Great Quotes
Posted: Mon Jan 10, 2005 10:38 am
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest
woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited
by her sister . . . and now wish to withdraw that statement. ~Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good
beginning and a good ending; and to have the
two as close together as possible. ~George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea ... Visit people only
once a year. ~Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may
die of a misprint. ~Mark Twain
What would men be without women?
Scarce, sir .. mighty scarce. ~Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll
become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become
a philosopher. ~Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked
for a jury. ~Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every
now and then she stops to breathe. ~Jimmy Durante
The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with
firmness and kindness, can be tr ained to do most
things. ~Jilly Cooper
I have never hated a man enough to give his
diamonds back. ~Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single cup all four
essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. ~Alex Levine
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.
The world owes you nothing. It was here first. ~Mark Twain
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery,
people would stop dying. ~Ed Furgol
Money can't buy you happiness . but it does bring
you a more pleasant form of misery. ~Spike Milligan
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy
you money. ~Henny Youngman
I am opposed to millionaires........but it would be
dangerous to offer me the position. ~Mark Twain
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was
'shut up'. ~Joe Namath
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little
later in life. ~Herbert Henry Asquith
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. ~Bob Hope
A woman drove me to drink ... and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her. ~W.C. Fields
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. ~W.C. Fields
It takes only one drink to get me drunk.....the
trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth. ~George Burns
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it
had to work its way through Congress. ~Will Rogers
Don't worry about avoiding temptation ... As you grow older it avoids you. ~Winston Churchill
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or to spread out. ~Phyllis Diller
The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good ... spit it out. ~Unknown
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step,
he's too old to go anywhere. ~Billy Crystal
woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited
by her sister . . . and now wish to withdraw that statement. ~Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good
beginning and a good ending; and to have the
two as close together as possible. ~George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea ... Visit people only
once a year. ~Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may
die of a misprint. ~Mark Twain
What would men be without women?
Scarce, sir .. mighty scarce. ~Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll
become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become
a philosopher. ~Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked
for a jury. ~Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every
now and then she stops to breathe. ~Jimmy Durante
The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with
firmness and kindness, can be tr ained to do most
things. ~Jilly Cooper
I have never hated a man enough to give his
diamonds back. ~Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single cup all four
essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. ~Alex Levine
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.
The world owes you nothing. It was here first. ~Mark Twain
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery,
people would stop dying. ~Ed Furgol
Money can't buy you happiness . but it does bring
you a more pleasant form of misery. ~Spike Milligan
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy
you money. ~Henny Youngman
I am opposed to millionaires........but it would be
dangerous to offer me the position. ~Mark Twain
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was
'shut up'. ~Joe Namath
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little
later in life. ~Herbert Henry Asquith
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. ~Bob Hope
A woman drove me to drink ... and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her. ~W.C. Fields
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. ~W.C. Fields
It takes only one drink to get me drunk.....the
trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth. ~George Burns
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it
had to work its way through Congress. ~Will Rogers
Don't worry about avoiding temptation ... As you grow older it avoids you. ~Winston Churchill
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or to spread out. ~Phyllis Diller
The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good ... spit it out. ~Unknown
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step,
he's too old to go anywhere. ~Billy Crystal
