Just so you folks know...I also apologized to Marva in an IM for what appeared to be a put down...but was actually a wish for her speedy return.
Ball is in Marva's court.
Advice for the Masses from Marva
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Suzi Q
Ok Marva masses, first of all, I really appreciate all of those who showed up at my door at 2:00 AM on mounted horseback to appeal for my return. The gunshots fired in the air were a nice touch, so were the "wanted" posters in my neighborhood.......What was even more of a treat were the mounds of "gifts" that were left in my front yard. I thought I told ya'll that the manure was for other people's yards, NOT MINE. Heavens, we'll go over that again later.
Secondly, there are no balls in my court. I don't even have a court and if I did I sure wouldn't want any balls in them. You know that Marva eschews any type of physical activity, particularly those involving balls of any type. I did receive a rather nice note from azskyman, noting that he was completely misguided and needed my help (who doesn't?). I also received one from my publisher stating she would cut off my salary if I didn't get back on here pronto....like I can't buy my own moon pines?
Thirdly, Marva doesn't really do valium....well I did for my daughter's wedding which looked like something out of my sister's magazine (EEK!)
Now on to more pertinent subjects.....
I OBVIOUSLY over-reacted to a certain post based on my allowing myself to become overwhelmed by my own problems, which, as any good advice maven knows, is ridiculous, since there are so many others that really need help. That being said, I will allow my readers a slight bit of insight on Marva. You see, Marva has rheumatoid arthritis. No biggie, it's not like cancer (although it is incurable) and from time to time Marva can get in some rather aggravating pain. At which point Marva has to call Dr. Schmuck (there will be a post on choosing a good doctor later) and practically beg for pain control meds or find some black market dealer on the internet that can get them to her pronto before she permanently amputates certain joints. The meds I had acquired from Mr. Black Market were NOT working and I finally had to resort to calling Dr. Schmuck yesterday who was more than happy to call in some REAL drugs (7 hours after I called him). No pity please, none needed. Surprisingly, my hands NEVER hurt which is good for my dear readers, as how would they survive without my advice? Although I'd gladly give up a hip or two for one of those nice plastic jobbies. Anyway, my apologies again if I sounded like"All of you can kiss my hip". Marva is back and will respond to those inquiries not answered by 10:00 am today, which should be about the time I finish cleaning those lovely "gifts" out of my front yard.
Merry Manure ya'll,
Marva
Secondly, there are no balls in my court. I don't even have a court and if I did I sure wouldn't want any balls in them. You know that Marva eschews any type of physical activity, particularly those involving balls of any type. I did receive a rather nice note from azskyman, noting that he was completely misguided and needed my help (who doesn't?). I also received one from my publisher stating she would cut off my salary if I didn't get back on here pronto....like I can't buy my own moon pines?
Thirdly, Marva doesn't really do valium....well I did for my daughter's wedding which looked like something out of my sister's magazine (EEK!)
Now on to more pertinent subjects.....
I OBVIOUSLY over-reacted to a certain post based on my allowing myself to become overwhelmed by my own problems, which, as any good advice maven knows, is ridiculous, since there are so many others that really need help. That being said, I will allow my readers a slight bit of insight on Marva. You see, Marva has rheumatoid arthritis. No biggie, it's not like cancer (although it is incurable) and from time to time Marva can get in some rather aggravating pain. At which point Marva has to call Dr. Schmuck (there will be a post on choosing a good doctor later) and practically beg for pain control meds or find some black market dealer on the internet that can get them to her pronto before she permanently amputates certain joints. The meds I had acquired from Mr. Black Market were NOT working and I finally had to resort to calling Dr. Schmuck yesterday who was more than happy to call in some REAL drugs (7 hours after I called him). No pity please, none needed. Surprisingly, my hands NEVER hurt which is good for my dear readers, as how would they survive without my advice? Although I'd gladly give up a hip or two for one of those nice plastic jobbies. Anyway, my apologies again if I sounded like"All of you can kiss my hip". Marva is back and will respond to those inquiries not answered by 10:00 am today, which should be about the time I finish cleaning those lovely "gifts" out of my front yard.
Merry Manure ya'll,
Marva
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Suzi Q
Dear Storm Crazy Iowan:
This whole cool whip issue must stop. You are simply in denial and need to face the facts that over 2000 empty coolwhip containers were found in your back shed and Marva shudders to think what you used all that cool whip for. What frightens me most is that you may have actually been watching my sister's TV show, where she shows all the lovely things she can make with those empty containers. You want the real truth? She uses them for party hats or stands on the street corner with them begging for money for her legal defense fund. Personally, I have switched to that Redi-Whip stuff that comes in the aerosol cans. It's great for covering up those gifts left in your yard by posses and makes a great substitute for silly string. Admit your addiction and move on. Oh, and don't buy the chocolate redi-whip stuff, it resembles, well you know.
