1,000! Kevin Taylor, 30, of Minneapolis, lost out on a $1,000 first prize in a text messaging contest at the North Dakota State Fair because he forgot the punctuation mark at the end of a phrase that he and his sudden-death competitor had to enter.

So he settled for $200.

Beth Brevik, 32, of Minot, ended up with the big prize at Saturday's contest, tapping out the phrase: "I hope I win the grand prize of $1,000 so I can buy a new phone. Whoo!"

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Couldn't he just say that he had texter's cramp?
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Hotels told to provide condoms

BEIJING (Reuters) - China has ordered all hotels, holiday resorts and public showers to provide condoms, part of nationwide efforts to fight the spread of AIDS, a newspaper said on Friday.

The regulation, issued by the commerce and health ministries, also required pamphlets about AIDS prevention to be displayed, the Beijing News said.

The move follows an unusual step by the booming eastern province of Zhejiang in March to fine hotels and bars if they did not provide condoms.

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The best protected sex you can have is one word... ABSTINENCE!!!
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Panda poop to be recycled into souvenirs

By AUDRA ANG, Associated Press Writer

BEIJING - Nothing says "I love you" like a photo frame made from panda poop.

The Chengdu Giant Panda Breeding Base has come up with a dung-for-profit scheme that turns droppings from the endangered species into odor-free souvenirs ranging from bookmarks to Olympic-themed statues of the animals, state media and base officials said Monday.

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Study finds drunk astronauts allowed to fly?

HOUSTON (Reuters) - A panel has found that astronauts were allowed to fly on at least two occasions despite warnings they were so drunk they posed a flight risk, Aviation Week reported on Thursday on its Web site.

The publication said the panel set up by NASA to study astronaut health issues reported "heavy use of alcohol" within 12 hours of launch.

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Geez! Another excuse to be Drunk In Public.
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Ill. town tries to ketchup to record

COLLINSVILLE, Ill. (AP) - First came the world's largest ketchup bottle. Now this southern Illinois community is after the record for the world's largest ketchup packet.

Collinsville has partnered with the H.J. Heinz Co. to fill an 8-foot-tall, 4-foot-wide plastic pouch with 1,500 pounds of the tomato goop for a school fundraiser.

"That's a lot of ketchup," said Tracey Parsons, a Heinz spokeswoman.

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Get it? "Ketchup" (Catch up)!

[TexasStooge]

Cell phones light up operating room during blackout

BUENOS AIRES (Reuters) - The light from the cell phone screens allowed surgeons to complete an emergency appendix operation during a blackout in a city in central Argentina, reports said on Saturday.

Leonardo Molina, 29, was on the operating table on July 21, when the power went out in the Policlinico Juan D. Peron, the main hospital in Villa Mercedes, a small city in San Luis province.

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Another perfect use for cellphones.
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Wash. city fights gangs with symphonies

TACOMA, Wash. (AP) - City authorities, fed up with gang activity in public places, are taking Bach their bus stop.

Transit workers are installing speakers this week to pump classical music from Seattle's KING-FM into the Tacoma Mall Transit Center. The tactic is designed to disperse young criminals who make drug deals at the bus stop or use public transportation to circulate between the mall and other trouble-prone places.

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I'd like the same thing happening in the DFW area transit centers as well.
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Poland's oldest parachutist jumps at 84

WARSAW (Reuters) - Krystyna Zbyszynska, 84, became Poland's oldest parachutist when she made her first jump with her daughter-in-law, news channel TVN24 reported Sunday.

"I survived World War Two and wasn't afraid, so what's there to be afraid of now?" she said after clambering out of her jumpsuit this weekend.

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Berlin names street after Frank Zappa

BERLIN (AP) - Berlin has named a street honoring Frank Zappa.

Zappa's brother, Bobby Zappa, said the Grammy-winning rocker, who died in 1993, would have been pleased, in a letter of thanks.

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Another day, another piece of landmark named agter a deceased legend.

[TexasStooge]

Woman arrested over body parts in fridge

KUALA LUMPUR (Reuters) - Malaysian police have arrested a woman in connection with the murder of a man whose body was chopped into 11 pieces and stuffed into a refrigerator in a posh apartment in the capital.

