One year ago today...

[weatherlover427]

...my father passed away peacefully, in his sleep, due to a sudden heart attack at his home in the Dr. Phillips neighborhood of Orlando, FL. They have since relocated; but the past year has brought me through a heck of a lot of changes, trauma, and strengthening. I am very nervous and shaky right now, fearing that something bad might happen again. It has been a rough past week. I have been having a lot of trouble falling asleep, and I have also been sleeping a lot more than usual. Other than that I have pretty much been OK.

It was just so sudden, I mean I talked to him less than an hour before he died (5:45 pm PST) and he died at 6:30 pm PST... I guess what happened is that he was tired so he went to bed early; and he rolled over in his sleep and fell off the bed; but by the time he did that he was already gone. At least I got to say my final good bye. And at least I got to see him at Christmas of 2002.

To this day, I fail to understand why this event happened. I know that God does things for a reason; but this one I have yet to really comprehend. Maybe I never will fully understand why God took my dad and called him home so early in his life (one month after his 47th birthday). Maybe I will. I just don't know yet.

Another thing that is still troubling me is that I was a very bad son to him when I still lived at home. That's why I'm in the program that I'm in now. I wonder if; had I not done any of the crap that I did when I was younger; could he still be alive today? :-? Could he have had less stress on his heart and not died with an undetected heart condition with everything leading up to it (i.e. the crap that I pulled)? These questions cannot be answered now, as the time to answer them has come and gone.

Many questions remain to be answered to this day. Some I hope to get answers to. I am sure I will reunite with him in Heaven one of these days. I will have my time to be called home and meet up with my dad once again, who I know is watching over me right now. Thanks for listening. Have a great evening, and thank you all very much from the bottom of my heart for your support over the past year. It means the world to me.

[Guest]

Just keep that chin up, Josh! God is with you!

[wx247]

Joshua...do not blame yourself for what happened to your father. I am sure that wasn't it.

I know life sometimes seems cruel and heartless, but you seem to have faith which is so important. I imagine it would be natural to have these feelings so close to this time. But with time hopefully you will be able to look back and cherish the good times you had with him.

Garrett

[azskyman]

Hey Josh...it is NOT your fault. None of it is your fault. In fact, when I read your posts on Storm2k I know he would be proud of you.

My mom died when she was 56. We didn't get to say goodbye. Worse yet, she was mad at me.

For many years I was angry that it had to be that way...that I couldn't change it. But as time went by, I realized I could not go back and change a thing...but I could change how I handled life...and who I was...from that day forward.

You can do the same. Continue to work on being the best Josh you can. That will do honor to your father's memory. And you will, you really will, find a way to be at peace with his loss. Not today, I'm sure. But some day, and as time goes on.

I'm a father. Not yours. But the father of two sons myself. I know good when I see it. And Josh, you have plenty of it in there...just waiting to come out and share it with others in your life.

My prayer for you on this day, the anniversary of a dark day, is that you find peace and be introduced to new paths in your life that will make you smile and bring you happiness.

[timNms]

Joshua, don't blame yourself for what happened to your dad. God has a reason for taking him at such a young age.
My dad was 58 when he was diagnosed with bone cancer (1988). He died the following summer at age 59. That man suffered so much pain! I questioned God for a long time after he died. I even blamed myself for his death. You see, he was a carpenter and I used to have to work with him and I hated every minute of it. I used to think "i wish he'd get sick or something so I wouldn't ahve to work with him"...Well, he did get sick and then he died. I just knew it was my fault.
For a long time I carried that guilt until one day a friend of ours from church stood up and gave her testimony. My heart stopped when she said that she and some of the ladies from church visited my dad in the hospital a few days before he died. She said he never complained about his pain, but was constantly telling her how good God had been to him. She went on to say that because of my dad, she came to know the Lord. So now I know why my dad had to suffer and die. His life made a difference in the life of another person. I say that my pain and loss was worth it!
Keep you chin up! I know that God had a reason for taking your dad and I don't think it was because of the way you may have treated him in the past.
Hey, let me know if I can help you in any way!

