"Hamwinkies" The Crazy News Thread

[TexasStooge]

Poachers accidentally flag their presence

KUALA LUMPUR (Reuters) - Vietnamese fishermen flying a Malaysian flag as a decoy while sailing in Malaysia's northeastern waters gave the game away by mistakenly flying it upside down.

This is an unusual mistake, because "Stripes of Glory" as the flag is known at home, carries a blue rectangle in its top left corner emblazoned with a yellow crescent and star, while red-and-white stripes alternate on the rest.

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Uhh...OOPS!!
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L.A. Zoo welcomes Reggie the alligator

LOS ANGELES (AP) - Reggie, the alligator that cruised an urban lake for nearly two years while eluding what were purported to be some of the world's best gator wranglers, was introduced to adoring fans on Thursday at his new home in the Los Angeles Zoo.

The 7 1/2-foot-long, 114-pound alligator was brought in to his own exhibit area to cheers and chants of "We want Reggie." Hundreds of people, many wearing Reggie T-shirts and alligator hats, watched as about a dozen handlers lugged the gator into the compound, his jaws wrapped up in a towel and duct tape.

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Crikey! We have Gators Galore!!!!!
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Firm sees big impact from enlarging condoms

By Kerstin Neuber

LONDON (Reuters) - British condom maker Futura Medical Plc said on Thursday that results of a study showed its new condom helped men have firmer and bigger erections, as well as a longer-lasting sexual experience.

Shares in the company, which specializes in sexual healthcare and pain relief, rose 14.5 percent to 59.25 pence on hopes the condom, which will be marketed by Durex condom-maker SSL International, could go on sale next year.

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Another study shows that people like me DON'T NEED TO KNOW THAT!!!!
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S.C man just misses second lottery win

CHESTER, S.C. (AP) - Francis Stephenson is a lucky man, almost incredibly lucky.

He has won $1.4 million with two winning Powerball lottery tickets. If he had just a little more luck — and got one more number right each time — he'd be more than $340 million richer.

Stephenson's latest big winner came Saturday when he matched the five white balls, but not the Powerball. He won $400,000, just missing the estimated $141 million jackpot.

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So close, yet so far.

[TexasStooge]

Jet set hit by Saint-Tropez helicopter crackdown

PARIS (Reuters) - Jet setters in Saint-Tropez may be grounded after French authorities limited helicopter flights to the exclusive resort following complaints about the noise.

The decision to close a helipad accounting for about 30 percent of helicopter traffic to Saint-Tropez came after abuses of an agreement to limit flights, said Francoise Souliman, an official in the regional administrative centre of Draguignan.

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Why don't ya get a set of headphones that freakin' cancells the noise?!?!
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Missing nude swimmer found under NY pier

LONG BEACH, N.Y. (AP) - A man who decided to go for a late night swim in the buff was found hours later by rescue crews, hiding under a pier not far from where he jumped in the water, authorities said Sunday.

Neal Mello, 37, of Brooklyn, was found around 5:30 a.m., and appeared to be in good physical condition but was "without the benefit of a swimsuit," the Coast Guard said in a release.

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Just swim fully clothed! If me and my friends can do that, you can.
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Montenegro shark scare has no teeth

PODGORICA (Reuters) - Reports of sharks off the Adriatic beaches of Montenegro have had little effect on bathers and tourists, local authorities said on Friday.

The sighting of a shark 10 days ago in the waters off the port of Bar at first prompted the local lifeguard to order all swimmers and divers out of the water, but they soon went back.

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Guess it is safe to go back in the waters.
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Title of choice urged for transsexuals

BANGKOK, Thailand (AP) - Mr., Mrs. or Ms.? Thailand may soon let people who have had a sex change officially alter their title, too.

A proposal which would allow transgender men or women to choose how they are addressed is being considered by the country's National Legislative Assembly to support an anti-discrimination provision in the draft constitution, Thai newspapers reported.

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I'm not willing to go that route. I'm wanting to marry a nice wife in the future and have kids.

[TexasStooge]

Blind driver caught again

TALLINN (Reuters) - An Estonian man who was caught driving a car even though he is blind has been at it again, police said on Monday, and this time he faces jail.

Police first arrested the man, 20, a week ago.

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Say WHAT?!?!
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Cat avoids blaze by hiding in couch

WEST ORANGE, N.J. - A New Jersey cat may have only eight lives left after it survived a house fire by hiding in the couch.

Firefighters initially thought the feline, who belonged to one of the tenants in the two-story house, had been killed by flames and smoke Saturday night. But after putting out the blaze and surveying the damage, they found the cat wedged into the couch.

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That's a REAL smart cat.
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Japanese biker fails to notice missing leg

TOKYO (Reuters) - A Japanese biker failed to notice his leg had been severed below the knee when he hit a safety barrier, and rode on for 2 km (1.2 miles), leaving a friend to pick up the missing limb.

The 54-year-old office worker was out on his motorcycle with a group of friends in the city of Hamamatsu, west of Tokyo, on Monday, when he was unable to negotiate a curve in the road and bumped into the central barrier, the Mainichi Shimbun said.

