All Together Now: GROAN!
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- TexasStooge
- Category 5
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- Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2003 1:22 pm
- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
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My uncle once spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that he'd go to church on Sunday and sit at the back. During the service he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door.
On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the 10 commandments. He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out he waited until the sermon was over and went to talk to the minister.
"Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind."
The minister said, "Bless you my son. Was it when I started to preach thou shall not steal, that changed your heart?"
My uncle responded, "No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat."
On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the 10 commandments. He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out he waited until the sermon was over and went to talk to the minister.
"Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind."
The minister said, "Bless you my son. Was it when I started to preach thou shall not steal, that changed your heart?"
My uncle responded, "No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat."
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- TexasStooge
- Category 5
- Posts: 38127
- Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2003 1:22 pm
- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
- Contact:
This was from early 70's, somebody wanted to sell a sewing machine in the classified ads:
Monday
FOR SALE
R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 958-0707 after 7 p.m. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.
Tuesday
NOTICE We regret having erred in R. D. Jones’ ad yesterday. It should have read: One sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him after 7 p.m.
Wednesday
R. D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in his classified ad yesterday. His ad stands correct as follows:
FOR SALE - R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 p.m. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him.
Thursday
NOTICE
I, R. D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I SMASHED IT. Don’t call 948-0707, as the telephone has been taken out. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she quit.
Monday
FOR SALE
R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 958-0707 after 7 p.m. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.
Tuesday
NOTICE We regret having erred in R. D. Jones’ ad yesterday. It should have read: One sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him after 7 p.m.
Wednesday
R. D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in his classified ad yesterday. His ad stands correct as follows:
FOR SALE - R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 p.m. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him.
Thursday
NOTICE
I, R. D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I SMASHED IT. Don’t call 948-0707, as the telephone has been taken out. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she quit.
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- TexasStooge
- Category 5
- Posts: 38127
- Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2003 1:22 pm
- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
- Contact:
At a picnic for a Catholic school, the Mother Superior stacked a pile of apples on one end of a table with a sign saying: "Take only one apple please -- remember, God is watching."
At the other end of the table, there was a large pile of delicious chocolate cookies, on which a third grade student had placed a sign saying:
"Take all the cookies you want -- God is watching the apples."
At the other end of the table, there was a large pile of delicious chocolate cookies, on which a third grade student had placed a sign saying:
"Take all the cookies you want -- God is watching the apples."
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- TexasStooge
- Category 5
- Posts: 38127
- Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2003 1:22 pm
- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
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I love my Job
I love my Job, I love the Pay!
I love it more and more each day.
I love my Boss; he's the best!
I love his boss and all the rest.
I love my Office and its location -
I hate to have to go on vacation.
I love my furniture, drab and gray,
and the paper that piles up every day!
I love my chair in my padded Cell!
There's nothing else I love so well.
I love to work among my Peers -
I love their leers and jeers and sneers.
I love my Computer and all its Software;
I hug it often though it doesn't care...
I love each Program and every File,
I try to understand once in a while!!
I'm happy to be here, I am I am;
I'm the happiest Slave of my uncle Sam.
I love this Work: I love these Chores.
I love the Meetings with deadly Bores.
I love my Job - I'll say it again -
I even love these friendly Men -
These men who've come to visit today
in lovely white coats to take me away!!
I love my Job, I love the Pay!
I love it more and more each day.
I love my Boss; he's the best!
I love his boss and all the rest.
I love my Office and its location -
I hate to have to go on vacation.
I love my furniture, drab and gray,
and the paper that piles up every day!
I love my chair in my padded Cell!
There's nothing else I love so well.
I love to work among my Peers -
I love their leers and jeers and sneers.
I love my Computer and all its Software;
I hug it often though it doesn't care...
I love each Program and every File,
I try to understand once in a while!!
I'm happy to be here, I am I am;
I'm the happiest Slave of my uncle Sam.
I love this Work: I love these Chores.
I love the Meetings with deadly Bores.
I love my Job - I'll say it again -
I even love these friendly Men -
These men who've come to visit today
in lovely white coats to take me away!!
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- TexasStooge
- Category 5
- Posts: 38127
- Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2003 1:22 pm
- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
- Contact:
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theatre. When the usher came by he noticed this and whispered to the man: "I'm sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.
"Sir," he said, "if you don't get up from there I'm afraid I'll have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher even more. The Usher briskly marched back up the aisle in search of the manager.
