2029 Headlines

[southerngale]

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January, 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.

[Cryomaniac]

[Squarethecircle]

Funny, but yeesh, that's scary.

[Cyclone1]

Ohh I've done this before! This is a load of fun.

---
Tropical Storm Arlene forms on May 20th , making this the latest start to a hurricane season in 20 years.

Clay Aiken has his 4th child with wife Kelly Clarkson. Gay rumors still afloat.

"Can You Dodge A Bullet?" has started its 3rd season on Fox. Ratings have never been higher.

The war between South Dakota and North Dakota was declared over. They have now merged into Dakota.

Plans for the Playstation 10 have been released today. It will be a room that you actually add on to your house. It is predicted to sell less units than the Nintendo Evriibodii due to be released later this year.

The Broadway Musical "Halo" is now showing. It's based off the movie which is based of the series of games, specifically the first four.

Earth's name was changed to iPlanet, since Steve Jobs purchased the planet. Bill Gates made a deal with Jobs to split the palent half-and-half. While the Western Hemisphere is know known as iHemispehere, the Eastern Hemisphere is now known as Hemesphere XP.

Tropical Depression 105 formed over Tennessee, the new virtual director of the NHC, known as the GFS, is calling for only a slight strengthening to Tropical Storm ╒Ü╗. This would be the first time we've had to use the Martian Alphabet to name tropical cyclones since 2016.

That's all I've got. I like yours, SG.

[tropicana]

i love those..here are mine:-

1. Students on day-long field trip stranded on the Moon as spaceship experiences mechancial problems

2. American Idol Season 37 and Big Brother Season 40 set to start in January

3. Tile falls off roof of 424-storey building in downtown Manhattan, no one hurt

4. US Government house thousands of Bermudans as island sinks underwater

5. Transit update study : average commute to work now takes average civilian 5 hours 12 minutes one way

6. 24 hour Malls say experiment to never shut their doors since 2011 was best decision yet..business up 212%

7. Petrol-based automobiles a thing of the past

8. Man teaches dog to talk, appearing on forever-living Larry King Live Wednesday.

9. People run outside in glee as first snowflakes in 22 years fall in Toronto

10. Myth becomes reality as scientists discover that trees that do fall in the middle of forest without anyone around really do not make any noise.

[HURAKAN]

1. President José Gutierrez announces that Spanish will become the official language of the Estados Unidos de América (United States of America). For the first time Cervantes' tongue rules from the North Pole to the South Pole.

2. Bangladesh is abandoned as most of the country is now part of the Indian Ocean.

3. As of March 1, 2029, Bigfoot and Nessie haven't been found!

4. Puerto Rico becomes the 51st state of the United States. Not everyone is happy.

5. Millions of people visit the New York Zoo each year to take a look at the last Polar Bear. It's death will signify the end of its specie.

6. China's economy continues to grow and now lead have become scarce in the country.

7. Florida divides into two states. North remains as Florida. South becomes "Latinoamérica" (Latin America).

8. Mars was finally visited by humans. No Martians were found.

9. Oprah announces plans to own a country in Africa. The name of the country has not been disclosed yet.

10. A recent poll indicates that ex. President Bush approval rating is still ~1%. This is after 20 years of leaving power.

11. Osama Bin Laden is now presumed dead, but has not been found.

[brunota2003]

Haha, I'll try...

1. Season 45 of LOST begins in early Feb. Fans are wondering what questions are left to ask without revealing any answers at all, a trait only the producers of LOST could pull off.

2. Writers strike continues, no end in sight.

3. New law is set to come into effect in early 2040, restricts all gun ownership to the military and police officers. Democrats and the U.N. happy to finally have disarmed everyone but the criminals and crime fighters.

4. Any type of jail sentence is discovered to be "inhumane" and all criminals are set free, given a gun as their parting gifts.

5. Rambo 15 set to come into theaters on April 15, showing heroes really do just reload.

6. Iran continues to be a pain, trying to achieve nuclear fusion, something the U.S. could not perceive them getting.

7. Hurricanes continue the weird trends, one forming over the Mid-Atlantic Ocean and impacting portions of Canada with winds as strong as 130 mph.

8. Man steps foot onto Pluto, finds out that it really does classify as a planet.

9. Patriots go a perfect 80-0 to win the regular season of football, looking for their 15th Super Bowl win in the past 30 years.

10. All football games are now held inside of climate controlled domes, amid complaints from fans that football is SUPPOSED to be played outdoors in the elements.

[Ptarmigan]

Let see. Some of it comes from the movie, Idiocracy.