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He went out on a "limb".
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Grumpy groundhog disrupts museum tours

SAGINAW, Mich. - Tours at a 163-year-old home-turned-museum are sometimes disrupted by a grumpy groundhog. The furry critter's digging has foiled some of the Saginaw Valley Historic Preservation Society's attempts to refurbish the house on the city's east side.

"We put in a walkway, and part of that collapsed due to Grumpy's efforts," preservationist Thomas Mudd told The Saginaw News.

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You don't suppose is this grumpy groundhog from the Rozerem commercials, do you?

[TexasStooge]

Bloggers film under skirts, due in court

AMSTERDAM (Reuters) - Two Dutch news bloggers caught filming under women's skirts in a car park in order to warn the public of the intimate views afforded by see-through stairs must appear in court, according to their blog.

A court spokesman in Alkmaar, where the pair have been called to appear in October, said they had been charged with filming people without permission after someone complained. The bloggers say the women knew that they were being filmed.

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You can warn the public of "intimate views" in a different way, you know.
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Monkey apparently picks lock, escapes

TUPELO, Mississippi (AP) - A monkey that freed himself two weeks ago from a Mississippi zoo has escaped again, zoo officials said. Tupelo Buffalo Park and Zoo Manager Kirk Nemecheck and other employees noticed the white-faced capuchin's cage open and lock on the ground around 8:30 a.m. Monday.

Oliver and another capuchin named Baby were found wandering nearby. Workers easily captured Baby, but Oliver fled the park headed in the direction of the Tupelo Country Club, Nemecheck said.

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WOW! Can't stop the Monkey Biz!
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Crocodiles, cobras found in luggage

CAIRO (Reuters) - A Saudi passenger tried to smuggle a large number of reptiles, including cobra snakes and infant Nile crocodiles, out of Egypt in his luggage, Egypt's official Middle East News Agency (MENA) reported Sunday.

The discovery of the reptiles in the passenger's bags triggered a brief panic among security personnel at the Cairo International Airport, witnesses said.

[urlhttp://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20070813/od_nm/egypt_crocodiles_dc]Full Story Here[/url]
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(As Steve Irwin) "CRIKEY! This bloke's tryin' to sneak those animals past security!"
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Man pays big tax bill in coins, $1 bills

MUNCIE, Ind. (AP) - A landlord said he wanted people to see the pain of his property tax bill when he hauled $12,656.07 in coins and $1 bills to the county treasurer's office.

Cary Malchow said the heavy load left him "out of breath" but it was worth watching three cashiers working overtime and guarded by sheriff's deputies on Monday to count every last cent of the semi-annual payment for his home, business and rental properties.

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Yeah, Tax can be a real pain in the You-know-where.

[TexasStooge]

Fake dentist's 29-year career?

KUALA LUMPUR (Reuters) - Malaysian police have arrested a man who practiced as a dentist for 29 years although he had no medical training and treated patients at his home in a cast-off examining chair.

The impostor's closest brush with the dental profession was during the years 1962 to 1978, when he assisted an army dentist by carrying his bag on visits to plantation workers' homes, the New Straits Times reported Wednesday.

"I watched the doctor diagnose and treat problems with teeth," the paper quoted the unidentified man as saying when officials raided his home this week.

[urlhttp://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20070815/od_nm/malaysia_dentist_dc]Full Story Here[/url]
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No wonder that dentist doesn't know what he's doin'.
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Reggie the gator briefly flees new home

LOS ANGELES (AP) - You can't keep a good gator down. An alligator that became a celebrity after eluding trappers for nearly two years at an urban lake managed to escape from his new home at the Los Angeles Zoo on Wednesday. It was nearly opening time before Reggie was caught.

Keepers discovered the 7 1/2-foot gator was missing from his personal exhibit pond at around 7:30 a.m., and a search of every rock and bush proved he wasn't anywhere in the display.

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(As Steve Irwin) "CRIKEY! We can't seem to stay away from Gator Business!!"
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Chinese couple tried to name baby "@"

BEIJING (Reuters) - A Chinese couple tried to name their baby "@", claiming the character used in e-mail addresses echoed their love for the child, an official trying to whip the national language into line said on Thursday.

The unusual name stands out especially in Chinese, which has no alphabet and instead uses tens of thousands of multi-stroke characters to represent words.

"The whole world uses it to write e-mail, and translated into Chinese it means 'love him'," the father explained, according to the deputy chief of the State Language Commission Li Yuming.

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Again with the screen names...
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Woman faces charges after yelling chants

WAUKESHA. Wis. (AP) - A 42-year-old woman who describes herself as a Wiccan faces charges of disorderly conduct and resisting arrest after neighbors complained she was disturbing them with chants around a bonfire she had built 10 feet from her home.

Capt. Mike Babe said Brenna K. Barney of Waukesha told police they were infringing on her religious beliefs since she was performing a ritual under the new moon.

