A Week at the gym!!!

[bfez1]

A WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORY
> >
> >If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong
> >with
>
> >you.
> >
> >
> >This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into regular
> workout
> >routine.
> >
> >Dear Diary. .
> >For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
> >week
> of
> >personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am
> >still in
>
> >great shape since playing on my college football team 25 years ago, I

> >decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
> >
> >I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer
> >named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics
> >instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife
> >seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!
> >
> >The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress. .
> >
> >Monday:
> >Started my day at 6:00am.
> >Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I
> >arrived at
>
> >the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a
> Greek
> >goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.
> >Woo Hoo!!
> >
> >
> >
> >Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse
> after
> >five minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so
> >fast,
>
> >but I attribute it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobic
> >outfit. I
>
> >enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics
> class
> >after my workout today.
> >
> >
> >
> >Very inspiring.
> >
> >
> >
> >Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was
> >already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.
> >
> >
> >
> >This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >Tuesday:
> >I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
> Belinda
> >made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air -- then

> >she
>
> >put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but

> >I
> made
> >the full mile.
> >
> >
> >
> >Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.
> >
> >
> >
> >I feel GREAT!!
> >
> >
> >
> >It's a whole new life for me.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >Wednesday:
> >The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on
> >the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it.
> >
> >
> >
> >I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.
> >
> >
> >
> >Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop.
> >
> >
> >
> >I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
> >
> >Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered
> >other
> club
> >members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and
> when
> >she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
> >
> >
> >My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the
> >stair
>
> >monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
> activity
> >rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get
> >in shape and enjoy life.
> >
> >
> >She said some other $hit too.
> >
> >
> >
> >Thursday:
> >Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her
> thin,
> >cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a
> >half
>
> >an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes.
> >
> >
> >
> >Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells.
> >
> >
> >When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room.
> >
> >
> >She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, she put me on the
> >rowing machine
> >
> >
> >--which I sank.
> >
> >
> >
> >Friday:
> >I hate that mean lady Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
> >any
> other
> >human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic
> >little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move
> >without
> unbearable
> >pain, I would beat her with it.
> >
> >
> >Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps.
> >
> >
> >I don't have any triceps!
> >
> >
> >And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the barbells
> >or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
> >
> >
> >
> >The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
> teacher.
> >Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the
> choir
> >director?
> >
> >
> >
> >Saturday:
> >Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
> >shrilly
> voice
> >wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want
> >to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength
> >to even
>
> >use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the
> Weather
> >Channel.
> >
> >
> >
> >Sunday:
> >I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go
> >and thank GOD that this week is over.
> >
> >I will also pray that next year my wife (the mean lady) will choose a
> >gift
> for
> >me that is fun -- like a root canal or a vasectomy.
>
>
>