1.) The most watched television show is OW! My Balls!
2.) The Violence Channel is the most watched network on television.
3.) Ass is the number one movie.
4.) The presidential election of 2028 is still being contested.
5.) The 2029 Atlantic Hurricane season had 50 storms, 30 hurricanes, and 15 major hurricanes, including one hypercane that levels the entire Atlantic Basin.
6.) The Simpsons is on its 40th season and it is stale, after going through ten movies.
7.) New England Patriots win the Super Bowl again after their 10th appearance in a row.
8.) All networks show only reality shows.
9.) Carl's Jr. is a conglomerate and buys up other corporations.
10.) Everyone has to have a barcode tattoo and national ID card.

[Category 5]

Iceberg sighted near Greenland, fears of Ice Age arise

Rocky XXIV number 1 at the box office

Cubs lose world series on balk, dry spell continues

Atlanta Falcons complete their best season in over 20 years, 5-11.

World Series of Poker champion tests positive for steroids.

Fiedel Castros health failing, is the end finally near?

Record low Atlantic Hurricane Season, 31/17/9

FCC fines Bill Oreilly for use of the word "Silly".

Christmas trees outlawed, deemed offensive.

Knicks fans chant "FIRE ISIAH" as the Knicks fail to win 15 games for the 22nd consecutive season.

Double Jeopardy done away with, O.J Simpson arrested.

[Tampa Bay Hurricane]

1. Dangerous Cold Snap heads for Florida, temperatures
could drop as low as 65 degrees. Residents are urged to
dress warmly.
2. Aliens from other galaxies have negotiated a contract
with the government to submit to experiments for
drug corporations.
3. The United States and Saudi Arabia have become
such close friends (the presidents of each have) that
the US is now United Arabia.
4. Heat Wave to follow cold snap over the southeast
US: Temperatures could soar to 140 degrees across
Georgia and Alabama.
5. Hurricane Theta packs winds of 190 mph and could
impact North Carolina later today.
6. New computer gadget a watch that has all the capabilities
of a computer including 100 programs, Unlimited Internet,
Unlimited Music.
7. Latest song from Lil' Bush:
Cheney boy up in this House
Watch him crank it, watch him role,
Watch him crank that War Declaration
and SuperPower Middle East
Now watch him fight,
Crank that WMB
x3

Cheney boy up in this House
Why we jump and why we bounce
Superman that Saudi Arabia
Now Watch him crank that Iran House,
Super Fresh now watch him yell,
Screaming at that Leahy mate,
Haters from Iran have no Weapons to make!

Now YOUUUUU! Cheney's bouncin on Arabia's gas,
And when He gets to fight then he's stealing on Arabia's gas,
You'll find him at the Oil Fields,
Yes he Pumps it Everyday,
Haters get mad cause he's got him some Oil Mates!!!

[Dionne]

1) Planets population continues to dwindle, currently at less than 900,000. Reports vary.

2) Officials warn that fresh water will soon cost $5 liter. H2O police brigades on alert.

3) Rainfall was reported in both Argentina and the west coast of North America.

4) Lottery scheduled for next month is suspended. Underground facilities still over maximum occupancy.

5) "Surface Farmers"......the most risky occupation on the planet will be the most viewed documentary.

6) Mathematicians find the largest...real number.... discovery. They both commit suicide within 24 hours.

7) Surface Growers in south Florida anticipate a bumper crop of oranges at season change out.

8) Cash for weapons program is abandoned. Experts site the lack of ammunition as a contributing factor.

9) Scrap metal continues to rise.....currently at $14.63/kilo/small foundry high grade.

10) Now I'm supposed to say Jesus came back. But he hasn't yet.

[Tampa Bay Hurricane]

1. Serious Mental Illness, including Paranoid Schizophrenia,
Severe Anxiety Disorder,
and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder are on the rise and recent
studies show that abusive authorities are responsible for
triggering the illness in adolescence.
2. Administrator fired after enslaving student
3. Grade School Discrimination up 185%; Psychology Journals
report that 3 times the number of adolescents are developing
severe mental illness.
4. Leaders pushing for legislation to help protect
adolescents from abusive treatment and to provide
more funding for the treatment of mental illness.
5. Teen suicide linked to "abusive" environment; Department
for Protection of Children Facing Lawsuit and possible criminal
charges.

These headlines would represent some of the things
that I have experienced or witnessed. Life is corrupt.

[Dionne]

It's such a pleasant surprise when someone surfaces that doesn't use the letter "k" in schizophrenia.

[TexasStooge]

Hillarious!!!