In a few moments both usher and manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they called the police. A cop arrived and surveyed the situation briefly...
"All right buddy, what's your name?"
"Sam," the man moaned.
"Ok Sam, where ya from?" the cop asked.
"The balcony."
The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.
"Sir," he said, "if you don't get up from there I'm afraid I'll have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher even more. The Usher briskly marched back up the aisle in search of the manager.
In a few moments both usher and manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they called the police. A cop arrived and surveyed the situation briefly...
"All right buddy, what's your name?"
"Sam," the man moaned.
"Ok Sam, where ya from?" the cop asked.
"The balcony."
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- TexasStooge
- Category 5
- Posts: 38127
- Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2003 1:22 pm
- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
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You've Had Way Too Much Coffee When...
1) Juan Valdez names his donkey after you.
2) You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
3) You sleep with your eyes open.
4) You lick your coffeepot clean.
5) Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
6) You can jump-start your car without cables.
7) Your only source of nutrition comes from Sweet & Low.
8) You don't sweat, you percolate.
9) You've worn out the handle on your favorite coffee mug.
10) You've worn the finish off you coffee table.
11) The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
12) Starbuck's owns the mortgage on your house.
13) Your life's goal is to "amount to a hill of beans."
14) Instant coffee takes too long. You name your cats Cream and Sugar.
15) Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
1) Juan Valdez names his donkey after you.
2) You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
3) You sleep with your eyes open.
4) You lick your coffeepot clean.
5) Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
6) You can jump-start your car without cables.
7) Your only source of nutrition comes from Sweet & Low.
8) You don't sweat, you percolate.
9) You've worn out the handle on your favorite coffee mug.
10) You've worn the finish off you coffee table.
11) The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
12) Starbuck's owns the mortgage on your house.
13) Your life's goal is to "amount to a hill of beans."
14) Instant coffee takes too long. You name your cats Cream and Sugar.
15) Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
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********************************************************************************
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
********************************************************************************
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
********************************************************************************
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
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A man walks into his doctor's office.
He says, "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
The physician answers, "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
Concerned, the man asks, "Gosh, is it common?"
"Well," the doctor replies, "It's Not Unusual."
********************************************************************************
The invisible man married the invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
********************************************************************************
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
********************************************************************************
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
********************************************************************************
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
********************************************************************************
A man walks into his doctor's office.
He says, "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
The physician answers, "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
Concerned, the man asks, "Gosh, is it common?"
"Well," the doctor replies, "It's Not Unusual."
********************************************************************************
The invisible man married the invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
********************************************************************************
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- TexasStooge
- Category 5
- Posts: 38127
- Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2003 1:22 pm
- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
- Contact:
God created the mule, and told him, "You will be mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and you lack intelligence. You will live for 40 years."
The mule answered, "To live like this for 40 years is too much. Please,
give me no more than 20." And it was so.
Then God created the dog, and told him, "You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 30 years."
And the dog responded, "Lord, to live 30 years as a dog is too much.
Please, no more than 15 years." And it was so.
God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are Monkey. You shall
swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you
shall live for 20 years."
And the monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the
world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years." And it
was so.
Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational
being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery
over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for
20 years."
And the man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little.
Please, Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog
refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected." And it was so.
And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20
years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he
is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and
eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to
live 10 years as a monkey, acting like a clown to amuse his grandchildren.
The mule answered, "To live like this for 40 years is too much. Please,
give me no more than 20." And it was so.
Then God created the dog, and told him, "You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 30 years."
And the dog responded, "Lord, to live 30 years as a dog is too much.
Please, no more than 15 years." And it was so.
God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are Monkey. You shall
swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you
shall live for 20 years."
And the monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the
world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years." And it
was so.
Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational
being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery
over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for
20 years."
And the man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little.
Please, Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog
refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected." And it was so.
And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20
years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he
is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and
eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to
live 10 years as a monkey, acting like a clown to amuse his grandchildren.
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- TexasStooge
- Category 5
- Posts: 38127
- Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2003 1:22 pm
- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
- Contact:
A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence. "Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?"
"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."
"You sell them here?" the customer asks.
"Only $5 each," says Green.
The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.
"You didn't eat enough," says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.
"Hey, Green," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $5 apiece when I can buy the whole fish for $3. You're ripping me off!"
"You see?" says Green. "You're smarter already."
"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."
"You sell them here?" the customer asks.
