Do you know why woman don't fart?
Because they can't keep their mouths closed long enough to build up any pressure.
'Twas the Night Before Christmas--A Woman's Point of View
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mf_dolphin
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mf_dolphin
- Category 5
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- Age: 68
- Joined: Tue Oct 08, 2002 2:05 pm
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- Contact:
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mf_dolphin
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- Age: 68
- Joined: Tue Oct 08, 2002 2:05 pm
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5 silly questions
The five toughest questions women ask - and their answers:
1. `What are you thinking?'
2. `Do you love me?'
3. `Do I look fat?'
4. `Do you think she's prettier than me?'
5. `What would you do if I died?'
What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:
1. `What are you thinking?'
The proper answer to this question, of course, is: 'I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you.' Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:
a - football.
b - baseball.
c - How fat you are.
d - How much prettier she is than you.
e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died.
The best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married with Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. His answer: 'If I wanted you to know I'd be talking instead of thinking'
The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:
2. 'Do you love me?'
The correct answer to this question is, 'Yes.'
For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer. 'Yes dear.'
Wrong answers include:
a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c - That depends on what you mean by 'love'.
d - Does it matter?
e - Who, me?
3. 'Do I look fat?'
The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state,
'No, of course not' and then quickly leave the room.
Wrong answers include:
a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
d - I've seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
4. 'Do you think she's prettier than me?'
The 'she' in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passerby you were staring at so hard that you almost caused a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw.
In any case, the correct response is: 'No, you are much prettier.'
Wrong answers include:
a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
5. 'What would you do if I died?'
Correct answer: 'Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first truck that came my way.'
This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:
'Dear,' said the wife, `what would you do if I died?'
'why, dear, I would be extremely upset,' said the husband. 'Why do you ask such a question?'
'Would you remarry?' persevered the wife.
'No, of course not, dear,' said the husband.
'Don't you like being married?' said the wife.
'Of course I do, dear,' he said.
'Then why wouldn't you remarry?'
'All right,' said the husband, 'I'd remarry.'
'You would?' said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
'Yes,' said the husband.
`Would you sleep with her in our bed?' said the wife after a long pause.
'Well yes, I suppose I would,' replied the husband.
'I see,' said the wife indignantly. 'And would you let her wear my old clothes?'
'I suppose, if she wanted to,' said the husband.
'Really,' said the wife icily. `And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?'
'Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do.'
'Is that so?' said the wife, leaping to her feet. 'And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too.'
'Of course not, dear,' said the husband. 'She's left-handed.'
The five toughest questions women ask - and their answers:
1. `What are you thinking?'
2. `Do you love me?'
3. `Do I look fat?'
4. `Do you think she's prettier than me?'
5. `What would you do if I died?'
What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:
1. `What are you thinking?'
The proper answer to this question, of course, is: 'I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you.' Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:
a - football.
b - baseball.
c - How fat you are.
d - How much prettier she is than you.
e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died.
The best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married with Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. His answer: 'If I wanted you to know I'd be talking instead of thinking'
The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:
2. 'Do you love me?'
The correct answer to this question is, 'Yes.'
For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer. 'Yes dear.'
Wrong answers include:
a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c - That depends on what you mean by 'love'.
d - Does it matter?
e - Who, me?
3. 'Do I look fat?'
The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state,
'No, of course not' and then quickly leave the room.
Wrong answers include:
a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
d - I've seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
4. 'Do you think she's prettier than me?'
The 'she' in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passerby you were staring at so hard that you almost caused a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw.
In any case, the correct response is: 'No, you are much prettier.'
Wrong answers include:
a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
5. 'What would you do if I died?'
Correct answer: 'Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first truck that came my way.'
This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:
'Dear,' said the wife, `what would you do if I died?'
'why, dear, I would be extremely upset,' said the husband. 'Why do you ask such a question?'
'Would you remarry?' persevered the wife.
'No, of course not, dear,' said the husband.
'Don't you like being married?' said the wife.
'Of course I do, dear,' he said.
'Then why wouldn't you remarry?'
'All right,' said the husband, 'I'd remarry.'
'You would?' said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
'Yes,' said the husband.
`Would you sleep with her in our bed?' said the wife after a long pause.
'Well yes, I suppose I would,' replied the husband.
'I see,' said the wife indignantly. 'And would you let her wear my old clothes?'
'I suppose, if she wanted to,' said the husband.
'Really,' said the wife icily. `And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?'
'Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do.'
'Is that so?' said the wife, leaping to her feet. 'And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too.'
'Of course not, dear,' said the husband. 'She's left-handed.'
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mf_dolphin
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Two buddies are shooting the bull over a few beers when one of them says something that would be considered a Freudian slip. He also recalls his the last slip he had where he asked the gorgeous big breasted travel agent for two "Pickets to Titsburgh".