This whole cool whip issue must stop. You are simply in denial and need to face the facts that over 2000 empty coolwhip containers were found in your back shed and Marva shudders to think what you used all that cool whip for. What frightens me most is that you may have actually been watching my sister's TV show, where she shows all the lovely things she can make with those empty containers. You want the real truth? She uses them for party hats or stands on the street corner with them begging for money for her legal defense fund. Personally, I have switched to that Redi-Whip stuff that comes in the aerosol cans. It's great for covering up those gifts left in your yard by posses and makes a great substitute for silly string. Admit your addiction and move on. Oh, and don't buy the chocolate redi-whip stuff, it resembles, well you know.
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Suzi Q
Dear Beer:
After lengthy conversations with my brother, I have come up with the following solution. If we are speaking of paper targets (those at the range, the recycling bin) it would seem you would want accuracy primarily, which would lead me to suggest the the 40. Of course, Marva is always happy if she is able to hit any target within a 10 mile range, so she usually prefers a rocket launcher or an AK47. That way you hit just about anything and with you men, isn't bigger always better? If you want to be really accurate at the range, why not just stick nice little holes in the target before you shoot, therefore looking like the marksman you really are. And Marva always recommends practice BEFORE heading to the range, so once again, aim at those neighbors lights and see how you do. As far as concealed weaponry is concerned, Marva feels any gun will do as long as it's small and really shiny. Something adorned with sequins would be especially festive this time of year and you could just say it's an accessory to your outfit! Remember "The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize".
Regards from the range,
Marva
After lengthy conversations with my brother, I have come up with the following solution. If we are speaking of paper targets (those at the range, the recycling bin) it would seem you would want accuracy primarily, which would lead me to suggest the the 40. Of course, Marva is always happy if she is able to hit any target within a 10 mile range, so she usually prefers a rocket launcher or an AK47. That way you hit just about anything and with you men, isn't bigger always better? If you want to be really accurate at the range, why not just stick nice little holes in the target before you shoot, therefore looking like the marksman you really are. And Marva always recommends practice BEFORE heading to the range, so once again, aim at those neighbors lights and see how you do. As far as concealed weaponry is concerned, Marva feels any gun will do as long as it's small and really shiny. Something adorned with sequins would be especially festive this time of year and you could just say it's an accessory to your outfit! Remember "The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize".
Regards from the range,
Marva
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Suzi Q
Dear Blizzard:
If we were to separate the real from the virtual, Martha would be my sister, virtually speaking. In my family, my mother is generally regarded as Martha Stewart with my daughter being known as Martha's granddaughter. To further illustrate, my mother has a different set of dishes for each month of the year along with decorations for each. She has actually had to rent one of those storage building places for all her stuff. She can quote you a seven course meal along with the recipes for each off the top of her head and knows exactly which spoon goes where on the table. She has NEVER been to a WalMart, Target or KMart. She use to be the head of Infection Control at Hermann Hospital here in Houston, if that explains anything. As far as my daughter is concerned, she has enough clothes in her closet to dress a small nation, and can fold linen napkins in those annoyingly little beautiful designs. All of her towels are perfectly color coordinated for each bathroom and heaven forbid you place one towel in the wrong bathroom. No identity crisis here, I think I was adopted and my daughter was some sort of alien implantation.
If we were to separate the real from the virtual, Martha would be my sister, virtually speaking. In my family, my mother is generally regarded as Martha Stewart with my daughter being known as Martha's granddaughter. To further illustrate, my mother has a different set of dishes for each month of the year along with decorations for each. She has actually had to rent one of those storage building places for all her stuff. She can quote you a seven course meal along with the recipes for each off the top of her head and knows exactly which spoon goes where on the table. She has NEVER been to a WalMart, Target or KMart. She use to be the head of Infection Control at Hermann Hospital here in Houston, if that explains anything. As far as my daughter is concerned, she has enough clothes in her closet to dress a small nation, and can fold linen napkins in those annoyingly little beautiful designs. All of her towels are perfectly color coordinated for each bathroom and heaven forbid you place one towel in the wrong bathroom. No identity crisis here, I think I was adopted and my daughter was some sort of alien implantation.
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Suzi Q
Dear Other HD,
KMart? KMart? Why would I ever shop at the store that made my sister rich and famous while leaving me writing advice columns for moon pies? And just for your information, ALL of the items my sister so shamelessly hawks on her TV ads are made by little crippled penguins in South America. Do you know how hard it is to do all that sewing when you only have flippers? They only get two ice breaks a day and even then, it's ice from one of those slurpee machines. And then there's my niece, her daughter....she has slept with so many men (including Martha's own ex) that she finds it hard to stand upright unless she's at Tiffany's or Fred's. And those lies about the insider stock information. The ONLY reason Martha slept with Sam Waksal was to get that information, netting her a little over 60 gazillion dollars, while I only made around 1100.00. So, no I don't shop at KMart and neither should any of my truly faithful readers. If you do, don't be surprised if a representative from the SEC shows up at your house unannounced. I'll make sue they do. The nerve of some people.