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Everyone has their freedoms of religion.

[TexasStooge]

Hear ye, hear ye, MP3...

LONDON (Reuters) - Britain's top lawyer decided on Thursday that no action would be taken against a Muslim woman accused of listening to an MP3 music player under her hijab while on jury duty.

The woman, who cannot be named for legal reasons, was thrown off the jury considering a murder trial when one of her fellow jurors reported seeing headphone wires coming out of her headscarf.

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Maybe she's bored with Jury Duty.
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Woman has rare identical quadruplets

By SARAH COOKE, Associated Press Writer

HELENA, Mont. - A 35-year-old Canadian woman has given birth to rare identical quadruplets, officials at a Great Falls hospital said Thursday. Karen Jepp of Calgary, Alberta, delivered Autumn, Brooke, Calissa and Dahlia by Caesarian section Sunday afternoon at Benefis Healthcare, said Amy Astin, the hospital's director of community and government relations.

The four girls were breathing without ventilators and listed in good condition Thursday, she said.

"These babies are doing grand," said Dr. Tom Key of Great Falls, the perinatologist who delivered the girls.

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The chances of that are literally millions to one.
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Man steals bus to pick up driver's license

HARARE (Reuters) - A Zimbabwe man stole a bus because he needed transport to pick up his driving license, state media reported Thursday.

The Herald newspaper said Stead Mashushire waited until the driver of a bus parked in a central Harare rank had gone to buy food before ordering all the passengers out and driving off in the vehicle.

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Wouldn't it be easier to transfer to another bus?
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Seat belt 'Heimlich' saves choking man

EUGENE, Ore. (AP) - A seat belt saved a driver, police say, but not in the usual way. Steven Earp, 48, was eating a fast-food sandwich Wednesday morning, said police Sgt. Doug Mozan. Earp choked and blacked out. His 1997 Honda sedan hit a parked car.

After the wreck, Earp came to.

Mozan attributed his revival to a "seat-belt-induced Heimlich maneuver."

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Well, you gotta do what you gotta do to save yourself.

[TexasStooge]

Diver is young fisherman's catch of the day

AMSTERDAM (Reuters) - A Dutch scuba diver became the surprise catch of the day for a 13-year-old boy fishing in the Netherlands when his hook got caught in the man's lip.

"I heard a sound on my head and immediately I felt a jerk on my lip," Wim van Huffelen, who had been swimming in the North Sea, was quoted as saying by Dutch newspaper De Telegraaf.

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You know what to do...throw him back in.
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It's breakfast on a stick at Ill. fair

SPRINGFIELD, Ill. (AP) - Mix one egg with other ingredients of choice. Put results on a stick. That's about all the recipe requirements involved at the Illinois State Fair's newest culinary contest, the battle to make the best breakfast on a stick.

The state's agriculture department and the American Egg Board deemed two entries worthy of first place Saturday. Beverly Cutler's sensational sunrise dippers — sausage, egg and cheese wrapped in a biscuit with a side of gravy — shared the top prize with Anthony Karas' bacon-wrapped savory buttermilk crepes.

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Some State Fairs will cook up ANYTHING!!
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Priest fined for early morning bell-ringing

AMSTERDAM (Reuters) - A Dutch priest has been fined 5,000 euros ($6,800) for ringing his church bells too loudly in the morning.

The Catholic priest began ringing the bells at just after seven in the morning soon after arriving in Tilburg about six months ago, a spokesman for the town council said.

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So, if people want to go to church early Sunday Morning and they're still asleep, how will they hear the bells?
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Cop cutout reminds drivers to slow down

SMYRNA, Tenn. (AP) - Hoping to deter speeders, a Tennessee town uses a lifelike body double to remind drivers that the police are watching.

A full-size corrugated plastic cutout of a real Smyrna police officer is pretty convincing to most drivers when they catch a glimpse of him pointing his radar gun on the side of a busy street.

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Not a bad idea...since the gigantic speed readers on the roads won't do any good.

[TexasStooge]

UAE father of 78 eyes new brides for century target

DUBAI (Reuters) - A one-legged Emirati father of 78 is lining up his next two wives in a bid to reach his target of 100 children by 2015, Emirates Today reported on Monday.

Daad Mohammed Murad Abdul Rahman, 60, has already had 15 brides although he has to divorce them as he goes along to remain within the legal limit of four wives at a time.

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Isn't that...overkill?!
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Gambler complains of urine-soaked seat

ELIZABETH, Ind. (AP) - A Kentucky man who was playing slot machines at the Caesars Indiana casino claims he sat in a chair soaked with urine left by a gambler who had just exited the seat.

Floyd Kibiloski, 60, of Fern Creek, Ky., filed a complaint with the Indiana Gaming Commission, saying a woman who had been playing the slot machine moments earlier had urinated in the chair at the southern Indiana casino.

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Oh, I don't need to know that! If the seat's wet, dry it off with a towel.
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Breathalyzer beckons for Spanish yacht owners

MADRID (Reuters) - Yacht owners in Spanish resorts may be breathalyzed after police found revelers were sailing home from parties to avoid being caught drink-driving.

