Gunman kills 11 in South Alabama shooting spree

[GalvestonDuck]

I suppose I'll attempt once more to post a reply here. I typed a long one Friday, only to click "send" and get sent to the login screen. Grrrr....

First, let me say, I hate when I have to repeat stuff.

Now, let me repeat --

My best friend was NOT mentally ill. She, along with thousands of others, was dealing with the aftermath of Ike. Because she was having a hard time sleeping, a doctor gave her some medicine. However, that medicine is NOT a sleep aid. Some doctors can be notorious for giving medicines for symptoms that they have not been proven to treat. The medicine he gave her is used to treat psychiatric symptoms. Again, let me reiterate -- my best friend was NOT mentally ill. Psych meds work by regulating neurotransmitters in the brain. My best friend was NOT mentally ill and, therefore, did NOT need the neurotransmitters in her brain messed with. By giving her this medicine, he caused her to have a chemical imbalance in the brain. He altered her brain chemistry, which lead to her confusion and altered mental state. He is the primary cause of her suicide because the medicine can lead to suicide attempts and she should NOT have been given that medicine. It is usually given on an INPATIENT basis and the patient is MONITORED. We are looking into it and he will face a lawsuit. My main goal is to rip his license away so he can't poison someone else and cause more pain and heartache.

Now, having said that, let me say again -- I know I was not the cause of her suicide. But don't tell me I'm not to blame. There were things I should have done. There were things I did do to try to help, but I didn't do them correctly. The bottom line is -- I didn't stop her. Therefore, yes, I am also at fault. I didn't cause it, but I didn't stop it. I can blame the medicine, the doctor, Ike, UTMB, the gun. But I can also blame myself. Don't tell me I shouldn't feel guilty about it. I am allowed to feel however the heck I want to feel. I know where I was at fault. It's not so much about whether or not I'm should blame myself. I know I should. It's that I have to be able to find it in myself to forgive myself for my failure in all of this. I failed my best friend.

Furthermore, I am grieving. It is a normal process. It is not a mental illness. I am sad. Some would call that "depressed," but I am not suffering for diagnosable "clinical depression." My heart is broken because my best friend is no longer here. I do not need a psychiatrist for that and I certainly don't need medication. I simply have to work through my grief. It may take a while because this was not an expected death. It was a violent, unanticipated death that should have never happened. I can still see the bullet hole in the ceiling. I can still see the blood on the floor. I can still hear the cop saying, "There's no easy way to say this, but she's deceased." He wasn't supposed to say that. We went there to see her and when they stopped us, I wanted them to say, "She doesn't want to talk to anyone right now" or "She's okay, but she's talking with someone else and then we're going to take her to the hospital to help get her back on track." When he said, "There's no easy way to say this," I didn't want to hear anymore. I didn't want to hear anything that meant I wouldn't see or talk to my best friend again. You know why? Because that meant that I failed. It meant that I didn't do everything I could to make things better. I didn't get help for her when I should have. I didn't tell enough people so we could figure out what was wrong. I didn't do everything in my power to make sure she was okay.

I don't know why that's so hard for people to understand. My best friend is dead. I didn't stop it. I can't go back and fix it. Now I am grieving. It is not a mental illness. People all over the world face grief and loss. They are not mentally ill. They are dealing with grief. It takes time. I can't express it at work, so I will express it whenever else I can. I chose to express it here and it got turned around.

Relax. I'm expressing my grief. If I don't get to do that, it's as bad as my boss saying, "Put on a mask and be happy when you're here."

Now I know some people do suffer or have suffered from the debilitating effects of mental illnesses. My favorite actress Patty Duke is one such example. I am one of those who understands that not everyone is a monster and not everyone is in complete control of their actions. I'm glad that there are those who devote their time and energy to communicating with people and understanding such disorders. And I'm glad that there are those, like TBH, who have been able to receive the proper treatment for those disorders because of research. I can only hope that more can be done to understand how to prevent tragedies because some doctors fail to read the research and understand what treatments they are prescribing.

Thanks again for the thoughts and prayers. But relax, really. I'm grieving...I don't need to pay $80 an hour to do that.

[Nimbus]

It is easy to blame yourself when a close friend takes their own life even though you shouldn't. Back in 2002 my girlfriend died of a self inflicted insulin overdose, she was only 47 and otherwise in pretty good physical health. She was on prozac and in retrospect and only in retrospect there were warning signs. Before a suicide happens, you are fooled by your own faith in the person and you just can't believe that things won't turn out OK. All you can do is grieve, any guilt you have will go away soon.

[Stephanie]

It's just that some of your comments like "wishing for death" were a bit symbolic of someone having suicidal thoughts. It was a knee-jerk reaction and it sounded like you were crying out for help.

You are most definately grieving and as you said, it is a normal process. The grief and the sadness will never truly go away, but the pain will subside in time.

I'm glad that there will be a lawsuit being filed on her behalf.

Keep checking in to let us know how you are doing.

Nimbus - I'm sorry for your loss. I'm on Prozac now and there does tend to be a "leveling off" of the medication's affects. I've had my dose increased over the years. Unfortunately, one of the side affects, weight gain, has increased right along with it, along with some other side affects. Sometimes some medications work better on some people than on others. I'm afraid to be weaned of of Prozac (I think that's what I would have to do) in order to try something new because I know of what happened the last time. I have to talk to my doctor.