The Bible according to children

[x-y-no]

Can you imagine yourself to be the nun that is sitting at her desk grading
these papers all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her
composure!
>
>
>PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE
>EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS!
>THIS COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST. KIDS WERE ASKED
>QUESTIONS
>ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE
>WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED.
>INCORRECT
>SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.
>
>
>1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING
>THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.
>
>2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF
>ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

> > 3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE
>DURING THE NIGHT.
>
>4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE
>WITH
>UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.
>
>5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE
>DELILAH.
>
>6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.
>
>7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD
>WHICH
>IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.
>
>8, THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT
>UP
>TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.
>
>9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.
>
>10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.
>
>11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CA! NADA. T HEN JOSHUA LED THE
HEBREWS
>IN
>THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.
>
>12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND
>STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.
>
>13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT
>THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.
>
>14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.
>
>15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.
>
>16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS
>IN
>THE MANAGER.
>
>17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.
>
>18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.
>
>19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE
>! ;THEY D O ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT
ALONE.
>
>20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE
> TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.
>
>21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.
>
>22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.
>
>23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.
>
>24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS
>ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

[mf_dolphin]

ROFLMAO! As a Southern Baptist Ministers son these are priceless. Especially this one...

24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS
>ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

[crossmagnet]

>4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE
>WITH
>UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

That was priceless...The whole thing had me laughing, though...