"Hamwinkies" The Crazy News Thread

[TexasStooge]

Roller coaster makes unscheduled New Year stop

BEIJING (Reuters) - A roller coaster stalled at the top of a loop at China's biggest amusement park, leaving passengers stranded upside down, their legs pointed toward the sky.

Eighteen passengers were left hanging for half an hour several meters above the park on New Year's Eve Monday in the eastern province of Anhui, the China Daily said.
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So now that so-called "Y2k Bug" has kicked in?
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Couple hits bigger lottery than thought

BAD AXE, Mich. (AP) - A lucky couple expecting to cash in their winning Michigan Lottery ticket became a bit peeved when a store clerk turned down their request.

Bad Axe gas station and convenience store owner Eli Kabban said the man and woman showed up Wednesday morning with what they thought was a $150 winning ticket they'd bought Friday.
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Even when everything goes wrong trying to cash the winning ticket, it seems right.
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Anti-smoking chief breaks ban on Day 1

LISBON (Reuters) - The head of the Portuguese agency responsible for enforcing a new ban on smoking in public was seen lighting up at a New Year party, breaking the law on the first day it came into effect.

Antonio Nunes, president of Portugal's food standards agency, was photographed by the daily Diario de Noticias smoking a cigar at a casino on the outskirts of Lisbon.
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Uhh...OOPS!!!
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Wisconsin seeks a less cheesy image

By RYAN J. FOLEY, Associated Press Writer

MADISON, Wis. - America's Dairyland wants you to know it's not just full of cheeseheads — and it's taking the mission seriously.

State lawmakers and the Department of Tourism are trying to come up with a new "brand" to explain why they think Wisconsin is a good place to visit, live and do business.
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Then make it "a place to get Hamwinkies".
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'Hearty eater' claims buffet banned him

HOUMA, La. (AP) - A 6-foot-3, 265-pound man says a restaurant overcharged him for his trips to the buffet line, then banned him and a relative because they're hearty eaters. A spokesman for the restaurant denies the claim.

Ricky Labit, a disabled offshore worker, said he had been a regular for eight months at the Manchuria Restaurant in Houma, eating there as often as three times a week.
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This story is so baffeling, I don't know who to believe anymore.

[TexasStooge]

Dentists win Lacoste crocodile logo battle

By Peter Griffiths

LONDON (Reuters) - Two dentists have won a second legal battle with French fashion giant Lacoste over the right to use a toothy crocodile on the sign outside their surgery, the government trademark body said on Thursday.

Dentists Dr Simon Moore and Dr Tim Rumney said they chose a crocodile for their logo because the reptile is famous for having a mouth full of teeth.
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And I suppose they're gonna sue "The Soup" for placing a pig on a Hamwinkies pack.
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NYC couch potato contest lasts

NEW YORK (AP) - A Manhattan librarian emerged as a champion couch potato after three rivals gave in to sleep deprivation or nature's call.

Stan Friedman won the ESPN Zone Ultimate Couch Potato Competition, which began Tuesday morning at the ESPN Zone restaurant in Times Square. The event ended Wednesday afternoon after more than 29 grueling hours of continuous sports viewing — mainly college football bowl games and endless highlights loops.
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I wonder what happens next...next time, we're controlling what they watch?
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"Stock" beats "sex" in keyword searches

BEIJING (Reuters) - The names of three banks and the word "stocks" beat "sex" to become four of the most Googled words in China last year, according to a Google China list seen on Thursday.

China Merchants Bank, Industrial and Commercial Bank of China and China Construction Bank ranked second, third and sixth, according to a list supplied by Google China on its website (http://www.google.cn).
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I'm sure there are more important things in life than sex.
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2 women stuck in elevator for 2 days

NILES, Ill. (AP) - Two cleaning women, trapped inside a broken elevator for two days, survived on two cough drops and six aspirin until they were rescued.

Beata Bartoszewicz and her mother, Roma Borowski, entered an elevator in an empty building in this Chicago suburb on Dec. 22. After the elevator doors closed, the women discovered they were stuck on the first floor of the two-story building.
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Don't make me do another "Trapped In The Closet" parody.

[TexasStooge]

Tough street-racing law nabs 85-year-old

By Natalie Armstrong

TORONTO (Reuters) - A new law meant to help crack down on young Canadian street racers in their souped up cars has nabbed an octogenarian in his Oldsmobile.

The 85-year-old man is one of 2,300 drivers across Ontario to be charged under new legislation, designed to combat "street racing, stunts and contests," since it came into effect three months ago -- and he's the oldest.
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He must've been married to the "Little Ol' Lady From Pasadena".
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GM envisions driverless cars on horizon

By TOM KRISHER, AP Auto Writer

DETROIT - Cars that drive themselves — even parking at their destination — could be ready for sale within a decade, General Motors Corp. executives say.