The remains were discovered in black bin bags when a man who bought the apartment at a bank auction went to clean the unit, which had been vacant for more than three months, the Star newspaper said on Tuesday.

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Well, there went my breakfast.
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Why people have sex: It feels good

By SETH BORENSTEIN, AP Science Writer

WASHINGTON - After exhaustively compiling a list of the 237 reasons why people have sex, researchers found that young men and women get intimate for mostly the same motivations. It's more about lust in the body than a love connection in the heart.

College-aged men and women agree on their top reasons for having sex — they were attracted to the person, they wanted to experience physical pleasure and "it feels good," according to a peer-reviewed study in the August edition of Archives of Sexual Behavior. Twenty of the top 25 reasons given for having sex were the same for men and women.

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It only feels good when you have a spouse.
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Former racing champ loses driving license

SAO PAULO (Reuters) - Three-time Formula One champion Nelson Piquet began taking a driving education course on Monday in Brazil after having his license revoked for racking up too many traffic violations, local media reported.

Piquet, one of just three Brazilians to win the Formula One world championship, lost his license in June after receiving a slew of speeding and parking tickets. His wife, Viviane, also had her license taken away for bad driving and joined her husband in the mandatory driver awareness course.

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That's Life in the Fast Lane for ya.
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Monkey unlocks pen, eludes zoo staff

TUPELO, Miss. (AP) - The Tupelo Buffalo Park and Zoo asked residents Tuesday to help in the recovery of a white-faced capuchin monkey that apparently managed to unlock his pen and escape. Oliver freed himself at about 8 a.m. and led park staff on a chase through the park's trail system before eventually eluding them.

Park employee Ann Stewart said Oliver will respond to his own name and may take bait of bananas, marshmallow or grapes. She urged people to call the park if they spot the mammal.

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FREEDOM!!!!!

[TexasStooge]

If you can't trust kidnappers, who can you trust?

BOGOTA (Reuters) - Colombian mobile telephone users are being duped by criminals who pose as phone operators and instruct them to turn off their handsets just long enough to demand ransom from their families.

Colombia, long one of the world's kidnapping capitals, has seen a rash of cases in which mobile phone customers receive messages telling them to turn off their handsets for two hours because their telephones have been cloned, police say.

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Oh, geez!!
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Bogus Beckham bends truth in LA calls

LOS ANGELES (AP) - An imposter pretending to be soccer superstar David Beckham made a dozen crank calls to county offices to chat about charity work and drop names of celebrity friends, officials said.

County Public Information Officer Judy Hammond said the bogus Beckham also suggested bringing underprivileged kids to a practice session of the Los Angeles Galaxy, Beckham's new team.

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Do I see another season of "Crank Yankers"?
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Lottery player wins twice by mistake

LONDON (Reuters) - A lottery winner doubled his share of the jackpot to nearly 1 million pounds after he mistakenly bought two lucky tickets for the same draw, organizers Camelot said Wednesday.

Derek Ladner, 57, from Cornwall, and his wife Dawn, 60, won with their usual numbers in the mid-week draw, sharing the 2.4 million pounds jackpot with four other tickets.

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If only I were that lucky...
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Taxi company keeps human heart on ice

IOWA CITY, Iowa (AP) - A taxi cab company had a heart.

Yellow Cab of Iowa City had to keep a human heart, en route to a tissue processing company in Atlanta, at its dispatch office after an airline refused to keep it overnight at the Eastern Iowa Airport in Cedar Rapids.

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Why would an Airline company reject such a heart?

[TexasStooge]

Odor leads to illegal dung depot

MIAMI (Reuters) - A Florida man stockpiled 20,000 cubic yards of horse manure on his property and was charged with running an illegal composting operation, environmental regulators said on Wednesday.

Neighbors complained about the odor wafting from Walter Duque's property in the rural community of Loxahatchee, where several acres were covered with manure piles up to 15 feet (4.5 meters) high, the state Department of Environmental Protection said.

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Australian, 94, earns master's degree

By ROD MCGUIRK, Associated Press Writer

CANBERRA, Australia - A 94-year-old great-great-grandmother who left school at the age of 12 appears to be the world's oldest recipient of a master's degree, an official with Guinness World Records said Friday.

