Just wait until my lunch hour! 'Twas the Night Before Christmas--A Woman's Point of View
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mf_dolphin
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southerngale
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Q. What do men & beer bottles have in common?
A. They're both empty from the neck up.
Q. What does a man consider to be a seven-course meal?
A. A hot-dog and a six-pack.
Q. How do men define 50/50 relationship?
A. We cook/they eat we clean/they dirty we iron/they wrinkle.
Q. Why is a psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man than for a woman?
A. When it's time to go back to his childhood , he's already there.
Q. Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
A. So men can understand them.
Q. How do you get a man to do situps?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.
Q. What do you call a man with half a brain?
A. Gifted.
Q. How does a man take a bubble bath?
A. He eats beans for dinner.
Q. What's the difference between government bonds and men?
A. Government bonds mature.
Q. What's the thinnest book in the world?
A. "What Men Know About Women."
Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One, men will screw anything.
Q. What is a man's idea of foreplay?
A. A half hour of begging.
Q. How can you tell if a man's sexually aroused?
A. He's breathing.
Q. How do you save a man from drowning?
A. Take your foot off his head.
A. They're both empty from the neck up.
Q. What does a man consider to be a seven-course meal?
A. A hot-dog and a six-pack.
Q. How do men define 50/50 relationship?
A. We cook/they eat we clean/they dirty we iron/they wrinkle.
Q. Why is a psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man than for a woman?
A. When it's time to go back to his childhood , he's already there.
Q. Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
A. So men can understand them.
Q. How do you get a man to do situps?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.
Q. What do you call a man with half a brain?
A. Gifted.
Q. How does a man take a bubble bath?
A. He eats beans for dinner.
Q. What's the difference between government bonds and men?
A. Government bonds mature.
Q. What's the thinnest book in the world?
A. "What Men Know About Women."
Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One, men will screw anything.
Q. What is a man's idea of foreplay?
A. A half hour of begging.
Q. How can you tell if a man's sexually aroused?
A. He's breathing.
Q. How do you save a man from drowning?
A. Take your foot off his head.
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mf_dolphin
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mf_dolphin
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- Age: 68
- Joined: Tue Oct 08, 2002 2:05 pm
- Location: St Petersburg, FL
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At long last... The Men's Guide to what a woman really means when she says something. Pay close attention (there might be a quiz later).
You want = You want
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I'm on my period.
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...
I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white.
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me?= I did something today you're really not going to like.
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]
Yes = No
No = No
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry.
Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it.
Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new pocket books, and OMIGOD those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?
The answer to "What's wrong?"
The same old thing = Nothing
Nothing = Everything
Everything = My PMS is acting up
Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an asshole
I don't want to talk about it = Go away, I'm still building up steam
You want = You want
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I'm on my period.
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...
I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white.
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me?= I did something today you're really not going to like.
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]
Yes = No
No = No
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry.
Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it.
Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new pocket books, and OMIGOD those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?
The answer to "What's wrong?"
The same old thing = Nothing
Nothing = Everything
Everything = My PMS is acting up
Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an asshole
I don't want to talk about it = Go away, I'm still building up steam
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mf_dolphin
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- Location: St Petersburg, FL
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HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN EVERY TIME
Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffy lube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify,protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spot weld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, puree, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.
HOW TO SATISFY A MAN EVERY TIME
Show up naked.
Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffy lube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify,protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spot weld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, puree, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.
HOW TO SATISFY A MAN EVERY TIME
Show up naked.
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mf_dolphin
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- Age: 68
- Joined: Tue Oct 08, 2002 2:05 pm
- Location: St Petersburg, FL
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Question: Can men ever win?
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.
If you thump her, it's wife bashing.
If she thumps you, it's self defense.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert.
If you don't, you're a fine man.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist.
If you don't, you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself.
If you don't, you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often, you're oversexed.
If you don't, there must be someone else.
The answer to the question is...NO!!!!!
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.
If you thump her, it's wife bashing.
If she thumps you, it's self defense.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert.
If you don't, you're a fine man.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist.
If you don't, you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself.
If you don't, you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often, you're oversexed.
If you don't, there must be someone else.
The answer to the question is...NO!!!!!