GM, parts suppliers, university engineers and other automakers all are working on vehicles that could revolutionize short- and long-distance travel. And Tuesday at the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas GM Chief Executive Rick Wagoner will devote part of his speech to the driverless vehicles.
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Just sit back, relax, and pray that the driverless cars don't have glitches in them.
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Snacking on a wing and a prayer

CHICAGO (Reuters) - A Chicago tavern said on Thursday it will begin selling chicken wings coated in one of the world's hottest peppers -- a dish so hot that patrons first have to sign a waiver agreeing not to sue for injuries.

Jake Melnick's Corner Tap said the wings made with Red Savina pepper will be served with an alarm bell for patrons to summon waiters with sour cream, milk sugar and white bread if things get out of hand.
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Hey, I'd eat those wings...if I hadn't reached my limit when it comes to hot stuff.
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Snow damages Moondance Diner

GREEN RIVER, Wyo. (AP) - The Moondance Diner made it safely through a 2,100-mile trek west from New York City, but it was no match for a Wyoming winter.

Heavy snow damaged the roof and walls of the historic eatery this past week.

New owners Cheryl and Vince Pierce said they'll continue repairs and renovations, and hope to open it later this year in LaBarge, a town of about 500 at the base of the Rocky Mountains, the Casper Star-Tribune reported Saturday.
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That's what I hate about winter...

[TexasStooge]

224,000 fake anti-impotence pills seized

PARIS (Reuters) - French customs officials have intercepted a shipment of 224,000 fake Viagra and Cialis anti-impotence pills worth 2.4 million euros ($3.5 million), the Budget Ministry said Monday.

The copies of the bestselling drugs were found on December 18 during a search at the French capital's main air hub at Roissy, in a freight cargo on its way to Brazil from India.
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Anoither reason why I don't take Viagra.
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Dog saves boy from fire by biting foot

PORTAGE, Ind. (AP) - A black Labrador that bit a 13-year-old boy's foot repeatedly, waking him up, is being credited with saving the boy and two of his friends from a house fire. Christopher Peebles said he woke up Friday morning to feel his dog Laney biting his foot repeatedly in the basement of his family's home, where he and two friends had spent the night.

"I thought she had to go to the bathroom, but she never bites me," Peebles said Friday.
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When I was still in high school, my cats bit me early in the morning, only to tell me that they're hungry...at 3:00 IN THE MORNING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Motorist banned after driving 10 mph on motorway

By Avril Ormsby

LONDON (Reuters) - A woman banned from driving for seven days after traveling at speeds of less than 10mph on the motorway told Reuters on Friday: "that road's my nemesis." Stephanie Cole, 58, of Fishponds, Bristol, straddled the hard shoulder and inside lane as she dawdled along a stretch of the M32 near her home last August.

In the back window of the car was a sign which said: "I don't do fast, please overtake."
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Well, you're gonna have to go fast one way or another.
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Rapper's name change quite an experience

AKRON, Ohio (AP) - You can refer to him officially now as Mr. Experience. Daniel Michael Miller II is history. The former Dan Miller, 24, has legally changed his name to "The" Dan Miller Experience. His first name is "The" Dan, with the quotation marks. His middle name is Miller and his last name is Experience.

About 300 people petitioned the Summit County Probate Court last year to change a name, and Experience was one of the few who was called in to explain why he wanted an unusual name. The Akron musician and rapper did so, and last month the change became official.
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And in the future, he's gonna change his name to "The Artist Formerly Known As Dan Miller II" and then "The Artist Formerly Known As The Artist Formerly Known As The Artist Formerly Known As The Artist Formerly Known As The Artist Formerly Known As The Artist Formerly Known As The Artist Formerly Known As (takes deep breath) The Artist Formerly Known As The Artist Formerly Known As Dan Miller II"

[TexasStooge]

These guys have got to be hustlers...

PRAGUE (Reuters) - Two Czechs stuck in a billiard table while searching for a ball had to call the fire squad and were freed only when rescuers took the table apart, a newspaper reported Tuesday.

At first, the two players in the western Czech city of Karlovy Vary thought it was funny when both of their hands became trapped inside the table. But panic struck when they could not free themselves, daily Lidove Noviny reported.
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Those cue-balls didn't know what they were in for.
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Woman, 80, shoots lion to protect dog

FAIRBURN, S.D. (AP) - Acting to protect her dog, 80-year-old Martha Smith killed a mountain lion at her home along French Creek near Fairburn. She missed with her first shot, went into the house to call 911, then went back outside with a .22-caliber rifle.

