Help, please

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alicia-w
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Help, please

#1 Postby alicia-w » Fri Feb 10, 2006 5:07 pm

I'm in a bit of a pickle and would appreciate some CONSTRUCTIVE comments.

My other half and I both work in the same office. We were recently offered positions at another organization in NM. The gentleman I'm coordinating with has sent me a couple of documents to review and I've done that. My response to him was that due to some high priority suspenses in the office, I wouldnt be able to get my comments to him until today. He didnt have a problem with that and I did send them.

My husband has been gone for the last few days and has no idea what i've accomplished or not while he was gone (thank GOD i dont work for him...). anyway, this morning on the way to work, he starts SCREAMING at me (and i do mean this quite literally) that I'm setting a bad example for myself and it doesnt look good that I didnt immediately respond to this guy and that i've just endangered our chances of filling the new posts.

i basically told him to take the crispiest path to you-know-where and ignored him the rest of the day.

here's the problem: we're supposed to go on one of our two annual vacations next month and i can even stand to be in the same building with him. how do i handle this? he is a real tyrant (my mom would have said something about Napoleon right now) and gets this sanctimonious attitude when he's been on the road. he leaves again tuesday for a week, comes home for a day, leaves for another week, comes home for a day, gone for another two weeks and then we go on our vacation.
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#2 Postby DaylilyDawn » Fri Feb 10, 2006 5:34 pm

Tell your hubby that you did nothing wrong. You contacted the person at once and told him you could not get your comments to him immediately due to problems in current office that needed taking care of at that moment. Tell hubby that if his attitude doesn't improve you will not accompany him on vacation.
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#3 Postby nicdeedoop » Fri Feb 10, 2006 5:41 pm

Alicia, this is a hard position to be in, I personally CANNOT work with my husband. Been there, done that, have the T-shirt. I'm assuming you have a very strong work ethic and a pretty much an independant person since it sounds like you're on your own a lot. And you are probably still feeling the sting of his verbal "attack" this morning and took it as an attack on everything you represent. So take a breath and try to think why he was so upset, does he feel insecure about the move to N.M.? Is he seconding guess your decision to leave the beautiful yet overpriced Emerald Coast? Did anything else happen before this? Most of all, try in the calmest way you can, in the least antagonizing way, to let him know that he really hurt your feelings with his reaction and that you'd like to explain why you handled the task the way you did. If he doesn't listen its on him. Second set up some ground rules, he might have some to. Try to have one of the rules, that work is not discussed outside of work, PERIOD! Unless its to make fun of someone you work with :lol:
And for goodness sakes TAKE the vacation! Everyone needs some down time. In life, its better to choice your battles then try and fight them all. Apply the will it matter tomorrow, next week, next month checklist. Keep your head up, take care of yourself! Just my 2 cents
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alicia-w
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#4 Postby alicia-w » Sat Feb 11, 2006 8:45 am

thanks for the good solid advice. sometimes i think he feel insecure because he's really not used to dealing with women in our profession who are independent and good at their jobs.

he is a pretty antagonistic person when someone doesnt do something exactly the way he would.

as for the move, we are just not beach people. we are desert people. we moved out here for the kids to have better schools and for promotions. now that the kids are all grown and the promotions have been made, we're ready to go back to AZ or NM....
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#5 Postby Cookiely » Sat Feb 11, 2006 11:04 pm

alicia-w wrote:thanks for the good solid advice. sometimes i think he feel insecure because he's really not used to dealing with women in our profession who are independent and good at their jobs.

he is a pretty antagonistic person when someone doesnt do something exactly the way he would.

as for the move, we are just not beach people. we are desert people. we moved out here for the kids to have better schools and for promotions. now that the kids are all grown and the promotions have been made, we're ready to go back to AZ or NM....

Did your husband know of the offer for the new job in NM? Had you already agreed to go to the new jobs if offered? I can't understand why he would be upset when you didn't call this person back right away since he was out of town. His attitude seems to be more stress related and not a personal attack on you. Most people take their stress out on those closest to us. Too much travel and jet lag and the stress of starting a new job and moving maybe causing a problem. Is this anger normal behavior? Is he on any medications? Does he have high blood pressure? My father was the most easy going person in the world and all of sudden started to get irritable and picky. It was type two diabetes. Once he was put on meds, he was back to his old self. I would definitely take the vacation and see how he is after a couple of days of rest. That's when I would sit down and talk to him about your concerns.
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#6 Postby Pburgh » Sun Feb 12, 2006 11:28 am

I think a lot of men are irritated by a woman who works at the same level or a higher level than they work. An intelligent man wants to talk with an intelligent woman but he just has the old school attitude that he doesn't want to work with them much less for them. I truly believe that a lot of men see us as a threat.

I think it sounds like your husband is totally stressed out. Not being at home and having the sense of balance that "home" provides has taken it's toll. Most women provide their own sense of "home" and tranquility wherever they are. I don't think men can do that.

I'd probably say nothing at this time and let this little explosion of his pass for the time being. Let him go on his trips. Plan for your vacation and when you are both relaxed, talk things out. Remember, when a person starts screaming, they've lost the battle. Stay calm and rational. Remember the wonderful feeling you had when you first fell in love. Try to relive some of those on your vacation.

((HUGS))
Karan
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alicia-w
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#7 Postby alicia-w » Sun Feb 12, 2006 11:40 am

lol, the move to NM was HIS idea!!!

he is starting to grovel. always a good sign that he knows he messed up. :D
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#8 Postby Pburgh » Sun Feb 12, 2006 11:55 am

groveling is good!!!!!lol
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