Here's some Clinton Jokes.....

[pojo]

For those of you that aren't really fond of him.

Clinton at a Baseball Game
Bill and Hillary Clinton go to a Yankees game together. They had VIP seats in the first row. All of a sudden, a secret service agent comes up to Bill and whispers in his ear. A few seconds later, Bill grabs Hillary and throws her out onto the field! The SS agent comes running back to Bill and says, "Mr. President, sir, I think you misunderstood me. I said throw out the first pitch."

Washington Wizard of Oz
Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Newt Gengrich were on their way to meet the Wizard of OZ.
When they met, Al Gore asked for a brain, Newt asked for a heart, and Bill asked "where's Dorothy?"

[David]

Awwwww........ so wrong yet so right and wrong again..

[j]

I'm so fond of both the Clinton's, that I dug up these: (enjoy)

"Yesterday at Barnes & Noble Hillary Clinton had a book signing and a lot of people showed up. 1,200 people showed up and statistically speaking that means 1 in 10 of those people slept with her husband." —David Letterman

"Hillary is everywhere. Last night she's on Barbara Walters, this morning she's on Katie Couric, and tomorrow she goes on Diane Sawyer. This is the first time Hillary has been on more women than Bill." —Jay Leno

"In her book Hillary Clinton said she could have divorced her husband for all of his infidelities, but decided to get counseling instead. In a related story Bill Clinton announced the name of his new book is 'What Does It Take To Get This Woman To Leave Me?'" —Craig Kilborn

"Hillary said that when she first set eyes on Bill Clinton back in college he had a beard and he reminded her of a Viking, which is perfect because she reminded him of Iceland. ... Like a Viking, he is still out conquering and exploring virgin territory." —Jay Leno

"According to USA Today, former President Clinton has already read his wife's new book five times. In fact, the former president has now spent more time in bed with the book than he has with Hillary." —Conan O'Brien

"The A&E network has announced they are making a two hour movie about Hillary Clinton's days in the White House. And of course they haven't come up with a title yet. These are some of the titles they are considering: 'She's too fat, I'm too furious,' 'Dude, Where's my husband?' 'Ken Starr Wars,' 'Bend it like Monica,' 'Crouching Monica, Hidden Cigar,' 'My husband spent Hanukkah in Monica.'" —Jay Leno

"Hillary also said in the book it was a challenge to forgive Bill, but she figured if Nelson Mandela could forgive, she could give it a try. Isn't that amazing? I didn't know Clinton hit on Mandela's wife." —Jay Leno

"Hillary said that one of the reasons she stayed with Bill so long is because no one can make her laugh like he does, especially when he says stuff like, 'I did not have sex with that woman.'" —Jay Leno

"In the book Hillary says she and President Clinton kept their marriage together through counseling. Yeah, that and living in different cities and never seeing each other." —Craig Kilborn

"Hillary Clinton kicked off her big thirty-city book tour to remind us what a private person she is. ... She had a big book signing party at Barnes & Noble and, listen to this, the first fifty people to show up got to sleep with Bill." —David letterman

"Hillary also said that she got advice from Jackie Kennedy. Jackie Kennedy warned her about the dangerous attractions around charismatic politicians. Jackie told her that Bill, like Jack Kennedy, had a personal magnetism that inspired strong feelings from people. Of course, Kennedy attracted good-looking women." —Jay Leno

"Hillary said during the Lewinsky scandal a lot of people reached out at her including the Dali Lama. The Dali Lama called her at the White House. He told her that Bill's ying and yang were out of balance. The Dali Lama told her Bill was spending too much time on his yang." —Jay Leno

"You know who should actually read this book, President Clinton. That way he can find out exactly what she doesn't know about so he can keep doing that." —Craig Kilborn

"Hillary's got this huge book, it's a memoir of her life and times at the White House. In the book she says when Bill told her he was having an affair, she said 'I could hardly breath, I was gulping for air.' No, I'm sorry, that's what Monica said." —David Letterman

"Hillary Clinton says that when President Clinton confessed to her about his affair, she wanted to, quote, 'Wring his neck.' Hillary decided against it when she realized choking Bill would only enhance his orgasm." —Conan O'Brien