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southerngale
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- Joined: Thu Oct 10, 2002 1:27 am
- Location: Southeast Texas (Beaumont area)
In the hospital, the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and so to the entire group said, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains because they've actually been used."
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and so to the entire group said, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains because they've actually been used."
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mf_dolphin
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- Age: 68
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- Location: St Petersburg, FL
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More - Gender-Specific Dictionary
Wants & needs (wontz and nedz) n.
female: The delicate balance of emotional, physical and psychological longing one seeks to have fulfilled in a relationship.
male: Food, sex and beer.
Glass ceiling (glas see-ling) n.
female: The invisible barrier that stops women from rising to the upper levels in business.
male: What would really be great at work since that hot babe took over the office one flight up.
Vulnerable (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male: Playing ball without a cup.
Butt (but) n.
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
male: The organ of mooning (and farting).
Entertainment (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male: Anything with one ball, two folds, or three stooges.
Making love (may-king luv) n.
female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
male: What men have to call "boinking" to get women to boink.
Taste (tayst) v.
female: Something you do frequently to whatever you're cooking, to make sure it's good.
male: Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad, prior to tossing it out.
Wants & needs (wontz and nedz) n.
female: The delicate balance of emotional, physical and psychological longing one seeks to have fulfilled in a relationship.
male: Food, sex and beer.
Glass ceiling (glas see-ling) n.
female: The invisible barrier that stops women from rising to the upper levels in business.
male: What would really be great at work since that hot babe took over the office one flight up.
Vulnerable (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male: Playing ball without a cup.
Butt (but) n.
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
male: The organ of mooning (and farting).
Entertainment (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male: Anything with one ball, two folds, or three stooges.
Making love (may-king luv) n.
female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
male: What men have to call "boinking" to get women to boink.
Taste (tayst) v.
female: Something you do frequently to whatever you're cooking, to make sure it's good.
male: Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad, prior to tossing it out.
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southerngale
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- Joined: Thu Oct 10, 2002 1:27 am
- Location: Southeast Texas (Beaumont area)
Q. How can you tell if a man is happy?
A. Who cares.
Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know, it's never happened.
Q. What is a man's idea of helping with the housework?
A. Lifting his leg, so you can vacuum.
Q. Why are men like laxatives?
A. They can irritate the crap out of you.
Q. What is gross stupidity?
A. 144 men in one room.
Q. Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A. So they wouldn't hump women's legs at parties.
Q. How do men sort their laundry?
A. "Dirty" and "Dirty but wearable".
Q. Why don't men like to wear condoms?
A. Because it cuts off the oxygen to their brains.
Q. What did God say after creating man?
A. I can do better.
A. Who cares.
Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know, it's never happened.
Q. What is a man's idea of helping with the housework?
A. Lifting his leg, so you can vacuum.
Q. Why are men like laxatives?
A. They can irritate the crap out of you.
Q. What is gross stupidity?
A. 144 men in one room.
Q. Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A. So they wouldn't hump women's legs at parties.
Q. How do men sort their laundry?
A. "Dirty" and "Dirty but wearable".
Q. Why don't men like to wear condoms?
A. Because it cuts off the oxygen to their brains.
Q. What did God say after creating man?
A. I can do better.
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mf_dolphin
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Today we have to be politically correct, especially when it comes to dealing with the opposite sex. Remember these tips, and save yourself a sexual harassment suit!
