All Together Now: GROAN!
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TexasStooge
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- Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2003 1:22 pm
- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
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Dee Bee wrote:Two brooms were hanging in the closet, and after a while they got to know each other well. They decided to get married. One broom was, of course, the bride- broom, the other the groom- broom.
The bride- broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom-broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.
After the ceremony, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk
broom!!!"
"IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom. "WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"
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LaPlaceFF
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- Location: Gramercy, LA
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New Orleans (AP) - A seven-year-old was at the center of a New Orleans courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents, and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents, and he adamantly refused to live with her.When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they beat him, also.After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge, granted temporary custody to the New Orleans Saints,whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
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TexasStooge
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LaPlaceFF wrote:New Orleans (AP) - A seven-year-old was at the center of a New Orleans courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents, and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents, and he adamantly refused to live with her.When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they beat him, also.After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge, granted temporary custody to the New Orleans Saints,whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
GGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAANNNNNNN!!!!
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LaPlaceFF
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- Location: Gramercy, LA
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breeze wrote:LMBO, oh, I'm sorry, LaPlaceFF - I had to steal that
from you and change the city to Nashville, and, change the
team to the Tennessee Titans, and forward it to my
football pals! The Titans can't seem to beat anyone, either...
Thanks!
That's ok....It's one of those (insert hapless sports team name here) jokes
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LaPlaceFF
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- Location: Gramercy, LA
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Saints Jokes
Q: What's the difference between the New
Orleans Saints and the Taliban?
A: The Taliban has a running game!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do the New Orleans Saints count to 10?
A: 0-1, 0-2, 0-3, 0-4, 0-5, 0-6, 0-7, 0-8, 0-9, 0-10!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do the New Orleans Saints & Billy Graham
have in common?
A: They both can make 70,000 people stand up and
y ell "JESUS CHRIST!"
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep a New Orleans Saint out of
your yard?
A: Put up goal posts.
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Q: Where do you go in New Orleans in case of a
tornado?
A: To the Superdome - they never get a touchdown there!
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Q: What do you call a New Orleans Saint with a
SuperBowl ring?
A: A thief!
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Q: Why doesn't Baton Rouge have a professional
football team?
A: Because then New Orleans would want one.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why was Jim Haslett upset when the New Orleans
Saints playbook was stolen?
A: Because he hadn't finished coloring it.
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Q: What's the difference between the New Orleans
Saints and a dollar bill?
A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar.
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Q: How many New Orleans Saints does it take to
win a SuperBowl?
A: Noboby knows and we may never find out!
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Q: What do you call 47 people sitting around a TV
watching the SuperBowl?
A: The New Orleans Saints.
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Q: What do the New Orleans Saints and possums
have in common?
A: Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: How can you tell when the New Orleans Saints
are going to run the football?
A: Aaron Brooks leaves the huddle with tears in
his eyes.
Q: What's the difference between the New
Orleans Saints and the Taliban?
A: The Taliban has a running game!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do the New Orleans Saints count to 10?
A: 0-1, 0-2, 0-3, 0-4, 0-5, 0-6, 0-7, 0-8, 0-9, 0-10!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do the New Orleans Saints & Billy Graham
have in common?
A: They both can make 70,000 people stand up and
y ell "JESUS CHRIST!"
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep a New Orleans Saint out of
your yard?
A: Put up goal posts.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: Where do you go in New Orleans in case of a
tornado?
A: To the Superdome - they never get a touchdown there!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a New Orleans Saint with a
SuperBowl ring?
A: A thief!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why doesn't Baton Rouge have a professional
football team?
A: Because then New Orleans would want one.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why was Jim Haslett upset when the New Orleans
Saints playbook was stolen?
A: Because he hadn't finished coloring it.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between the New Orleans
Saints and a dollar bill?
A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many New Orleans Saints does it take to
win a SuperBowl?
A: Noboby knows and we may never find out!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call 47 people sitting around a TV
watching the SuperBowl?
A: The New Orleans Saints.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do the New Orleans Saints and possums
have in common?
A: Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: How can you tell when the New Orleans Saints
are going to run the football?
A: Aaron Brooks leaves the huddle with tears in
his eyes.
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O Town
- S2K Supporter
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- Age: 52
- Joined: Wed Sep 07, 2005 9:37 pm
- Location: Orlando, Florida 28°35'35"N 81°22'55"W
Exactley!! My brother sent me the same email with Dolphins in its place.LaPlaceFF wrote:breeze wrote:LMBO, oh, I'm sorry, LaPlaceFF - I had to steal that
from you and change the city to Nashville, and, change the
team to the Tennessee Titans, and forward it to my
football pals! The Titans can't seem to beat anyone, either...
Thanks!
That's ok....It's one of those (insert hapless sports team name here) jokes
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TexasStooge
- Category 5
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- Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2003 1:22 pm
- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
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A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"
Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the
intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you
earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of
coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of
my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of
mine!"
Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the
intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you
earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of
coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of
my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of
mine!"
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TexasStooge
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- Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2003 1:22 pm
- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
- Contact:
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TexasStooge
- Category 5
- Posts: 38127
- Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2003 1:22 pm
- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
- Contact:
One night last week I was going to bed when my wife pointed out that I'd stupidly left the light on in the garden shed. As I looked out of the window I noticed that there were several people in the shed, stealing our belongings. I immediately phoned the Police who told me that there was nobody in that vicinity and that they'd send somebody over as soon as they were available.
I said Fine then hung up. A minute later I rang back and said "Hi, I just called a minute ago regarding a burglary taking place in my shed. Well, I thought I'd let you know that there is no need to worry because I've just shot them all."
Three minutes later a dozen police vehicles and armed response personell were on my premises and naturally they caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the officers said - "Hey, I thought you said you'd shot them all?"
I responded - "I thought you said nobody was available!"
I said Fine then hung up. A minute later I rang back and said "Hi, I just called a minute ago regarding a burglary taking place in my shed. Well, I thought I'd let you know that there is no need to worry because I've just shot them all."
Three minutes later a dozen police vehicles and armed response personell were on my premises and naturally they caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the officers said - "Hey, I thought you said you'd shot them all?"
I responded - "I thought you said nobody was available!"
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TexasStooge
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My uncle once spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that he'd go to church on Sunday and sit at the back. During the service he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door.
On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the 10 commandments. He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out he waited until the sermon was over and went to talk to the minister.
"Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind."
The minister said, "Bless you my son. Was it when I started to preach thou shall not steal, that changed your heart?"
My uncle responded, "No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat."
On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the 10 commandments. He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out he waited until the sermon was over and went to talk to the minister.
"Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind."
The minister said, "Bless you my son. Was it when I started to preach thou shall not steal, that changed your heart?"
My uncle responded, "No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat."
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TexasStooge
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TexasStooge
- Category 5
- Posts: 38127
- Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2003 1:22 pm
- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
- Contact:
One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer.
However, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office.
The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly. The keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
The next morning, before the crowd arrives, the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.
However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he gets bored just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his.
Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.
At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla.
Well, this goes on for some time. The mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind.
Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"
However, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office.
The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly. The keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
The next morning, before the crowd arrives, the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.
However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he gets bored just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his.
Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.
At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla.
Well, this goes on for some time. The mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind.
Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"
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TexasStooge
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Thanksgiving day was approaching and the family had received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on their way to church. Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing: "The Pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers."
"Oh yeah?" her young grandson replied, "so why is their dad carrying that rifle?"
"Oh yeah?" her young grandson replied, "so why is their dad carrying that rifle?"
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TexasStooge
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- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
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An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.
When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.
Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?"
He replied, "To the kitchen."
She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
He replied, "Sure."
She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
He said, "No, I can remember that."
She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that."
He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily:
"I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"
When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.
Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?"
He replied, "To the kitchen."
She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
He replied, "Sure."
She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
He said, "No, I can remember that."
She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that."
He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily:
"I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"
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TexasStooge
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- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
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This was from early 70's, somebody wanted to
sell a sewing machine in the classified ads:
Monday
FOR SALE
R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 958-0707 after 7 p.m. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.
Tuesday
NOTICE We regret having erred in R. D. Jones’ ad yesterday. It should have read: One sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him after 7 p.m.
Wednesday
R. D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in his classified ad yesterday. His ad stands correct as follows:
FOR SALE - R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 p.m. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him.
Thursday
NOTICE
I, R. D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I SMASHED IT. Don’t call 948-0707, as the telephone has been taken out. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she quit.
sell a sewing machine in the classified ads:
Monday
FOR SALE
R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 958-0707 after 7 p.m. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.
Tuesday
NOTICE We regret having erred in R. D. Jones’ ad yesterday. It should have read: One sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him after 7 p.m.
Wednesday
R. D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in his classified ad yesterday. His ad stands correct as follows:
FOR SALE - R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 p.m. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him.
Thursday
NOTICE
I, R. D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I SMASHED IT. Don’t call 948-0707, as the telephone has been taken out. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she quit.
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TexasStooge
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- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
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At a picnic for a Catholic school, the Mother Superior stacked a pile of apples on one end of a table with a sign saying: "Take only one apple please -- remember, God is watching."
At the other end of the table, there was a large pile of delicious chocolate cookies, on which a third grade student had placed a sign saying:
"Take all the cookies you want -- God is watching the apples."
At the other end of the table, there was a large pile of delicious chocolate cookies, on which a third grade student had placed a sign saying:
"Take all the cookies you want -- God is watching the apples."
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TexasStooge
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A Frog Wants A Loan...
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog who says his name is Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
(you're gonna love this)
(its a real treat)
(a masterpiece)
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog who says his name is Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
(you're gonna love this)
(its a real treat)
(a masterpiece)
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)
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