Needing 2 talk. I've been living 2 lies n need to fess up

[MusicCityMan]

I hope u guys don't hate me when I finish this..

#1. I've been living this lie since well before my mom died. Back in early 2003, u may remember.. I began "going 2 school". I was very depressed. My mom gave me an option. either go to school, get a job, or I'm kicking u out.

Well.. I told her.. "alright I'm going to school".. I don't know how I got away with it.. But until early 2005.. I would get on a bus every day and either hang out at the mall, go visit my old HS, or just do things not involving going to college. My mom never asked me where my books were, or my homework and even told me my "graduation day" she didn't wanna go.

The reason why I find it important to confess this is because I think of myself right now as pathetic don't ask me why.. I know u guys were proud of me when I supposedly "graduated".. I just hope ur just as proud of me 4 confessing my lie.

heres' the 2nd one.. I am currently a member of my church. But based on a technicality.. I'm not supposed to be.. My church has 3 requirements to be a member. You get "saved".. and walk the aisle to profess ur faith.. You take a short course on what it's like to be a member of the church.. and u r baptized by immersion as the bible states..

I have not ever been baptized by immersion. Back when I got "saved".. My pastor asked me if I needed baptism and I told him "yes my last church did".. He believed me, and that was the end of it and I became a member. Well.. the last few days.. esp. today it's been SCREAMING AT ME to fess up and go ahead and get baptized for real. I have a good relationship with God and I'm not perfect but say my prayers and try to live the ways God would approve.

I'm scared to confess this to my pastor and others in church because I'm afraid they'll become hypocritical on me.. But I've already been told.. "The ones that do love u and care about u here will say "Good 4 you".. But I'm still scared of fessing up on this..

I feel a lot of things right now. I'm angry at myself because I don't know why I had to lie to my mom about school.. I am worried what church might think about the baptism thing..

{jumps off soapbox} plz respond to me..

[Chacor]

Go for it. "The ones that do love u and care about u here will say "Good 4 you"", and I agree.

I'm sure s2k will stand by you.

[Cookiely]

We all make mistakes and bad choices at times. It sounds like its time for you to come to terms with the lies and make things right. Its the mature thing to do and the people that love you will stand by you.

[MississippiHurricane]

Hey trust me i make mistakes all the time.......id say go for it. Im behind ya 100%

[MusicCityMan]

Thank u Cookie.. I think I'm ready to fess up and let these go.. I believe my now deceased Mom is still proud of everything I've done despite the lies.. and I'm sure God will forgive me 4 the baptism thing..

[artist]

we all make mistakes and that is what God wants from us - to recognize them and confess them and learn from them. You took a big step telling everyone here. Now you should tell your Pastor. God is leading you and you must be hearing Him or you wouldn't be bothered by it. What you did here was not an easy thing. I am proud of you for doing it and what a load off your mid it will be when you go to your Pastor with it. Pray about it, it will be easier than you think.

[MusicCityMan]

Thank u Artist.. I'm going to go to my pastor with it on Wed. or next Sunday..

I've already had at least 2 or 3 people tell me they'll go with me to see pastor if need be.. But I'll go myself and I'll go when I'm ready to do so.. which appears most certainly to be NOW!..

as for the school thing.. I don't know what happened.. My "get up n go".. got up and left.. A girl @ church who has a crush on me by the way thinks that line is hilarious lol..

Anyway.. back on topic.. I just need to realize that I am not this pathetic or loafer or God knows what. I'm a great person despite my faults and God loves me 4 who I am..

[artist]

When you feel ready I think you will finish school as well, just don't wait too long, it will help you in life more than you will ever know. You will get through this and you can go in alone - remember you never really are - He will be with you the whole time. Have you ever read Footprints in the Sand? Do you remember it says the reason you see only one set of footprints is because He is carrying you because He knows you need Him close. Not the exact words, but the meaning is pretty much the same. Good luck to you, Jonathan.

[gtalum]

It's always good to come clean. It can be tough, but in the end it's always a big relief.

I will go further and offer some unsolicited advice: find a way to go back to school and get a degree. You will benefit from it greatly throughout your life.

[MusicCityMan]

I don't know when I'll be ready to go back 2 school.. if ever.. My get up and go, got up and left and I don't know where it is..

I know I have an incredibly gifted talent for what i wanna go to school for. But I actually can't believe I'm going 2 say this.. I'm actually comfortable working at the wal mart. which is kinda sad considering what kinda person I was in HS.. I had so many high expectations for myself.. well, they disappeared.

Thank ya 4 the kind words, artist..