Modestly,
Marva
KMart? KMart? Why would I ever shop at the store that made my sister rich and famous while leaving me writing advice columns for moon pies? And just for your information, ALL of the items my sister so shamelessly hawks on her TV ads are made by little crippled penguins in South America. Do you know how hard it is to do all that sewing when you only have flippers? They only get two ice breaks a day and even then, it's ice from one of those slurpee machines. And then there's my niece, her daughter....she has slept with so many men (including Martha's own ex) that she finds it hard to stand upright unless she's at Tiffany's or Fred's. And those lies about the insider stock information. The ONLY reason Martha slept with Sam Waksal was to get that information, netting her a little over 60 gazillion dollars, while I only made around 1100.00. So, no I don't shop at KMart and neither should any of my truly faithful readers. If you do, don't be surprised if a representative from the SEC shows up at your house unannounced. I'll make sue they do. The nerve of some people.
Modestly,
Marva
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Suzi Q
Dear Ticka:
Chocolate is NOT your enemy, it's those voices in your head you need to worry about. I find at this time of year chocolate has so many uses and when one is truly in the holiday mood, chocolate is an integral part of many of our christmas rituals. For example:
It can get chilly during the christmas/winter season and what better way to protect your ears than two nice sized chocolate santas used as ear muffs. Leave the foil wrapping on the santas however and as you're out shopping and they begin to melt, you can simply lick the foil and enjoy, thereby giving you that needed sugar rush to complete your holiday shopping.
Everyone knows that we should all be getting some aerobic exercise each day. What better way to enhance your workout and improve your upper arm strength than by carrying a 10 pound box of Godiva in each hand as you are walking through the neighborhood? Plus you'll have the added bonus of all your neighbors thinking you're bringing THEM chocolate, which means they'll run out and buy you MORE chocolate.
Chocolate is a lovely way to bring a couple together for some quality time during the holidays when ANY free time seems to be virtually impossible. You know what I'm talking about here don't you? Chocolate dipped strawberries, chocolate french toast, chocolate ice cream....stay away from the chocolate body paint though....why waste perfectly good chocolate on a paintbrush?
Company calling saying they're on their way over and you're just NOT in the mood? Simple....get several bottles of imitation hershey's syrup and white bark chocolate and coat your driveway and sidewalk with it. As they turn off their engine, holler out the door apologizing profusely for the sewer backup problem. My bet is they won't even get out of their car......
Sick of all those pictures of snow covered trees at Christmas? Be creative and get in the snow mood by dusting your christmas tree with powdered nestle's quik. Not only will your tree smell great, when you start removing your ornaments after Christmas, you can just lick the branches and give yourself that extra needed fiber your doctor keeps telling you about.
So you see dear Ticka, chocolate is not to be feared but rather incorporated into one's everyday activities. Besides, if God wanted you to eat carrots, he would have made you a rabbit, not a human.
Godiva greetings and hershey hugs,
Marva
Chocolate is NOT your enemy, it's those voices in your head you need to worry about. I find at this time of year chocolate has so many uses and when one is truly in the holiday mood, chocolate is an integral part of many of our christmas rituals. For example:
It can get chilly during the christmas/winter season and what better way to protect your ears than two nice sized chocolate santas used as ear muffs. Leave the foil wrapping on the santas however and as you're out shopping and they begin to melt, you can simply lick the foil and enjoy, thereby giving you that needed sugar rush to complete your holiday shopping.
Everyone knows that we should all be getting some aerobic exercise each day. What better way to enhance your workout and improve your upper arm strength than by carrying a 10 pound box of Godiva in each hand as you are walking through the neighborhood? Plus you'll have the added bonus of all your neighbors thinking you're bringing THEM chocolate, which means they'll run out and buy you MORE chocolate.
Chocolate is a lovely way to bring a couple together for some quality time during the holidays when ANY free time seems to be virtually impossible. You know what I'm talking about here don't you? Chocolate dipped strawberries, chocolate french toast, chocolate ice cream....stay away from the chocolate body paint though....why waste perfectly good chocolate on a paintbrush?
Company calling saying they're on their way over and you're just NOT in the mood? Simple....get several bottles of imitation hershey's syrup and white bark chocolate and coat your driveway and sidewalk with it. As they turn off their engine, holler out the door apologizing profusely for the sewer backup problem. My bet is they won't even get out of their car......