Authorities in the southeastern region of Murcia say the number of alcohol-related accidents off its beaches has increased this summer. A person died in one collision.

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Seems Spain is following America's "Over The Limit, Under Arrest" program.
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Man rides mule from Minnesota to Wyoming

GILLETTE, Wyo. (AP) - He rode his mule into town looking for work.

No, it wasn't the opening scene of a Western movie. It was what Rod Maday did last week, ending a six-week odyssey from his hometown of Boy River, Minn.

"I've done about 1,500 miles and I've got the saddle sores to prove it," he said.

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I wonder how he manages to pull that stint off...

[TexasStooge]

Grave injury for drunk driver

BERLIN (Reuters) - A German woman on her way to pay respects to a dead relative plowed across the cemetery drunk in her car, smashing up headstones and tombs before she ground to a halt in someone's grave, police said Tuesday.

The woman drove into the graveyard in the southern town of Mitterteich on a track running through it but veered off as she struggled to control her vehicle, local police said.

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Looks like Germany may need to follow the "Over The Limit, Under Arrest" program.
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Bigamist ordered to give pig and buffalo

KUALA LUMPUR, Malaysia (AP) - A Malaysian villager who took a second wife has been ordered by a court to compensate his first wife and their children with a buffalo and a pig, an official said Wednesday.

The Native Court in Penampang district on Borneo island annulled the man's 10-year marriage to his first wife and granted her custody of their three children Tuesday, said District Native Court Chief Innocent Makajil, who presided over the panel deciding the case.

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That's why I need to marry only one woman.
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Indonesia district drops school virginity test plan

JAKARTA (Reuters) - A plan to carry out virginity tests on female high school students in a district in Indonesia's West Java province has been dropped after a public outcry, media reports said.

The head of Indramayu district, Irianto Syafiuddin, is reported to have made the proposal for virginity tests after a video showing two high school students having sex circulated via mobile phones.

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Some students rather have sex in High School. I say DIFFERENT!!
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Bird grilled, but lives to tell tale

BENTON TOWNSHIP, Mich. (AP) - A wild bird is little worse for wear after being hit by a car while crossing a road, then spending two days trapped behind the car's grille. Connie Ankli said she unknowingly drove around with the bird, believed to be a quail, inside her vehicle's front end. "Oh, I love grilled poultry. But I usually buy it at the store," she said.

The bird was recovering from its experience at the home of Frank Filmore, a technician at Kepner's Precision Auto Krafters in Berrien County's Benton Township, about 175 miles west of Detroit.

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Get it? "Grilled"!

[TexasStooge]

Paging Mr. Indiana Jones Wed

CAIRO (Reuters) - A German has handed in a package containing part of a Pharaonic carving to Egypt's embassy in Berlin, with a note saying his stepfather had suffered a "curse of the Pharaohs" for stealing it, Egypt said Wednesday.

The note said the man felt obliged to return the carving to make amends for his late stepfather and enable his soul to rest in peace, Egypt's Supreme Council for Antiquities said.

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Looks like a job for...Indiana Jones.
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Linebacker, 59, to play college ball

By JAIME ARON, AP Sports Writer

ALPINE, Texas (AP) - Mike Flynt was drinking beer and swapping stories with some old football buddies a few months ago when he brought up the biggest regret of his life: Getting kicked off the college team before his senior year. So, one of his pals said, why not do something about it?

Most 59-year-olds would have laughed. Flynt's only concern was if he was eligible.

Finding out he was, Flynt returned to Sul Ross State this month, 37 years after he left and six years before he goes on Medicare. His comeback peaked Wednesday with the coach saying he's made the Division III team's roster. He could be in action as soon as Sept. 1.

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I don't know hot it's gonna work out, but I'm wishing him all the best.
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Mattel sues stuff website over use of Barbie name

NEW YORK (Reuters) - Mattel Inc. sued a small company on Tuesday for using the toymaker's famed "Barbie" trademark as part of the name for a pornographic Web site it owned.

The lawsuit, filed in Manhattan federal court, said the Web site http://www.chinabarbie.com had used the Barbie trademark to capture the positive image Mattel had created through its "Barbie" products.

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How much you wanna bet that someone there was using that "Barbie Girl" song?
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Donor pays man's $1,200 runny toilet tab

COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo. (AP) - An anonymous donor paid $790 and the Colorado Springs Utilities forgave the remainder of a nearly $1,200 water tab billed to a man whose toilet malfunctioned while he was away for two months.

Les Cole, 82, who lives on a government pension, learned his bill was more than eight times his normal water usage. The anonymous donor contacted The Gazette Monday, asked to see the water bill, then went down to the utilities office and paid it, leaving Cole with a $10 credit.

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, but then again, everything happens for a reason.

[TexasStooge]

Murdered man taken to morgue in taxi

CARACAS (Reuters) - A Caracas family was forced to send a murdered son to the morgue in a taxi after waiting five hours for police who never arrived, Venezuelan media reported Wednesday.