"And he was a spittin' and a growlin'," said Smith. "All I saw was flashing eyes and teeth. And I knew I was gonna have to kill him if I could."
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Lions, and Rifles, and Dogs! Oh, my!!
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Newborns visit relatives as cuddly rice bags

TOKYO (Reuters) - New-born babies in Japan who can't make it around to visit all their relatives can now send them proxies instead - cuddly bags of rice.

A small rice shop in Fukuoka, southern Japan, has been swamped with orders for "Dakigokochi" rice-filled bags shaped like a bundled baby and printed with the new-born's face and name.
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Like that's really gonna comfor their relatives. RIGHT!!!
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Official fired for mother's lavish funeral

BEIJING (Reuters) - A Chinese official has been sacked from his Communist Party post and demoted for putting on an over-lavish funeral for his mother, state media said on Tuesday.

Xie Pingfa, former director of a highway administration in the southern province of Guangdong, was punished for violating Party rules on "self-discipline and integrity for officials and cadres," the China Daily said.
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You don't have to make a funeral Glamorous, just make it decent enough.
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China scurries to contain mice on U.S. flight

BEIJING (Reuters) - The United States, concerned about tainted imports from China, has exported its own batch of potentially harmful goods to Beijing in the form of mice on a flight from Washington, state media said Tuesday.

Chinese inspectors found eight mice, dead and alive, on a United Airlines flight to Beijing after the airline reported the stowaways to local quarantine officials upon landing on Sunday afternoon, Xinhua news agency said.
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What do you expect? They are Three Blind Mice!

[TexasStooge]

What are you doing here? - man asks wife at brothel

WARSAW (Reuters) - A Polish man got the shock of his life when he visited a brothel and spotted his wife among the establishment's employees. Polish tabloid Super Express said the woman had been making some extra money on the side while telling her husband she worked at a store in a nearby town.

"I was dumfounded. I thought I was dreaming," the husband told the newspaper Wednesday.
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I'm sure she has an explaination.
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Man's death goes unnoticed in Sydney

SYDNEY, Australia (AP) - A man lay dead in his apartment in Australia's largest city for a year before anyone noticed, officials and news reports said Thursday.

The body of Jorge Chambe, 64, was found on Tuesday in his single bedroom, government-owned flat in the Sydney suburb of Yagoona when police and firefighters broke in, after concerns about his welfare were finally raised.
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I bet his rent is a year overdue, otherwise, he would've been evicted after 5 months...or is that manager too lazy to notice?
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Bird dog steps on gun, kills hunter

HOUSTON (Reuters) - A Houston-area man was killed in a hunting accident after his dog stepped on a loaded shotgun in the back of a pick-up truck, triggering a blast that pierced the vehicle and the hunter's leg, a local sheriff said.

Perry Price, a 46-year-old math teacher, shot a goose on Saturday then put his gun in the back of the truck where the dog was waiting to retrieve the bird.
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Never put a gun where somebody or some pet can sit on it.
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Crew find 8 baby mice aboard airplane

BEIJING (AP) - Eight baby mice were found aboard a United Airlines flight from Washington but tests showed they were free of dangerous viruses, the Chinese government said Thursday.

The crew found the mice in a pillowcase that was located in a bin for unused pillows, Robin Urbanski, a spokeswoman for Chicago-based United, said Wednesday. No passengers were on board at the time, she said.
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I think the mice were trying to get away from the dangerous viruses.

[TexasStooge]

FBI wiretap cut off for unpaid bill

By Randall Mikkelsen

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - A telephone company cut off an FBI international wiretap after the agency failed to pay its bill on time, according to a U.S. government audit released on Thursday.

The Justice Department's inspector general faulted the FBI for poor handling of money used in undercover investigations, which it said made the agency vulnerable to theft and mishandled invoices.
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Even the FBI has its follies...but none like this.
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Couple find nearly $12K in 'cold cash'

JANESVILLE, Wis. - A Janesville couple are hoping they will be allowed to keep the nearly $12,000 in cash they found in their refrigerator when they moved into an apartment.

"It would be a very big help," said Colleen Mesler, 65. "We've been waiting and waiting, and nobody's called to claim it. Other people have found money and got to keep it."
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This gives a whole new meaning to "cold cash"...literally.
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Woman lived for months with dead partner

VIENNA (Reuters) - A 66-year-old Austrian woman lived for almost a year with the corpse of her 85-year-old partner, APA news agency said Wednesday.

Police found the remains of the man in the couple's small vacation cottage in the eastern village of St Andrae am Zicksee Tuesday, swaddled in blankets with the dwelling reeking of decomposition odors.
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Another day, another dead body lying for a prolonged time in an apartment.
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Old passbook is no ticket to riches

By PAUL FOY, Associated Press Writer

SALT LAKE CITY - Sorry, George, it's not your money. The Utah Court of Appeals gave the bad news to an 86-year-old lawyer who stumbled across a decades-old bank passbook showing a balance of $150,000.