His buddy says, yeah I know what you mean, last week while at breakfast with my wife, I meant to say, "honey please pass the milk".
But what came out of my mouth was, "You Pucking _itch, you ruined my Life".
His buddy says, yeah I know what you mean, last week while at breakfast with my wife, I meant to say, "honey please pass the milk".
But what came out of my mouth was, "You Pucking _itch, you ruined my Life".
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Men are like...Floor tile. Lay them right the first time and you can walk on them for a lifetime.
Men are like...Placemats. They only show up when there's food on the table.
Men are like...Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like...Bike helmets. Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.
Men are like...Parking spots. The good ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped.
Men are like...Copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
Men are like...Lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like...Bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
Men are like...Curling irons. They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.
Men are like...Placemats. They only show up when there's food on the table.
Men are like...Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like...Bike helmets. Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.
Men are like...Parking spots. The good ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped.
Men are like...Copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
Men are like...Lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like...Bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
Men are like...Curling irons. They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.
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Why Cat's are Better Than Men
You have a better chance of training a cat.
You never have to spend time with your cat's mother.
If you ask enough times, a cat may actually LISTEN to you.
You can de-claw a cat... try to get a guy to clip his toenails.
It's okay if a cat rubs up against your best friend.
A cat knows you're the key to his happiness... a man thinks HE is.
A cat always hits the litter box.
You have a better chance of training a cat.
You never have to spend time with your cat's mother.
If you ask enough times, a cat may actually LISTEN to you.
You can de-claw a cat... try to get a guy to clip his toenails.
It's okay if a cat rubs up against your best friend.
A cat knows you're the key to his happiness... a man thinks HE is.
A cat always hits the litter box.
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Stephanie wrote:David wrote:mf_dolphin wrote:Great scorekeeping David!
Thank ya.
Men: 231
Women: 1
(New score)
With that type of score keeping, I think you need to attend a class at Whatsmatter University!
Good one Kelly!
Deb - welcome to the whooping!!
Being it's in your town for you to attend.. I don't want to spend the money going to NJ. But thanks for the thought.
Men: 234
Women: 1
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Elements
Some simple truths from the periodic table:
Element: MAN
Symbol: Xy
Atomic Weight: 180 +/-100 Physical Properties: Solid at room temperature, but easily gets bent out of shape. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young, fresh samples.
Chemical Properties: Attempts to bond with Wo (element Women) any chance it can get. Also, tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (element Kid) for a prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None really, except methane production. "Good" samples are able to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of Wo (element Women), this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.
Some simple truths from the periodic table:
Element: MAN
Symbol: Xy
Atomic Weight: 180 +/-100 Physical Properties: Solid at room temperature, but easily gets bent out of shape. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young, fresh samples.
Chemical Properties: Attempts to bond with Wo (element Women) any chance it can get. Also, tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (element Kid) for a prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None really, except methane production. "Good" samples are able to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of Wo (element Women), this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.
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mf_dolphin
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- Joined: Tue Oct 08, 2002 2:05 pm
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Car Trouble
My wife telephoned me because she couldn’t get the car started.
"I think there's water in the carburettor, she say’s"
"Dear, I say… if you know there’s water in the carburettor, why do you need my help?"
"Well it’s like this." She said… “I put my foot on the wrong peddle and ended up driving into the swimming pool.”
My wife telephoned me because she couldn’t get the car started.
"I think there's water in the carburettor, she say’s"
"Dear, I say… if you know there’s water in the carburettor, why do you need my help?"
"Well it’s like this." She said… “I put my foot on the wrong peddle and ended up driving into the swimming pool.”
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mf_dolphin
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Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball when suddenly a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head.
He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband," she says.
He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband either."
He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.
"Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a member of this club."
He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband," she says.
He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband either."
He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.
"Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a member of this club."
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mf_dolphin
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Lucky Lifesavers
Down in Florida, two women were talking and one asked the other, "Do you ever get that feeling of being really horny?"
"Yes," her friend replied.
"What do you do about it?"
"I usually suck on a Lifesaver."
After a moment of stunned silence her friend asked, "Well, what beach do you go to?"
Down in Florida, two women were talking and one asked the other, "Do you ever get that feeling of being really horny?"
"Yes," her friend replied.
"What do you do about it?"
"I usually suck on a Lifesaver."
After a moment of stunned silence her friend asked, "Well, what beach do you go to?"
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mf_dolphin
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- Age: 68
- Joined: Tue Oct 08, 2002 2:05 pm
- Location: St Petersburg, FL
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Female drivers
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive on the shoulder. This evidently pissed the driver off enough that he hung out his window and flipped the woman off. "Man, that guy is stupid" I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here's why.