Heavy rains threatened to wash away Kelvin Jose Pinango's body which was left near a creek in the poor 23 de Enero neighborhood after the 20-year-old was killed Monday in what appeared to be an attempt to steal his motorcycle, the newspaper El Universal reported.

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The Police were busy hunting the Grim Reaper express.
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Vick cards chewed by dogs are on eBay

By BRIAN CHARLTON, Associated Press Writer

Take some trading cards picturing a disgraced NFL superstar. Add some dog slobber and teethmarks. What do you get? The most valuable Michael Vick cards — by far — on eBay, that's what.

Collector Rochelle Steffen of Cape Girardeau, Mo., gave every Vick card she owned to her dogs and let them go to town on the images of the Atlanta Falcons quarterback who is scheduled to plead guilty to a federal dogfighting charge Monday.

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Vick shouldn't have done what he did.
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Tokyo housewife hid 1.7 million pounds in forex gains

TOKYO (Reuters) - A financially savvy Tokyo housewife who made 400 million yen (1.7 million pounds) trading in foreign exchange markets was fined on Friday for evading tax, a court official said.

Yukiko Ikebe, 60, got a suspended jail sentence and was fined 34 million yen, after she used relatives' names to make her gains look smaller and avoid paying tax, NHK said.

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You still gotta pay your taxes.
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Young antelope found playing with a dog

GREELEY, Colo. (AP) - A friendly young antelope found cavorting with a dog along a walking path was probably picked up illegally in Wyoming and may be too tame to return to the wild, wildlife authorities say. A family believed to have brought the animal to Colorado could face charges that carry fines and jail time, said Larry Rogstad, a district officer for the state Division of Wildlife.

The 3-month-old, 15-pound buck was spotted Wednesday morning, running and playing with a neighborhood dog named Skeeter along on the Poudre River trail, a path that runs through Greeley and the nearby town of Windsor.

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See, animals do get along with each other.

[TexasStooge]

Excuse me, I'd like to buy your B-52

MOSCOW (Reuters) - A wealthy Russian tried to buy a U.S. B-52 bomber from a group of shocked American pilots at an airshow near Moscow, a Russian newspaper reported Friday.

The unidentified Russian, wearing sunglasses and surrounded by bodyguards, approached the U.S. delegation and asked to buy the bomber, the Komsomolskaya Pravda newspaper said.

An astounded member of the U.S. delegation said the bomber was not for sale but that it would cost at least $500 million if it were to be sold on the spot.

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I think what he meant to ask for was the B-52's album collection.
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Some golfers angry over mandatory carts

By FRANK ELTMAN, Associated Press Writer

EAST MEADOW, N.Y. - A Long Island woman is boycotting her favorite course. A man in Florida has published a book and filed lawsuits to defend his rights. A former golf executive thinks the game, under these circumstances, shouldn't even be called golf.

"It ought to be called 'cart ball.' It isn't golf," said Sandy Tatum, a bona fide golf purist who once served as president of the U.S. Golf Association and won an NCAA golf championship at Stanford.

A growing number of cities and counties are mandating the use of electric or gas-powered carts, believing they are needed to speed play and therefore allow more golfers on the course.

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I'd be mad too if that were to happen to me. Besides, nobody can afford Golf Carts.
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Country to change time zone by 30 minutes

CARACAS (Reuters) - Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez has changed his country's name, redesigned its flag and rejigged its coat of arms in his drive for a socialist state.

Now the leftist reformer, highly popular for redistributing oil income, is seeking to move the country's time zone to offer a more equitable distribution of sunlight.

Venezuela in September will turn clocks back by 30 minutes as it switches time zones to boost the amount of natural light to residents, a government official said on Thursday.

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If I was the leader of the US, I'd leave the time zones as they are.

[TexasStooge]

Snatched sniffer dog found in park

MEXICO CITY (Reuters) - An elite Mexican sniffer dog kidnapped five days ago was found abandoned in a Mexico City park on Monday and reunited with its police handlers.

Working on a tip, federal police found Rex IV -- a highly trained Belgian Malinois sheepdog with a string of drug hauls to its name -- tied to a tree in a park in the gritty Iztapalapa neighborhood, a Public Security Ministry spokesman said.

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"Dog"gone it! The kidnappers are still on the loose.

Staying on the topic of dogs...
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Dogs to take over NY swimming pools

RAMAPO, N.Y. (AP) - Every dog has its day, and for those in this suburban town it's Sept. 9: That's when the pooches will have a pool party.

For the fourth year, Ramapo will mark the end of the dog days of summer with a canine swim at the town pools at the Spook Rock Park.

The event raises money for animal care, educates people about dogs, and gives the dogs a chance to have some doggone fun, organizers said Monday.

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That's when the Dog Days of Summer begin and end. As for the state of Texas, the Dog Days of Summer end on the last day of September.
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Trapped miners survive on coal, urine diet

BEIJING (Reuters) - Two Chinese brothers who tunnelled their way out of a coal mine collapse after being trapped for nearly six days survived by eating coal and drinking urine, a local newspaper reported Tuesday.

