My family has a tradition of naming the cruise control on our cars.
We were used to hearing my father proclaim, "Take it, Max," as he flipped on the cruise control during long trips in our station wagon.
Recently, I was traveling with my parents in their new car when we hit a wide-open expanse of highway.
My dad leaned back and said, "I think I'll let Tom drive for a while."
"Tom who?" I asked.
My mother translated for me:
"Tom Cruise, of course."
All Together Now: GROAN!!! (Season 2)
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TexasStooge
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TexasStooge
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- Posts: 38127
- Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2003 1:22 pm
- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
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One night last week I was going to bed when my wife pointed out that I'd stupidly left the light on in the garden shed. As I looked out of the window I noticed that there were several people in the shed, stealing our belongings. I immediately phoned the Police who told me that there was nobody in that vicinity and that they'd send somebody over as soon as they were available.
I said Fine then hung up. A minute later I rang back and said "Hi, I just called a minute ago regarding a burglary taking place in my shed. Well, I thought I'd let you know that there is no need to worry because I've just shot them all."
Three minutes later a dozen police vehicles and armed response personell were on my premises and naturally they caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the officers said - "Hey, I thought you said you'd shot them all?"
I responded - "I thought you said nobody was available!"
______________________________________________________
My uncle once spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that he'd go to church on Sunday and sit at the back. During the service he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door.
On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the 10 commandments. He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out he waited until the sermon was over and went to talk to the minister.
"Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind."
The minister said, "Bless you my son. Was it when I started to preach thou shall not steal, that changed your heart?"
My uncle responded, "No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat."
I said Fine then hung up. A minute later I rang back and said "Hi, I just called a minute ago regarding a burglary taking place in my shed. Well, I thought I'd let you know that there is no need to worry because I've just shot them all."
Three minutes later a dozen police vehicles and armed response personell were on my premises and naturally they caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the officers said - "Hey, I thought you said you'd shot them all?"
I responded - "I thought you said nobody was available!"
______________________________________________________
My uncle once spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that he'd go to church on Sunday and sit at the back. During the service he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door.
On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the 10 commandments. He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out he waited until the sermon was over and went to talk to the minister.
"Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind."
The minister said, "Bless you my son. Was it when I started to preach thou shall not steal, that changed your heart?"
My uncle responded, "No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat."
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TexasStooge
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- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
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A man walks into a bar and asks for 2 shots for him and his buddy.
The bartender says, "Do you want them both now, or do you want me to wait til your buddy gets here first?"
The guy says, "Oh I want them both now, I've got my best buddy in my pocket right here."
He then pulls out a three inch man and puts him on the table.
The bartender was astonished. "Do you mean to say he can drink a whole drink?"
"Sure, he can drink it all. Pour it on."
Sure enough, the bartender watches in amazement as the little guy drinks down two full shots.
"That's amazing. Can he walk?"
The guy flicks a coin and says, "Hey, Trevor, go get the coin, ok?" The three inch man runs off after it.
"Unreal. Can he do anything else? Can he talk?"
"Of course, he can," the man replied turning to his three inch friend:
"Hey Trevor! tell The bartender about the time you called that witch doctor a good-for-nothing-scam-artist-idiot!"
_________________________________________________________
Artie and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.
An hour later Artie turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"
"No, sweetheart," she responds.
Artie, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"
"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.
"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.
"Oh, forgive me, Artie," begged Esther. "I didn?t send those, either."
Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.
Esther pulls away and asks him, "So, why did you kiss me?" to which Artie responds:
"They'll find us!"
The bartender says, "Do you want them both now, or do you want me to wait til your buddy gets here first?"
The guy says, "Oh I want them both now, I've got my best buddy in my pocket right here."
He then pulls out a three inch man and puts him on the table.
The bartender was astonished. "Do you mean to say he can drink a whole drink?"
"Sure, he can drink it all. Pour it on."
Sure enough, the bartender watches in amazement as the little guy drinks down two full shots.
"That's amazing. Can he walk?"
The guy flicks a coin and says, "Hey, Trevor, go get the coin, ok?" The three inch man runs off after it.
"Unreal. Can he do anything else? Can he talk?"