I drive 38 miles each way, every day, to work. That's 76 miles, of these, 16 each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway. So, if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane. That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 34 miles is not bumper-to-bumper. I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day. Statistically half of these are driven by females, that's 18,000. In any given group of females, 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their period. That is 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding, that's 449. According to the National Institutes of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide, that's 98. And, 34% describe men as their biggest problem, that's 33. According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and the number is increasing.
That means, that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her period, and is armed.
No matter what she does in traffic, I wouldn't DREAM of flipping her off.
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive on the shoulder. This evidently pissed the driver off enough that he hung out his window and flipped the woman off. "Man, that guy is stupid" I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here's why.
I drive 38 miles each way, every day, to work. That's 76 miles, of these, 16 each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway. So, if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane. That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 34 miles is not bumper-to-bumper. I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day. Statistically half of these are driven by females, that's 18,000. In any given group of females, 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their period. That is 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding, that's 449. According to the National Institutes of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide, that's 98. And, 34% describe men as their biggest problem, that's 33. According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and the number is increasing.
That means, that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her period, and is armed.
No matter what she does in traffic, I wouldn't DREAM of flipping her off.
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Stephanie
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- Location: Glassboro, NJ
Men approve of premarital sex until daughters are born.
If a man appears sexy, caring and smart give him a day or two, He'll be back to his usual self.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
So she gets a divorce.
Marriage certificate?
It's just another name for her work permit.
When a newly married woman smiles, all know why, but when a ten-years married woman smiles, all wonder why.
"It was on this day two years ago that I lost my dear wife and children.
I will never forget that game of cards..."
Men lie about their jobs, drive cars they can't afford, wear toupees and loose shirts that hide their stomachs, and say they want a "real woman"...
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a mans sex drive by 90 percent.... Wedding cake!!!
Bigamy is having one husband too many.
Some say monogamy is the same.
If a man suggests that you take a break from vacuuming the living room and relax what it means is he can't hear the TV
If you think he's listening to you, you're wrong he's trying to convert what you just said into something with a sexual connotation
If a man had a thought in his head, it would get lonely!
If men got pregnant.... abortion would be available in convenience stores and drive-through windows.
Men are like roller coasters: when it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't... you can't wait to throw up.
Behind every great man is a woman with a vibrator
If he asks you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just practicing.
Scientist have finally discovered the chemical formula for Viagra.
1% Sodium
1% Iron
1% Phosphate
97% Fix-a-Flat
Remember; you are known by the idiot you accompany
Definition of a bachelor: A man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
Women don't make fools of men most of them are the "do-it-yourself" types.
The best reason to divorce or break-up with a man is for health reasons you're sick of him.
The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.
If a man appears sexy, caring and smart give him a day or two, He'll be back to his usual self.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
So she gets a divorce.
Marriage certificate?
It's just another name for her work permit.
When a newly married woman smiles, all know why, but when a ten-years married woman smiles, all wonder why.
"It was on this day two years ago that I lost my dear wife and children.
I will never forget that game of cards..."
Men lie about their jobs, drive cars they can't afford, wear toupees and loose shirts that hide their stomachs, and say they want a "real woman"...
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a mans sex drive by 90 percent.... Wedding cake!!!
Bigamy is having one husband too many.
Some say monogamy is the same.
If a man suggests that you take a break from vacuuming the living room and relax what it means is he can't hear the TV
If you think he's listening to you, you're wrong he's trying to convert what you just said into something with a sexual connotation
If a man had a thought in his head, it would get lonely!
If men got pregnant.... abortion would be available in convenience stores and drive-through windows.
Men are like roller coasters: when it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't... you can't wait to throw up.
Behind every great man is a woman with a vibrator
If he asks you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just practicing.
Scientist have finally discovered the chemical formula for Viagra.
1% Sodium
1% Iron
1% Phosphate
97% Fix-a-Flat
Remember; you are known by the idiot you accompany
Definition of a bachelor: A man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
Women don't make fools of men most of them are the "do-it-yourself" types.
The best reason to divorce or break-up with a man is for health reasons you're sick of him.
The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.
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mf_dolphin wrote:Lucky Lifesavers
Down in Florida, two women were talking and one asked the other, "Do you ever get that feeling of being really horny?"
"Yes," her friend replied.
"What do you do about it?"
"I usually suck on a Lifesaver."
After a moment of stunned silence her friend asked, "Well, what beach do you go to?"
Oh nice MF, real nice.
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mf_dolphin
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Dream Man
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him.
The young man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward them. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, for $100, on one condition."
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.
The young man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, took some money from his purse, and gladly pressed it into the young man's hand.
She looked deeply into his eyes and slowly and meaningfully said, "Clean my house."
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him.
The young man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward them. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, for $100, on one condition."
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.
The young man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, took some money from his purse, and gladly pressed it into the young man's hand.
She looked deeply into his eyes and slowly and meaningfully said, "Clean my house."
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