Brothers Meng Xianchen and Meng Xianyou became trapped while working at an illegal mine in Beijing's Fangshan District late Saturday, August 18, the latest in a series of disasters to strike the world's deadliest coal mining industry.

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Wayward emu corralled in parking lot

WEST BEND, Wis. (AP) - Attention, Wal-Mart shoppers: The emu in the parking lot is not for sale.

Employees of a Wal-Mart Supercenter used shopping carts to corral a wayward emu outside the store Monday about 6 a.m., West Bend police said.

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The wayward Emo....I mean...Emu.

[TexasStooge]

20 million risky condoms recalled

By Bate Felix

JOHANNESBURG (Reuters) - South Africa's health department said Tuesday it has recalled 20 million potentially defective condoms approved by an official accused of taking bribes from a manufacturer.

Unsafe sex is especially risky in South Africa, which has one of the world's highest HIV infection rates with an estimated 12 percent of its 47 million people infected with the virus.

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If that's what it takes for people to practice abstinence (except with their spouses), I'm all for it.
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Prison-yard pot plagues Japanese lockup

TOKYO (AP) - A Japanese prison is scrambling to eradicate marijuana plants that keep sprouting up on its exercise ground, officials said Tuesday.

The marijuana plants started sprouting at Abashiri Prison on Japan's northernmost island of Hokkaido about a year ago, said prison official Takeshi Okamura. He said officials plucked out as many as 300 marijuana plants and treated the ground last year, but several more sprouted again this year.

Prisoners reported them to the guards.

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There's only one way to do that...
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The latest in film publicity? A barf bag

By Bob Tourtellotte

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Here's one way to appeal to one segment of the youthful male market so beloved by film producers -- package your DVD with its own "barf bag."

Genius Products home entertainment is including a paper bag with each copy of its new "Dirty Sanchez" DVD of outlandish pranks and stunts performed by a troupe of four British men who go by the same name.

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Teen loses prosthetic hand left on bike

LONDON (AP) - Teenager Jack Baker had only planned to visit his girlfriend for 10 minutes. So he parked his motorcycle outside her home and left his prosthetic hand gripped to its handlebar.

When he came back outside two hours later, the hand was gone, apparently taken by a thief or a prankster who found it more interesting to make off with than the bike.

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...or maybe someone was taking that "Lend A Hand" statement too seriously.

[TexasStooge]

Man loses top of his head in brain operation

BERLIN (Reuters) - A German court has awarded 3,000 euros ($4,100) in damages to a man who had to have the top of his skull replaced with plastic because of a faulty hospital fridge.

Doctors removed the top of the man's head and put it in cold storage while they operated on his brain, the court in the western city of Koblenz said Tuesday.

Because the refrigerator was defective, the section of skull was not kept cool enough and could not be reattached. Doctors replaced the bone with a plastic prosthesis.

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Gives a whole new meaning to "A little off the top".
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Colo. school bans tag on its playground

COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo. (AP) - An elementary school has banned tag on its playground after some children complained they were harassed or chased against their will.

"It causes a lot of conflict on the playground," said Cindy Fesgen, assistant principal of the Discovery Canyon Campus school.

Running games are still allowed as long as students don't chase each other, she said.

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If you don't wanna play tag, don't play tag, but don't ruin it for others.
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"Twins" split by 21-year-old bungle

BEIJING (Reuters) - Chinese "twins" have sued a hospital over an apparent mix up of babies 21 years ago until they were reunited by chance and neighbors' complaints.

With the same deep-set eyes and broad mouths, Xiang Nan and Wang Yiwen went to court in Beijing wearing identical jeans and check shirts, demanding redress from a hospital they said 21 years ago mixed up Xiang with another baby, the Beijing Times reported on Wednesday.

That baby grew up as Wang Yiwu, believing he was Wang Yiwen's twin brother.

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Don't be such a "baby" about it.

Staying in the "baby" topic...
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NYC baby born with 12 fingers, 12 toes

NEW YORK (AP) - Jeshuah Fuller's parents expected him to be born with extra fingers. The extra toes, though, were a surprise.

Jeshuah, healthy and weighing 7 pounds, was born in Brooklyn on Tuesday with 12 fingers and 12 toes. His rare condition, called polydactylism, is usually genetic.

His dad was born with an extra finger on his left hand. His mom, Quana Morris, said she'd had an ultrasound image taken during her pregnancy and knew the baby would have extra fingers.

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"12 finger little bee, busy, busy, busy".
"High-6!"

[TexasStooge]

Cars smash up man's home for 10th time

BERLIN (Reuters) - A German man said Thursday he feared he may have built his own tomb after a vehicle ploughed into his house for the 10th time.

"If we stay, someone's eventually going to kill us. We're living in a time bomb," Manfred Sedlazek, 59, told Reuters.

