Musings on a coworkers divorce.

[coriolis]

A co-worker was served papers yesterday at work. He had to leave and was given 5 minutes to go back to his house and get some personal items. His wife got a protection from abuse order and he's not allowed in the house that they own together. Granted, we don't know what goes on behind closed doors, but in the wink of an eye, his entire life is turned upside down. They are now officially separated and a divorce seems imminent. There is to be a hearing next week to decide who stays and who goes, and if he goes, how and when he can get the rest of his stuff, etc.

So it seems that an irate spouse can create a lot of problems, whether it is justified or not. I know that there can be a fine line between love and hate, and when love is disappointed or scorned, it can get really ugly. Makes me wonder how often people are really able to separate "amicably?"

I wonder how often a spouse just leaves vs. how often a spouse must be kicked out, and what are the implications on common property, and even personal property. It makes me think that people need to really be sure before they do get married. I believe that the statistics are that like 50% of marriages end in divorce. So there must be a lot of angry people out there. What is this world coming to?

My parents, if they were living in the here and now probably would have gotten a divorce. They had issues much more serious than some of the crybabies today who decide to call it quits. I believe in my heart that as a result of sticking it out (or being forbidden by the church to divorce), my parents got over their problems and in thier golden years have been richly blessed.

Sometimes I wonder what the heck I was doing when I got married, and I get all kinds of conflicting thoughts and feelings running through my head. I have to conclude that life is better together (although its a close call), and (I won't apologize for saying this) it's probably the right thing for us to stick together, even if all the emotional expectations seem like secondary factors. I see what this guy is going through, and think that with just a little more effort on my part, I can make things better and avoid all that mess. Cynical? maybe. Realistic, definitely. I suppose that matters of the heart should not be decided by cold rationality, but it can definitely help to think clearly.

Does this strike a chord with anyone? I'd appreciate your thoughts, corrections, challenges, experiences, either here or by PM.

[Miss Mary]

I guess there is a fine line between love and hate. In my case, it doesn't apply. I was very decent when divorcing my first husband - more than! Considering the fact he moved in with his girlfriend of 2 years. People said I should have tossed his sorry butt out years before or taken him for all he was worth (not much), certainly more than the 50% of everything I asked for. Why you might ask? Well, my own parents had a terribly sad marriage. Years of verbal fighting, she'd throw and break dishes but my dad never laid a hand on her. The flip side is I never saw them happy together and I honestly can't remember my dad ever kissing her hello or goodbye on his way to work in the morning. It was more like my mom dreading the moment he came in from work, the mad rush to have dinner on the table. Why I don't know....my dad was a very decent man. I really think this is why I didn't take my ex for all he was worth. I wanted to hold my head up high after our divorce and know I handled myself well. I did, for the most part. Sure I ranted, raved, cried, nearly begged for things to work out but in the end, it was futile. He wanted another life and it was time for me to find one on my own. I am so much happier now than I ever dreamed possible (in 1983-84, my personal year from haites, only one to top it was my year fightng cancer).

If my parents hadn't such an unhappy marriage, a bitter divorce and couldn't even be civil to one another at subsequent weddings in the family, would I have been so decent back then? I'd like to think I still would have been but deep down, I saw the turmoil behavior like your coworker is going thru causes. It affects everyone involved.

I still believe in the good in people, in marriage, it's basically who I am. I just picked the wrong guy first time around! What did I know - I met him in High School when I was 17!!!!

Be a friend to this man Ed. He's going to need one. I feel for him, I really do. Sometimes spouses can quickly close that door and it's over for them. I couldn't do that, it took me about 7 months to realize only I could make a new future for myself.

Do they have children? I hope not but if they do, I will pray they will not be deeply affected by all of this. But sadly, they will be. I carry scars from my parents decades of fighting. Iknow I do.

In the end you have to follow what you believe in and I guess I stand for honesty, fidelity (oh yeah, big time, take that Brad Pitt, sorry Alicia if you're reading but he went from a 10 in my book to a -10!), goodness, decency and just plain being nice to one another. But not being a pushover either.

Hope I'm making sense here. Guess your topic did strike a chord with me!

Mary

[azskyman]

Hi Mary....there is harmony today in the chord that was struck. Whatever else happens when a person is witness to pain and agony and ugliness, they learn some things and then they learn some more things.

I know of no marriage that has been blessed with oozing honey and fragrant flowers on each and every page of the journey's log. Kathy and I celebrate 35 years together on Monday, and there were times as recently as 7 years ago when it could have taken a different course...a separate course.

Still, the sting of commitments that sometimes seem loaded with incompatiblity can often be offset by some common goals...interests...and mostly respect of space and differences.

We've become great friends...a support system for one another like no other...but not always on parallel sides.

I can't imagine that any new relationship would be without great challenges and insurmountable differences after this long. And as for the younger ones who cannot make it, I think some (not all) find the work too hard, the investment to great, and the patience too thin, to give it a real and sincere go.

There's a great difference to in a divorce that takes place to get "out of something" and one that takes place to "get into something new." Both can leave you empty.

No broadbrush answers here...but I know the value of commitment. Not at all costs, but at some cost. Not to protect the lives of others, but to honor the lives of two.

My humble conservative Midwest childhood is never too far away.

