All Together Now: GROAN!

[TexasStooge]

Office Posters:

1. Thank you - we're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

5. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't care.

6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and inexperienced.

7. What am I - flypaper for freaks!?

8. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

11. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

12. Yes, he is an agent of Satan, but his duties are largely ceremonial.

13. No, my powers can only be used for good.

14. How about never? Is never good for you?

15. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

16. Your idea seems reasonable... Time to up my medication.

17. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

18. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

19. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

20. Who me? I just wander from room to room.

21. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!

22. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

23. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

24. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

25. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

26. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.

[TexasStooge]

A man walks into a bar and yells "Bartender, give me twenty shots of your best single malt scotch!"

The bartender pours the shots and the man drinks them down one at a time, as fast as he can.

The bartender says "Wow, I never saw anyonebody drink that fast" The man replies by saying, "Well, you'd drink fast if you had what I have" The bartender says "Oh my god, what do you have??!!"

The man says "Fifty cents"

[TexasStooge]

It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walked down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he found his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.

Jake asked her, "What are you up to?"

Alice smiled. "I'm going hunting with you!"

Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decided to take her along. Later they arrived at the hunting site. Jake set his wife safely up in the tree stand and told her, "If you see a deer, take careful aim and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot."

Jake walked away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant, much less a deer. Not 10 minutes passed when he was startled as he heard an array of gunshots.

Quickly, Jake ran back. As Jake got closer to her stand, he heard Alice screaming: "Get away from my deer!"

Confused, Jake raced faster towards his screaming wife. And again he heard her yell: "Get away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire!

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake was surprised to see a guy standing there with his hands high in the air. The guy, obviously distraught, said, "Okay, lady, okay!!!! You can have your deer!!! Just let me get my saddle off it!"

[TexasStooge]

A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window. A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong, mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him. The huge man glares threateningly at his neighbor, crowds the little guy so much that he's flattened against the window, and immediately falls asleep.

After the plane takes off, the little guy starts to feel a little air sick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. After a few attempts, he realizes that he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.

Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes over the little fellow. He just can't hold it in any longer and finally pukes all over the big guy's chest.

About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.

"So," the little guy says brightly, "are you feeling better now?"

[TexasStooge]

Everything I Really Need to Know I Learned From Noah's Ark

*Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.

*Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something Really big.

*Don't listen to critics. Do what has to be done.

*Build on the high ground.

*For safety's sake, travel in pairs.

*Two heads are better than one.

*Speed isn't always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board, but so were the snails.

*If you can't fight or flee.....float.

*Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth.

*Don't forget that we're all in the same boat.

*When the doo-doo gets really deep, don't sit there and complain--shovel!

*Stay below deck during the storm.

*Remember that the ark was built by amateurs & the Titanic was built by professionals.

*If you have to start over, have a friend by your side.

*Remember that the woodpeckers INSIDE are often a bigger threat than the storm outside.

*No matter how bleak it looks, there's always a rainbow on the other side.

*DON'T MISS THE BOAT !!!!

[TexasStooge]

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big guy comes in and --WHACK!! -- knocks him clean off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big guy says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."

The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden --WHACK-- the big guy knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan."

So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big idiot and --Bong!!!-- bangs the big guy off his stool, knocking him out cold!!!

The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he comes to, tell him that was a crowbar from Sears."

[TexasStooge]

I've got a friend who works as a Doctor. One day, he tells me, he was driving his 3 year old daughter to nursery school.

He had left his stethoscope in the back seat of his car and on the way there his little girl picked it up and began playing with it.

"Be still my heart," thought my friend, "my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps..."

Then the kid spoke into the stethoscope...

"Welcome to McDonalds, may I take your order?"

[TexasStooge]

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"

"Yes", whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes," came the answer.

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.

"Yes," whispered the child, "A policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy," whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "Why are they there?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle...

"They're looking for me."

[TexasStooge]

3 Men were sentenced to 25 years of solitary confinement. As a concession, the governer allowed each of them to take one item into his cell.

The first guy asked for a pile of books; the second for his wife; the third asked for 100 cartons of cigarettes.

At the end of the 25 years, the first prisoner was released and said: "Those books proved immensely invaluable. I've studied so hard I can now train to be a lawyer. I'm really happy."

The second man stepped out of his cell, with his wife and 5 new children. He smiled, "My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiful new family. I'm so happy."

And the third guy said: "Anybody got a match?"

[TexasStooge]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh!, Killed any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females", he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone".

[TexasStooge]

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.

The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make several low-level passes." "Why?" asked the nervous pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures."

The pilot replied, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"

[TexasStooge]

A woman three months pregnant falls into a deep coma. Six months later, she awakes and asks the nearest doctor about the fate of her baby.

"You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine," says the doctor. "Luckily, your brother named them for you."

"Oh poop, not by brother! He's an idiot! What did he call the girl?"

"Denise," the doctor replies.

Thinking that isn't so bad, she asks, "And what did he call the boy?"

The doctor answers, "Denephew."

[TexasStooge]

Wisdom Of The Youth

Never give up because life gets harder as you get older. After preschool the road of life keeps getting bumpier and bumpier and bumpier. Angela Martin, age 11

Never blow in a cat's ear because if you do, usually after three or four times, they will bite your lips! And they don't let go for at least a minute. Lisa Coburn, age 9

Don't think life is easy, because when you get older it is hard work. I used to think life was easy, now I have to do the dishes every other day. Nick Coleman, age 9

Take risks. I mean, if you like this person and you don't know if they like you, ask them out and see what happens. I liked this girl and I asked her out. She said no and she hates me now, but I took that risk. Bruce Wagner, age 13

A realist is more correct about things in life than an optimist. But the optimist seems to have more friends and much more fun. Megan, age 14

When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.

When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.

Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.

Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.

Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.

Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.

A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.

Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.

Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should.

Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.

Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother.

[TexasStooge]

Nine year old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned at Sunday school.

"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.

When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely.

"Then he used his walkie - talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."

"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.

"Well, no, Mom. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

[TexasStooge]

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too."

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.

The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650."

"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man...

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."

[TexasStooge]

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?"

He replied, "To the kitchen."

She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

He replied, "Sure."

She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

He said, "No, I can remember that."

She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that."

He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily:

"I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"

[TexasStooge]

The Procrastinator's Creed:

1.I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.

2.I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.


3.I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.


4.I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.


5.I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.


6.I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.


7.I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesimally small, is not exactly zero.


8.If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.


9.I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.


10.I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.


11.I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.


12.I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.


13.I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.


14.I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two- Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized.

[TexasStooge]

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer.

However, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office.

The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly. The keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

The next morning, before the crowd arrives, the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.

However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he gets bored just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his.

Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.

At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla.

Well, this goes on for some time. The mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind.

Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"

[TexasStooge]

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died.

He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"

She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied "Listen, I'm an obedient wife, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

[TexasStooge]

One night last week I was going to bed when my wife pointed out that I'd stupidly left the light on in the garden shed. As I looked out of the window I noticed that there were several people in the shed, stealing our belongings. I immediately phoned the Police who told me that there was nobody in that vicinity and that they'd send somebody over as soon as they were available.

I said Fine then hung up. A minute later I rang back and said "Hi, I just called a minute ago regarding a burglary taking place in my shed. Well, I thought I'd let you know that there is no need to worry because I've just shot them all."

Three minutes later a dozen police vehicles and armed response personell were on my premises and naturally they caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the officers said - "Hey, I thought you said you'd shot them all?"

I responded - "I thought you said nobody was available!"