All Together Now: GROAN!

[TexasStooge]

It was a Saturday afternoon, and Ray had rushed down to the local supermarket to hurriedly pick up some hamburger rolls, chips and a few condiments. The big college game was going to be on, so he was having a few friends over to watch it.

The store was loaded with shoppers and as he headed for the six item express lane, the only one that didn't have a long line, a woman completely ignoring the overhead sign slipped into the check-out line just in front of him pushing a cart piled high with groceries.

Ray was quietly fuming at the anticipated delay. But the elderly cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked ever so sweetly, "So Dearie, which six items would you like to buy?"

[TexasStooge]

Some unexpected answers to those nagging health question from Dr. Buford Teapotts, MD.

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.

Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one. Sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain = Good. Or better yet.....No Pain = No Pain.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach!

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO... Cocoa beans... another vegetable!!! It's the best 'feel-good' food around!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Glad I could help you out!

[Disclaimer: This is a joke. We do not know anything about health, so please DO NOT follow any of the above suggestions]

[TexasStooge]

I tell you, men drivers are a hazard to traffic. Driving to work this morning on Highway 11 from Albert Street, I looked over to my left and there's this man in a Mustang doing 95 miles per hour with his face up next to his rear view mirror.... shaving!!!

I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back, he's halfway over in my lane. Scared me so bad I almost dropped my eye liner pencil in my coffee.

[TexasStooge]

Swimming With The Alligators

A millionaire threw a magnificent party for his many friends. Only one thing was bothering everyone, his very large pool was filled with alligators. Towards the end of the evening he stood before a podium and announced to his guests, "The first person that swims across this here pool will get a million dollars!"

He then stepped back and waited for a response. No one responded, so he made another offer "I'll give the first person a million dollars and my mansion." Once again he stepped back and waited. Finally he said, "I'll give you a million dollars, my mansion, and a choice between my Corvette or Lamborghini".

Suddenly he heard a splash, turned to see a man swimming across the pool hitting one alligator up side the head, wrestling one after the other. With lots of luck the man reached the other end of the pool, he climbed out at the millionaire's feet. The millionaire congratulated him and invited him up to his office to receive his awards. When they got to his office the millionaire asked, "What do you want, the Corvette or Lamborghini?"

The man replied ... "I want the jerk that pushed me into the pool!!"

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The Golfer

Two guys are golfing on a course that is right next to a cemetery.

After they tee off, one of the golfers notices that there is a funeral procession passing by.

So he takes off his hat, and places it over his heart. When the funeral is over, the other golfer looks at the guy and asks, "Why did you do that?"

The man replies, "Well we were married for almost 40 years - It's the least I could do.

[TexasStooge]

One day a scientist wanted to prove that, contrary to popular belief, blondes were actually smart. To prove his theory he gathered a huge convention of blondes. He chose one lady out of the crowd and began to ask her questions.

"What is 12x11?"

"120?"

The crowd yelled, "Give her another chance!"

The scientist asked again, "What is 6x4?"

"25?"

The crowd yelled, "Give her another chance!"

The scientist asked a final time, "What is 2+2?"

The blonde ventured "4?"

The crowd yelled, "Give her another chance!"

[TexasStooge]

Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, ail traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made. But when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cab.

Horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.

NASA's response was just one sentence, "Thaw the chicken."

[TexasStooge]

Two rednecks meet on a dusty country road. One of them is carrying a big bag labeled, "chickens."

"Chickens, eh?" says one guy. "Hey, if I guess how many chickens you got, will you give me one?"

"Heck," says the guy with the bag, "iffin you guess right, I'll give you both of 'em."

The other scratches his head and guesses, "Um... five?"

[TexasStooge]

After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her -- "Hello" "How are you! We've been waiting for you!" "Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

"Czechoslovakia."

[TexasStooge]

Whether a man winds up with the nest egg or a goose egg depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.

Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar

Too many couples marry for better or for worse, but not for good.

When a man marries a woman, they become one but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

If a man has enough "horse sense" to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never be an old nag.

Judgin' from the specimens they pick for husbands, it's no wonder that brides often blush.

On anniversaries the wise husband always forgets the past...but never the present.

A foolish husband remarks to his wife: "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin', and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna work."

The bonds of matrimony are a good investment only when the interest is kept up.

Many girls like to marry a military man--he can cook, sew, make beds, and is in good health...and he's already used to taking orders.

