All Together Now: GROAN!

[TexasStooge]

I love my Job
I love my Job, I love the Pay!
I love it more and more each day.
I love my Boss; he's the best!
I love his boss and all the rest.
I love my Office and its location -
I hate to have to go on vacation.
I love my furniture, drab and gray,
and the paper that piles up every day!
I love my chair in my padded Cell!
There's nothing else I love so well.
I love to work among my Peers -
I love their leers and jeers and sneers.
I love my Computer and all its Software;
I hug it often though it doesn't care...
I love each Program and every File,
I try to understand once in a while!!
I'm happy to be here, I am I am;
I'm the happiest Slave of my uncle Sam.
I love this Work: I love these Chores.
I love the Meetings with deadly Bores.
I love my Job - I'll say it again -
I even love these friendly Men -
These men who've come to visit today
in lovely white coats to take me away!!

[LaPlaceFF]

A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub... She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no,"
he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands
beyond his beard and into his hair.


"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can
do?"

"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her
forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers
into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say. "Tell him," she
whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies
room."

[TexasStooge]

Cat Diary

Day 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

Day 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair . . . must
try this on their bed.

Day 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

Day 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was . . . Hmmm. Not working according to plan . . .

Day 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foaming chemical called "shampoo". What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

Day 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of
"allergies". Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

Day 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time . . .

[TexasStooge]

The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived.

The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo."This", he said, "is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it".

At which a Smart Alec stepped forward - there is always one - and spoke into the Ultimate Computer's microphone. "Where is my father"? he asked. There was a whirring of wheels and flashing of lights that the manufacturers always use to impress lay people, and then a little card popped out. On it were printed the words "Fishing off Florida". Smart Alec laughed. "Actually", he said, "my father is dead"!

It had been a tricky question!!

The salesman, carefully chosen for his ability to think fast on his feet, immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as computers were precise, perhaps he might care to rephrase his question and try again?

Smart Alec thought, went to the Ultimate Computer and this time said, "Where is my mother's husband"? Again there was a whirring of wheels and a flashing of lights. And again a little card popped out. Printed on it were the words:

"Dead. But your father is still fishing off Florida."

[TexasStooge]

A young man was driving up a steep, winding and narrow mountain road. Going round a tight corner, he notices a woman driver who is coming in the opposite direction begin to lean out of her window. As they pass each other she yells at him - "PIG!!!!"

The man immediately leans out of his window and screams back at her, "WITCH!!!"

Each continues on their way, and as the man rounds the next bend he crashes into a pig, right in the middle of the road...

If only men would listen......

[TexasStooge]

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth, but with no scuba gear whatsoever. The diver went below another 20 feet, and the guy joined him a moment later. The diver went down even farther and the same guy was right behind him.

The confused diver took out out his waterproof chalkboard and wrote, "How the heck are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?"

The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote,

"I'm drowning, you freakin moron...!"

[LaPlaceFF]

Santa was very upset. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right!

Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had while making the toys. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.

Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours and all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree!"

He continued, "And I sent that stupid Little Angel out hours ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"

Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree behind him.

He said, "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?"

And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas tree came to pass........

[dizzyfish]

[TexasStooge]

The dinner guests were sitting around the table discussing life.? One man, a CEO, decided to explain the problem with education.? He argued, "What's a kid going to learn from someone who decided his best option in life was to become a teacher?" He reminded the other dinner guests what they say about teachers:? "Those who can, "do", those who can't, teach".

To corroborate his point, he said to another guest, "You're a teacher, Susan, be honest, What do you make?"

Susan, who had a reputation for honesty & frankness, replied, "You want to know what I make?

I make kids work harder than they ever thought they could.

I make a C+ feel like the winner of the Congressional Medal of Honor.

I make kids sit through 40 minutes of study hall in absolute silence.

You want to know what I make?

I make kids wonder.

I make them question.

I make them criticize.

I make them apologize & mean it.

I make them write.

I make them read, read, read.

I make them show all their work in math & perfect their final drafts in English.

I make them understand that if you have the brains, & follow your heart, if someone ever tries to judge you by what you make, you must pay no attention because they just didn't learn."

Susan paused & then continued, "You want to know what I make?? I make a difference.

. . . . . .What do you make?"

[TexasStooge]

God created the mule, and told him, "You will be mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and you lack intelligence. You will live for 40 years."

The mule answered, "To live like this for 40 years is too much. Please,
give me no more than 20." And it was so.

Then God created the dog, and told him, "You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 30 years."

And the dog responded, "Lord, to live 30 years as a dog is too much.
Please, no more than 15 years." And it was so.

God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are Monkey. You shall
swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you
shall live for 20 years."

And the monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the
world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years." And it
was so.

Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational
being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery
over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for
20 years."

And the man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little.
Please, Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog
refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected." And it was so.