Sedlazek is reluctant to leave the house he built himself, which is on a bend of a busy road, but said it may be his only chance of survival.

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Has the house become a magnet for those vehicles?!?!
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Shrimp boat captain delivers baby at sea

FREEPORT, Texas (AP) - When the cook on his shrimp boat went into labor 30 miles offshore, captain Ed Kiesel grabbed a new roll of paper towels and a first aid handbook and did the best he could.

He successfully delivered Cindy Preisel's baby boy, even though the baby's feet emerged first.

"I'm no doctor, but even I knew that's not supposed to happen," Kiesel said.

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When it comes to births, you gotta be ready.
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'Virgin chicken' off the menu in Beijing

BEIJING (AP) - Hungry visitors to next summer's Beijing Olympics won't have to choose between "steamed crap" and "virgin chicken" if Chinese authorities succeed in ridding restaurant menus of mangled English translations.

The Beijing Tourism Bureau has released a list with 2,753 proposed names for dishes and drinks, designed to replace bizarre and sometimes ridiculous translations on menus, the official Xinhua News Agency reported Friday.

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Because many people mistaken "Virgin Chicken" for...nevermind.
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Student suspended over stadium prank

HILLIARD, Ohio (AP) - A high school student who tricked football fans from a crosstown rival into holding up signs that together spelled out, "We Suck," was suspended for the prank, students said.

Kyle Garchar, a senior at Hilliard Davidson High School in suburban Columbus, said he spent about 20 hours over three days plotting the trick, which was captured on video and posted on the video-sharing Web site YouTube. He said he was inspired by a similar prank pulled by Yale students in 2004, when Harvard fans were duped into holding up cards with the same message.

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Sounds like any "Mad TV" character we know?

VANCOME LADY: Gimme a "You"!
FOOTBALL TEAM: YOU!
VANCOME LADY: Gimme a "Suck"!
FOOTBALL TEAM: S--

[TexasStooge]

After a nice 72-hour break, the weirdness starts back up again.
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Minks freed from cages, farmers give chase

HELSINKI (Reuters) - Farmers and other locals were chasing thousands of minks let out of their cages at a fur farm in western Finland early on Friday by suspected animal rights activists.

About half the 2,500 minks released from unlocked cages in Mustasaari, 400 km (250 miles) northwest of Helsinki, had been recaptured by 1000 GMT, but it could take several days to round up the others, police said.

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They don't wanna be turned into Mink coats, I presume.
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Sand castle dispute pits S.C. and Maine

MYRTLE BEACH, S.C. (AP) - The man who currently holds the world's record for the tallest sand castle is pouring cold sea water on Myrtle Beach's attempt to dethrone him.

Ed Jarrett, from Casco, Maine, said the 43-foot castle built in June in Myrtle Beach failed to follow Guinness World Records guidelines that ban using machinery and require the structure to be taller than it is wide.

"Myrtle Beach doesn't meet the criteria," Jarrett said. "You can't just pile up a bunch of sand, build a small castle on top of that pile, and call it a record."

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Can't we all just take a permanent vacation from the disputes?!?!
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Three bears, now lion, try to leave zoo

ALMATY (Reuters) - A lion escaped from its cage at a Kazakh zoo over the weekend, the second such incident in a month, news media reported Monday.

The six-year-old lion called Adam sneaked out of his cage through a door that had been accidentally left open, Kazakhstan Today news agency reported.

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Lions, and Tigers, and Bears, and Minks! Oh, my!!!
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Yard art is in eye of beholder and court

CHESTERFIELD, Mo. (AP) - For Dwight DeGolia's neighbors, the last straw was the fake palm trees.

The 62-year-old retiree had spent years fixing up the sliver of sloping land outside his home, adding two putting greens that were almost 30 feet long, a small creek and a gazebo.

Then he added 50 tons of beach sand to complete the illusion of a tropical golf vacation, as well as a portable golf hitting cage and a bar with a pergola roof.

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Another day, another neighbor complaining about everything...

[TexasStooge]

Airline sacrifices goats to appease sky god

KATHMANDU (Reuters) - Officials at Nepal's state-run airline have sacrificed two goats to appease Akash Bhairab, the Hindu sky god, following technical problems with one of its Boeing 757 aircraft, the carrier said Tuesday.

Nepal Airlines, which has two Boeing aircraft, has had to suspend some services in recent weeks due the problem.

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Beware of Flying Goats!!
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That's not a birdie, that's an emu

ELMA, Wash. (AP) - Every golfer likes a birdie, even more so an eagle. But an emu? The big bird that showed up Tuesday at Oaksridge Golf Course was another matter, at least for Sue McMeekin of Satsop and Les Bell of Montesano.

The flightless bird, second in size among avians to the ostrich, followed the pair for seven of their nine holes, watching each swing and sometimes walking between them or standing directly in front of them. The emu seemed to take special interest in McMeekin's red fleece jacket.

"It was strange," McMeekin said. "She's awful big and she made me nervous."