[Kim_in_MN]

You definitely struck a chord here too; my divorce seven years ago was not amicable at the time but we didn't fight over possessions or the kids, I just didn't want to see him ever again, which was kind of hard when we were both living in a town of 70 people (me in our house, and he in his girlfriend (of two weeks ROFL) house).

Coriolis, you are right - no relationship is going to be constant joy - people have to be willing to work to keep the relationship positive at times, and even if both people work at it it may be tough. I made the mistake of marrying someone who I found wasn't willing to work at it, and I hope he learns HOW to make his relationships work soon; he married the girlfriend shortly after our divorce was final, and a mutual friend tells me that they are now having problems; something I don't want to see for the sake of all of the kids involved. Some people are more willing to cut and run because it seems easier for them personally, not thinking of all of the other lives they are affecting.

On a positive note, my ex and I get along very well now; we all go to the kids school/church functions as a big group; his parents come and stay at my house to spend time with the kids. I just hope he pulls it together in this relationship instead of bailing out again; after spending too many years blaming myself for whatever little things I did that caused him to leave, I have finally realized that maybe his personality and refusal to work on his relationships was the biggest contributor to our breakup.

Kim

[coriolis]

Kim you said those dreaded words that set off the fog machine in my brain, make my eyes roll back into my head, and trigger some primal fight or flight instinct: "work on the relationship." Please explain. It seems like such a cliche'. What is this "working on the relationship?" If I was Tim Allen, I'd be making funny faces and sounds right now.

Like Mary said about her dad: he seemed like a thoroughly decent man, but that didn't seem to be enough. I am seeing some commonalities there. Me and my dad too: Don't drink, don't smoke, don't gamble, don't beat the wife, come home on time everyday, etc, etc etc. But yet, you see SOME husbands with seriously negative behaviour, and the wife sticks it out. So here we have decent men who are apparantly not satisfying the wife's needs. Do you mean that we have to show some EMOTION? YUK! Why does life have to be so hard?

[breeze]

I am twice divorced - both were peaceable, but, now, you must remember
that no children were involved. That could've made the whole deal turn ugly,
depending on a lot of things. But, both times, between two adults, we were
able to divide properties without argument, and, still speak to each other,
after the fact.

[Kim_in_MN]

[quote="coriolis"]Kim you said those dreaded words that set off the fog machine in my brain, make my eyes roll back into my head, and trigger some primal fight or flight instinct: "work on the relationship." Please explain. It seems like such a cliche'. What is this "working on the relationship?" If I was Tim Allen, I'd be making funny faces and sounds right now.[quote]

OK, I shouldn't have used those words , sorry. But to be successful at anything, it takes some work - your career, learning a new skill, etc. Working at a relationship to me would mean that (in this case, anyway) he didn't communicate at all - if something I did got on his nerves, he never mentioned it. He acted happy all of the time; as far as I knew, life was fine for both of us, until the day that he moved out - seriously; in fact, he even said that he didn't want anyone to know that everything in his life wasn't perfect, so I had no clue, his friends and family had no clue. Since he traveled a lot for his job, it wasn't a situation where I saw him every single day - maybe if I had I would have noticed that something had changed; but I have long since quit blaming myself for that - on occasions when I noticed that he wasn't quite his normal self and asked if something was wrong, I got some lame excuse about work. He simply wasn't able to communicate anything. Then, all of a sudden it was "I can't take this anymore" and I was alone with a five year old and a six month old. To me, if you are in a marriage, before it gets to that point, you should have the decency to communicate the fact that there are things that are making you unhappy and see if something can be done to change them; sorry if it requires emotion, but communication is necessary for a relationship/marriage to work.

Kim

[alicia-w]

I am twice divorced and quite honestly, wouldnt hesitate to cross the street if either of them seemed to be in trouble. I know you're supposed to help your fellow man in times of trouble but neither of them are human. So it doesnt count. I'm sure some folks must be able to split amicably. I wasnt one of them.

[JenBayles]

Dave and I were first married in 1989, divorced in 1998. We probably had the friendliest divorce ever recorded. Why? Same reason we got divorced: we never had a fight! Honest to God, we never got a clue how to communicate, and if a harsh word ever came up, one or both of us would run for the hills and the issue was never cleared up.

Six months after the divorce, we finally learned how to talk and have a disagreement without it meaning the end of the world. Some of you might recall Dave and I were remarried last July. So far, it's better than ever - we "fight" far more often!

[Kelarie]

Maybe this isn't the right place to be saying this, but I am on the opposite side of the coin. My fiancee and I are getting married in September. The one thing that we have learned (and which was stated several times) is that communication is key. We talk to each other, go fishing, but have our own interests. But the best thing is, he is my best friend and vice versa.

I think that as we grow together that there is nothing we can't face together.

All of that said, I think that is why alot of marraiges fail today. People don't communicate to each other, they forget why they got married in the first place. I saw this happen to my parents who had been married for 23 years. They had us kids, and forgot about themselves. Seem that happen more than once.

My thoughts.

[coriolis]

I'm taking this all in, guys. This is good.

[Miss Mary]

Ed - read Stooge's topic about the 46 year old lady contracting AIDS from her now ex-husband. After my divorce, I remember shuddering a few times, imagining I never had to worry about such things, or so I thought. My ex could have given me anything too! That's one aspect of a trusting spouse - thinking their wife/husband is not fooling around and exposing them to AIDS, VD, etc. I got out without any of that - whew! Close call, since my ex was a liar too......he would have lied thru his teeth.


Mary