[TexasStooge]

Here's some groaners for ya:
____________________________________________

Why was the computer proud?



It made an important Disc-covery.

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Why did the boy stick a hose in his friend's ear?



He wanted to Brainwash him.

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What is the richest kind of air?




A Millionaire!

[TexasStooge]

There was a Mississippi redneck and a Louisiana Cajun, fishing on their respective sides of the Mississippi river.

Just as soon as the redneck put his line in the water, he slung a fish onto the bank, and the Cajun was catching nothing, so he yelled across to the redneck, "Buddy, I'd sure like to be on your side of the river!"

"Aight, tell ya whut, I'll shine my flashlight 'cross this river, and you can walk across this little beam of light!" the redneck yelled back.

The Cajun replied, "Hain't no way, buddy. I know you think I'm a fool! When I get halfway 'cross, you'll turn your flashlight off!"

[TexasStooge]

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking.

He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end.

That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly.

But,he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood,so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible.

Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?" "I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."

"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied, "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"

"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

[TexasStooge]

The housewife answered the phone and listened with relief to the voice in her ear. "How are you, dear? What kind of day are you having?"

"Oh, Mom, the baby won't eat, the washing machine is broke, I've not been able to get out of the house to shop, I twisted my ankle and have been hobbling around. On top of that, the house is a mess and we're supposed to have two couples over for dinner tonight."

"Now, dear, just stay calm. Sit down, relax, close your eyes, and I'll be over in 1/2 hour. I'll do the shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I'll take care of the baby when I get there and call a repairman I know who'll get the washing machine fixed. In fact, I'll call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once."

"George? Who's George?"

"Why, that's your *husband*, dear."

"Mom, I don't have a husband."

"Is this 234-5678?"

"Uh, no, it's not. I think you have a wrong number." The housewife paused. "Uhhh, does this mean you're not coming over?"

[TexasStooge]

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it and takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "Its Keith, the midget."

[TexasStooge]

A group of men are sitting in a sauna discussing business and stocks when suddenly a cellular phone rings.

"Hi honey, are you at the club?"

"Yes, dear."

"Honey you won't believe this but I'm standing in front of Giovannis and there's a beautiful mink on sale in the window."

"How much is it, dear?"

"They're giving it away. Only $5000. Can you believe it?"

"But you already have fur coats?"

"Please dear it's absolutely exquisite!"

"Fine, fine go ahead and buy it!"

"Thank you sweetheart. Oh, not to keep you much longer, I passed by the Mercedes dealership this morning and saw their new convertible. It was to die for! I talked to the salesman and the one in the showroom is brand new, leather seats, power everything, gold colored. What do you think??"

"Honey, come on, we already have cars!"

"You promised me that I could get a convertible!"

"How much is it?"

"You won't believe it but he said he'd let us have it for $85,000 fully loaded with all the options!!!"

"OK, OK, go ahead and purchase it!"

"I love you, you're the best husband a wife could ask for. I hope I'm not pushing it, but remember our trip we took to Paris? Remember the Brown's place with the swimming pool, tennis courts? It's on the market to be sold. I saw it this morning at the Real Estate agency. If we bought it we would have a perfect place to stay during the cold winter months!!!"

"I had actually thought about it. You say it's on the market?"

"Really, you were actually thinking about it? Can I go make an offer on it? You know it's not listed very high, and It would be perfect for our type of lifestyle!!"

"How much is it listed at?"

"Only $425,000 sweetheart. It's a steal!"

"I guess we've got money put away. Go ahead and make an offer but no more than $415,000."

"This is turning out to be a great day! Can't wait to see you later tonight to celebrate!!!"

"See you tonight dear."

The man hangs up the cellular phone and asks, "So, who's phone is this?"

[TexasStooge]

A sweet grandmother telephoned Mount Sinai Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said "I'll be glad to help, Dear. What's the name and room number?"

The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Holly Finkel in room 302."

The Operator replied, "Let me check. Oh, good news. Her records say that Holly is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."

The Grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Holly your daughter?"

The Grandmother said, "No, I'm Holly Finkel in 302. Dr.Cohen doesn't tell me anything!"

[Stephanie]

Okay gang. I'm going to lock this because of the number of pages. We usually lock threads, especially in the TT forum that go over 25 pages because it's a drain on the server to load so many pages each time someone enters it. We're going to continue with the same "rule of thumb" in the other forums as well. You can start a new thread - I'll take care of doing that for this one.