Funny Stuff Here!!!!!!!

[blizzard]

I thought that I'd add a little humor into S2K today. Seems like everything is getting really serious. I thought these were very funny.

GYNECOLOGIST/MECHANIC

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful
hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become a
mechanic.

He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up
for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."


The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly,
which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together
again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." The instructor went
on to say, " I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the
muffler."

[blizzard]

LADIES NIGHT OUT

Last night, her friends and she went to a Ladies Night Club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of them, so she pulled out a $10 bill, When the male dancer came over to them, her friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt-cheek! Not to be outdone, another friend pulled out a $20 bill. She called the guy back, licked the $20 bill, and stuck it to his other butt-cheek. In another attempt to impress the rest of them, the third friend pulled out a $50 bill and called the guy over, and licked the $50 bill. she was worried about the way things were going, but fortunately, she just stuck it to one of his butt-cheeks again. Her relief was short-lived. Seeing the way things were going, the guy gyrated over to her!!! Now everyone's attention was focused on her, and the guy was egging her on to try to top the $50. Her brain was churning as she reached for her wallet.... What could she do???? The woman in her took over!. She took out her ATM card, swiped it down his crack, and grabbed the eighty dollars.

[blizzard]

LADIES NIGHT OUT

Last night, her friends and she went to a Ladies Night Club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of them, so she pulled out a $10 bill, When the male dancer came over to them, her friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt-cheek! Not to be outdone, another friend pulled out a $20 bill. She called the guy back, licked the $20 bill, and stuck it to his other butt-cheek. In another attempt to impress the rest of them, the third friend pulled out a $50 bill and called the guy over, and licked the $50 bill. she was worried about the way things were going, but fortunately, she just stuck it to one of his butt-cheeks again. Her relief was short-lived. Seeing the way things were going, the guy gyrated over to her!!! Now everyone's attention was focused on her, and the guy was egging her on to try to top the $50. Her brain was churning as she reached for her wallet.... What could she do???? The woman in her took over!. She took out her ATM card, swiped it down his crack, and grabbed the eighty dollars.

[blizzard]

SENIOR MOMENTS

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have a suppository?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now, I think I know where my hearing aid is."

An elderly couple were on a cruise, and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by, and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up on a rope, attached to her posterior was an oyster, and in it was a $50,000 pearl. . . please advise." The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl, keep her on the rope, and drop her in again."

When she went to lunch one day she noticed an old lady sitting on a park
bench sobbing her eyes out. She stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee." She said, "Well, then why are you crying?"
The old lady said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon." She said, "Well, why are you crying?" The old lady said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m." She said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?" The old lady said, "I can't remember where I live!"

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what it is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

THE SENILITY PRAYER:
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, the brain to remember which is which, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

[blizzard]

ONE LINERS

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.

I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Sh**head's.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun.

[blizzard]

MORE GEORGE CARLIN

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

OK.. so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?

There are three religious truths: Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of The Christian faith. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me ......they're cramming for their final exam.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

[blizzard]

TRUE FACTS!!! REALLY


These are ALL true facts . . .


The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV
were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US
Treasury.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear
better.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Coca-Cola was originally green.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The state with the highest % of people who walk to work:
ALASKA
~~~~~~~~~!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get
this...)
The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven:
$6,400
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 & lived in China in
1910
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The youngest pope was 11 years old.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National
Monuments.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Each king in a deck of cards represents a great king from
history:
SPADES-- King David,
HEARTS-- Charlemagne,
CLUBS--- Alexander, the Great
DIAMONDS-- Julius Caesar
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front
legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front
leg in
the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If
the
horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural
causes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July
4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on
August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I am" is the shortest complete sentence in the English
language.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that
makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q.. What occurs more often in December than any other month?
A. Conception.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most
popular boat name requested?
A.. Obsession
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you
have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield
wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. There are more collect calls on this day than any other
day of the year?
A. Father's Day
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny)
is the most ironic?
A. He was allergic to carrots.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What is an activity performed by 40% of all people at a party?
A. Snoop in your medicine cabinet.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by
ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened,
making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase "goodnight, sleep
tight."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for
a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his
son-in-law
with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their
calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month we know
today as the honeymoon.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old
England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them
mind
their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase
"mind your P's and Q's."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked
into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill,
they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the
phrase inspired by this practice.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~
In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen

Only Ladies Forbidden.... and thus the word GOLF entered into the

English language.

~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick
their elbow

[firefighter16]

Dang I think I peed a lil

[David]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 & lived in China in
1910
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The youngest pope was 11 years old.
~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick
their elbow

The first 2 are amazing.. and the last one is funny.. I didn't though.

[David]

:rofl: Dang I think I peed a lil

too much info.... too much info...

[blizzard]

Come on David, I know you tried to lick your elbow.....lol
Just kidding David....lol

[HurricaneGirl]

Very Nice!!!

[hunter84]

Blizzard wrote "I am" is the shortest complete sentence in the English
language.

and marriage is the longest one. jk

funny stuff

[coriolis]

My favorite:

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?


Thanks Blizzard!

[southerngale]

ROFL!!

FF...I hope you weren't in a pool.