"Of course, he can," the man replied turning to his three inch friend:
"Hey Trevor! tell The bartender about the time you called that witch doctor a good-for-nothing-scam-artist-idiot!"
_________________________________________________________
Artie and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.
An hour later Artie turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"
"No, sweetheart," she responds.
Artie, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"
"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.
"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.
"Oh, forgive me, Artie," begged Esther. "I didn?t send those, either."
Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.
Esther pulls away and asks him, "So, why did you kiss me?" to which Artie responds:
"They'll find us!"
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A few of these have been on S2K before, but enjoy anyway...
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:" A beer please, and one for the road."
6.Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:
"Does this taste funny to you?"
7."Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."
8.Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9.An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
12. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
13.Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!".
14.Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
15. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because", he said, "I can't stand chess- nuts boasting in an open foyer."
16. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal."
The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
17. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ..(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).....
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
18.And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to
his friends, with the hope that some of the puns would make
them laugh.
No pun in ten did.
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:" A beer please, and one for the road."
6.Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:
"Does this taste funny to you?"
7."Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."
8.Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9.An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
12. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
13.Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!".
14.Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
15. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because", he said, "I can't stand chess- nuts boasting in an open foyer."
16. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal."
The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
17. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ..(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).....
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
18.And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to
his friends, with the hope that some of the puns would make
them laugh.
No pun in ten did.
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TexasStooge
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- Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2003 1:22 pm
- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
- Contact:
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
"You know, "he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "
"No, "she replies. . "
"You just happened to catch my eye."
_____________________________________________________________
A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.
Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence.
"Get well quick..... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
"You know, "he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "
"No, "she replies. . "
"You just happened to catch my eye."
_____________________________________________________________
A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.
Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence.
"Get well quick..... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."
Last edited by TexasStooge on Sat Oct 21, 2006 8:46 am, edited 1 time in total.
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TexasStooge
- Category 5
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- Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2003 1:22 pm
- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
- Contact:
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TexasStooge
- Category 5
- Posts: 38127
- Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2003 1:22 pm
- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
- Contact:
A Texas cowboy walks into the dentist's office and after an examination the dentist says, "That tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes."
The cowboy grabs the doc's arm and says, "No way. I hate needles. I'm not having any shot!"
So the dentist says, "Okay, we'll have to go with gas."
The cowboy replies, "Absolutely not. It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas."
So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water, "Here," he says, "Take this pill."
The cowboy asks, "What is it?"
The doc replies,"Viagra."
The cowboy looks surprised and asks,"Will that kill the pain?"
"No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold on to while I pull the tooth."
The cowboy grabs the doc's arm and says, "No way. I hate needles. I'm not having any shot!"
So the dentist says, "Okay, we'll have to go with gas."
The cowboy replies, "Absolutely not. It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas."
So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water, "Here," he says, "Take this pill."
The cowboy asks, "What is it?"
The doc replies,"Viagra."
The cowboy looks surprised and asks,"Will that kill the pain?"
"No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold on to while I pull the tooth."
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TexasStooge
- Category 5
- Posts: 38127
- Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2003 1:22 pm
- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
- Contact:
A man and his wife are driving on the highway when a state policeman appeared in their mirror, obviously wanting them to pull over. The man pulls over, the officer approaches the car and the following scene ensues:
State cop: "License and registration please."
Man: "I'm sorry officer, what seems to be the problem?"
State cop: "I clocked you on radar doing 75mph."
Man: "There must be some mistake, I was only going 65."
Wife: "Oh Harold, you were going at least 80!"
State cop: "I'm also citing you for having a tail light out."
Man: "But officer, I wasn't aware it was out."
Wife: "Oh Harold, you know it's been out for two months."
State Cop: "I'm also fining you for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "But officer, I just took it off as you were approaching my car."
Wife: "Oh Harold, you know you never wear your seat belt."
Man: "Will you just shut your mouth, Betty?!"
State Cop: "Ma'am, does he always talk to you this way?
Wife: "Only when he's drunk..."
_________________________________________________________
A golf club walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.
The barman refuses to serve him. "Why not," asks the golf club.
"You'll be driving later," replies the bartender.
_________________________________________________________
A young boy and his doting grandmother were walking along the sea shore when a huge wave appeared out of nowhere, sweeping the child out to sea. The horrified woman fell to her knees, raised her eyes to the heavens and begged the Lord to return her beloved grandson.