She does not: GET PMS
She becomes: HORMONALLY HOMICIDAL
She does not have: A KILLER BODY
She is : TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE
She is not: A BAD COOK
She is: MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE
She is not: A BAD DRIVER
She is: AUTOMOTIVELY CHALLENGED
She is not a: PERFECT 10
She is: NUMERICALLY SUPERIOR
She is not: EASY
She is: HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE
She does not: HATE SPORTS ON TV
She is: ATHLETICALLY BIASED
She does not have: SEXY LIPS
She is: COLLAGEN DEPENDENT
She does not get: DRUNK
She is: ACCIDENTALLY OVER-SERVED
You do not ask her: TO DANCE
You request a: PRE-COITAL RHYTHMIC EXPERIENCE
She is not: A GOSSIP
She is a: VERBAL TERMINATOR
She does not: WORK OUT TOO MUCH
She is an: ABDOMINAL OVERACHIEVER
She does not have: A GREAT BUTT
She is: GLUTEUS TO THE MAXIMUS
She is not: HOOKED ON SOAP OPERAS
She is: MELODRAMATICALLY FIXATED
She is not: COLD OR FRIGID
She is: THERMALLY INCOMPATIBLE
She does not: WEAR TOO MUCH MAKE-UP
She is: COSMETICALLY OVERSATURATED
She does not have: GREAT CLEAVAGE
She is: CENTRALLY LOCATED
She will never: GAIN WEIGHT
She will become: A METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER
She is not: A SCREAMER OR MOANER
She is: VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE
She does not: SHAVE HER LEGS
She experiences: TEMPORARY STUBBLE REDUCTION
She does not have: A HARD BODY
She is: ANATOMICALLY INFLEXIBLE
She does not: SUN BATHE
She experiences: SOLAR ENHANCEMENT
Her breast will never: SAG
They will: LOSE THEIR VERTICAL HOLD
She does not: GET PMS
She becomes: HORMONALLY HOMICIDAL
She does not have: A KILLER BODY
She is : TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE
She is not: A BAD COOK
She is: MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE
She is not: A BAD DRIVER
She is: AUTOMOTIVELY CHALLENGED
She is not a: PERFECT 10
She is: NUMERICALLY SUPERIOR
She is not: EASY
She is: HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE
She does not: HATE SPORTS ON TV
She is: ATHLETICALLY BIASED
She does not have: SEXY LIPS
She is: COLLAGEN DEPENDENT
She does not get: DRUNK
She is: ACCIDENTALLY OVER-SERVED
You do not ask her: TO DANCE
You request a: PRE-COITAL RHYTHMIC EXPERIENCE
She is not: A GOSSIP
She is a: VERBAL TERMINATOR
She does not: WORK OUT TOO MUCH
She is an: ABDOMINAL OVERACHIEVER
She does not have: A GREAT BUTT
She is: GLUTEUS TO THE MAXIMUS
She is not: HOOKED ON SOAP OPERAS
She is: MELODRAMATICALLY FIXATED
She is not: COLD OR FRIGID
She is: THERMALLY INCOMPATIBLE
She does not: WEAR TOO MUCH MAKE-UP
She is: COSMETICALLY OVERSATURATED
She does not have: GREAT CLEAVAGE
She is: CENTRALLY LOCATED
She will never: GAIN WEIGHT
She will become: A METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER
She is not: A SCREAMER OR MOANER
She is: VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE
She does not: SHAVE HER LEGS
She experiences: TEMPORARY STUBBLE REDUCTION
She does not have: A HARD BODY
She is: ANATOMICALLY INFLEXIBLE
She does not: SUN BATHE
She experiences: SOLAR ENHANCEMENT
Her breast will never: SAG
They will: LOSE THEIR VERTICAL HOLD
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southerngale
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- Location: Southeast Texas (Beaumont area)
Remember guys...
Rule #1 - Women of Storm2k are always right.
Rule #2 - When in doubt, refer to Rule #1.
Rule #1 - Women of Storm2k are always right.
Rule #2 - When in doubt, refer to Rule #1.
Last edited by southerngale on Thu Dec 04, 2003 12:16 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Stephanie
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j wrote:I might need some back up after this one ---
Q. - What is a woman doing when she is staring at a blank piece of paper?
A. - Reading her rights.
LOW, LOW blow j!!!!!
quote: "can we eat first?" - still asking permission huh???
Sorry troops! I've let you guys down! :knight:
:drinking: - when isn't it???
:7: - do ya ever wonder why WOMEN aren't plummers???
:King: - how many times have you heard that one ladies????
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southerngale
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- Location: Southeast Texas (Beaumont area)
WHAT MEN REALLY MEAN!
I'm going fishing." Really means... "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"Let's take your car." Really means.... "Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas."
"Woman driver." Really means.... "Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."
"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen." Really means.... "As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."
"It's a guy thing." Really means.... "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?" Really means.... "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really mean.... Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.
"Good idea." Really means.... "It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."
· "Have you lost weight?" Really means.... "I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."
"My wife doesn't understand me." Really means.... "She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."
"It would take too long to explain." Really means.... "I have no idea how it works."