"Hillary Clinton's book hits the stores this Monday. Oh boy, it took her a long time to write it. But in her defense, every time she tried to use the desk, Bill was always using it for a date." —Jay Leno

"Hillary told Barbara Walters that Clinton came to her bedside one morning, woke her up to confess and she said she was shocked. Not that he lied, but that Clinton even knew where her bedroom was." —Jay Leno

"Barbara said that she was surprised Hillary Clinton agreed to the interview because Barbara had done the interview with Monica Lewinsky. But Walters says that she believes that as far as Hillary Clinton is concerned Monica is behind her, as opposed to Bill who always felt that Monica was beneath him." —Jay Leno

"The A&E network is making a movie about Senator Hillary Clinton and they want Sharon Stone to play Hillary Clinton. Which explains why President Clinton has volunteered to play himself." —Conan O'Brien

"The word is that Bill Clinton is so distraught over Hillary's new book that he's been drinking. Sweet Lord, we've seen the chicks he hits on when he's sober!" —Craig Kilborn

"Hillary said that after Bill admitted the affair with Monica he would spend time alone with Buddy, the dog. He would spend all his time with Buddy the dog. At least that's how he told her he got those scratches on his back." —Jay Leno

"It's a fascinating book. Hillary said that after Clinton admitted to the affair she yelled at him. She said 'Why did you lie to me?' And he said 'You mean this time?'" —Jay Leno

"In her new book, Hillary said that for months she accepted Bill Clinton's story that Monica was just an intern who would come to him asking for help in finding a job. And of course, he wasted no time in finding a position for her." —Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton's 506-page memoirs comes out next week. So much of her personality shines through, that in the end, you'll want to sleep with an intern." —Craig Kilborn

"In Hillary Clinton's new book 'Living History,' Hillary details what it was like meeting Bill Clinton, falling in love with him, getting married, and living a passionate, wonderful life as husband and wife. Then on page two, the trouble starts." —Jay Leno

"There is a cold front moving across the country. Yeah, it's Hillary starting her book tour." —Craig Kilborn

"The word is that when Bill read the book he wept when he finished it. The last chapter is titled 'The Castration.'" —Craig Kilborn

"Hillary Clinton has written a big book. It's her memoirs about her life in the White House. And she's going to be on the Barbara Walters show. They give Hillary a radical makeover and she's inadvertently hit on by Bill." —David Letterman

"Congratulations to New York Senator Hillary Clinton. She is publishing her book of memoirs of her years in the White House. You know she was there for eight years. It's quite a volume, 600-pages, that's an enormous book. I mean, the thing weighs almost enough for her husband to date." —David Letterman

"Hillary Clinton has finished writing her book where she says her marriage couldn't be stronger, and Bill just finished his book titled 'Chicks I Nailed While Hillary was Writing Her Book.'" —Craig Kilborn

"Word has it that Hillary Clinton will finish her memoirs much earlier than Bill. Hillary's book is called 'Get Off Of Her and Start Writing.'" —Craig Kilborn

"You may think you have a stressful job, but since she's been a Senator, Hillary Clinton, they say, put on 30 pounds. In fact, she has gotten so heavy that today Bill hit on her." —David Letterman

"Hillary Clinton has finished her memoirs for publication next year, while Bill has barely finished the first chapter. Well, in all fairness, fiction is a lot harder to write." —Jay Leno

"I have said that I'm not running and I'm having a great time being pres — being a first-term senator." —Hillary Clinton, commenting on whether she has presidential ambitions

"Senator Hillary Clinton had an embarrassing slip of the tongue the other day. After saying she had no intention of running for President, she said 'I'm having a great time being the Pres, I mean Senator from New York.' Later when she was asked about President Bill Clinton, she said, 'You know I've been married to that son of, I mean that wonderful man.'" —Jay Leno

"According to New York publishers, Bill Clinton will get more money for his book than Hillary Clinton got for hers. Well, duh. At least his book has some sex in it." —Jay Leno