And, another wave reared up and deposited the stunned child on the sand. The grandmother looked the boy over carefully. He was fine.
But still she stared up angrily toward the heavens. "When we came," she snapped indignantly, "he had a hat!"
_________________________________________________________
Jack has died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out Jack's Last Will and Testament:
"To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 50 acres of land, and 1 million dollars.
"To my son Barry, I leave my Big Lexus and the Jaguar.
"To my daughter Suzy, I leave my yacht and $250,000.
"And to my brother-in-law Jeff, who always insisted that health is better than wealth, I leave my treadmill."
_________________________________________________________
Five Surgeons are discussing the types of people they like to operate on.
The first surgeon says:
"I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds:
"Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says:
"No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in:
"You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed:
"You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine. Plus, the head and the [rear end] are interchangeable."
State cop: "License and registration please."
Man: "I'm sorry officer, what seems to be the problem?"
State cop: "I clocked you on radar doing 75mph."
Man: "There must be some mistake, I was only going 65."
Wife: "Oh Harold, you were going at least 80!"
State cop: "I'm also citing you for having a tail light out."
Man: "But officer, I wasn't aware it was out."
Wife: "Oh Harold, you know it's been out for two months."
State Cop: "I'm also fining you for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "But officer, I just took it off as you were approaching my car."
Wife: "Oh Harold, you know you never wear your seat belt."
Man: "Will you just shut your mouth, Betty?!"
State Cop: "Ma'am, does he always talk to you this way?
Wife: "Only when he's drunk..."
_________________________________________________________
A golf club walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.
The barman refuses to serve him. "Why not," asks the golf club.
"You'll be driving later," replies the bartender.
_________________________________________________________
A young boy and his doting grandmother were walking along the sea shore when a huge wave appeared out of nowhere, sweeping the child out to sea. The horrified woman fell to her knees, raised her eyes to the heavens and begged the Lord to return her beloved grandson.
And, another wave reared up and deposited the stunned child on the sand. The grandmother looked the boy over carefully. He was fine.
But still she stared up angrily toward the heavens. "When we came," she snapped indignantly, "he had a hat!"
_________________________________________________________
Jack has died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out Jack's Last Will and Testament:
"To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 50 acres of land, and 1 million dollars.
"To my son Barry, I leave my Big Lexus and the Jaguar.
"To my daughter Suzy, I leave my yacht and $250,000.
"And to my brother-in-law Jeff, who always insisted that health is better than wealth, I leave my treadmill."
_________________________________________________________
Five Surgeons are discussing the types of people they like to operate on.
The first surgeon says:
"I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds:
"Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says:
"No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in:
"You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed:
"You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine. Plus, the head and the [rear end] are interchangeable."
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TexasStooge
- Category 5
- Posts: 38127
- Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2003 1:22 pm
- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
- Contact:
23-year-old metropolitan, Johnny Slick parks his brand-new BMW M3 Coupe in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.
As he gets out, a truck comes along too close to the curb and completely tear's off the driver's side door. Johnny immediately grabs his mobile phone and dials 911. Five minutes later, a policeman pulls up.
Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, Johnny begins screaming and ranting hysterically. His car, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.
Johnny Slick finally winds down from his rant, the policeman shaking his head in disgust and disbelief:
"I can't believe how materialistic you city types are," he says. "You're so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."
"How can you say such a thing?" Johnny asks arrogantly.
The policeman replies, "Didn't you know that your right arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you!"
"Dang it! " Johnny screams...
"Where's my Rolex?!?"
As he gets out, a truck comes along too close to the curb and completely tear's off the driver's side door. Johnny immediately grabs his mobile phone and dials 911. Five minutes later, a policeman pulls up.
Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, Johnny begins screaming and ranting hysterically. His car, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.
Johnny Slick finally winds down from his rant, the policeman shaking his head in disgust and disbelief:
"I can't believe how materialistic you city types are," he says. "You're so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."
"How can you say such a thing?" Johnny asks arrogantly.
The policeman replies, "Didn't you know that your right arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you!"
"Dang it! " Johnny screams...
