I need advice, comments, words of wisdom...

[Stephanie]

Here goes;

Most of you know that my father lives in Colorado after he and my mother separated and then divorced in the early 1990's. I will be going to see him on Thursday and staying until Sunday. I've cut this trip a day shorter than normal. I only see my father once a year when I fly out to see him. I love Colorado and he has always packed so many things to do in the short amount of time that I go there that the trip can be rather exhausting. My father gets so excited when one of us goes out there that he's like the activity director. I've been out there the most, my middle brother hasn't visited him at all and my youngest brother has been there a few times. Two years ago we went with his girlfriend, Anne to New Mexico and stayed in Taos and Santa Fe. I don't know if it was because of the travelling, the climate, the total difference between where I live on the East Coast versus dessert or what, but I did not enjoy myself. I just wanted to get back home. Last year I had a nice visit, but maybe the novelty of travelling out there has worn on me or something. I think that since I also don't smoke infront of my Dad or Anne would leave me anxious about finding my next "smoke area" (yeah, I know, pretty pathetic).

I really appreciate all of the time and effort my father has put into making up an "itinerary" - he loves to be out and about. My idea of relaxation is to be home or at a resort somewhere and perhaps take a trip somewhere to do some sight-seeing. Also, when I'm there he's very talkative where I like my down time. This time around I am also taking a supply of Nicorette gum to see if it will help me and then ultimately quit for good.

I feel so guilty not fully enjoying myself when I'm out there - he's my Dad. Marty had said to me once that my father and I don't have much in common and that really struck me because we did at one time (at least I thought). I feel like I'm doing a job going to visit him now and I hate feeling like this but I feel I must because he's my Dad. I think too that I get myself worked up because I'm travelling alone - and it's not because of 9/11 because I've always felt this way, perhaps more so now due to 9/11.

Does anyone have any stories, comments, opinions, etc. that will help me to understand what I'm feeling? I'd really appreciate it!

Thanks for listening!

[pvroses]

Well I'm going to give this a shot ! Lol ! That was my first idea~ Nicorette or the "patch" to help out the anxiety. Second~ Did you settle your feelings about the divorce w/ your parents ? No matter how old you are when it happens it still really affects you. I'd be honest w/ your dad and tell him you'd like to take it easy,not such a planned visit. Maybe just you and your dad can do something relaxing together so you can get to know each other again,one on one. It's hard to actually have a conversation when your running from place to place to be entertained. Just sitting on the front porch catching up.... Being hundreds of miles away makes it very hard to stay close to your family,life happens, and suddenly you realize a few weeks have passed since you've talked. Life is short,be honest,talk it out,your dad won't be here forever. Good luck ~K

[Stephanie]

Thanks PV!

It's possible that I haven't come to terms with the divorce deep down somewhere, though I love Anne and my Mom's fiance, Dan. It was a BIG shock for me when I first found out...I didn't see it coming because I was already married by then and out of the house. My youngest brother saw it all, but I had always thought growing up that we had "the perfect family".

I'm hoping that the Nicorette does help and if I do end up not smoking the whole time I'm out there then I will continue with it and quit altogether.

[GulfBreezer]

Steph,
I agree with alot of what PV said. I would just like to maybe touch on something that maybe you have not thought about. Sometimes when people try to "stay busy" it is because they may have some fears about "quality time" versus quantity time. Some people are fearful of getting involved in a real conversation involving feelings and would rather stay busy to avoid that kind of personal interaction. Maybe your dad fears that you do have unresolved feelings and if given the opportunity you may want to talk about it. That can be a very scary thing. I agree that you should maybe ask him if you two could focus more on quality than quantity during your visit and (like PV said) get to know each other. On the other hand, remeber that life is short and he is the only daddy you will ever have. I am sure you ill will find a nice middle ground that will make you both happy!

Allow yourself to have fun and maybe try to not over-analyze either

[azskyman]

Boy...PV and Gulfbreezer really have a handle on it.

First thing I see Stephanie is the anxiety...manifested in the need for nicorette!