George B. Handy was named as the trustee on the passbook, but the court ruled Thursday that evidence suggests the account belonged to somebody else who cashed out long ago.
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So close, and yet so far.

[TexasStooge]

Twins separated at birth met and married

LONDON (Reuters) - A couple discovered after they had married that they were twins who had been split up at birth and adopted by separate families, according to a member of Britain's House of Lords.

British peer David Alton recounted the story to parliament last month to support his argument that artificially conceived children should be told who their biological parents are.
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Maury! We got more DNA drama for ya!!
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24-foot snake staying at Columbus Zoo

COLUMBUS, Ohio (AP) - Fluffy, a 24-foot python billed as the largest snake in captivity, is staying put to lure visitors into the Columbus Zoo and Aquarium.

The zoo paid $35,000 to the snake's breeder in Oklahoma to keep the reticulated python on permanent display. While on loan last year, the python helped draw 1.53 million visitors, just under the zoo's attendance record of 1.56 million set in 2006, said Pete Fingerhut, the zoo's associate director.
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Well, you gotta do what you can to attract customers.
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Boss fires staff for not smoking

BERLIN (Reuters) - The owner of a small German computer company has fired three non-smoking workers because they were threatening to disturb the peace after they requested a smoke-free environment.

The manager of the 10-person IT company in Buesum, named Thomas J., told the Hamburger Morgenpost newspaper he had fired the trio because their non-smoking was causing disruptions.
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Oh no, he didn't!
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NY doctor's home burns; citations follow

WEST HEMPSTEAD, N.Y. - An obstetrician saved his wife and six children from a fire that ravaged their home, delivered a baby while the house was still smoldering and then got cited with building violations.

Dr. Herman Weiss said Friday "was just my day."

The 37-year-old awoke around 3 a.m. to the screech of a smoke detector and the sight of flames inching up an outside wall of his Long Island home. He got his family to safety, then was paged and went to a hospital to deliver an infant around 6 a.m.
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Even his patients that heard the news has gone insane.

PATIENT (crying on camera): And how (bleep) dare anyone out there say anything bad about Dr. Herman Weiss after all he's been through! (Wipes tear with bottle of meds) HE'S A HUMAN!!!!!!!
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Man accidentally hangs self in amateur stunt

VANCOUVER, British Columbia (Reuters) - A man was recovering in a Vancouver-area hospital after an attempt to film a mock hanging as a stunt accidentally became the real thing, police said on Thursday.

The 23-year-old man thought he had protected himself by wearing a harness when he went to a suburban park on Wednesday to have a friend record him dangling lifelessly from a tree, the Royal Canadian Mounted Police said.
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Had he gone any further and he would've been the next Darwin Awards nominee.

[TexasStooge]

Man goes out window with Christmas tree

BERLIN (Reuters) - A German man threw himself out of an apartment window along with a Christmas tree during a late-night attempt to dispose of his festive decorations.

The man fell 22 feet after he lost his balance throwing the tree onto the street Saturday, police in the western city of Moenchengladbach said. The tree did not break the victim's fall
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Another day, another Darwin Award nominee.
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Water buffalo gores 4 in Vietnam rampage

HANOI, Vietnam (AP) - An enraged water buffalo went on an hour-long rampage in northern Vietnam, goring four people and destroying food stalls before being shot to death by police, officials said Tuesday.

Crowds of curious onlookers scattered for safety after the 1,000-pound beast gored the villagers during a 3-mile tear Monday. No one was seriously injured.
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Hey, the running of the bulls season hasn't begun yet...has it?
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Waving at girls costs man his arm

CANBERRA (Reuters) - An Australian man who waved out of a car window at two young women was expected to lose his arm Monday after it was almost severed by another passing vehicle.

The 20-year-old was a passenger in a pick-up truck at Bunbury, in Western Australia state, when he waved at two women in a car wash.
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Whatever happen to waving INSIDE the car?
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Small Texas town abuzz over reported UFO sightings

STEPHENVILLE (WFAA ABC 8/AP) — In this farming community where nightfall usually brings clear, starry skies, residents are abuzz over reported sightings of what many believe is a UFO.

Several dozen people - including a pilot, county constable and business owners - insist they have seen a large silent object with bright lights flying low and fast. Some reported seeing fighter jets chasing it.
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"It's A Bird! It's A Plane!" "It's a Saucer, man!"

[TexasStooge]

"Oh, I'm not actually recording, honey..."

ROME (Reuters) - Recording secret videos of sex with your partner is not illegal, Italy's supreme court has ruled.

