Here's my idea for affordable health coverage. This is a bare bones policy that will save you lots of money.
1. This policy covers you until the age of 60. Once you've hit that age, that's it. It's up to you to live a productive and satisfying life and to take care of yourself. If you live longer, congratulations, you're doing good!
2. No fancy diagnostic tests. No MRI's, CAT scans, or any thing else that uses an acronym. But you can get all the x-rays you want until you glow in the dark.
3. No name brand drugs. Only generics. You've heard about all the new drugs that get recalled or have unintended side effects. We only allow drugs that have been around long enough that the patent has expired and they are really proven.
4. No transplants. You live with what you've got and you take care of it.
5. No tobacco. If you even look at a cigarette, your policy is cancelled.
6. You must keep your weight down to the recommended levels. If you become overweight, you're out. You must eat your vegetables. We reserve the right to enter your home and inspect your refrigerator. If we catch you at a fast food place, you're cancelled on the spot and we'll embarass you in public.
7. No coverage for preventable diseases. If you don't take care of yourself, it's on you.
8. No motorcycles, skydiving, ATV's, scuba diving, fighting, cussing, or other risky behavior. No coverage for any injury incurred during the commission of a crime. That includes speeding. One traffic ticket and you're out. Your car must have less than 100 horsepower. If we ever find you drunk, you're done.
9. You will wait until the age of 21, and you will have one sexual partner throughout your life. No coverage for "social" diseases.
10. No illegal drugs. No excuses. We reserve the right to administer unannounced tests. No hanging around in the bad part of town. As a matter of fact, you have to be home every night by dark.
11. No mental health benefits. If you live right, you'll feel good about yourself.
12. You go to our doctor. You wait in line, and there's no second opinions. If we can't cure it, there's probably nothing anyone can do.
13. You have to be really sick before you can go to the doctor. If we don't think you're sick enough, we'll send you home.
14. If you get hurt, go to the emergency room. We'll stop the bleeding and patch you up, but it may not be pretty. No plastic or reconstructive surgery benefits. (See #8 above for exclusions.)
15. Maternity benefits: You have your baby and you get back to plowing the field that afternoon.
16. We don't treat any rare or tropical diseases. You're nuts if you go to those places.
17. You have to wait 30 minutes after you eat before you can go swimming. You have to follow all of your mother's tru-isms.
18. You waive your right to sue for malpractice. If one of our doctors make a mistake, you have to understand that we're busy, that we do the best we can, and nobody's perfect. But if someone hurts you on purpose, we'll send Brutus over to take care of them.
low-cost health insurance (a funny)
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