You are about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any day now, you're
going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob
out in the Gulf of Mexico and making two basic meteorological points:
1. There is no need to panic.
2. We could all be killed.
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you are new
to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for
the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one.'' Based on our
experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane
preparedness plan:
STEP 1. - Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at
least three days.
STEP 2. - Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3. - Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.
Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this
sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida. We'll start
with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:
HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:
If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this
insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic
requirements:
1. it is reasonably well-built
2. it is located in Nebraska.
Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that
might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer
not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to
pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance
business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an
insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to
the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop
you like used dental floss. Since Hurricane George, I have had an estimated
27 different home-insurance companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and
Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to
my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.
SHUTTERS:
Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors,
and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets. There are several types
of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:
Plywood shutters:
The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap. The
disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.
Sheet-metal shutters:
The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The
Disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be bleeding
stumps, and it will be December.
Roll-down shutters:
The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely
protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your
house to pay for them.
"Hurricane-proof'' windows:
These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like
ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of
this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.
"Hurricane Proofing" Your Property:
As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like
barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc. You
should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you
don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately).
Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.
EVACUATION ROUTE:
If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned
out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your
driver's license; if it says ``Florida," you live in a low-lying area.) The
purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home
when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic
jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other
evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.
HURRICANE SUPPLIES:
If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them
now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible
minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with
strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM.
In addition it is best to leave your cars gas tank on Empty. And plan to
fill it After the storm. In addition to food and water, you will need the
following supplies:
1. 23 flashlights - At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when
the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
2. Bleach - (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what
the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some)
3. A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
4. A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a
hurricane, but it looks cool.)
5. An Assault rifle. (This will be used to fight off the looting mobs
afterwards!)
6. A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask
anybody who went through Camille; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate
alligators.)
7. $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you
can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.
Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it
is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on
your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next
to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for
everybody to stay inside.
Good luck, and remember: It's great living in Paradise!
Hope you all enjoyed this
