Advice for the Masses from Marva

[Suzi Q]

Ok all, per the thousands of requests I got, here it is. Your place to post your questions to Marva. I can supply all kinds of advice on anything from pets (1000 uses for hairballs form Fluffy) to spouses (everyone should have at least one!) to decorating (why black and orange aren't just for Halloween anymore) to entertaining (how many kegs do you really need for a party of 12?). So ask away. I await your queries with beer in wine glass in hand.

Hugs to all,
Marva

[firefighter16]

Dear Marva:

We got a little snow up here over night.
What is proper edaquit for snow removal?
When it stops snowing or half way through?

[Lake Effect1]

marva, my family is big on wine,( the more the better)would it be ok to just put a bottle at each place setting, rather than a wine glass??????Is it ok to leave them in the bags if I made them look a little festive?? I have not seen barrels with wine at any liquor store in my area, as this would be a perfect solution., any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. :-?

[Suzi Q]

Dear firefighter:
Snow removal is always a hideous task that should only be done when it becomes absolutely necessary. Absolutely necessary is defined as:
1. When you can't get out of your door to get to the liquor store
2. When the neighbor has blown all his snow onto YOUR drive
3. When your cat has started using your carpet as a litter box since he can't walk outside.
At this point, whether it is only half-way through snowing or completely through snowing, you must take action IMMEDIATELY. Marva recommends the new SnowBlower Pro 8000, which can remove up to 1000 inches of snow in under two minutes. There are certain hazards associated with this machine, such as sudden black outs from power usage, numbness in the hands due to machine vibration, deafness due to the noise associated with the Pro8000, but all in all a much better machine than it's predecessor, the SnowWhiffer 400. Of course, you can always the resort to the simplest (and of course Marva's favorite) solution-move to Houston, where Marva knows for a fact, it never snows!

Hope this has been helpful,
Marva Stewart

[Suzi Q]

Obiously you haven't read my new book "How to be the Perfect Party Host". If so, you would have known that all food and beverages must be personally taste-tested by the host prior to the guests arrival. Therefore, it would negate placing the individual bottles of wine at each place setting since you MUST open each bottle and drink a glass to insure proper room temperature, bouquet, etc. Plus, if you buy the kinda of wine I do, those screw caps do look messy on the table. So, given that your family is like mine (i.e. a bunch of winos), here's what you do. Run on up to the feed store and purchase one of those horse trough things. On your way home, stop by Home Depot and purchase a blue plastic drop cloth. Go by the liquor store or stop and go, whichever you prefer, and stock up on that wine. Now, place the drop cloth on the floor close to the dining table and place the horse through on top of it. Remember you don't want to have to ask me about getting wine stains (among others) out of your turfgrass carpet, so that's what the drop cloth is for. Chill wine, or just cut to the chase and start opening the bottles. Pour one small (or large if needed) glass from each bottle, drink rapidly and pour the remainer in the horse trough. Once horse trough is full, place empty cool whip containers next to trough so each guest and dip and serve themselves. Voila, your problem is solved! And should you have any wine left over (never a problem for Marva) pour in ice trays, freeze and use as necessary. They make great parting gifts as well!

[GalvestonDuck]

Dear Marva,

This year, my uncle insists on using constantina razor wire in place of simple silver and gold garland on his Christmas tree. He also loves to float votive candles in his toilet (with the seat down, of course) and dip his poodle in meringue and then speckle her with red and green sugar sprinkles. I'm almost afraid to see what he's done to the my aunt's nativity scene. How can I tell him his Christmas decor is too...unspeakable to describe?

[Suzi Q]

Dear Duck:
What a festive person your uncle is, although I must agree with you, he seems to have "crossed the line" so to speak. I think the razor wire is a lovely idea personally but the poor poodle. Something must be done about that. Perhaps this year, instead of dipping poor poodle puff in the meringue, you could substitute your sister's son instead. He always has had a flair for the outrageous, if I remember correctly. He was, after all, recently spotted trying on that lovely black teddie with crotchless panties from Frederick's of Hollywood. I think he would be delighted to substitute for poodle puff, plus the red and green sprinkles would match his new hair color. Now, about the toilet-votive issue. How on earth does he keep them lit? Please tell me you took my previous advice about his "marking his territory" problem and is now actually using the toilet. If he insists on placing them in the toilet, perhaps you could just keep the bathrooms closed off and hand each guest a roll of toilet tissue and a map to the outhouse. If all else fails, simply face the fact that some people never learn the true art of Holiday Decorating and pray you did not inherit much DNA from his gene pool. Marva would be delighted to make a personal trip to your uncle's house to assit you with this area of concern, but I'm still recovering from the buckshot I received at my last visit. Plus, those landmines he is using for lawn ornaments are simply too hazardous for me to navigate in my new Payless platforms. Hopefully, this provides you a little help.