I'm not the trip fan I used to be...like you I prefer a home base on a trip...and an itinerary that says "I can do something today if I want...or simply sleep it away if I don't." A busy schedule doesn't help that much.

I would add only this to the excellent advice already on the table.

Colorado has a wonderful uplifting environment in which to enjoy small pieces of time; small conversations of healing and forgiveness. Even in between all the trips.

I'm 57 years old and can list on two hands the most defining moments in my life. None of them were more than 5 minutes long...but each was a unique combination of the people I was with, the environment we were in, and the unique nature of that moment.

You'll be restless at times...but your appreciation of a sunny morning, a good cup of coffee, time between stops...whatever it might be...might just be a chance to break off a piece of that anxiety and let it roll away on the road behind you.

Best wishes...and by the way, what time and day are you stopping over in Phoenix? Even if briefly.

Good luck with your visit....

Remember that snapshot I sent earlier today...in some ways that was a defining moment for me as a father and grandfather. No words spoken...just a click of the shutter capturing a little piece in time.

I hope you find one of those on your trip.

Skyman

[j]

I can only say one thing to you Steph...Enjoy every minute with your Dad because one day he will not be there, and all you will have are memories. You are not a parent yet (if I'm wrong..I'm sorry), but trust me....there is nothing that a parent wants more than to see a child that is far away, and out of reach. Products of broken families take for granted sometimes, the more frequent visits that are allotted due to the close proximity they may live to one another. I'm in the position of your Father, seperated from my Son, and there is nothing more important to me than the time I have with him when we visit. Unfortunately, it is all too infrequent, but out of my control.

Enjoy your trip, suck it up, take plenty of the cigarette gum with you, and remember that you are making your Dad a very happy man. You will have peace with yourself after he has gone if you have done all that you can do to maximize the little time that you do have together.

[mf_dolphin]

Having lost my dad a couple of years ago I can say that those trips to North Carolina to see him were priceless! As J said, enjoy the opportunities you have. I can remember having a lot of the same feelings about those trips but we knew what they meant to him and our kids. DOn't be afraid to be honest with your dad about the busy schedule. Maybe suggest a little down time during the trip just to enjoy each other!

As a father with grown kids now, I find myself on the other side of the equation. With my son resonably close in Savannah we try and get up their as often as possible, but it's never often enough! My oldest daughter and her husband are in Amarillo, TX and we haven't seen them for a couple of years. With her expecting in Feb, we are trying to make plans now to go out there!

[Miss Mary]

Stephanie - you've been given great advice here. Picture this scene another way - your dad knows you're coming for a visit. He does nothing but get a clean room ready for you, buy extra groceries and maybe meet you at the airport. Some parents would be like that I'm sure. But after reading what you posted, I think you have a terrific dad! Oh how I wish my dad was still alive......another story/topic. This is your topic. He will be gone someday as j pointed out. Maybe step into his shoes for a while. He clearly is SO excited you're coming, he goes overboard in the activity itinerary department. Look over the list and choose a few, grab his hand and away you two go. When you catch some downtime, tell him how you really feel. Sometimes the simplest outings are the quietest - hitting the ice cream stand. Try that, chew the gum like crazy (that did bring a chuckle) and cherish your dad. I know the divorce issues are hard to take. My own parents split when I was 17. They had been bitterly fighting for at least a decade at that point. The last "fight" was a silent treatment, that went on for a few years. Imagine having dinner with your parents and absolutely no one is talking. My mom was in a spare room at that point. So in my case, it wasn't a marriage. My brothers and I said - whew, maybe now they can find some peace - apart. Sounds as if you had that great marriage example that you very much miss. I didn't. That has to be hard. Since your visit is so short, mention a few things that bother you but mainly get to know your dad again. You could also write a long, heartfelt letter after the visit. Start off by telling him how much your appreciated the trip, etc. and then go in to it.

Hang in there. Sometimes the trips/family meetings we so dread are not so bad afterall. I'm hoping that will apply here!