Rome's highest appeals acquitted a 49-year-old man who, unbeknown to his girlfriend, had recorded and kept films of them having sex.
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...but it's not recommended. What happens in the bedroom stays in the bedroom...unless you've been caught cheating.
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Watch what you put on trailer hitches

By BOB LEWIS, Associated Press Writer

RICHMOND, Va. - It's one thing to dangle fuzzy dice from a rear view mirror, but decorating a trailer hitch with a large pair of rubber testicles might be a bit much in Virginia.

State Del. Lionel Spruill introduced a bill Tuesday to ban displaying replicas of human genitalia on vehicles, calling it a safety issue because it could distract other drivers.
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I would've gone with the fuzzy dice.
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Citroen apologizes for scowling Mao ad

BEIJING (Reuters) - French car-maker Citroen has apologized to China for running a full-page advertisement in several Spanish newspapers featuring a poster of late Chinese leader Mao Zedong pulling a wry face at a sporty hatch-back.

Under the Biblical quotation "Render unto Caesar the things which are Caesar's," the text talked up Citroen's position as a car sales leader in a bombastic tone.
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I would've picked something a little more subtle.
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Hmm. I knew I forgot something...

INDIANAPOLIS (AP) - A court security deputy was fired and two others suspended after an inmate was left in a holding cell for more than two days without food.

The three deputies were disciplined for dereliction of duties, the Marion County Sheriff's Department said Monday.
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It's the new "I Forgot" Prison Diet.
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Higher wine prices boost drinking pleasure

By Clare Baldwin

STANFORD, California (Reuters) - The more wine costs, the more people enjoy it, regardless of how it tastes, a study by California researchers has found.

Researchers at the Stanford Graduate School of Business and the California Institute of Technology found that because people expect wines that cost more to be of higher quality, they trick themselves into believing the wines provide a more pleasurable experience than less expensive ones.
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[TexasStooge]

Don't send in the clowns

LONDON (Reuters) - Bad news for Coco and Blinko -- children don't like clowns and even older kids are scared of them.

The news that will no doubt have clowns shedding tears was revealed in a poll of youngsters by researchers from the University of Sheffield who were examining how to improve the decor of hospital children's wards.
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Kinda reminds me of that one episode of "The Grim Adventures Of Billy & Mandy".

Then again, what clowns would make clowns scary characters in a movie?
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Sex toy triggers bomb scare in Sweden

STOCKHOLM, Sweden (AP) - A Swedish bomb squad called out to disarm a suspicious package on Wednesday did not find a ticking bomb. But they did find a vibrating sex toy.

A janitor alerted police after he found the package in a garage of an apartment building in Goteborg, the country's second-largest city, police spokesman Jan Strannegard said.
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So that's the package that R. Kelly was referring to on "Trapped In The Closet". Gives a whole new meaning to (imitating Tom Jones) "Sex Bomb".
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Computer can help your dog communicate

BUDAPEST (Reuters) - Hungarian scientists are working on computer software analyzing dog barks that could allow people to better recognize dogs' basic emotions, Hungarian ethologist Csaba Molnar said.

Molnar and his colleagues at Budapest's ELTE University have tested software which distinguishes the emotional reaction of 14 dogs of the Hungarian Mudi herding breed to six situations: When the dog is alone, when it sees a ball, it fights, it plays, it encounters a stranger or it goes for a walk.
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Slowly, we'll all be able to have all the animals talk back.

[TexasStooge]

Army offers to pay as stray rocket hits house

MOSCOW (Reuters) - Russia's military Thursday offered compensation to a homeowner after a small rocket veered off course and hit his country house outside Moscow.

Russian Internet chatrooms were buzzing late Wednesday after local news agencies reported that "an unidentified flying object dropped two bombs near Moscow."
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Does it sound like the Trio we know?

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German polar bear to get name

NUREMBERG, Germany (AP) - What will Germany's new polar bear celebrity be called?

Nuremberg Mayor Ulrich Maly has asked a jury to deliberate Friday on a flood of suggestions — which arrived in more than 25,000 e-mails and postcards — for the official name of the 5-week-old white ball of fluff.
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What's in a name?
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Oldest Mexico cantina, a charming dive, closes down

By Chris Aspin

MEXICO CITY (Reuters) - Mexico's oldest cantina, a classic drinking dive patronized by dozens of past presidents and Cuban leader Fidel Castro when he was in exile here, has closed its doors after more than 150 years.

Nestled in a side street between the National Palace and Mexico City's cathedral, the door of El Nivel (The Level) is now padlocked.
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As the saying goes, "All good things must come to an end after such & such time.
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Boomerang comes back after 25 years

BRISBANE, Australia (AP) - Boomerangs really do come back — even after 25 years. Officials in an Australian Outback town were surprised when a boomerang arrived in the post. Along with it was a note from a guilt-ridden American who said he stole it years earlier from a museum in the mining town of Mount Isa, and now felt rotten about it.