University of Adelaide graduate Phyllis Turner was awarded her master's degree in medical science earlier this week at a ceremony in her hometown of Adelaide, surrounded by generations of offspring.

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Better late than never.

Speaking of Old oddities...
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But Mom! The other 61-year-olds get an allowance!

ROME (Reuters) - A Sicilian mother took away her 61-year-old son's house keys, cut off his allowance and hauled him to the police station because he stayed out late.

Tired of her son's misbehavior, the retiree in the central Sicilian city of Caltagirone turned to the police to "convince this blockhead" to behave properly, La Sicilia, one of Sicily's leading newspapers, reported on Thursday.

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This proves you'never too old to be a momma's boy.
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32,000 quarters leak onto Wis. roads

MADISON, Wis. (AP) - Imagine the ringing noise of 32,000 quarters hitting the pavement.

An armored car company reported losing $8,000 in quarters along highways in two Wisconsin counties last month. About half has been returned.

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Imagine a road paved in quarters...

[TexasStooge]

Interesting news about the office workaholics

BERLIN (Reuters) - German workaholics may be suffering from a lack of sex, according to a university study published Friday.

A survey of 32,000 men and women by researchers at the University of Goettingen found over 35 percent of those reporting unsatisfying sex lives tended to use hard work as a diversion.

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AWW, too bad!
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Bad Thai cops to endure Kitty shame

BANGKOK, Thailand (AP) - Thai police officers who break rules will be forced to wear hot pink armbands featuring "Hello Kitty," the Japanese icon of cute, as a mark of shame, a senior officer said Monday.

Police officers caught littering, parking in a prohibited area, or arriving late — among other misdemeanors — will be forced to stay in the division office and wear the armband all day, said Police Col. Pongpat Chayaphan. The officers won't wear the armband in public.

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I wonder what's on the armband...
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I don't care if I'm richest in world...

By Chris Aspin

MEXICO CITY (Reuters) - Mexican telecom tycoon Carlos Slim, who is estimated by some calculations to be wealthier than Microsoft founder Bill Gates, said Thursday he did not care if he was the world's richest person.

"It's water off a duck's back to me," the cigar-smoking Slim told foreign correspondents. "I don't know if I'm No. 1, No. 20, or No. 2,000. It doesn't matter."

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Well, give us some of that money if you don't care.
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S.C. teen falls 6 stories, walks away

MYRTLE BEACH, S.C. (AP) - A teenager fell six stories from a hotel balcony but walked away with just bruises and scrapes.

Matthew Savage, 17, was reaching up to a balcony one floor above to grab a bathing suit that had fluttered down from the 11th floor when he tumbled over the railing Friday.

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Good golly!! Not everyone can survive falling 6 stories and live to tell the tale.
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On-air bottom pincher gets police warning

LONDON (Reuters) - A British man who pinched the bottom of a television presenter live on air has been cautioned, police said on Thursday.

Sue Turton, who described the incident as "humiliating" and a "public goosing," was reporting on floods in Oxford last week on Channel 4 when a shaggy-haired Rufus Burdett strolled past and pinched her.

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I wanna see his ratings hit a big Goose-egg.

[TexasStooge]

No more crispy duck served at toilets

BEIJING (Reuters) - Food stalls attached to Beijing's public toilets will be removed in good time for next year's Olympics, state media said Saturday.

Complaints over toilets with poor sanitation and toilet operators turning them into commercial operations led to the ban, which comes into force in October.

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I don't blame them.
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Architect wants dead man's papers pulled

UNIONTOWN, Pa. (AP) - A Fayette County architect is asking the state Supreme Court to revoke the license of another architect who died in May.

Mark Altman is asking the high court to hear his case against Michael Molnar, who died at age 77. Altman accused Molnar of misrepresenting his college career in Hungary when he applied for his state architectural license in 1960.

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What's the point of suing a dead man?
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German has pencil in head removed after 55 years

BERLIN (Reuters) - A 59-year-old German woman has had most of a pencil removed from inside her head after suffering nearly her whole life with the headaches and nosebleeds it caused, Bild newspaper reported on Monday.

