Good time of the year for reflection...

[Stephanie]

...and perhaps mid-life crisis.

As the year draws to a close, it usually is a time for us to look back and what we did/ did not accomplish; what we wished we could of done or said differently and who has passed from our lives.

For me, it's also a time of wondering what my purpose in this life is.

I'm not a mommy, I work full-time, love to work in the garden, travel, be with my pets and Marty and spend time with my friends and family. However, I wonder what have I contributed? Where have I made a difference? Is this truly what I was put on this earth for? I don't know the answer to those questions.

I know that at around 40 or so, people start to look back at direction their life has taken and sometimes wonder how it ended up that way. Hopes and dreams of conquering the world is now tempered by realizing your physical and emotional limitations, that you are human and that we are all fallible and will not live forever. I think that I've hit that point.

How have some of you dealt with this?

[blizzard]

I know one thing, stephanie, you have contributed alot to this board. I for one like to read your posts.

[wx247]

Stephanie, while I don't know you all that well, I am willing to bet you contribute more than you know. I have a feeling people around you feed off your energy. You have a sense of humor, but also know when to be serious.

I am still fairly young, but I know what you mean. And I know something else, too. Like blizzard said... you are such an asset to this board and you have affected many people here I am sure... including myself.

[Stephanie]

Thanks guys!

It's more like re-evaluating what I have and still looking to accomplish in my life. Kind of a crossroads - which fork to take?

Has anyone else come across this?

[StormCrazyIowan]

Steph, I am young, and not in the same phase of life, but I think I can see where you are coming from!! I have a similar "demon" of my own- how do I find me? The real me! Things change so fast in our lives these days; it is really hard to figure out what makes one tick! I can say with certainty that my life is not meant to be played out at WalMart!! All joking aside, I would love to go back to school, to find my love, to get married, to have children, to follow my dreams and follow my heart, but the question is, when? Who? What? Where? And How?! I guess we just have to take it day by day, and remember there is a bigger plan for all of us!! We all have meaning, and we all have reason, and chances are if we aren't seeing it, someone else is!

I hope this helps- nothing but the best to you in '04!

[blizzard]

Thanks guys!

It's more like re-evaluating what I have and still looking to accomplish in my life. Kind of a crossroads - which fork to take?

Has anyone else come across this?

To tell you the truth, I don't think we ever really know. All I know is that when I look back on my life and what I've done. As long as I don't have any regrets, I must be soing something right. Do I question my choices sometimes, and wonder how things would be different if I had chosen the other path? All of the time, but to do that is futile. The past is the past, if you feel the need to change directions in life, start with the present. Use your knowledge of the past to forge a new direction in life.

We all make a difference in life, wether we can put a finger on what it was that we did to contribute or not is not the question. Others know what impact we have had in their lives. Unfortunately we may never know the answer to our questions. But let it be known, you have made a difference here on S2K.

Here's hoping that you find what it is you are searching for, wether it be answers or whatever.

[azskyman]

Stephanie...I woke up this morning in Scottsdale, Arizona, because at age 50 I had the same thoughts. I had spent all 50 years in Illinois, had played all the games, been involved in my community, won awards, presented awards, and was surrounded by a lot of people who cared about me. Our family was respected, I seemed to have it all together.

Alas, I felt I needed a different challenge and that if I weren't careful I would simply fall asleep in my recliner for the last years of my life.

Lo and behold, Kathy and I decided that we would always second-guess ourselves if we didn't at least TRY something else, someWHERE else.

Professionally, it has been a great move. We have discovered we CAN make it wherever we are...not just in a small Midwestern community.

I am, this day, thinking about next year...TOMORROW, in fact. What will help fulfill my life more...give more meaning and substance? I'm not sure today..but am hoping the new year leads me to a new place, a new opportunity.

This isn't about moving, Stephanie. It isn't about our family or our town or our partner being inadequate. It is about doing our best to make that difference. In little ways. Maybe in big ways. But not settling for who or where you are now, but reaching for something new.

The answers you seek are really inside you. There is a hunger to stretch yourself...go to the next level. But, too, is the realization that your stamina is not as great; your energy not so spontaneous.

So as the new year stage opens before you, watch for opportunities to move from your comfort zone...and into a challenge, big or small. And then, right there in front of you, will be still more choices and opportunties as well. For you to recognize and react to, or to simply pass on by.

I'll let you know where my path leads in 2004...if you'll do the same.

It's all about the journey.

When we feel we're too close to the station, we need to buy another ticket and see where it leads us.

You have all the tools to make 2004 a year of discovery and meeting a challenge. Don't be afraid of it....instead embrace it.

Worse case? Withdraw to the comforts you know and love and appreciate...knowing you gave something new a try.

Keep me posted...as will I.

[coriolis]

I get those feelings a lot (age 44). There are things that I've always wanted to do and hopefully will have the opportunity to do them at some point. Yes I have regrets, but there's nothing to be done about them now. Just learn from them. I know that keeping the obligations to those around me and nurturing the relationships are what I need to be doing right now. If I don't fulfill these needs now I will have bigger regrets later. In doing this, the greatest satisfaction will be obtained.