"I removed this back in 1983 when I was younger and dumber," said the note, according to Mount Isa Mayor Ron McCullough. "It was the wrong thing to do, I'm sorry, and I'm going to send it back," said the note.
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Is that how long that Boomerang flew?!?!?!

[TexasStooge]

More snakes on a plane

HANOI (Reuters) - Vietnam has seized more than a ton of ratsnakes found aboard a Vietnam Airlines flight from Bangkok, the second time in about a month such snakes were found in air cargo to Vietnam, state media said on Friday.

The snakes -- scientific name Ptyas Mucosus and a protected species -- were found in more than 60 boxes that arrived in Hanoi's Noi Bai airport on Thursday, the Vietnam News Agency quoted officials as saying.
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SNAKES ON A PLANE!
SNAKES ON A PLANE!
Nobody can get enough of those...
Snakes On A Plane!!
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Blind seal ready for L.A. zoo visitors

LOS ANGELES (AP) - Visitors can now see the Los Angeles Zoo's newest attraction, but he can't see them.

A blind harbor seal named Alfred, which made its debut Friday, was rescued off the coast of New Jersey nearly a year ago and, after a long search by the Marine Mammal Stranding Center, the L.A. Zoo took him in October.
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He'll soon be playing Stevie Wonder songs on the horns. Excellent!
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Woman filmed killing of lover

BEIJING (Reuters) - A 19-year-old Chinese student recorded the killing and dismembering of her married lover by her boyfriend, local media said on Friday.

The second-year student in the southwestern province of Yunnan, her boyfriend and another male accomplice had all been arrested after the killing last month, the Southern Metropolis Daily said.
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"Hell hath no fury like a Woman's Scorn" in theaters.
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Texas mayor in dog fracas could lose job

ALICE, Texas - The allegations could bring down the mayor of this South Texas town: a faked death, an attempt to hide the evidence from police, a cover-up story.

And for what? A Shih Tzu.

Mayor Grace Saenz-Lopez was indicted Friday on two felony counts of tampering with physical evidence related to a dog her neighbors say she took from them.
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She's in deep "Shih Tzu".

[TexasStooge]

"Pet" girl kicked off bus for wearing leash

LONDON (Reuters) - A British bus company has apologized to a girl who is led around on a leash by her boyfriend and describes herself as a human pet after one of its drivers threw her off a bus.

Tasha Maltby, 19, told British newspapers she was the "pet" of her 25-year-old fiance Dani Graves.

Pictures showed her dressed in black Gothic-style clothing with silver buckles on a silver chain -- which the driver of a bus from the firm Arriva took exception to.
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Fares are rising city by city, and they're expecting to pay for a bus ride by a discriminate driver?
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Woman saves 55,000 pennies in 19 years

SHREVEPORT, La. (AP) - It took Vicki Armstrong almost 19 years to save $550, which isn't much of an accomplishment — except that she did it one penny at a time.

Armstrong was planning to take her 55,000 pennies to the bank this week. She said saving them helped her reinforce frugal spending habits.
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Well, this makes perfect cents (sense).
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Stowaway kitten takes plane ride in a suitcase

MIAMI (Reuters) - A kitten survived a plane trip halfway across the United States after accidentally ending up in a suitcase, a newspaper reported on Tuesday.

Seth Levy's suitcase, in which 10-month-old tabby Gracie Mae stowed away, was mistakenly picked up by the wrong person after a 2 1/2 hour plane trip from Fort Lauderdale in Florida to Dallas-Fort Worth airport in Texas.
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Curiosity didn't kill the cat this time.
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Haggis ban an offal burden?

LONDON (Reuters) - Scotland is considering lobbying the United States to lift a ban on haggis, hoping to boost sales of the sheep-stomach-based national dish.

The U.S. banned imports of Scottish haggis after Britain's outbreak of mad cow disease, which is linked to the human brain illness Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease.
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...and that is ba-a-a-a-a-a-ad!

[TexasStooge]

It's official: mail is slow as snails

WARSAW (Reuters) - It's official. Postal delivery is as slow as snails, at least in Poland.

An IT worker, after receiving a letter on January 3 that was sent on December 20 as priority mail, calculated that a snail would have made it even faster to his home than the letter.
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Why do you think they call it "Snail Mail"?
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Hmmm. Didn't I have a house here?

MOSCOW (AP) - Returning home after an absence can mean unpleasant surprises — a leaky roof, a pet's mess, even a break-in. But a Russian woman got a nastier surprise when she returned from her country house: her home was gone, torn down mistakenly by construction workers clearing a site, according to a report Thursday on NTV television.