Sick of all those pictures of snow covered trees at Christmas? Be creative and get in the snow mood by dusting your christmas tree with powdered nestle's quik. Not only will your tree smell great, when you start removing your ornaments after Christmas, you can just lick the branches and give yourself that extra needed fiber your doctor keeps telling you about.
So you see dear Ticka, chocolate is not to be feared but rather incorporated into one's everyday activities. Besides, if God wanted you to eat carrots, he would have made you a rabbit, not a human.
Godiva greetings and hershey hugs,
Marva
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StormCrazyIowan
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eb4480 wrote:Dear Storm Crazy Iowan:
This whole cool whip issue must stop. You are simply in denial and need to face the facts that over 2000 empty coolwhip containers were found in your back shed and Marva shudders to think what you used all that cool whip for. What frightens me most is that you may have actually been watching my sister's TV show, where she shows all the lovely things she can make with those empty containers. You want the real truth? She uses them for party hats or stands on the street corner with them begging for money for her legal defense fund. Personally, I have switched to that Redi-Whip stuff that comes in the aerosol cans. It's great for covering up those gifts left in your yard by posses and makes a great substitute for silly string. Admit your addiction and move on. Oh, and don't buy the chocolate redi-whip stuff, it resembles, well you know.
Marva!! How dare you search my shed!! Ok, I'll admit I was in on it, but I wasn't alone- I only had 1000 TOPS!! Gosh darn it, I knew I should have found a better hiding place!! Any tips on digging?
I would NEVER watch your sister's show...even if she filled every one of those cool whip containers with quarters!!
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Suzi Q
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Suzi Q
Marva just wants to remind the masses that invoices for the monthly marva advice will be mailed monday. Marva only accepts payment in moon pies, milky ways or chicken fried steak. Those 18 years or more behind on their marva payments may not have their marva questions answered and may be brutally hounded by the marva manure squad, who are loading up their 4 X 4's as I write this. Just a friendly reminder!
MARVA REIGNS SUPREME
MARVA REIGNS SUPREME
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Suzi Q
What would Marva like? What WOULDN'T Marva like? Geez, now that I have time to think about it:
1. One of those new automatic vacuum cleaners. You know, the ones that look like little spaceships that lost their way and that wander around your house aimlessly waiting for someone to drop something. I've been using goats for awhile now, but they've started eating the carpet instead of the trash on the floor, and it's starting to look tacky.
2. A dishwasher that actually washes the dishes, as opposed to rinsing them and laughing at me when I open the door when the light comes on stating they're clean.
3. A real skylight. Mr. Marva still can't pick a roof color and although I appreciate the natural light and flow-through ventilation, I think skylights are supposed to be enclosed in glass, not just a gaping hole where the sun comes through.
4. I'd like to know where Mr. Marva hid my diamond stud earrings that I KNOW he got me because I found the receipt he HID from me, thinking I WOULDN'T FIND IT, but I did, so where are they??????? I've already found my other presents, and I've run out of places to look.
5. George Clooney on toast. George Clooney on a bed of lettuce. George Clooney in my cookie jar.
6. A grandchild. I love my grandDOG, my grandCATS, mygrandSNAKES, but really there's something a little weird watching the snakes slither out to the truck to greet me and Mr. Marva then coiling themselves around our necks to give us a hug....they do so love to squeeze tight!
7. Snow. 'Nuff said.
8. On a serious note, a cure for RA.
So, there's my christmas wish list. And yes, I'll check the mailbox for the moonpies.
Meandering Merrily,
Marva
1. One of those new automatic vacuum cleaners. You know, the ones that look like little spaceships that lost their way and that wander around your house aimlessly waiting for someone to drop something. I've been using goats for awhile now, but they've started eating the carpet instead of the trash on the floor, and it's starting to look tacky.
2. A dishwasher that actually washes the dishes, as opposed to rinsing them and laughing at me when I open the door when the light comes on stating they're clean.
3. A real skylight. Mr. Marva still can't pick a roof color and although I appreciate the natural light and flow-through ventilation, I think skylights are supposed to be enclosed in glass, not just a gaping hole where the sun comes through.
4. I'd like to know where Mr. Marva hid my diamond stud earrings that I KNOW he got me because I found the receipt he HID from me, thinking I WOULDN'T FIND IT, but I did, so where are they??????? I've already found my other presents, and I've run out of places to look.
5. George Clooney on toast. George Clooney on a bed of lettuce. George Clooney in my cookie jar.
6. A grandchild. I love my grandDOG, my grandCATS, mygrandSNAKES, but really there's something a little weird watching the snakes slither out to the truck to greet me and Mr. Marva then coiling themselves around our necks to give us a hug....they do so love to squeeze tight!
7. Snow. 'Nuff said.
8. On a serious note, a cure for RA.
So, there's my christmas wish list. And yes, I'll check the mailbox for the moonpies.
Meandering Merrily,
Marva
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Suzi Q
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