How to Sing the Blues
Posted: Mon Aug 07, 2006 8:36 pm
How to Sing the Blues
If you are new to Blues music, or like it but never really understood
the why and wherefores, here are some very fundamental rules:
1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning..."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you
stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the
meanest face in town."
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it.
Then find something that rhymes - sort of: "Got a good woman with
the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weigh 500 pound."
4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a
ditch...ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars:
Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in
Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a
Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored
motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the
Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues.
They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood"
means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in
Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or anywhere
in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is just clinical
depression. Chicago, St. Louis, Kansas City, Memphis, and Nawlins are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in any place that don't get rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were
skiing is not the Blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.
9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass
11. Bad places for the Blues
a. Nordstrom's
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses
12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you
happen to be an old person, and you slept in it.
13.Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:
a. you're older than dirt
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied
No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have a 401K or trust fund
14. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck.
Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could have. Ugly white
people also got a leg up on the Blues.
15. If you ask for water and your darlin' gives you gasoline, it's the
Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are
a. cheap wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. black coffee
The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast
16. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues
death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to
die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a
broken-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis
match or while getting liposuction.
17. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d.FatRiverDumpling
18. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie
19. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Debbie, and
Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
20. Blues Name Starter Kit
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Pegleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi
Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")
21. And I don't care how tragic your life is, if anyone in your family
plays soccer, you can't sing the blues.
If you are new to Blues music, or like it but never really understood
the why and wherefores, here are some very fundamental rules:
1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning..."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you
stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the
meanest face in town."
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it.
Then find something that rhymes - sort of: "Got a good woman with
the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weigh 500 pound."
4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a
ditch...ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars:
Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in
Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a
Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored
motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the
Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues.
They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood"
means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in
Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or anywhere
in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is just clinical
depression. Chicago, St. Louis, Kansas City, Memphis, and Nawlins are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in any place that don't get rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were
skiing is not the Blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.
9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass
11. Bad places for the Blues
a. Nordstrom's
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses
12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you
happen to be an old person, and you slept in it.
13.Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:
a. you're older than dirt
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied
No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have a 401K or trust fund
14. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck.
Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could have. Ugly white
people also got a leg up on the Blues.
15. If you ask for water and your darlin' gives you gasoline, it's the
Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are
a. cheap wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. black coffee
The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast
16. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues
death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to
die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a
broken-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis
match or while getting liposuction.
17. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d.FatRiverDumpling
18. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie
19. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Debbie, and
Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
20. Blues Name Starter Kit
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Pegleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi
Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")
21. And I don't care how tragic your life is, if anyone in your family
plays soccer, you can't sing the blues.
good 1.. Thanks for the laugh