News Updates: Miss Universe 2003
Miss Russia, a Police Academy graduate whose pastimes include "firing Kalashnikov rifles" and "blowing away Chechen rebels," will represent her country by default because the 1st Runner Up of the Miss Russia contest was underage. The winner gave up the crown after she won Miss Europe.
The 52nd annual pageant, to be held June 3 in Panama City, was marred by violence during rehearsals when Miss Pakistan was caught trying to slip a mini-nuclear warhead into Miss India's sequined evening gown in a dispute over a Kashmir sweater.
Contestants will be judged in three categories — evening gown sex appeal, swimsuit sexuality and bust size.
They will also engage in a talent competition, during which Miss Syria will incinerate a U.S. flag while chanting "Death to the pig-faced American infidels!"
Miss North Korea, a chemical weapons specialist from Pyongyang, will team up with Miss Iraq and Miss Iran for a disturbing but rollicking song-and-dance number called "Axis of Evil."
Miss Palestine, a tall dark missy beauty of Gaza Strip and West Bank descent, will join this years beauty derby as an observer until she won't be mistaken for a suicide bomber while walking down the stage.
In other pageant news:
Miss Iraq, delighted to be the first woman to represent her country in a beauty pageant, will wear an Assyrian tiara, recovered from the looted national museum in Baghdad. "The priceless artifact on my head", she claimed, "will show to the world how much Iraqis respect their national treasures."
A heavily veiled Miss Afghanistan skipped the pre- pageant swimsuit competition but impressed the judges with her courage by admitting that she would strip if it meant the capture of her idol, Osama bin Laden.
Miss Ethiopia, representing her famine-ravaged country, was dismissed by the judges as being "too skinny" and Miss Colombia was penalized for trying to execute two of the judges.
Miss Venezuela who almost missed this year's pageant due to her country's shortage of foreign cash, admitted to the press that she gave up her virginity to Venevision's Cisneros just so she could come up with $80k needed for her contestant expenses in Panama.
The pageant was also rocked by scandal when Miss Italy was disqualified after testing positive for a banned phallic-shaped lipstick.
Miss France and Miss Germany, in their early 60's, were accused by Misses Poland, Hungary, Bulgaria, and USA as being part of "old" Europe.
Miss Chinese Taipei, sobbing unabashly after being told she can't represent her country as Miss Taiwan, swore she will do everything at her disposal even if it meant a month's SARS quarantine in Beijing and eventual execution for her defiance.
Animal rights activists were alarmed after seeing Miss China eating a dozen Palm Civet Cats raw, now suspected carrier of the Coronavirus during a rehearsal for the talent competition.
Miss Hongkong, Miss Singapore, and Miss Canada will be placed on SARSolation throughout the contest. Former UN inspector Hans Blix, now a space suit designer based in Paris, will design their see- thru outfits that will allow them to wear national costumes, swimsuits and evening gowns underneath on pageant night.
Miss USA and Miss Puerto Rico, both of Hispanic descent, receive a racuous applause from the generally Spanish- speaking crowd after singing a hip hoppy rendition of "Oye como va..." but was later found bitch-slapping each other backstage over an Enrique Iglesias look-alike.
Miss Universe 2003 (featuring my new signature line)
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