The 12 days of Christmas (Censored)

[TexasStooge]

A friend of mine sent me this via e-mail.

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December 14th

Dearest John:

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.

With dearest love and affection, Agnes


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December 15th

Dearest John:

Today the postman bought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtledoves...I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.


All my love, Agnes


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December 16th

Dear John:

Oh, aren't you the extravagant one. Now, I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity. Three French hens. They are just darling,
but I must insist....You're just too kind.

Love, Agnes


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December 17th

Dear John:

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being way too romantic.

Affectionately, Agnes


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December 18th

Dearest John:

What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love, Agnes


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December 19th

Dear John:

When I opened the door today there were actually six gees a-laying on my front steps. So, you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are HUGE!!! Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP!!

Cordially, Agnes


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December 20th

John:

What's with you and those d**n birds???? Seven swans a-swimming? That kind of stupid joke is this? There's bird sh** all over the house and they never stop the racket. I'm a nervous wreck and I can't sleep at night.

IT'S NOT FUNNY..............So stop with those d**n birds.


Sincerely, Agnes


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December 21st

OK Buster:

I think I prefer the birds. What the h**l am I going to do with eight maids a-milking? it's not enough with all those birds and eight maids a-milking, but they had to bring their own d**n cows. There is sh** all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house anymore. Just lay off me - Smart A**!


Ag

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December 22nd

Hey Sh**head:

What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers piping. And brother - do they pipe. They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset and stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.

You'll get yours,


From Ag


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December 23rd

You rotten jerk:

Now there's ten ladies dancing - I don't know why I call those sl**s ladies. They've been screwing those nine pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of sh**. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm calling the police on you.


One who means it, Ag


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December 24th

Listen Dumb A**:

What's with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and afore mentioned "ladies"? Some of those broads will never walk again.

Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All 234 of the birds are dead. They have been trampled to
death in the orgy. I hope you are satisfied, you rotten swine.

Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister


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December 25th

From the Law Offices of Taeker, Spredar and Bangar

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve drummers drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total.

All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have complete instructions to shoot you on sight.

With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Taeker, Spredar and Bangar

Attorneys at Law

[Brent]

[yoda]