"There was nothing left, not even a log," Lyudmila Martemyanova said, bundled against the cold and standing on a snow-covered lot in the center of the Volga River city of Nizhny Novgorod.
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Dan, you moron. You demolished the wrong house. The druggies are continuing to do their business in that abandoned building. YOU ARE FIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Women leave town and children in hands of men

By Julie Gordon

TORONTO (Reuters) - What would happen if all the women were to disappear from a town, leaving the men to not only work, but also take care of the family and the home?

"It will be a disaster, a complete disaster," said Kelly Weatherly, who was sent off for a week at a resort, along with almost all the women in her community of 760, leaving the town and its children in the hands of the men.
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It's a good think I'm not in Toronto, otherwise, if I babysit there, I would have a mental breakdown, especially with some kids that don't even listen to me.
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Library gets book back after 57 years

MARSHFIELD, Wis. (AP) - It's a novel but it's created a mystery — where has the overdue book been for the past 57 years? "We don't have records that go back that far," said Lori Belongia, director of the Marshfield Public Library. "We don't know who checked it out."

The book "Northern Lights" by Roger Vercel turned up in the book drop about a month ago.
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What took them so long?

[TexasStooge]

China subway apologizes over leaked kiss video

BEIJING (Reuters) - Shanghai subway authorities apologized to a Chinese couple videotaped hugging and kissing on a subway platform and dismissed an employee involved in uploading the video which drew thousands of hits, state media said on Friday.

The company found three staff were responsible for taking and uploading the video. Two had already left the company and the other was dismissed after the incident caused "public uproar," Xinhua news agency quoted authorities with Shanghai Metro Operation Co Ltd. as saying.
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"Aw, c'mon! People on YouTube love to see some romance!"
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Vt. lawmaker does double duty as comic

By JOHN CURRAN, Associated Press Writer

MONTPELIER, Vt. (AP) - How many politicians does it take to draw a laugh?

At least one in Vermont, where state Rep. Jason Lorber does standup gigs, produces comedy shows and runs improv workshops when he's not making laws.
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He could pull it off, but when it comes to political sattire, it's no laughing matter...unless your Jon Stewart or Stephen Colbert.
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Spanish driver sues dead crash cyclist for damage

MADRID (Reuters) - A Spanish driver who collided with a cyclist is suing the dead youth's family $29,300 for the damage the impact of his body did to his luxury car, a Spanish newspaper reported on Friday.

Businessman Tomas Delgado says 17-year-old Enaitz Iriondo caused $20,500 of damage to his Audi A8 in the fatal 2004 crash in La Rioja region, the El Pais newspaper reported.
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What's the use of suing the dead? You know you're gonna pay for his funeral expenses if you lose.
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[url]Brazil carnival star eyes surgery record[/url]

By PETER MUELLO, Associated Press Writer

RIO DE JANEIRO, Brazil - Brazilian model Angela Bismarchi will dance nearly nude ahead of a 300-person drum corps in next month's Carnival parade, hoping her sculpted beauty as a "percussion queen" will lead her samba group to the championship.

But she has another goal in mind as well.

In preparation for Rio's five-day Carnival blowout in February, she's having her 42nd plastic surgery — closing in on the Guinness World Record of 47 surgical procedures held by 52-year-old American Cindy Jackson, who calls herself a "Living Doll" and now promotes her own skincare line.
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What would happen if this surgery goes horribly wrong?

[TexasStooge]

Where's the rest of my mouse?

HELSINKI (Reuters) - A hospital patient in Finland found a mouse head among the steamed vegetables on his plate.

"Understandably, he lost his appetite," said Sakari Kela, chief administrator at the Northern Karelia Central Hospital.
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Oops! This must be "Ratatouille", the Blooper Reel.
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W.Va. mayor uses magazine to prove ID

CHARLESTON, W.Va. (AP) - Charleston Mayor Danny Jones had a problem as he tried to get through the security gate at a California airport: He had misplaced his driver's license, and the expired one in his wallet wouldn't do.

The guards at John Wayne Airport in Orange County searched his bag, he told the Charleston Daily Mail for a story published Monday.
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Even mayors are not immune to goofs.
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How's it going? Oh, can't complain.

SINGAPORE (Reuters) - A choir that planned to sing a list of complaints about life in Singapore cancelled its performances after the city-state banned its foreign members from singing, organizers said Saturday.

The 60-member "complaints choir," a concept that originated from two Finnish artists, was scheduled to perform at a weekend festival but authorities granted a performance license on the condition that the foreigners would not participate.
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Thank goodness I'm an American. Otherwise, if I was in China, my freedom of speech would be taken.

