Here is a funny!!

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sweetpea
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Here is a funny!!

#1 Postby sweetpea » Tue Jun 20, 2006 9:12 pm

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD! Even if you haven't, this is funny :-)
> >
> > Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened:
> >
> > Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
> >
> > He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"
> >
> > I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
> >
> > "Honey," I called, "come look at; "The lizard!" "Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."
> >
> > "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
> >
> > I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.
> >
> > "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired.
> > (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
> >
> > "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
> >
> > Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
> >
> > "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me.
> > (Again with the sarcasm, you think?)
> >
> > By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on.
> >
> > I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I
> > announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
> >
> > "OH, Gross!", they shrieked.
> >
> > "Well, isn't THAT just Great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.
> > (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. don't you?)
> >
> > We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
> >
> > "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
> >
> > "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
> >
> > "Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
> >
> > "Okay, okay. " Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
> >
> > "Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to talk us through the trauma."
> > (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
> >
> > "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
> >
> > We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
> >
> > "I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him.
> > (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing; but this boy is of her womb, for goodness sake.)
> > The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
> >
> > "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
> >
> > "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"
> >
> > I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
> >
> > "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
> >
> > "Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to
> > happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."
> >
> > We were silent, absorbing this.
> >
> > "So Ernie's just...just...Excited," my wife offered.
> >
> > "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
> >
> > More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
> >
> > "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
> >
> > Tears were now running down her face.
> >
> > "It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its...its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air
> > to bellow in laughter once more.
> >
> > "That's enough," I warned.
> >
> > >We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
> >
> > "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.
> >
> > "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
> >
> > 2 - lizards - $140...
> > 1 - Cage - $50...
> > Trip to the Vet - $30...
> > Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's wacker .... Priceless !
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O Town
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#2 Postby O Town » Tue Jun 20, 2006 9:23 pm

:fools: :fools: :fools:
:multi: :multi: :multi: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao:

That was definitly a good one. I will most certainly be passing that one on. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
BTW, Happy Birthday sweetpea!
:new-bday:
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#3 Postby george_r_1961 » Tue Jun 20, 2006 9:29 pm

OMGGGGGGG im dying here :lol: :lol: :lol:
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sweetpea
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#4 Postby sweetpea » Tue Jun 20, 2006 9:31 pm

Thank you O Town. Hubby is taking me tomorrow to Ft. Myers beach for a long weekend. Will be back on Monday. Can't wait!!! Hope the weather is nice.
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rainstorm

#5 Postby rainstorm » Tue Jun 20, 2006 9:44 pm

lol
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#6 Postby beachbum_al » Tue Jun 20, 2006 9:49 pm

:lol:
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#7 Postby Brent » Tue Jun 20, 2006 10:15 pm

:roflmao: :fools:
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#neversummer

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#8 Postby JQ Public » Tue Jun 20, 2006 11:00 pm

haha so funny! was I the only one thinking "were they smart enough to know lizards lay eggs?"
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#9 Postby JonathanBelles » Tue Jun 20, 2006 11:10 pm

lol
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Josephine96

#10 Postby Josephine96 » Tue Jun 20, 2006 11:24 pm

Oh for gods sakes :lol:
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Cookiely
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#11 Postby Cookiely » Wed Jun 21, 2006 3:33 am

I needed that laugh. Thanks.
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#12 Postby O Town » Wed Jun 21, 2006 6:54 am

JQ Public wrote:haha so funny! was I the only one thinking "were they smart enough to know lizards lay eggs?"

Yea I was thinking the same thing throughout the story. Duh.
But the story is obviously fiction. But funny non the less. :lol:
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