STORM2K

This picks up where the old "GROAN" thread left off.
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Tiger Woods' Mercedes

On a golf tour in Newfoundland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes Benz into a gas station in a remote part of the island.

The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Newfoundland manner, completely unaware of who he is.

"Mornin' bye" says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.

As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are dey den, son?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees" replies Tiger.

"Well, what on de good earth are dey for?" inquires the Newfie.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving" says Tiger.

"Dem boys at Mercedes tink of everythin?, says the Newfie.

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? (scroll down)
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Get off the children's Merry-Go-Round, you're drunk again.

lol

A new missionary recruit went to Venezuela for the first time. He was struggling with the language and didn't understand a whole lot of what was going on. Intending to visit one of the local churches, he got lost, but eventually got back on track and found the place. Having arrived late, the church was already packed. The only pew left was the one on the front row.

So as not to make a fool of himself, he decided to pick someone out of the crowd to imitate. He chose to follow the man sitting next to him on the front pew. As they sang, the man clapped his hands, so the missionary recruit clapped too. When the man stood up to pray, the missionary recruit stood up too. When the man sat down, he sat down. When the man held the cup and bread for the Lord's Supper, he held the cup and bread. During the preaching, the recruit didn't understand a thing. He just sat there and tried to look just like that man in the front pew.

Then he perceived that the preacher was giving announcements. People clapped, so he looked to see if the man was clapping. He was, and so the recruit clapped too. Then the preacher said some words that he didn't understand and he saw the man next to him stand up. So he stood up too. Suddenly a hush fell over the entire congregation. A few people gasped. He looked around and saw that nobody else was standing. So he sat down.

After the service ended, the preacher stood at the door shaking the hands of those who were leaving. When the missionary recruit stretched out his hand to greet the preacher, the preacher said, in English: "I take it you don't speak Spanish."

The missionary recruit replied: "No I don't. It's that obvious?"

"Well yes," said the preacher, "I announced that the Acosta family had a newborn baby boy and would the proud father please stand up."

An old man who'd lived all his life back up in the hills came to visit a childhood friend. Now he'd never laid eyes on a train or the iron rails on which they run.

Standing in the middle of the tracks one day, he heard a distant whistle... WOOOO--ooo---OOOOO! but didn't have a clue as to what it meant or his impending danger.

Predictably, the old boy is hit -- fortunately it's just a side swipe, and he's thrown, head over heels off the tracks, gets off with minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.

After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at a friend's place for dinner one evening. Standing in the kitchen, he hears the rising whistle of the family tea kettle wooOOO....

Springing into action, he grabs a rolling pin and mercilessly bashes and smashes the once merry kettle into a useless, shapeless hunk of copper.

His friend, hearing the fuss, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks his friend, "Why'd you wreck our lovely tea kettle?"

The mountain man replies: "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."

TexasStooge wrote:Get off the children's Merry-Go-Round, you're drunk again.

Stooge, where do you find these things? They're hilarious!!!!

Some friends of mine send me those via e-mail.

Emily Sue was having a heart attack and her blonde friend called 911. The 911 operator told her friend that she would send someone out right away.

"Where do you live?" asked the operator.

The blonde replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"

There was a long pause and finally the blonde said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

How do you know when a movie is really awful?

When you're watching it on an airplane and still get up to walk out.

Having her hair done at a West Hempstead, NY, beauty parlor, a woman told a cautionary tale about racial prejudice. The story deserves a wider audience.

On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, the woman related, she won a bucketful of quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she would stash the quarters in her room. I'll be right back and we'll go to eat," she told her husband and she carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator. As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard. Both were black. One of them was big... Very big... An intimidating figure.

The woman froze. Her first thought was: These two are going to rob me.

Her next thought was: Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen, even if one of them is awfully black. But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her.

She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious, flustered, ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind but knew they surely did; her hesitation about joining them on the elevator was all too obvious. Her face burned. She couldn't just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward and followed with the other foot and was on the elevator. Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed. A second passed, and then another second, and then another. The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. My God, she thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed!

Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore. Then one of the men said, "Hit the floor."

Instinct told her: Do what they tell you. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator carpet.

A shower of coins rained down on her. Take my money and spare me, she prayed. More seconds passed. She heard one of the men say politely, "Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll push the button." The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh. She lifted her head and looked up at the two men.

They reached down to help her up. Confused, she struggled to her feet.

"When I told my man here to hit the floor," one of the men, the average sized one, told her, "I meant that he should hit the elevator button for our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am. He spoke genially.

He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing.

She thought: My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself. She was too humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt out an apology, but words failed her. How do you apologize to two perfectly respectable gentlemen for behaving as though they were robbing you? She didn't know. The 3 of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket. When the elevator arrived at her floor they insisted on walking her to her room.

She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor. At her door they bid her good evening. As she slipped into her room she could hear them laughing while they walked back to the elevator.

The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her husband.

The next morning flowers were delivered to her room ~ a dozen roses. Attached to each rose was a crisp one hundred dollar bill. A card said: "Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years." It was signed,

Eddie Murphy and Bodyguard.

A man walked into a store and saw a blonde staring at a orange juice carton. When he went to pay for his goods he was laughing hystericly.

The store clerk asked, "What is so funny?"

The man simply replied, " I just realized that blonde over there is staring at the orange juice carton because it says CONCENTRATE!!"

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Jim and his wife listened to the instructor declare: "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the men: "For instance, gentlemen, can you name your wife's favorite flower?"

Jim leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"

The rest of the story is not pleasant.

At the end of their first date, a guy takes the girl home. Emboldened by the night, the guy decides to try for the first kiss. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, "Darling, how 'bout a good night kiss?"

Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

Him: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"

Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"

Him: "Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"

Her: "No way. It's too risky!"

Him: "Oh please, please, I like you so much!"

Her: "No, no and no. I like you too, but I just can't!"

Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?"

Her: "No, no. I just can't."

Him: "I beg you...."

Suddenly, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down and do it. But for crying out loud, tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!"

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

After buying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable". The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, "comfortable?'"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it slow. - - - -
("com-for-da-bul" )
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A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children fell to discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."

A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

Sister Mary Margaret, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned.

Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient.

Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two men watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local br0thels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered.

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.

His search continued until finally he reached a br0thel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the union man said. He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next."

One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one. The man asks, ''How much is the yellow one?''

The assistant says, ''$2000.'' The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive. The assistant explains, ''This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast.''

''What about the green one?'' the man asks.

The assistant says, ''He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes.''

''What about the red one?'' the man asks.

The assistant says, ''That one's $10,000.''

The man says, ''What does HE do?''

The assistant says, ''I don't know, but the other two call him boss.''
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One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: "Drinks for all on me including you, bartender." So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: "That will be $36.50 please." The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender. "What, no drink for me?" replies the bartender. "Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."

More and more doctors are running their practices like an assembly lines. One fella walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.

He said, "Shingles."

So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had.

He said, "Shingles."

So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room. A half-hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had.

He said, "Shingles."

So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had.

He said, "Shingles."

The doctor said, "Where?"

He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists: two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her."

The first man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent replies, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent replies, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!"

Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!"

"Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!", says another, flicking his tail.

At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!"

The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."