I can't use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures.
I do my housework in the nude. It gives me an incentive to clean the mirrors as quickly as possible.
The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless.
All I'm looking for is a guy who'll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed.
My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice.
Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a Margarita.
Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it.
If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your butt will get soaking wet.
The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely.
Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than a Kia.
Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.
After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching somewhere, you may be dead.