"Where's my Rolex?!?"
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TexasStooge
- Category 5
- Posts: 38127
- Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2003 1:22 pm
- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
- Contact:
A primary school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past.
Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a rather large Dalmatian dog.
The children started to discuss the dog's duties.
"I think they use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No way," said another, "I reckon he's just for good luck."
The third kid brought the argument to a close...
"They use the dog," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
_______________________________________________________
American businessman was at a pier in a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow-fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.
The Mexican replied only a little while.
The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish?
The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.
The American then asked the Mexican how he spent the rest of his time.
The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life, senor."
The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and, with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat, you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution.
"You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise."
The Mexican fisherman asked, "But senor, how long will this all take?"
To which the American replied, "15-20 years."
"But what then, senor?" asked the Mexican.
The American laughed, and said, "That's the best part! When the time is right, you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public. You'll become very rich, you would make millions!"
"Millions, senor?" replied the Mexican. "Then what?"
The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."
Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a rather large Dalmatian dog.
The children started to discuss the dog's duties.
"I think they use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No way," said another, "I reckon he's just for good luck."
The third kid brought the argument to a close...
"They use the dog," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
_______________________________________________________
American businessman was at a pier in a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow-fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.
The Mexican replied only a little while.
The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish?
The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.
The American then asked the Mexican how he spent the rest of his time.
The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life, senor."
The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and, with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat, you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution.
"You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise."
The Mexican fisherman asked, "But senor, how long will this all take?"
To which the American replied, "15-20 years."
"But what then, senor?" asked the Mexican.
The American laughed, and said, "That's the best part! When the time is right, you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public. You'll become very rich, you would make millions!"
"Millions, senor?" replied the Mexican. "Then what?"
The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."
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TexasStooge
- Category 5
- Posts: 38127
- Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2003 1:22 pm
- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
- Contact:
A blonde was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from skipping."
___________________________________________________________
This guys in bed with his wife when there's a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half three in the morning. He thinks about getting the door for a moment and rolls back over.
Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and this guy is standing outside.
"Hey," says the stranger, "can you give us a push?"
"No, go to hell! It's half past three. I was in bed sound asleep," says the man and shuts the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Russel, you are such a twat! Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to go to hell? You should be ashamed!"
So after that tongue-lashing, he gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey fella, do you still want a push?" and he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah please, man."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"
The guy replies, "I'm over here...on the swings!"
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from skipping."
___________________________________________________________
This guys in bed with his wife when there's a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half three in the morning. He thinks about getting the door for a moment and rolls back over.
Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and this guy is standing outside.
"Hey," says the stranger, "can you give us a push?"
"No, go to hell! It's half past three. I was in bed sound asleep," says the man and shuts the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Russel, you are such a twat! Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to go to hell? You should be ashamed!"
So after that tongue-lashing, he gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey fella, do you still want a push?" and he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah please, man."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"
The guy replies, "I'm over here...on the swings!"
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TexasStooge
- Category 5
- Posts: 38127
- Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2003 1:22 pm
- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
- Contact:
In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. The witness was a grand motherly, elderly woman.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've know you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The Lawyer was stunned.
Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones. do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, I'll throw you in jail for contempt."
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've know you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The Lawyer was stunned.
Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones. do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, I'll throw you in jail for contempt."
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TexasStooge
- Category 5
- Posts: 38127
- Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2003 1:22 pm
- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
- Contact:
One day a Deputy pulled over a car. He asked the driver why he was speeding, to which the driver replied that he a juggling magician and didn't want to be late for his show that night.
The deputy told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would maybe do a little juggling for him he wouldn't issue a ticket.
The driver told the deputy that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The deputy told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his squad car and asked if he could juggle them.
The juggler stated that he could, so the deputy got three flares, lit them and handed them to the man.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the squad car, a drunk got out and watched the performance briefly, then staggered over to the squad car, opened the rear door and stumbled in.
The deputy observed him doing this and went over to his squad car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, "Officer, ya might as well take me to jail cos there's no way in hell I'm gonna pass that test!"
The deputy told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would maybe do a little juggling for him he wouldn't issue a ticket.
The driver told the deputy that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The deputy told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his squad car and asked if he could juggle them.