And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20
years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he
is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and
eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to
live 10 years as a monkey, acting like a clown to amuse his grandchildren.

[TexasStooge]

A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence. "Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?"

"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."

"You sell them here?" the customer asks.

"Only $5 each," says Green.

The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.

"You didn't eat enough," says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.

"Hey, Green," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $5 apiece when I can buy the whole fish for $3. You're ripping me off!"

"You see?" says Green. "You're smarter already.

[TexasStooge]

A BLONDE GUY GETS HOME EARLY FROM WORK AND HEARS STRANGE NOISES COMING
FROM THE BEDROOM. HE RUSHES UPSTAIRS TO FIND HIS WIFE NAKED ON THE BED,
SWEATING AND PANTING.

"WHAT'S UP?" HE SAYS.

"I'M HAVING A HEART ATTACK," CRIES THE WOMAN.

HE RUSHES DOWNSTAIRS TO GRAB THE PHONE, BUT JUST AS HE'S DIALING, HIS
4-YEAR-OLD SON COMES UP AND SAYS "DADDY! DADDY! UNCLE TED'S HIDING IN
YOUR CLOSET AND HE'S GOT NO CLOTHES ON!" THE GUY SLAMS THE PHONE DOWN AND
STORMS UPSTAIRS INTO THE BEDROOM, PAST HIS SCREAMING WIFE, AND RIPS
OPEN THE WARDROBE DOOR. SURE ENOUGH, THERE IS HIS BROTHER, TOTALLY NAKED,
COWERING ON THE CLOSET FLOOR. "YOU ROTTEN S.O.B.," SAYS THE HUSBAND,
"MY WIFE'S HAVING A HEART ATTACK AND YOU'RE RUNNING AROUND NAKED SCARING
THE KIDS!"

[TexasStooge]

A blonde was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

"No, from skipping."

[TexasStooge]

This guys in bed with his wife when there's a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half three in the morning. He thinks about getting the door for a moment and rolls back over.

Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and this guy is standing outside.

"Hey," says the stranger, "can you give us a push?"

"No, go to hell! It's half past three. I was in bed sound asleep," says the man and shuts the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Russel, you are such a ! Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to go to hell? You should be ashamed!"

So after that tongue-lashing, he gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey fella, do you still want a push?" and he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah please, man."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

The guy replies, "I'm over here...on the swings!"

[TexasStooge]

A little kid walks to and from school each day. One morning the weather was bad, with threatining clouds forming as he made his daily trek to primary school.

In the afternoon, a gale was brewing as was the coming thunder and lightning.

The kid's Mother was very concerned that her son would be fearful as he walked home, and god forbid anything should happen to him on the way home with such an electrical storm...

Following the roar of thunder, lightning would cut through the sky like a flaming sword.

Full of concern, the Mother quickly decided to drive along the route her kid goes to school from.

As she did so, she saw her little boy walking along, but at each flash of lightning, he would stop, look up and smile.

With each crash of thunder and then lightning, the little boy would look at the streak of light and smile.

When the mother's car drew up beside the child, she lowered the window and called to him, "What are you doing? Why do you keep stopping?"

The child answered, "I am trying to look nice. God keeps taking my picture."

[TexasStooge]

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
-------------------------------
"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming."
Alan, age 10

"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with."
Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
-------------------------------------
"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then."
Camille, age 10

"No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married."
Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
--------------------------------------------------
"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people."
Eddie, 6

"You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids."
Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
--------------------------------------------------
"Both don't want no more kids."
Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
----------------------------------
"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
Lynnette, age 8.

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date."
Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
--------------------------------------------------------
"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns."
Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OK TO KISS SOMEONE?
-------------------------------
"When they're rich."
Pam, age 7

"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that."
Curt, age 7

"The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do."
Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
--------------------------------------
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them."
Anita, 9

"Single is better, for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing."
Kirsten, age 10

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
--------------------------------------------------------------
"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?"
Kelvin, age 8

"You can be sure of one thing - the boys would come chasing after us just the same as they do now."
Roberta, age 7

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
-----------------------------------
"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck."
Ricky, age 10

[TexasStooge]

This lady is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all out. She had a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party starts, two bums show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some wood out back.

Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house. Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown has not shown up, and finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic, and will probably not make the party at all. The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself. She happens to look out the window and sees one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air.

She speaks to the other bum and says, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvellous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"

The bum replies, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"

[breeze]

Groooooooaaaaaaaaaannnnnn!!!!

[breeze]

"Hello? Is this the FBI?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report on my neighbor Virgil Smith. He's hiding
marijuana inside his firewood!"
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the FBI agents descended on Virgil's house.
They search the shed where the firewood was kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood,
but found no marijuana. They sneered at Virgil as they left.

A few minutes later, Virgil's phone rang.
"Hey, Virgil. This here is Floyd. Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Sure did."
"Happy Birthday, buddy!"

Who Says Rednecks Aren't Smart?

[TexasStooge]