"I'm getting more exercise lately." Really means.... "The batteries in the remote are dead."
"I got a lot done." Really means.... "I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."
"We're going to be late." Really means.... "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"Hey, I've read all the classics." Really means.... "I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."
"You cook just like my mother used to." Really means.... "She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."
"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind." Really means.... "I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means.... "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear." Really means.... "Are you still talking?"
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." Really means.... "I forgot our anniversary again."
"You expect too much of me." Really means.... "You want me to stay awake."
"It's a really good movie." Really means.... "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."
"That's women's work." Really means.... "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
"Will you marry me?" Really means.... "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."
"Go ask your mother." Really means.... "I am incapable of making a decision."
"You know how bad my memory is." Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses." Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"Football is a man's game." Really means.... "Women are generally too smart to play it."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
"I do help around the house." Really means.... "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means.... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I can't find it." Really means.... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"What did I do this time?" Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"
"What do you mean, you need new clothes?" Really means.... "You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."
"She's one of those rabid feminists." Really means.... "She refused to make my coffee."
"But I hate to go shopping." Really means.... "Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse."
"No, I left plenty of gas in the car." Really means.... "You may actually get it to start."
"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys." Really means.... "I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions."
"I heard you." Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"You know I could never love anyone else." Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"You look terrific." Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I brought you a present." Really means.... "It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."
"I missed you." Really means.... "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again."
"We share the housework." Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up."
"This relationship is getting too serious." Really means.... "I like you more than my truck."
"I recycle." Really means.... "We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."
"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful." Really means.... "Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"
"It sure snowed last night." Really means.... "I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now."
"It's good beer." Really means.... "It was on sale."
"I don't need to read the instructions." Really means.... "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."
"I'll fix the garbage disposal later." Really means.... "If I wait long enough you'll get frustated and buy a new one."
"I broke up with her." Really means.... "She dumped me."
"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant." Really means.... "Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."
I'm going fishing." Really means... "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"Let's take your car." Really means.... "Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas."
"Woman driver." Really means.... "Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."
"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen." Really means.... "As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."
"It's a guy thing." Really means.... "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?" Really means.... "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really mean.... Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.
"Good idea." Really means.... "It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."
· "Have you lost weight?" Really means.... "I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."
"My wife doesn't understand me." Really means.... "She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."
"It would take too long to explain." Really means.... "I have no idea how it works."
"I'm getting more exercise lately." Really means.... "The batteries in the remote are dead."
"I got a lot done." Really means.... "I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."
"We're going to be late." Really means.... "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"Hey, I've read all the classics." Really means.... "I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."
"You cook just like my mother used to." Really means.... "She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."
"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind." Really means.... "I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means.... "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear." Really means.... "Are you still talking?"
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." Really means.... "I forgot our anniversary again."
"You expect too much of me." Really means.... "You want me to stay awake."
"It's a really good movie." Really means.... "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."
"That's women's work." Really means.... "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
"Will you marry me?" Really means.... "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."
"Go ask your mother." Really means.... "I am incapable of making a decision."
"You know how bad my memory is." Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses." Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"Football is a man's game." Really means.... "Women are generally too smart to play it."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
"I do help around the house." Really means.... "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means.... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I can't find it." Really means.... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"What did I do this time?" Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"
"What do you mean, you need new clothes?" Really means.... "You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."
"She's one of those rabid feminists." Really means.... "She refused to make my coffee."
"But I hate to go shopping." Really means.... "Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse."
"No, I left plenty of gas in the car." Really means.... "You may actually get it to start."
"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys." Really means.... "I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions."
"I heard you." Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"You know I could never love anyone else." Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"You look terrific." Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I brought you a present." Really means.... "It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."
"I missed you." Really means.... "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again."
"We share the housework." Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up."
"This relationship is getting too serious." Really means.... "I like you more than my truck."
"I recycle." Really means.... "We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."
"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful." Really means.... "Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"
"It sure snowed last night." Really means.... "I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now."
"It's good beer." Really means.... "It was on sale."
"I don't need to read the instructions." Really means.... "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."
"I'll fix the garbage disposal later." Really means.... "If I wait long enough you'll get frustated and buy a new one."
"I broke up with her." Really means.... "She dumped me."
"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant." Really means.... "Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."
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