"Only $5 each," says Green.
The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.
"You didn't eat enough," says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.
"Hey, Green," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $5 apiece when I can buy the whole fish for $3. You're ripping me off!"
"You see?" says Green. "You're smarter already."
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- TexasStooge
- Category 5
- Posts: 38127
- Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2003 1:22 pm
- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
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A primary school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past.
Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a rather large Dalmatian dog.
The children started to discuss the dog's duties.
"I think they use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No way," said another, "I reckon he's just for good luck."
The third kid brought the argument to a close...
"They use the dog," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a rather large Dalmatian dog.
The children started to discuss the dog's duties.
"I think they use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No way," said another, "I reckon he's just for good luck."
The third kid brought the argument to a close...
"They use the dog," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
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- TexasStooge
- Category 5
- Posts: 38127
- Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2003 1:22 pm
- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
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American businessman was at a pier in a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow-fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.
The Mexican replied only a little while.
The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish?
The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.
The American then asked the Mexican how he spent the rest of his time.
The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life, senor."
The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and, with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat, you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution.
"You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise."
The Mexican fisherman asked, "But senor, how long will this all take?"
To which the American replied, "15-20 years."
"But what then, senor?" asked the Mexican.
The American laughed, and said, "That's the best part! When the time is right, you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public. You'll become very rich, you would make millions!"
"Millions, senor?" replied the Mexican. "Then what?"
The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."
The Mexican replied only a little while.
The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish?
The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.
The American then asked the Mexican how he spent the rest of his time.
The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life, senor."
The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and, with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat, you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution.
"You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise."
The Mexican fisherman asked, "But senor, how long will this all take?"
To which the American replied, "15-20 years."
"But what then, senor?" asked the Mexican.
The American laughed, and said, "That's the best part! When the time is right, you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public. You'll become very rich, you would make millions!"
"Millions, senor?" replied the Mexican. "Then what?"
The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."
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- TexasStooge
- Category 5
- Posts: 38127
- Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2003 1:22 pm
- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
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A blonde was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from skipping."
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from skipping."
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- TexasStooge
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- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
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This guys in bed with his wife when there's a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half three in the morning. He thinks about getting the door for a moment and rolls back over.
Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and this guy is standing outside.
"Hey," says the stranger, "can you give us a push?"
"No, go to hell! It's half past three. I was in bed sound asleep," says the man and shuts the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Russel, you are such a twat! Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to go to hell? You should be ashamed!"
So after that tongue-lashing, he gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey fella, do you still want a push?" and he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah please, man."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"
The guy replies, "I'm over here...on the swings!"
Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and this guy is standing outside.
"Hey," says the stranger, "can you give us a push?"
"No, go to hell! It's half past three. I was in bed sound asleep," says the man and shuts the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Russel, you are such a twat! Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to go to hell? You should be ashamed!"
So after that tongue-lashing, he gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey fella, do you still want a push?" and he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah please, man."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"
The guy replies, "I'm over here...on the swings!"
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- TexasStooge
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- Posts: 38127
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- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
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Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on beds next to each other, outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice-cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa, Good luck, buddy, I had that done when I was born... Couldn't walk for a year."
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice-cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa, Good luck, buddy, I had that done when I was born... Couldn't walk for a year."
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- TexasStooge
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- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
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All I Need to Know in Life I Learned From Fishing
There is no such thing as too much equipment.
When in doubt, exaggerate.
If it feels good, it's fishing.
Everyone has a story about the one that got away.
It's good to be at the top of the food chain.
Even the best lines get weak after they've been used a few times.
Sometimes you've really got to squirm to get off the hook.
Cast everything in the best light possible.
Keep one eye on your bobber at all times.
Life is a stream of consciousness thing.
Take time to smell the fishes.
I fish therefore I am.
The way to a fisherman's heart is through his fly.
You never forget your first bite.
A fishing line has a hook at one end and an optimist at the other.
Fish always start to grow after they get away.
Life is a can of worms.
The fishing is always better on the other side of the lake.
When the going gets tough, the tough go fishing.
There is no such thing as too much equipment.
When in doubt, exaggerate.
If it feels good, it's fishing.
Everyone has a story about the one that got away.
It's good to be at the top of the food chain.
Even the best lines get weak after they've been used a few times.
Sometimes you've really got to squirm to get off the hook.
Cast everything in the best light possible.
Keep one eye on your bobber at all times.
