Funny 911 Calls (warning: long posts)
Posted: Mon Feb 10, 2003 2:47 pm
I figured we could all use some enlightenment in light of the way that this world is headed these days, so here you go. 
An Everyday Occurrence
Dispatcher: Emergency.
Man: Oh, I'm sorry, I thought I dialed Information.
Dispatcher: No, sir. That would be 411.
This Earthquake Has Been Scheduled For Your Convenience
During the Loma Prieta earthquake of October 17, 1989; a male called the communications center time and time again asking the same question: "When will the next aftershock hit?" The caller was told repeatedly not to tie up the emergency lne with questions that couldn't possibly be answered. He became more and more impatient with each call of "When will the next aftershock be?" until finally one fed-up dispatcher responded, "We've scheduled one for about five minutes from now, hang on!"
The TV's Okay - But You're Busted
Man: Yeah, hi, is this 911?
Dispatcher: Yes, it is.
Man: Yeah, listen now. If someone comes into my house, uh my fiancee, and takes my TV and sells it while I go out to get some rolled tacos, now, can you get her busted for that?
Dispatcher: What city are you talking about, sir?
Man: She took my TV and sold it out of my house.
Dispatcker: Okay, let me get you the police department.
Actual 911 Report
"I left my car in a ditch and I'm now at home. Can I get an officer to stop by my car and grab the presents I left in it and bring them to me?"
Repeat Offender
It was a mystery that even the ingenious Ms. Marple couldn't figure out. Why was someone repeatedly dialing 911 without speaking to the dispatcher? It could possibly be a silent cry for help - someone who was unable to speak. When Boynton Beach, Florida police rushed to the apartment of Barbara Marple, they solved the riddle for the recurring rings. Barbara, a 23-yearold supermarket employee, denied making the calls. After some deductive reasoning, the detectives quickly surmised who the culprit was. It wasn't Ms. Marple and it wasn't the butler (there wasn't one this time). It was Kitten! Not a bleach-blond bimbo, but a calico cat named Kitten. Police discovered the cat in the bedroom with its paw on the redial button. But the phone wasn't programmed to dial 911. The cat had pawed out 9, then a 1, then another 1 - then continued hitting the redial button. The kitty culprit was collared and later cuddled by Ms. Marple, whose only explanation of the cat's activity was "She was probably trying to call my mother in New Jersey." Hmm, a likely story.
Deductive Reasoning
Little Girl: Yeah, I need some help.
Dispatcher: What's the matter?
Little Girl: With my math.
Dispatcher: With your mouth?
Little Girl: No, with my math. I have to do it. Will you help me?
Dispatcher: Sure, where do you live?
Little Girl: No, with my math.
Dispatcher: Yeah, I know it. Where do you live, though?
Little Girl: No, I want you to talk with me on the phone.
Dispatcher: No, I can't do that. I can send someone out to help you.
Little Girl: Okay. Um.
Dispatcher: What kind of math do you have that you need help with?
Little Girl: I have, I have take-aways.
Dispatcher: Oh, you gotta do the take-aways?
Little Girl: Yeah.
Dispatcher: All right, what's the problem?
Little Girl: Um? You have to help me with my math.
Dispatcher: Okay, tell me what the math is.
Little Girl: Okay, sixteen...
Dispatcher: Yeah?
Little Girl: ...take away eight.
Dispatcher: Uh-huh.
Little Girl: Is what?
Dispatcher: You tell me. How much do you think it is?
Little Girl: I don't know, one?
Dispatcher: No. How old are you?
Little Girl: I'm only four.
Dispatcher: Four?!
Little Girl: Yeah.
Dispatcher: Yeah. What's another problem? That was a tough one.
Little Girl: Um. Oh, here's one. Five take away five.
Dispatcher: Five take away five. And how much do you think that is?
Little Girl: Five?
Mother: Charleen, what are you doing?
Little Girl: This policeman is helping me with my math.
Mother: What did I tell you about playing on the phone?
Dispatcher: *to someone* It's probably her mother.