Like Steve said, the best analogy is that life is a journey, it's been said many times before. When you start out, you don't really know where you're going, and many decisions are made without full knowledge. Sometimes, with hindsight, you question that decision. But who knows how the other decision would have turned out? If one dwells on past decisions, it will make it impossible to enjoy where you're at now. It's not so much where you end up, but more about how you get there. I think of National Lampoons
Summer Vacation. When they arrived at the destination, the place was closed, but what a journey getting there! I know that I don't have this together 100% and I have to keep reminding myself.

I suppose that the greatest satisfaction with one's life will be knowing that the best possible decisions were made. I have to put this in the context of my family. I complain a lot that with all my obligations, that I have little time left for me. But I know that those little acts of kindness - the time given, will provide the greatest satisfaction later on. One way to judge a life is how much you are loved by others. This is a result of how much you have loved others. It can be difficult and I often fall short.

If I got everything I want and did everything I want, something tells me that my overall happiness would be reduced. That seems backwards but it seeems to be the lesson I'm learning about life.

Well that was pretty rambling, and it was all about me, but you asked!

[azsnowman]

I know one thing, stephanie, you have contributed alot to this board. I for one like to read your posts.

Couldn't have said it better myself Blizz! You DO contribute a LOT to this board, you're ALWAYS there when someone needs a kind word, a pat on the back, the list goes on.

Dennis

[Stephanie]

Thank you again everyone for your input and experiences.

I appreciate the kind words about my contributions to this board. Sometimes it's just hard to see how the little things add up to something bigger (ala "It's a Wonderful Life").

I had been married once and I thought at that time I would be supermom- have a couple of kids, be involved in school and have a full-time job plus support from my husband. Unfortunately (or fortunately since the marriage didn't last), I realized then what I could and could not emotionally handle. Finding out that I had depression and the therapy that followed was something that I had to go through to make me the person that I am today. It also allowed me the strength to move on from my unhappy marriage and into a more secure relationship. I went ahead I got my real estate license which then made me realize that if I could pass that exam, I could go and get my MBA. That in turn led me to my mangement jobs at the Tropicana (aka Wally-World ) and to the position I have right now.

I've always been one that's loved a challenge - actually I do my best work under pressure, but I can't sustain that for a long period of time. I look now at the management positions that I had and I know that while tough, they were great experiences, but I needed to leave the last position for my own well-being.

As Jackie said, there is a bigger plan for all of us - I know that Jackie WILL NOT be at Walmart forever! It's only a means to an end.

When we're in a rut, we want change, but only at the pace we want it to be. I want change in something - I'm not sure what, but I'm afraid at the same time. I'm finally working at a pace that is more beneficial for me, but I'm bored I guess too (Steph smacks herself ).

Steve, I promise I'll keep you updated. Ed - you probably wouldn't know what to do with yourself if you finally had time for yourself (refer to the above paragraphs). Bliz, Dennis, Wx247, thanks for your comments!

[GulfBreezer]

Stephanie,
This is the year that I turn 40 and I am doing alot of self-questioning right now too. I went through a major life change 5 years ago. On December 27, 1998, I had my last drunk. It almost killed me and on that day, I wished it had. I have gone through many painful things since that day but have not yet found a reason to pick up another drink. I have gotten through the fog lifting and am now at a point where I am saying "Now what?" I am single with 2 children, one in college at FSU and another who just turned 13. Both boys. I am working on my Bachelor's and will move on to my MBA. What struck me about your post was you questioning what you have contributed. In the beginning of my sobriety, there were some really tough days when it would have been much easier to drink than to keep struggling. I would say "I will go to a meeting and if I don't get any answers there, I will go drink" Lo' and behold, there would be someone there who was struggling like me and would say one small thing and I would decide to give it one more day. None of these people ever knew that they saved my life. Many of them are back out there drinking without any knowledge of the fact that they made a difference. That is part of the way life works. We don't need to know, just have faith that the random acts of kindness we do make an impact. The "plan" is to just strive to be a good, kind person. By following those simple steps, we can make a difference. I have spoken in many treatment centers and can only pray that I gave back what was so freely given to me. Keep the faith and just strive to be a good human. Listen to God and ask Him to guide you. You will find your answers. That, my friend, is a promise from God.

God Bless,
Sandi

[Stephanie]

That is part of the way life works. We don't need to know, just have faith that the random acts of kindness we do make an impact.

That is definately key Sandi!

I had know idea about what you had went through - I'm so happy that you've been able to rise above that and move on with your life. Your kids must be VERY PROUD OF YOU!!

[GulfBreezer]

My children suffered alot from my drinking but they are now reaping huge benefits of my quitting. Through it all, I think it taught them a very valuable lesson in life.........you really can do the impossible when you have God on your side.

[azskyman]

Sandi...this time, of course, you have a whole "nuther" supporting cast to help you keep your string of dry years going! May 2004 be the best ever for you and Stephanie both!

Steve

[stormchazer]

I'm thankful my kids and wife remain healthy and that my sons Diabetes has been fairly well taken care of. Thats the best I can hope for!!

[Stephanie]

I'm glad to hear that the diabetes seem to be under control Jara!