The juggler stated that he could, so the deputy got three flares, lit them and handed them to the man.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the squad car, a drunk got out and watched the performance briefly, then staggered over to the squad car, opened the rear door and stumbled in.
The deputy observed him doing this and went over to his squad car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, "Officer, ya might as well take me to jail cos there's no way in hell I'm gonna pass that test!"
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TexasStooge
- Category 5
- Posts: 38127
- Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2003 1:22 pm
- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
- Contact:
A five year old boy went for a weekend trip with his grandparents. On the way home, they stopped at a country restaurant for lunch.
The little boy left the table to use the restroom by himself. A moment later he returned with a confused look on his face.
He says,
"Grandpa, am I a rooster or a hen?"
__________________________________________________________
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
-------------------------------
"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming."
Alan, age 10
"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with."
Kirsten, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
-------------------------------------
"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then."
Camille, age 10
"No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married."
Freddie, age 6
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
--------------------------------------------------
"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people."
Eddie, 6
"You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids."
Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
--------------------------------------------------
"Both don't want no more kids."
Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
----------------------------------
"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
Lynnette, age 8.
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date."
Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
--------------------------------------------------------
"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns."
Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OK TO KISS SOMEONE?
-------------------------------
"When they're rich."
Pam, age 7
"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that."
Curt, age 7
"The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do."
Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
--------------------------------------
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them."
Anita, 9
"Single is better, for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing."
Kirsten, age 10
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
--------------------------------------------------------------
"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?"
Kelvin, age 8
"You can be sure of one thing - the boys would come chasing after us just the same as they do now."
Roberta, age 7
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
-----------------------------------
"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck."
Ricky, age 10
___________________________________________________________
This lady is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all out. She had a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party starts, two bums show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some wood out back.
Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house. Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown has not shown up, and finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic, and will probably not make the party at all. The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself. She happens to look out the window and sees one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air.
She speaks to the other bum and says, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvellous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"
The bum replies, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"
The little boy left the table to use the restroom by himself. A moment later he returned with a confused look on his face.
He says,
"Grandpa, am I a rooster or a hen?"
__________________________________________________________
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
-------------------------------
"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming."
Alan, age 10
"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with."
Kirsten, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
-------------------------------------
"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then."
Camille, age 10
"No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married."
Freddie, age 6
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
--------------------------------------------------
"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people."
Eddie, 6
"You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids."
Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
--------------------------------------------------
"Both don't want no more kids."
Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
----------------------------------
"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
Lynnette, age 8.
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date."
Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
--------------------------------------------------------
"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns."
Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OK TO KISS SOMEONE?
-------------------------------
"When they're rich."
Pam, age 7
"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that."
Curt, age 7
"The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do."
Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
--------------------------------------
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them."
Anita, 9
"Single is better, for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing."
Kirsten, age 10
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
--------------------------------------------------------------
"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?"
Kelvin, age 8
"You can be sure of one thing - the boys would come chasing after us just the same as they do now."
Roberta, age 7
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
-----------------------------------
"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck."
Ricky, age 10
___________________________________________________________
This lady is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all out. She had a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party starts, two bums show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some wood out back.
Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house. Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown has not shown up, and finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic, and will probably not make the party at all. The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself. She happens to look out the window and sees one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air.
She speaks to the other bum and says, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvellous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"
The bum replies, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"
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TexasStooge
- Category 5
- Posts: 38127
- Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2003 1:22 pm
- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
- Contact:
American businessman was at a pier in a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow-fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.
The Mexican replied only a little while.
The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish?
The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.
The American then asked the Mexican how he spent the rest of his time.
The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life, senor."
The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and, with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat, you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution.
"You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise."
The Mexican fisherman asked, "But senor, how long will this all take?"
To which the American replied, "15-20 years."
"But what then, senor?" asked the Mexican.
The American laughed, and said, "That's the best part! When the time is right, you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public. You'll become very rich, you would make millions!"
"Millions, senor?" replied the Mexican. "Then what?"
The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."
The Mexican replied only a little while.
The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish?
The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.
The American then asked the Mexican how he spent the rest of his time.
The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life, senor."
The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and, with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat, you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution.
"You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise."