Life is a stream of consciousness thing.
Take time to smell the fishes.
I fish therefore I am.
The way to a fisherman's heart is through his fly.
You never forget your first bite.
A fishing line has a hook at one end and an optimist at the other.
Fish always start to grow after they get away.
Life is a can of worms.
The fishing is always better on the other side of the lake.
When the going gets tough, the tough go fishing.
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- TexasStooge
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- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
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Hotel Funnies
A person checks into a hotel for the first time in his life, and goes up to his room. Five minutes later he calls the desk and say, "You've given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?"
The desk clerk says, "Sir, that's absurd. Have you looked for the door?"
The person says, " Well, there's one door that leads to the bathroom. There's a second door that goes into the closet. And there's a door I haven't tried, but it has a "Do Not Disturb" sign on it."
A traveler pulls into a hotel around midnight and asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk fills out the paperwork, the man looks around and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting in the lobby. He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby. After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm.
"Fancy meeting my wife here," he says to the clerk. "Guess I'll need a double room for the night."
Next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be over $3000. "What's the meaning of this?" he yells at the clerk. "I've only been here one night!"
"Yes," says the clerk, "but your wife has been here for three weeks."
A person checks into a hotel for the first time in his life, and goes up to his room. Five minutes later he calls the desk and say, "You've given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?"
The desk clerk says, "Sir, that's absurd. Have you looked for the door?"
The person says, " Well, there's one door that leads to the bathroom. There's a second door that goes into the closet. And there's a door I haven't tried, but it has a "Do Not Disturb" sign on it."
A traveler pulls into a hotel around midnight and asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk fills out the paperwork, the man looks around and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting in the lobby. He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby. After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm.
"Fancy meeting my wife here," he says to the clerk. "Guess I'll need a double room for the night."
Next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be over $3000. "What's the meaning of this?" he yells at the clerk. "I've only been here one night!"
"Yes," says the clerk, "but your wife has been here for three weeks."
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- TexasStooge
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Two guys from Fannin County are sittin' in a boat on Davy Crockett Lake fishing and suckin' down beer when all of a sudden Bill says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 6 months."
Earl sips his beer and says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."
Earl sips his beer and says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."
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- TexasStooge
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One day a Deputy pulled over a car. He asked the driver why he was speeding, to which the driver replied that he a juggling magician and didn't want to be late for his show that night.
The deputy told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would maybe do a little juggling for him he wouldn't issue a ticket.
The driver told the deputy that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The deputy told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his squad car and asked if he could juggle them.
The juggler stated that he could, so the deputy got three flares, lit them and handed them to the man.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the squad car, a drunk got out and watched the performance briefly, then staggered over to the squad car, opened the rear door and stumbled in.
The deputy observed him doing this and went over to his squad car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, "Officer, ya might as well take me to jail cos there's no way in hell I'm gonna pass that test!"
The deputy told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would maybe do a little juggling for him he wouldn't issue a ticket.
The driver told the deputy that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The deputy told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his squad car and asked if he could juggle them.
The juggler stated that he could, so the deputy got three flares, lit them and handed them to the man.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the squad car, a drunk got out and watched the performance briefly, then staggered over to the squad car, opened the rear door and stumbled in.
The deputy observed him doing this and went over to his squad car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, "Officer, ya might as well take me to jail cos there's no way in hell I'm gonna pass that test!"
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- TexasStooge
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Looking in the shopping mall for a cotton nightgown, I decided to try my luck in a store that was known for its hot lingerie. Well, to my delight, I found just what I was looking for.
Waiting in the queue to pay, out the corner of my eye I notice a young lady behind me, holding exactly the same nightgown I had picked.
Naturally, this confirmed what I had suspected all along: despite being the wrong side of 50, I still have a very 'with it' attitude.
"I see we have the same taste," I said proudly to the 20-something behind me.
"Yes," she replied. "I'm getting this for my grandmother."
Waiting in the queue to pay, out the corner of my eye I notice a young lady behind me, holding exactly the same nightgown I had picked.
Naturally, this confirmed what I had suspected all along: despite being the wrong side of 50, I still have a very 'with it' attitude.
"I see we have the same taste," I said proudly to the 20-something behind me.
"Yes," she replied. "I'm getting this for my grandmother."
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- TexasStooge
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For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason:
I'm tired because I'm overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million.
104 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes!
I'm tired because I'm overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million.
104 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes!
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