Margret Wegner fell over carrying the pencil in her hand when she was four.

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So, from now on, don't call her Pencil Head.
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German beer lovers rescued

BERLIN (AP) - Germany's national railway wasn't about to risk sending a trainload of soccer fans to a German Cup match without beer.

Federal police said Monday that the beer tap failed aboard a special train carrying Bayer Leverkusen fans to Hamburg on Saturday. The fault was discovered half an hour into the journey.

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Well, at leat they're not driving.

[TexasStooge]

Telekom model waits 3 months for phone line

BERLIN (Reuters) - A fashion model who features in a high-profile advertising campaign for Deutsche Telekom has threatened to seek another provider after waiting three months for the company to install a new phone line at her apartment.

The 27-year-old model, known as Dora, can be seen smiling brightly in posters across Germany for Telekom's new high speed connection service. But she told Bild newspaper Tuesday she was fed up with waiting for her Berlin home to be connected.

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What was taking them so long?
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Woman's ashes back after accidental sale

ELMIRA, N.Y. (AP) - A large ceramic turtle containing a woman's ashes has been recovered after it was accidentally sold for 50 cents at a rummage sale.

When Anita Lewis of Elmira sold the turtle Saturday to a woman with plans to use it as a cookie jar, she didn't know it held the ashes of her husband's late wife.

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That's why you should always check the items before selling.
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Giant Lego man found in Dutch sea

AMSTERDAM (Reuters) - A giant, smiling Lego man was fished out of the sea in the Dutch resort of Zandvoort on Tuesday.

Workers at a drinks stall rescued the 2.5-metre (8-foot) tall model with a yellow head and blue torso.

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He was sleeping with the fishies, huh?
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Man smuggles monkey into NYC airport

NEW YORK (AP) - A man smuggled a monkey onto an airplane Tuesday, stashing the furry fist-size primate under his hat until passengers spotted it perched on his ponytail, an airline official said.

The monkey escapade began in Lima, Peru, late Monday, when the man boarded a flight to Fort Lauderdale, Fla., said Spirit Airlines spokeswoman Alison Russell. After landing Tuesday morning, the man waited several hours before catching a connecting flight to LaGuardia Airport.

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What? My Gym Partner's A Monkey!

[TexasStooge]

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it's a baby.

WELLINGTON (Reuters) - A New Zealand couple is looking to call their newborn son Superman -- but only because their chosen name of 4Real has been rejected by the government registry.

Pat and Sheena Wheaton say they will get around the decision by the Registrar of Births, Deaths and Marriages by officially naming their son Superman but referring to him as 4Real, the New Zealand Herald newspaper has reported.

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Just name him "Clark Kent".
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Wis. cops capture diaper-wearing monkey

MADISON, Wis. (AP) - Authorities captured a diaper-wearing monkey who led them on a downtown search after biting a woman.

The 20-year-old woman reported being bitten on the thumb as she tried to pet the animal early Wednesday.

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Can't seem to walk away from the Monkey Business this month.
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Crocodile falls 12 floors in escape bid

MOSCOW (Reuters) - A crocodile survived a fall from the 12th floor of a Russian apartment block after making an escape bid through a window, emergency services said on Wednesday.

Diving out of the window has become a habit for the crocodile, called Khenar, with concerned neighbors saying it was the third time he had used that method to flee, Moskovsky Komsomolets daily reported.

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(As Steve Irwin) "CRIKEY!"
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'Redneck Games' a problem for police

By MATT SLAGLE, Associated Press Writer

DALLAS - More than a few athletes have been accused of doping over the years — but the competitors at the "Texas Redneck Games" might just be dopes.

These competitors forgo the shotput for the "Mattress Chuck" — in which two-man teams heave a mattress from the back of a pickup truck as far as they can. And if you aren't planning on heading to Beijing for the next Olympic Games, there's always the ugly "butt-crack contest."

By the time the latest Redneck Games ended Sunday, more than 54 arrests and citations had been issued on charges ranging from public intoxication to speeding, according to the Henderson County Sheriff's Department. Officials are considering charges against the organizer and landowners where the event was held.

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(As Jeff Foxworthy) "Greetings, y'all!"