>
> Effective Immediately
>
> DRESS CODE:
> It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
> If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers &carrying a $600 Gucci bag
> we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need
> a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money
> better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not
> need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need
> to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
>
> SICK DAYS:
> We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If
> you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
>
> SURGERY:
> Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you
> need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We
> hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of
> employment.
>
> PERSONAL DAYS:
> Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
> Saturday &Sunday.
>
> VACATION DAYS:
> All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year.
> The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 &Dec. 25
>
> BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
> This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for
> dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to
> have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where
> employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in
> the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your
> lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share
> of the work is done.
>
> ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH:
> This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two
> weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
>
> RESTROOM USE:
> Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future,
> we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For
> instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00
> to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to
> 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will
> be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again.
> In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a coworker.
> Both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In
> addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At
> the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll
> will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken.
> After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company
> bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
>
> LUNCH BREAK:
> Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so
> that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for
> lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat
> people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to
> drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
>
> Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
> positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
> concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
> insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation
> and input should be directed elsewhere.
>
> Have a nice week.
> Management
>