"There was talk this week that Hillary Clinton was going to run for vice president. Now, I didn't know that you could run for vice president. But people were saying, 'Oh no, if it can be done, she's going to do it.' So now, Hillary is very busy denying that she wants to be vice president. I'm just thinking, doesn't it feel good to have a Clinton denying things again." —David Letterman

"We Republicans were almost out of people to hate in the Senate. Teddy Kennedy is just too old and fat to pick on" —P.J. O'Rourke, on why Hillary's Clinton's election victory was a good thing, in his new book, The Ceo of the Sofa

"Hillary Clinton, our junior senator from New York, announced that she has no intentions of ever, ever running for office of the President of the United States. Her husband, Bill Clinton, is bitterly disappointed. He is crushed. There go his dreams of becoming a two-impeachment family." —David Letterman

"My day breaks up like this: 10 minutes doing Senator stuff, 9 hours Sony Playstation." —Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-N.Y.), from the "Top Ten Things Never Before Said By A United States Senator," as heard on the Late Show with David Letterman

"Vanity Fair magazine reports that former President Clinton and Al Gore haven't spoken to each other since George W. Bush's inauguration. Not only that, Bill and his wife, Hillary, haven't spoken since Richard Nixon's inauguration." —Conan O'Brien

"Last night, Senator Hillary Clinton hosted her first party in her new home in Washington. People said it was a lot like the parties she used to host at the White House. In fact, even the furniture was the same." —Jay Leno

"To Pretty Hillary. Welcome to the Senate." —Sen. Strom Thurmond to Sen. Hillary Clinton, on a copy of a cartoon from New York magazine depicting the exuberant embrace he gave her when she was sworn in

"A student from the University of Washington has sold his soul on eBay for $400. He's a law student, so he probably doesn't need it, but still, that's not very much. Today, Hillary Clinton said, 'Hey, at least I got some furniture and a Senate seat for mine." —Jay Leno

"It was reported today that a week ago Hillary Clinton officiated at the wedding of one of her long-time aides. There was one awkward moment. When they got to the point where they asked if anyone had a reason to object, Hillary got out her wedding album." —Conan O'Brien

"If we have an accident it will be 49-49." —Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-N.Y.) on taking a Harley ride with Sen. Ben Nighthorse Campbell (R-Co.)

Bob Dole (to Late Night host Conan O'Brien): "I like your furniture. I've seen furniture like this in the White House. Has Hillary been here?" O'Brien: "Did they really take noticeable stuff from the White House?" Dole: "George Bush invited me to stay in the Lincoln Bedroom last week, and I got there and there wasn't any bed. I don't know what happened to it. It's probably up here somewhere."

"Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton is now facing a kind of personal dilemma. She can't decide whether to drop the name Clinton from her name, or drop the name Rodham. They can't figure out which one is more embarrassing." —Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton is getting a little bit of controversy because she has the most expensive hometown office rent — over $500,000 a year. She's in a one-year lease in the office, as opposed to her marriage, which is on a month-to-month." —Jay Leno

"Senator Hillary Clinton is attacking President Bush for breaking his campaign promise to cut carbon dioxide emissions, saying a promise made, a promise broken. And then out of habit, she demanded that Bush spend the night on the couch." —Late, Late Show host Craig Kilborn

"Hillary said today that she knew nothing about her brother's involvement (in Clinton's pardons). I believe her. This woman didn't even know who her husband was having sex with. How is she going to know what her brother is doing? Six months ago, she just suddenly found out she lived in New York!" —Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton's brother Hugh Rodham allegedly took $400,000 in exchange for two pardons. This is the most embarrassing incident the Clintons have had all week. Of course, this is great news for Roger Clinton. Now, he is no longer the most embarrassing Presidential relative. ... Today, Hillary asked him to return the money. He said he couldn't because he spent the whole 400 grand at the Krispy Kreme doughnut store. ... That is one thing about the Bush family: Jeb didn't take any money for fixing the Florida election. He did it for free." —Jay Leno

