Men vs. Women.... what to expect.

[pojo]

MEN VS WOMEN QUICKIES

How many men does it take to open a can of beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it. (you have fingers...open your own darn beer!)

Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up women?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. (I'm not going there!)

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer the sink. (men usually have longer arms... that allows them to reach the sink when washing dishes!)

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..." (that man my friend would be God!)

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven. (what if a woman wants to see if she can experience a quicky...she can't use the oven)

Why do men break wind more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure. (Men have 3 outputs... the mouth, the brain (you know what I mean) and the butt... all of which work a little too well)

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling
at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. (notice the dog is male... the female dog wouldn't shut up when you let her in)

What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told. (males are always chauvinistic no matter what a women does!)

I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always. [i](Always what? Open mouth... insert foot)[/i]

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months:
I don't like to interrupt her. (you go girl)

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced. (you think she gained intelligence from her man... yea right! Men & intelligence... two things that you cannot find in the same sentence)

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a wedding cake. (yup, I see she found the needle ____! Ladies fill in the blanks)

Marriage is a 3 ring circus:
Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, and Suffering. [i](How else can men go through life?)[/i]

Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me,"What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust." (Typical men... 275 channels in 2 minutes!)

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested. (That's the truth! The only time men get rest is if a women is sleeping, but sometimes she likes to talk in her sleep!! Sorry, men... its a never ending cycle)

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to. (No wonder why women live longer, they know that their brain is attached to their shoulders not inbetween their legs)

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said to her,"I haven't eaten anything in four days."
She looked at him and said. "God, I wish I had your will power." (Gotta love the cravings!)

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: That happens in every country, son. (Well, the lady knows the man... do you think men would be patient enough to understand something that a woman wants, needs...that answer is a resounding NO!)

A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." (New Wife, same problems.....)

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. (She'll make sure you remember it but tattooing her birthday on your forehead)

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful. (Men beautiful... the only beautiful men are gay or married!)