[artist]

Some of what you may be feeling has to do with the loss of your Mother. When we grieve we go through many different emotions and never know how long each one might last. From anger to being mad to being just sad. These are just a few and don't kick yourself to hard just don't let your lack of enthusiam let you not do things you should be doing. I n other words - don't let it lead to depression. Make yourself stay busy and keep on trucking even when you don't feel like it and things will get better in time and you will once again have that zest for life that you once did. Don't be too hard on yourself but don't let yourself dwell on what was, thus getting upset with yourself and not being able to move forward. Just keep on keeping on. You are going to find that drive again one day soon.

[alicia-w]

Self examination is a tough exercise to take yourself through. Dont be too hard on yourself about the baptism issue. I think you have to ask yourself why it was so important to become a member of that congregation but mislead someone about your completion of one of the requirements. On the other hand, your pastor will help you deal with that. I have a feeling that this is just the tip of the iceberg. Are there other things you havent been up front about? A journal is an amazing tool for revelation to self as well as a emotional cleansing ritual....

good luck!

[tropicana]

Just having the courage to confess to the Storm2K family says a lot. You didn't have to confess these 2 untruths, but you did. And I think you are doing well for yourself, in spite of everything that has happened in your life thus far.

I certainly don't think of you any less, and i'm sure i am talking for the majority of the people on this board. You weren't hurting anyone else, though these "lies" were eating away at you on the inside. And we are proud of you for confessing, and more importantly, gonna do the right thing, and even more importantly, continuing to be a member on the board.

Keep posting, don't stop believing in yourself. Every person in this world has some purpose, and nothing happens by chance. There is a reason for every single event.

-justin-

[MusicCityMan]

Alicia..I can't think of anything else I need to be upfront about right now.. I'm going to try not to be too hard about the baptism thing. My pastor will help me as will my church.

There's a young lady I go to church with that even wants to go with me when I go confess the baptism thing to my pastor.. but i think I'd rather do it myself..

As for the school thing.. I hate to bring up an old flame. But if u remember, right before ANDREA.. I had the drive to go to school back and was about ready to go back 2 school.. I took my sats' and got a 1310!.. I don't know what happened.. I got too wrapped up into Andrea and everything around her.

It's like that caused my "get up and go" to run. Hence, my "get up and go".. "got up and left!".. Then of course Mom died, Andrea left me.. and just recently these 2 things {school and baptism} started eating me alive.. and I'm finding it therapeutic as well as helpful to finally purge these.

[gtalum]

I hate to beat a dead horse, but you REALLY should try to get back into school. I think if you get started your drive will come back. You relegate yourself to harder work with fewer rewards for the rest of your life if you don't pursue a college degree.

[Miss Mary]

I hate to beat a dead horse, but you REALLY should try to get back into school. I think if you get started your drive will come back. You relegate yourself to harder work with fewer rewards for the rest of your life if you don't pursue a college degree.

Thank you gtalum - I couldn't have said it better myself. As I sit here typing I have college credits under my belt but no college degree and I'm 52. Long story, doesn't matter right now. What matters is I wish I had gone to college right out of HS. You don't even have to go full time, you can attend part time, work full time and get your degree in 8 or so years that way. But at least you do get it!

College is so important, IMHO.

Along with honesty John. Speaking up, telling the truth, with respect to others, clearing the air, etc. will never let you down.

Wishing you my best here.

[MusicCityMan]

I'm happy at least no one thinks less of me. I don't want to go to school! I don't know why but I don't.. Am I 100% happy in the retail business? NO.. more like 75-80 percent lol..

I know I have a gifted talent that could get me a 6 or 7 digit salary if I were to use it.. But my drive to use that talent has disappeared.

The confessing of my lies is going to help.. I'm sure as I feel a lil better already. But I dont know how many people I work with will care about the church thing.. I'm sure they'll care about the school thing..

I just feel bad because Mom would always tell me "how proud she was" when I was "pretending" to go to school.

It's funny because everytime I see someone doing a job that I know I can do.. I always say.. "I bet I can do that job better than.."{whoever}!

Maybe I just need to say some prayers and continue to talk to my church people as well as any others that'll listen {including u guys of course lol}

[artist]

you don't have to tell everyone Jonathon. Just those that it matters to. I would not go telling anyone at work. It is not important. Unless you mean about going to school. If that's the case then just tell them simply I don't want to go to school therefore I'm not. That is all that needs to be said.

[MusicCityMan]

true, I don't need to tell "everybody".. That would get it carried away lol..

There are several people at work who I consider my adopted "moms, or sisters" so they may wanna know whats been bugging me.

Other than that.. I don't know.

[Ptarmigan]

I really don't need to know this. Then again, it was brave of you to come forward and admit to your own lies. As GTAlum said, you should go back to school. You will thank yourself.