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Now my score pad is messed up!
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Fashion war on taxi slobs

KUALA LUMPUR (Reuters) - Malaysia is cracking down on shabbily dressed taxi-drivers, fining them for not tucking in their shirts or for wearing shoes of the wrong color.

Malaysia's lowly paid tax-drivers are supposed to wear white shirts, dark trousers and black shoes, but in reality passengers are happy if they can just persuade them to use the meter.

But the Commercial Vehicle Licensing Board is out to make a fashion statement, the Star newspaper said Monday, quoting its chairman as saying drivers had to present a professional image.

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We got some Real Life Fashion Police!!
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Side show 'freak' wants to be a lawyer

NEW YORK (AP) - A tattoo-covered Coney Island side show performer who specializes in eating nails says he's found a new calling: becoming a lawyer. "I know it sounds weird, but I want to be a freak lawyer," the man known for 15 years as "Eak the Geek" told the newspaper am New York in an article published Tuesday.

"I hope to have a little office in New York and work with the alternative people, all the so-called riffraff, to give them legal representation that is not judgmental."

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I don't want him as my Lawyer, otherwise he's gonna tatoo "Guilty".

[TexasStooge]

Truth stranger than fiction as author jailed

WARSAW (Reuters) - A Polish crime writer has been jailed for 25 years after authorities found he had committed a murder that had been described in one of his thrillers, officials said Wednesday.

In his 2003 book "Amok," Krystian Bala described in detail the brutal murder of a Polish businessman.

Police found that the fictional crime had similarities with a case in 2000 when a body was fished out of the river Oder in the town of Wroclaw, near the German border.

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Life imitates art, I suppose.
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Mama moose bashes through woman's door

POCATELLO, Idaho (AP) - Anita Ovard moved to her small home in this town in the western foothills of the Rocky Mountains because she wanted to see more wildlife. But the view got a little too close when a moose decided to make itself at home in her front room.

Ovard spotted two baby moose in her yard when she pulled into the driveway Tuesday. She immediately started looking for the mother moose, spotting the massive animal just before it plowed through her storm door and front door.

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Cars crashing through a house isn't enough...
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Leech invasion makes Japan residents see red

TOKYO (Reuters) - Long confined to the mountains, Japanese leeches are invading residential areas, causing swelling, itching and general discomfort with their blood-thirsty ways.

Yamabiru, or land leeches, have become a problem in 29 of Japan's 47 prefectures, according to the Institute for Environmental Culture, a private research facility in Chiba prefecture, east of Tokyo.

The little suckers are riding into towns and villages, hitching lifts on deer and boar whose numbers have grown due to re-forestation and dwindling rural populations.

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Shoppers browse unstaffed Colorado store

NORTHGLENN, Colo. (AP) - They could have left the tree completely bare. But some honest shoppers at an unstaffed Dollar Tree store must have decided that honesty was the best policy while searching for bargains on Labor Day.

About 15 shoppers walked through the front doors of a closed Dollar Tree store Monday after a lock on the doors malfunctioned.

They also didn't see, or ignored, a sign on the doors indicating the store was closed for the holiday.

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Who the heck was supposed to watch that store anyways?

[TexasStooge]

Woman fired for talking back to her boss

BEIJING (Reuters) - A Chinese woman is suing her former employer after falling victim to the company policy of firing staff who contradict their boss three times, local media reported on Thursday.

HWA-1 Enterprise Co Ltd, a light industrial manufacturer based in China's southeastern port city of Xiamen, sacked a woman surnamed Ni for refusing to pay fines she incurred for talking back to superiors, Xinhua news agency said, citing a local newspaper.

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Now how is she gonna pay her fines?
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Woman accused of giving 9-year-old gin

BLOOMINGTON, Minn. (AP) - Police said a 9-year-old girl told them her grandmother poured her two drinks from a gin bottle while she was watching TV.

Bloomington Police Commander Jim Ryan said the girl remembers vomiting, hitting her head and blacking out about 1 p.m. Aug. 31. Ryan said the girl's mother was working a 12-hour shift at the time and was out of the house.

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Oh geez!! What did she do, say that the gin is Apple juice?!?!
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Adulterers beware - or pay the price

BOGOTA (Reuters) - Married Colombians engaged in passionate extra-curricular activities may soon have to think twice about their philandering ways if a senator's proposed legislation punishing adultery gets the green light.

Sen. Edgar Espindola said he has proposed a law that would impose fines and enforced community service as punishment for adulterers in an effort to protect family values and shield children from broken homes.

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Rent a hotel if you're that bad off.
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65-year-old gets carded in supermarket

FARMINGTON, Maine (AP) - A 65-year-old woman who went into a Farmington supermarket to buy wine was turned away because she didn't have an ID with her. But Barbara Skapa of Mount Vernon says that won't happen again.

"I'll be bringing my driver's license with me from now on," Skapa said.

She normally carries her license. But with her leg in a cast, Skapa was being driven by a friend when she went into the Hannaford Bros. market last week in and picked up several items, including a few bottles of wine.

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In other words, the store owners are saying that she's not who she is.