Tim

[Miss Mary]

Oh Joshua - I wish I could just give you a tight hug. I know this is the hardest thing you've ever had to come to terms with. If it's any help, the first year after losing a parent suddenly (I lost my dad within 5 weeks to cancer 15 years ago) is the hardest. In fact the first 5 are and the pain never really goes away. It does ease but that's take time. Lots of time. I know I'll always miss my dad. That's just the way it is. I feel him with me a lot.

When you get sad, think of all the happy times you had with your dad. Look at pictures, even sit down and handwrite a heartfelt letter to your dad. Or type one on the computer. I've heard that helps. I talked to my dad a lot in the those 5 years. I'd just look up to Heaven, say I miss you Dad and start to cry. And hug my baby, a year old then. Whatever works for you, even just pouring your heart out there, is what I'd recommend.

Hugs.

Mary

[weatherlover427]

You all are awesome! Thank you so very much for the support and friendship! It means the world to me!

[JCT777]

Josh - you are in my thoughts and prayers. The anniversary of a loved one's death is always difficult.

[Rainband]

Joshua..You are right. Everything happens for a reason. Make no mistake..you had nothing to do with your fathers passing. The best thing you can do is keep your father alive in your heart and memories..You two will meet again someday but until then..... Have faith and know that he is watching you from above and is always with you. God Bless Bud. May God grant you peace

[Lindaloo]

Josh, please do not blame yourself for your Father's death. The "What if's" will only drive you insane. There never will be those "What if's" in death. Your Dad knew you loved him because you are his son. I do not think he would want you to blame yourself. IMO, all things happen for a reason. Remember all the good times you had with your Father growing up.

[weatherlover427]

Josh, please do not blame yourself for your Father's death. The "What if's" will only drive you insane. There never will be those "What if's" in death. Your Dad knew you loved him because you are his son. I do not think he would want you to blame yourself. IMO, all things happen for a reason. Remember all the good times you had with your Father growing up.

You know, now that I think about it, you are right. I should think more about all the positive stuff that went on and less about all the bad, negative stuff. All that will do is wear me down and make me grumpy and sad. I don't need or want that.

Joshua..You are right. Everything happens for a reason. Make no mistake..you had nothing to do with your fathers passing. The best thing you can do is keep your father alive in your heart and memories..You two will meet again someday but until then..... Have faith and know that he is watching you from above and is always with you. God Bless Bud. May God grant you peace

Thanks for the kind words Johnathan. You always know what to say at the right time. I know we will meet again when I pass on, and I also should realize that I wasn't the one who ultimately caused my dad to die.

Josh - you are in my thoughts and prayers. The anniversary of a loved one's death is always difficult.

Thank you too for your kind words John. It has been a rough past year; but I am sure that the next year will be even better.

[Rainband]

Josh, please do not blame yourself for your Father's death. The "What if's" will only drive you insane. There never will be those "What if's" in death. Your Dad knew you loved him because you are his son. I do not think he would want you to blame yourself. IMO, all things happen for a reason. Remember all the good times you had with your Father growing up.

You know, now that I think about it, you are right. I should think more about all the positive stuff that went on and less about all the bad, negative stuff. All that will do is wear me down and make me grumpy and sad. I don't need or want that.

Joshua..You are right. Everything happens for a reason. Make no mistake..you had nothing to do with your fathers passing. The best thing you can do is keep your father alive in your heart and memories..You two will meet again someday but until then..... Have faith and know that he is watching you from above and is always with you. God Bless Bud. May God grant you peace

Thanks for the kind words Johnathan. You always know what to say at the right time. I know we will meet again when I pass on, and I also should realize that I wasn't the one who ultimately caused my dad to die.

Josh - you are in my thoughts and prayers. The anniversary of a loved one's death is always difficult.

Thank you too for your kind words John. It has been a rough past year; but I am sure that the next year will be even better.

I am Glad we could all help. Your Storm2k family is always here when you need us God Bless bud

[Lindaloo]

I am so glad we could help you Josh. We are always here for you.