Merry Christmas from the South
Posted: Wed Dec 17, 2003 4:41 pm
>
>
> FROM THE DESK 0F SANTA CLAUS,
>
> I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will
> no longer serve the states
> of Georgia, Florida, Virginia, North and South Carolina,
> Tennessee, Alabama,
> Mississippi, Texas, and Arkansas on Christmas Eve.
>
> Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my
> contract was renegotiated
> by North American Fairies and Elves, Local 209. As part of
> the new and better
> contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so
> keep that in mind.
>
> However, I'm certain that your children will be in good
> hands with your local
> replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Joe
> Claus. His side of the
> family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of
> delivering toys to all the good
> boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between
> us:
>
> 1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents
> from Bubba Joe Claus
> because he has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker
> that reads, "These
> toys insured by Smith and Wesson".
>
> 2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Joe Claus prefers that
> children leave an RC
> Cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And
> Bubba Joe Claus doesn't
> smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have
> an empty spit can handy.
>
>
> 3. Bubba Joe Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin'
> coon dogs instead of
> reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my
> reindeer one time, and
> Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba Joe Claus' fireplace.
>
> 4. You won't hear, "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and
> Blitzen" when Bubba Joe
> Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt,
> Andretti, on Elliott and
> Petty "
>
> 5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" You also
> are likely
> to hear Bubba Joe Claus' elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
>
> 6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Joe Claus'
> sleigh does have a Yosemite
> Sam safety triangle on the back with the words, "Back Off".
>
> 7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on
> 34th Street" and
> "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated
> viewing area.
> Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and " Smokey
> and the
> Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Joe Claus and
> dozens of state patrol
> cars crashing into each other.
>
> Sincerely yours,
> Santa Claus
>
>
> FROM THE DESK 0F SANTA CLAUS,
>
> I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will
> no longer serve the states
> of Georgia, Florida, Virginia, North and South Carolina,
> Tennessee, Alabama,
> Mississippi, Texas, and Arkansas on Christmas Eve.
>
> Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my
> contract was renegotiated
> by North American Fairies and Elves, Local 209. As part of
> the new and better
> contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so
> keep that in mind.
>
> However, I'm certain that your children will be in good
> hands with your local
> replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Joe
> Claus. His side of the
> family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of
> delivering toys to all the good
> boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between
> us:
>
> 1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents
> from Bubba Joe Claus
> because he has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker
> that reads, "These
> toys insured by Smith and Wesson".
>
> 2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Joe Claus prefers that
> children leave an RC
> Cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And
> Bubba Joe Claus doesn't
> smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have
> an empty spit can handy.
>
>
> 3. Bubba Joe Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin'
> coon dogs instead of
> reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my
> reindeer one time, and
> Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba Joe Claus' fireplace.
>
> 4. You won't hear, "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and
> Blitzen" when Bubba Joe
> Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt,
> Andretti, on Elliott and
> Petty "
>
> 5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" You also
> are likely
> to hear Bubba Joe Claus' elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
>
> 6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Joe Claus'
> sleigh does have a Yosemite
> Sam safety triangle on the back with the words, "Back Off".
>
> 7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on
> 34th Street" and
> "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated
> viewing area.
> Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and " Smokey
> and the
> Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Joe Claus and
> dozens of state patrol
> cars crashing into each other.
>
> Sincerely yours,
> Santa Claus
>