[Rainband]

I hope your visit brings you and your father closure to any hidden feelings you have about the divorce. I also hope you have a great time. Some Father's wouldn't even bother to take the time to plan any activities..so although your a homebody, like me, appreciate his effort!!! Maybe he senses the closeness has faded over the years and he wants nothing more for you to have a good time with his daughter. As for the anxiety..it might not be as bad as you think!!! God speed and have a safe and fun trip!!!

[Pburgh]

Boy Steph, you sure have gotten some really good replies and suggestions.

Well, I know how excited I get when my kids come home. He's probably trying to make sure you have a wonderful time. Maybe he is unsure of your feelings for him since the divorce and he is trying to make up for it by "doing everything you could possibly want to do" while you visit him. Most parents know they have hurt their children in some way when they get divorced and, believe me, we spend our life trying to make it up to them. I've done it - even though our divorce was amicable - my ex and I still feel the quilt of breaking up our family unit.

Anyway, talk to him. Sounds like he loves you to pieces and would love to hear you say you'd like to spend quality time with him like you did when you were a kid. While you're at it, tell him you smoke. He's probably known it all along. He might appreciate the fact that you have admitted to having a weakness.

Oh well, enough of my analyzing. Steph, go out there with the idea of spending precious time with your Dad. Don't be afraid to tell him your real feelings. Never forget that he loves you and you'll always be his little girl.

((HUGS))
Karan

[Colin]

Steph, everybody has covered this pretty well...but I can kind of relate. My mom and dad have separated many times before, only to get back together and separate again...I've always felt kind of weird going with my dad to places...knowing he was the culprit for my parents to be separated.

Good luck with the trip and I hope everything goes well with it! You'll be in my thoughts.

[Stephanie]

WOW GUYS!

Thank you SO MUCH for all of your wonderful advice and sharing your experiences too. Sometimes you need confirmation that you are not the only one that has experienced something. I guess what really bugs me is that I seem to be feeling "ungrateful" for everything that he has been trying to do. Another reason why I'm going out there other than because he's my Dad and I love him is because I know that life is too short as j and many others have said. Last year when I visited, we were out in Silver Cliff which is just outside the Sangre de Cristo mountain range. Anne and my Dad showed me and old, but still used cemetery that they bought their plots in. It's a beautiful sight with the mountain range towering just in the distance. It is rumored to be haunted too (which is another reason why Anne loved it). That kind of gave me the willies and reality sunk in, but it's apart of life!

I think that it is also helping me today that I am home now and relaxing - not shooting off to the airport by this time to catch a flight.

BTW Steve, I will be arriving in Phoenix tomorrow at 3:09 pm PST and leaving for Denver at 5:57 pm. I'll be leaving Denver on Sunday and arriving in Phoenix at 1:52 pm but leaving an hour later at 2:53 pm for home.

THANK YOU SO MUCH GUYS!! I knew that I could count on you!

[coriolis]

Stephanie,


I don't know if you'll get this in time.
I won't repeat the exellent ideas above. Here's some shot's in the dark:

Could the presence of your father's girlfriend inhibit him from talking about anything serious? Do you get any one-on-one time?

Could your father have regrets that he's not ready to face, or that he's trying to put behind him?

Could he be afraid of your disapproval of his life?

Could he be trying to make it up to you with all the things to do?

A lot of people feel that they need to entertain a guest so they overdo it.

I'm sure that you tried to talk to him in the past. You can't change him. You can be patient and

hope and pray that he opens up. My father started to open up when he became elderly

He's expressed some regrets and is making his peace. In your case I have no idea how
long it might take. But for your part, having patience and enjoying the mere fact
that you're with him may be the best you can do.

[Stephanie]

Thanks Ed!

All of those possibilities with my father I think are possible.

My family was never one for "opening up" and discussing "problems". Actually, the divorce WAS A GOOD THING to the extent that we did open up alittle more. As I've discussed in earlier posts, I'm one for holding back my feelings and handling them in private. It's in the genes!