Little Girl: You said when I need help to cll somebody.
Mother: I didn't mean the police!
An Everyday Occurrence
Dispatcher: Emergency.
Man: Oh, I'm sorry, I thought I dialed Information.
Dispatcher: No, sir. That would be 411.
This Earthquake Has Been Scheduled For Your Convenience
During the Loma Prieta earthquake of October 17, 1989; a male called the communications center time and time again asking the same question: "When will the next aftershock hit?" The caller was told repeatedly not to tie up the emergency lne with questions that couldn't possibly be answered. He became more and more impatient with each call of "When will the next aftershock be?" until finally one fed-up dispatcher responded, "We've scheduled one for about five minutes from now, hang on!"
The TV's Okay - But You're Busted
Man: Yeah, hi, is this 911?
Dispatcher: Yes, it is.
Man: Yeah, listen now. If someone comes into my house, uh my fiancee, and takes my TV and sells it while I go out to get some rolled tacos, now, can you get her busted for that?
Dispatcher: What city are you talking about, sir?
Man: She took my TV and sold it out of my house.
Dispatcker: Okay, let me get you the police department.
Actual 911 Report
"I left my car in a ditch and I'm now at home. Can I get an officer to stop by my car and grab the presents I left in it and bring them to me?"
Repeat Offender
It was a mystery that even the ingenious Ms. Marple couldn't figure out. Why was someone repeatedly dialing 911 without speaking to the dispatcher? It could possibly be a silent cry for help - someone who was unable to speak. When Boynton Beach, Florida police rushed to the apartment of Barbara Marple, they solved the riddle for the recurring rings. Barbara, a 23-yearold supermarket employee, denied making the calls. After some deductive reasoning, the detectives quickly surmised who the culprit was. It wasn't Ms. Marple and it wasn't the butler (there wasn't one this time). It was Kitten! Not a bleach-blond bimbo, but a calico cat named Kitten. Police discovered the cat in the bedroom with its paw on the redial button. But the phone wasn't programmed to dial 911. The cat had pawed out 9, then a 1, then another 1 - then continued hitting the redial button. The kitty culprit was collared and later cuddled by Ms. Marple, whose only explanation of the cat's activity was "She was probably trying to call my mother in New Jersey." Hmm, a likely story.
Deductive Reasoning
Little Girl: Yeah, I need some help.
Dispatcher: What's the matter?
Little Girl: With my math.
Dispatcher: With your mouth?
Little Girl: No, with my math. I have to do it. Will you help me?
Dispatcher: Sure, where do you live?
Little Girl: No, with my math.
Dispatcher: Yeah, I know it. Where do you live, though?
Little Girl: No, I want you to talk with me on the phone.
Dispatcher: No, I can't do that. I can send someone out to help you.
Little Girl: Okay. Um.
Dispatcher: What kind of math do you have that you need help with?
Little Girl: I have, I have take-aways.
Dispatcher: Oh, you gotta do the take-aways?
Little Girl: Yeah.
Dispatcher: All right, what's the problem?
Little Girl: Um? You have to help me with my math.
Dispatcher: Okay, tell me what the math is.
Little Girl: Okay, sixteen...
Dispatcher: Yeah?
Little Girl: ...take away eight.
Dispatcher: Uh-huh.
Little Girl: Is what?
Dispatcher: You tell me. How much do you think it is?
Little Girl: I don't know, one?
Dispatcher: No. How old are you?
Little Girl: I'm only four.
Dispatcher: Four?!
Little Girl: Yeah.
Dispatcher: Yeah. What's another problem? That was a tough one.
Little Girl: Um. Oh, here's one. Five take away five.
Dispatcher: Five take away five. And how much do you think that is?
Little Girl: Five?
Mother: Charleen, what are you doing?
Little Girl: This policeman is helping me with my math.
Mother: What did I tell you about playing on the phone?
Dispatcher: *to someone* It's probably her mother.
Little Girl: You said when I need help to cll somebody.
Mother: I didn't mean the police!
