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TexasStooge
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#461 Postby TexasStooge » Fri Mar 17, 2006 8:26 am

It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store.

A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line...

"That does it! If they hit me one more time,
I'm not going to open the store!"
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#462 Postby Dee Bee » Tue Mar 21, 2006 10:49 pm

"Dear Lord," the preacher began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..."

He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl  (who was listening carefully) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mommy, what is butt dust?"

Church was pretty much over at that point.
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#463 Postby Dee Bee » Tue Mar 21, 2006 10:59 pm

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produces Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic. It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The wine will be marketed as Pinot More.
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#464 Postby TexasStooge » Wed Mar 22, 2006 11:48 am

Employee Performance Evaluation Laughs:

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

5. "When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better."

10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."

11. "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

15. "He's been working with glue too much."
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#465 Postby TexasStooge » Wed Mar 22, 2006 11:57 am

Funny One - Liners - Part Two:

1. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

2. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

3. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef. Can you pea soup?

4. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

5. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

6. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

7. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

8. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

9. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

10. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

11. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna' Lose A Trailer.
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#466 Postby TexasStooge » Thu Mar 23, 2006 8:11 am

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling.

When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?" The wife began talking describing all the wrongs within their marriage.

After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.

He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, "'Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"

The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Mondays and Thursdays."
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#467 Postby TexasStooge » Thu Mar 23, 2006 8:12 am

Scene: A court room in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder.

There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse.

In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client is guilty and that it looks like he'll probably be convicted, resorts to a clever trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer says as he looks at his watch.

"Within 1 minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this court room," he says and he looks toward the courtroom door.

The jury, somewhat stunned, all look on eagerly. A minute passes. Nothing happens.

Finally the lawyer says: 'Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retires to deliberate.

A very few minutes later, the jury returns and a representative pronounces a verdict of guilty. "But how?" inquires the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

Answers the representative: "Oh, we did look. But your client didn't."
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#468 Postby TexasStooge » Fri Mar 24, 2006 8:00 am

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"

Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed.

The next morning, Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact, he feels GREAT! No hangover! NO bad side effects, Nothing!

Then the phone rings...It's Jim.

Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"

Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"
Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover - nothing."

"We ought to do this more often."
"Yeah, well, there's just one thing...."
"What's that?"
"Have you farted yet?"
"No....."

"Well, DON'T - 'cause I'm in Phoenix!!!"
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#469 Postby TexasStooge » Fri Mar 24, 2006 8:01 am

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip.

After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."

"...and what does that tell you?" Holmes calmly continued.

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in LEO. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a moment, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Some jerk has stolen our tent."
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#470 Postby TexasStooge » Sat Mar 25, 2006 8:59 am

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dog thinks, "Boyo, I'm in deep doo doo now." (He was an Irish setter).... Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a
nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet. And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!!"
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#471 Postby TexasStooge » Sat Mar 25, 2006 8:59 am

As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Silverman became increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous young blonde woman.

As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Silverman, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"

Bewildered, Mr. Silverman was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I . . . I didn't pinch that girl."

"Of course you didn't," replied his wife, consolingly. "I did."
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#472 Postby TexasStooge » Sat Mar 25, 2006 9:00 am

I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basics.

How much do you weigh?" she asks. "115," I say. The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 140.

The nurse asks, "Your height?" "5 foot 8," I say. The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5' 5".

She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high.

"Of course it's high!" I scream, "When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"

She put me on Prozac.
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#473 Postby TexasStooge » Sat Mar 25, 2006 11:43 am

All I Need To Know About Life I Learned From a Cow

* Wake up in a happy mooo-d.

* Don't cry over spilled milk.

* When chewing your cud, remember: There's no fat, no calories, no cholesterol, and no taste!

* The grass is green on the other side of the fence.

* Turn the udder cheek and mooo-ve on. Seize every opportunity and milk it for all its worth!

* It's better to be seen and not herd.

* Honor thy fodder and thy mother and all your udder relatives.

* Never take any bull from anybody.

* Always let them know who's the bossy.

* Stepping on cowpies brings good luck.

* Black and white is always an appropriate fashion statement.

* Don't forget to cow-nt your blessings every day.
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#474 Postby Dee Bee » Sat Mar 25, 2006 3:17 pm

A little girl had just finished her first week of school.
"I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother.
"I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"
 
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#475 Postby Dee Bee » Sat Mar 25, 2006 3:20 pm

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated
as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of
the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was
an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.

"Mom, look what I found!" the boy called out.

"What have you got there?" she asked.

With astonishment in the his voice, the young boy answered,

"I think it's Adam's underwear!"

:wink:
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#476 Postby TexasStooge » Sat Mar 25, 2006 8:36 pm

What did the hypnotist say when she visited the ophthalmologist?

Look into my eyes.
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#477 Postby TexasStooge » Tue Mar 28, 2006 8:13 am

A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please."

The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth. The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog.

So, off he goes. The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus. Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes.

Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following. They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again!

There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.

The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake!"

To which the guy responds, "Clever? He's an idiot. This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"
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#478 Postby TexasStooge » Tue Mar 28, 2006 8:13 am

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars! There's nothing left but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"

The woman takes a bottle of wine from her car and puts the cap back on. She continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few swigs from the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. She shook her head and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
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#479 Postby TexasStooge » Tue Mar 28, 2006 10:26 pm

These have to be original and genuine - no adult is this creative!

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you have to look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six ."

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. "I love you so much, that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to
take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?"

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."

Drew (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he
whispering in her mouth?"

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for awhile and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"
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#480 Postby TexasStooge » Tue Mar 28, 2006 10:26 pm

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.

The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need Cyanide?"

The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy -- I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any Cyanide?"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, " Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
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