God save the Queen,
Marva

[GalvestonDuck]

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

[stormraiser]

Hey, Lake Effect, thanks for that question. I now know what to do with all those left over Cool Whip containers.

[CaptinCrunch]

Man thats good stuff

[wx247]

I have a question...

What do you buy for the person that never uses anything that you get him? It always goes down into his workroom and then he gives it away a few Christmases later. I don't want to be rude and not get him anything. What should I do?

Sincerely,
Needing Guidance in Missouri

[Suzi Q]

Dear Needing Guidance in Missouri:
Marva can understand how frustrating this can be. Reminds me of a song with a line "After you get what you want, you don't want it". In Marva's vast experience, most men want tools or "workshop" items not so much to use as to show off to their freinds. If you find you are falling into a pattern of buying items that are, in turn, given away, you are missing a key step in gift giving. ALWAYS keep the receipt. Marva feels that if a gift has not been used within 6 months of purchase, it should be returned for something YOU want. Since your man is obviously not paying attention to his growing stash of tools (and what man ever really pays attention), you should be able to swiftly remove the unused item, dash to the store for a refund and SHOP TILL YOU DROP. If he inquires as to a particular items whereabouts, I find the blank look always works along with a comment such as "I don't go out in your workshop. How would I know? But I'd be happy to clean it out for you and maybe it will turn up." An alternate gift giving idea would be something that you want, such as a pattern for that entertainment center you've been wanting, or a romantic cruise, or a trip to a spa. Marva's very own husband was just whining the other day that he needed a new band saw, a very expensive band saw. My response was that if he cleaned up the clutter to actually find a place for it, I would be happy to fork out the cash. That was the end of the discussion. Remember, the man's workshop is his castle, since we all know who really runs the house. They cling to their tools like infants to pacifiers. It is our job to rip those tools out of their hands and treat them like the inferior creatures they are. The sooner you learn this trick the better.

Keeping the men folk in line,
Marva

[Suzi Q]

Marva will attempt to be in the chatroom tonight for all those needing guidance and suggestions. Be warned though that cocktail hour starts early for Marva during the holidays so any advice may be a little off key.

Making the world a more special place,
Marva

[wx247]

Marva will attempt to be in the chatroom tonight for all those needing guidance and suggestions. Be warned though that cocktail hour starts early for Marva during the holidays so any advice may be a little off key.

Making the world a more special place,
Marva

[BEER980]

Dear Marva,
Should I get the .40 cal or step up to the .45 cal? It would be for target and possible CCW down the road.

[Suzi Q]

Dear Beer:
Marva is not that well versed on firearms but I do have a few questions that will enable me to give you a perfect answer, as always. Specifically, what kind of targets are we talking about here? Your neighbor's Christmas lights? That idiot kid who drives down your street at 1:00AM with his stereo blaring at 7000 decibels (his tires, not the kid)? Accidental shooting of your cheating spouse? That stupid train that runs behind your house 36 times a day blowing his horn the entire time, usually in the middle of the night? And what is CCW? My brother Bubba will be returning from his rat hunt expedition so I'll gather some opinions from him. In the interim, please respond to the above questions so I can guide you in the right direction.

Awaiting further information,
Marva

[BEER980]

Dear Marva,

Thank you for the list of additional targets but you left off the terrorist's. I was refering to paper one's at the range. CCW would be concealed carry. I hope the rat hunt went well for Bubba.

[Guest]

Miss Marva

I have a question - how in the hell am I suppose to get everything done in the NEXT 8 days???? Please advise.

Frantic in SE Texas

[Guest]

Miss Marva

I have a question - how in the hell am I suppose to get everything done in the NEXT 8 days???? Please advise.

Frantic in SE Texas

[blizzard]

Miss Marva

I have a question - how in the hell am I suppose to get everything done in the NEXT 8 days???? Please advise.

Frantic in SE Texas

LOL......I warned you Ticka, remember when I told you that there were only 3 saturdays left before Christmas, then two, now one???