[TexasStooge]

Fly naked on nudist holiday flight

FRANKFURT (Reuters) - German nudists will be able to start their holidays early by stripping off on the plane if they take up a new offer from an eastern German travel firm.

Travel agency OssiUrlaub.de said it would start taking bookings from Friday for a trial nudist day trip from the eastern German town of Erfurt to the popular Baltic Sea resort of Usedom, planned for July 5 and costing 499 euros ($735).
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I wouldn't do it, even on a dare.
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Man wins, then loses, then wins lottery

SYDNEY, Australia (AP) - An Australian retiree won a $1.8 million lottery prize, then lost it, and then won it again Wednesday through a court ruling.

Werner Reinhold bought the lottery ticket at a newsstand in Australia's largest city of Sydney on Sept. 19, 1995. His original ticket did not print correctly, so he asked for a new one, which turned out to be the winner.
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Why do you think I don't play the lottery anymore?
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Man struggles to return from the dead

WARSAW (Reuters) - Red tape is preventing a Polish man from returning from the dead.

Piotr Kucy, 38 and from the city of Polkowice in southwest Poland, was wrongly identified by authorities last August as a drowned man, only to show up a few days after his own funeral.

Despite pointing out the fact that he was alive to government officials, Kucy still remains dead in official records, stopping him from working and paying social insurance.
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Face it, you're dead to the world.

[TexasStooge]

Lottery winner's sweet wish

LONDON (Reuters) - Retired hospital porter Steve Smith, who is suffering from a potentially fatal heart defect, won almost 19 million pounds ($38 million) on Britain's National Lottery -- but said he would give it all up if he could spend a few more years living with his wife Ida.

"I have a one in 10 chance of living. It's like a ticking time bomb," said the 58-year-old Smith, enjoying a bittersweet glass of celebratory champagne with his wife Ida.
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Like Tim McGraw, "Live Like You Were Dying".
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Ore. Goodwill store sells parked bike

SALEM, Ore. (AP) - Cody Young parked his bike in the wrong place at the Goodwill store, where the rule is that anything on the floor goes. He didn't have a lock, but friends said they had parked inside the store before. On Sunday, though, the black BMX bike was sold.

But the 13-year-old is going to get his bike back, Goodwill officials said, after the buyer saw a newspaper story about the mix-up and called to make things right.
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It's not the first mix-up, and it won't be the last.
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For the mature woman who has everything: a boy toy

By Robert Campbell

NEW YORK (Reuters) - Wanted: rich older women interested in hot younger guys. Applicants must be over 35, earn at least $500,000 a year or have a minimum of $4 million in liquid assets, entrusted assets or divorce settlement.

That's the basis of a speed-dating event organized by a New York entrepreneur bringing together 20 "sugar mamas" and 20 "boy toys" vetted by an elite New York matchmaker.
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Meet the soon-to-be Desperate Housewives.

[TexasStooge]

Unhealthy enemas put tourists in hospital

MOSCOW (Reuters) - Russians visiting a health resort received a rude shock when a nurse used hydrogen peroxide instead of water to give them enemas.

Itar-Tass news agency reported Thursday that 17 tourists in the Caucasus spa town of Yessentuki had to be treated in hospital after the mix-up.
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Guess you could say, "The Enema Strikes Back".
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Tornado victim billed for cable devices

WHEATLAND, Wis. (AP) - Having a tornado demolish her home was bad enough. But when Ann Beam received a $2,000 cable bill a few weeks later, she was floored. "I just couldn't believe it," Beam said. "I was like, 'What are they thinking?'"

Time Warner Cable billed a number of Wheatland residents for equipment destroyed in the Jan. 7 twister that struck the southeast corner of the state. Beam's bill covered five cable boxes and five remote controls.
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Talk about a twisted bill.
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The dumbest ever quiz answers

By Paul Majendie

LONDON (Reuters) - Question: What was Gandhi's first name? Contestant's answer: Goosey Goosey.

Warning to all those know-alls who shout at the television screen when contestants offer dumb answers to blindingly obvious questions -- one day that could be you.

From regional radio shows to "Who Wants To be a Millionaire?" and "University Challenge," people make fools of themselves -- as internet site www.jumpingjacksbar.com found in collating some of the worst howlers.
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And to think I just started the "Dumb Answers" thread
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Wis. man says truck headed for milestone

MEDFORD, Wis. (AP) - Frank Oresnik is on the verge of making history driving his old standby — the pickup truck he says is about to pass the 1 million mile mark.

Oresnik took the 1991 Chevrolet Silverado to the Oil Ex-Change Quick Lube in Medford on Thursday for what he expects will be its last oil change and tuneup before hitting the magic number.
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Just makes me wonder what went wrong with the other trucks?