"Senator Hillary Clinton was (at Bush's speech).. And it was the first time that she was at a presidential address as a member of congress. Of course Bill loved it, it was like having a Hillary cam. He knew where she was the whole time. He was keeping an eye on her from the motel. 'Trixy bring me another brew, will ya? She is going to be about another 20 minutes.'" —Jay Leno

"Did you know Bill and Hillary Clinton were born under the same sign? Know what sign? 'For Sale.'" —Jay Leno

"Senator Hillary Clinton was there. And it was the first time that she was at a presidential address as a member of congress. Of course Bill loved it, it was like having a Hillary cam. He knew where she was the whole time. He was keeping an eye on her from the motel. 'Trixy bring me another brew, will ya? She is going to be about another 20 minutes.'" —Jay Leno

"President Clinton, this guy is sharp. Boy, he gave Hillary the most romantic Valentine's gift today, a huge rose garden. Where would he get that?" —Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton is the junior senator from the great state of New York. When they swore her in, she used the Clinton family Bible. You know, the one with only seven commandments." —David Letterman

"Can I hug you?" —Republican Sen. Strom Thurmond, 98, to Hillary Clinton after her swearing in as New York’s junior senator

"Where else in the world could you stand on a corner and have people yell ‘Go home!’ in every language?" —Hillary Clinton, on New York City

"CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it." —Jay Leno

"I'm praying, of course, that Hillary will win. If she doesn't — Lord, I'll have to call Revlon again." —Vernon Jordan, friend and adviser to Bill Clinton, on Hillary's New York Senate bid. Jordan came under fire during Clinton's impeachment for having called Revlon to get Monica Lewinsky a job

"If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle." —Hillary Clinton

"If Reaganomics works at all, Whitewater could become the Western Hemisphere's mecca." —Hillary Clinton, in a 1981 letter to business partner James McDougal, on prospects for the future First Family's investment in the ill-fated Arkansas land deal

"You know, if I were a single man, I might ask that mummy out. That's a good-looking mummy." —Bill Clinton, looking at "Juanita," a newly discovered Incan mummy on display at the National Geographic museum

"Probably she does look good compared to the mummy he's been f**king." —Mike McCurry, former White House press secretary, making an off-the-cuff joke to reporters

[pojo]

OMG!!!!!!!!! WOW, talk about Clinton memoirs!

[David]

That's alot of jokes. I don't even remember hearing some on Leno. Thanks for posting.

[mf_dolphin]

We can always make more room for Clinton jokes if we need too. Keep'em coming! LOL

[southerngale]

You asked for it...

After much arguing and deliberation, historians this week have come up with a phrase to describe the Clinton Era. It will be called:
SEX BETWEEN THE BUSHES


As the Clinton administration was drawing to a close, some folks were pondering what we will miss about Bill Clinton.
Best bets:


The Center for Disease Control in Atlanta announced Clinton has proven that you CAN get sex from Aides.

Gennifer Flowers was asked if her relationship with Clinton was anything like Monica Lewinski's. She replied, "Close, but no cigar."

The FBI has coined a technical term for the stains found on Monica's dress "Presidue."

Clinton now recruits interns from only four colleges:
Moorhead, Oral Roberts, Ball State and Bringham Young.

Did you know that Clinton had asked to change the Democratic seal from a donkey to a condom. It represents inflation, halts production, and gives you a false sense of security while you are being screwed.

Washington has come up with a solution for the Clinton situation - They added an 11th commandment: "Thou shall not put thy rod in thy staff."

Arkansas is very proud of Bill Clinton. All these women coming forward,and not one is his sister!

Finally, Hillary Clinton recently went to a fortune teller who intoned, "Prepare to become a widow. Your husband will soon suffer a violent death!" Hillary took a deep breath and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"

[ColdFront77]

This type of thread (long posts) is good for lulls on the board/at night when there aren't many other messages being posted. I mean this in a very good way.

[WidreMann]

On the Simpsons (the Marijuana episode for those who care), Clinton was ending a speech and he said something like: "...It all depends on what the definition of 'was' is... (silence)...you owe me two hundred thousand dollars. Good night, folks." Then later he does a pelvic thrust.