The Mexican fisherman asked, "But senor, how long will this all take?"
To which the American replied, "15-20 years."
"But what then, senor?" asked the Mexican.
The American laughed, and said, "That's the best part! When the time is right, you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public. You'll become very rich, you would make millions!"
"Millions, senor?" replied the Mexican. "Then what?"
The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."
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TexasStooge
- Category 5
- Posts: 38127
- Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2003 1:22 pm
- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
- Contact:
Bubba had Shingles
Those of us who spend much
time in a doctor's office should
appreciate this!
Doesn't it seem that more and more
that physicians are running their
practices like an assembly line?
Here's what happened to Bubba:
Bubba walked into a doctor's office
and the receptionist asked him what
he had.
Bubba said, Shingles.
So she wrote down his name,
address, medical insurance number
and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide
came out and asked Bubba what he
had.
Bubba said, Shingles.
So she wrote down his height,
weight, a complete medical history
and told Bubba to wait in the
examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in
and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, Shingles.
So the nurse gave Bubba a blood
test, a blood pressure test, an
electrocardiogram, and told Bubba
to take off all his clothes and wait
for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in
and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, shingles.
The doctor asked, Where?
Bubba said, "Outside on the truck.
Where do you want them??"
Those of us who spend much
time in a doctor's office should
appreciate this!
Doesn't it seem that more and more
that physicians are running their
practices like an assembly line?
Here's what happened to Bubba:
Bubba walked into a doctor's office
and the receptionist asked him what
he had.
Bubba said, Shingles.
So she wrote down his name,
address, medical insurance number
and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide
came out and asked Bubba what he
had.
Bubba said, Shingles.
So she wrote down his height,
weight, a complete medical history
and told Bubba to wait in the
examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in
and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, Shingles.
So the nurse gave Bubba a blood
test, a blood pressure test, an
electrocardiogram, and told Bubba
to take off all his clothes and wait
for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in
and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, shingles.
The doctor asked, Where?
Bubba said, "Outside on the truck.
Where do you want them??"
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TexasStooge
- Category 5
- Posts: 38127
- Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2003 1:22 pm
- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
- Contact:
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason:
I'm tired because I'm overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million.
104 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes!
I'm tired because I'm overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million.
104 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes!
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TexasStooge
- Category 5
- Posts: 38127
- Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2003 1:22 pm
- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
- Contact:
"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."
"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Translated: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."
"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated: "Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"OH, DON'T FUSS - I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"
"I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."
"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated: "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."
___________________________________________________________
A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later:
"Da-ad..."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of
water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
"Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad..."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to
spank you!!"
"Five minutes later... "Daaaa-aaaad..."
"WHAT??!!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring
me a drink of water?"
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."
"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Translated: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."
"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated: "Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"OH, DON'T FUSS - I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"
"I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."
"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated: "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."
___________________________________________________________
A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later:
"Da-ad..."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of
water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
"Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad..."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to
spank you!!"
"Five minutes later... "Daaaa-aaaad..."
"WHAT??!!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring
me a drink of water?"
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TexasStooge
- Category 5
- Posts: 38127
- Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2003 1:22 pm
- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
- Contact:
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."
"Mrs. Ward, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."
"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.
"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
_________________________________________________________
A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the t.v. was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. They were opposite in every way. One was an eternal optimist, the other a doom-and-gloom pessimist.
Just to see what would happen, on Christmas, their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.
That night, the father passed by the pessimist's room and found his son sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.
"Why are you crying?" the father asked.
"Because my friends will be jealous. I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff. I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken," answered the pessimist twin.
Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found his son dancing for joy in the pile of manure.
"What are you so happy about?" the father asked.
The optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"
"Mrs. Ward, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."
"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.
"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
_________________________________________________________
A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the t.v. was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. They were opposite in every way. One was an eternal optimist, the other a doom-and-gloom pessimist.
Just to see what would happen, on Christmas, their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.
That night, the father passed by the pessimist's room and found his son sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.
"Why are you crying?" the father asked.
"Because my friends will be jealous. I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff. I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken," answered the pessimist twin.
Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found his son dancing for joy in the pile of manure.
"What are you so happy about?" the father asked.
The optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"
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