"Many Muslim-Americans are outraged over how Muslims are being depicted on the new season of the Fox show "24”. A Fox spokesman said, "If they’re upset now, they should see how they are portrayed on Fox News.”
-Conan O'Brien
"I got some details on Lindsay Lohan’s rehab facilities. They have an onsite gourmet chef, personal trainers, beauty consultants, swimming pools, yoga, meditation . . . But you’re only allowed to leave to go to work, parties, weddings, and Lake Havasu for spring break. I was planning to take a trip to Cabo San Lucas this summer, but now, I’m thinking maybe I’ll become an alcoholic instead."
-Jimmy Kimmel
""Forbes” magazine has released its list of the 20 richest women in show business and Oprah is number one. Numbers two through twenty belonged to people in her audience."
-Conan O'Brien
"A research group has found that many of Wal-Mart’s advertised organic foods are not organic. So they are now suing Wal-Mart. Maybe the first clue that it wasn’t organic was that it was found at Wal-Mart?!"
-Jay Leno
"The Reverend Jesse Jackson says that he will endorse Barack Obama. Experts say that this is risky for Jackson because not much rhymes with Obama."
-Conan O Brien
"Hillary Clinton, senator from New York, announced she wants to be president. She would be our first female president ... if you don't count James Buchanan."
-David Letterman
"In Cambodia, a woman was found who lived alone in the jungle for 20 years and who speaks an unintelligible language. They don't know what she's saying. Experts are predicting she will soon move to America and become the next governor of California."
-Conan O'Brien
"The good news is last night President Bush finally admitted he's made mistakes in Iraq. The bad news is he's planning to make the same mistakes again."
-Jay Leno
"People who watched the speech said President Bush looked uncomfortable. And I was thinking, of course -- he was in a library surrounded by books."
-David Letterman
"After hearing the president's speech, Democrats in the Senate are seeking bipartisan support for a non-binding resolution opposing President Bush's deployment of his military escalation. In response, President Bush said, 'Huh?'"
-Conan O'Brien
"Ted Kennedy attacked the president. He said Iraq is George Bush's Vietnam. Which is very unfair. There is a huge difference. Bush knew how to get out of Vietnam."
-Jay Leno
"In a prime time speech last night, President Bush said that he was sending in 20,000 more troops to end the war. He wasn't talking about Iraq. He was talking about the war between Rosie O'Donnell and Donald Trump."
-Conan O'Brien
"President Bush is now calling for sending 21,000 more troops to Iraq. How does he come up with that number? I don't even think 21,000 people in the country think it's a good idea."
-Jay Leno
"The New York Times says that more women are now living without a husband. The worst part about women living alone is that they no longer have anyone at home to not listen to them."
-Jay Leno
"A new international survey has found that American believe in evolution less than any other industrialized nation. When asked why Americans pointed to Kevin Federline."
-Conan O'Brien
"Fidel Castro, the Cuban President who has been hospitalized since July, has been the subject of several conflicting medical reports regarding his physical condition. ... CNN reported the reason Castro's health has taken such a downturn was his decision to have a very risky operation to have doctors implant him with -- and this is true -- an artificial anus. ... They've upgraded his condition from 'grave' to 'serious but hilarious'"
-Jon Stewart
"People who watched the speech said President Bush looked uncomfortable. And I was thinking, of course -- he was in a library surrounded by books."
-David Letterman
"A lot of Democrats and Republicans are coming out against Bush's plan for Iraq. It's nice to see Democrats and Republicans on the same page, especially when it's not a congressional page."
-Jay Leno
"Arnold Schwarzenegger is recovering from a broken leg. ... In a new interview, Schwarzenegger said he's only taking a little bit of pain medication for his broken leg because the medication garbles his speech. Apparently, Schwarzenegger broke his leg in 1974."
-Conan O'Brien
"David Beckham is coming to the United States. People say he could make a huge impact on the way Americans ignore soccer."
-Jay Leno
"President Bush is going to be talking about global warming in his State of the Union address. He's unveiling his new plan. I believe it's called 'No Ice Cap Left Behind.'"
-David Letterman
Weekend Funnies - The Best of Late Night
Moderator: S2k Moderators
-
TexasStooge
- Category 5
- Posts: 38127
- Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2003 1:22 pm
- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
- Contact:
-
TexasStooge
- Category 5
- Posts: 38127
- Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2003 1:22 pm
- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
- Contact:
"Barry Bonds in the news. Yesterday Barry Bonds’ agent said that Bonds could hit as many as 1,000 home runs. And the agent admitted he’s on more drugs than Barry Bonds."
-Conan O'Brien
"Sen. Joe Biden, on the day of announcing his candidacy for president of the United States, called Barack Obama the first mainstream African-American who is articulate, bright, and . . . clean. I think we’ve seen the shortest presidential campaign in history."
-Jay Leno
California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger is considering a bill to ban the sale of incandescent light bulbs. Arnold isn’t worried about saving energy, he’s just tired of trying to say the word "incandescent.”
-Conan O'Brien
"After hitting record high temperatures earlier this month, New York has now hit a record low. It was 9 degrees in Central Park today. They’re warning New Yorkers now not to leave their middle fingers exposed for more than a couple of seconds."
-Jimmy Kimmel
"The president proposes a drastic measure [on screen: Bush proposing a special advisory council on the war on terror comprised of 'leaders in Congress from both political parties']. What? Both parties in an advisory role? I think they already have something like that. I think it's called Congress."
-Jon Stewart
"According to the British Journal of Psychiatry, marijuana can cause panic attacks. I don’t know . . . The only time I have ever seen a marijuana user look panicky is when they are out of marijuana."
-Jay Leno
Daniel Radcliffe, the actor who plays Harry Potter is causing a controversy because he’s appearing completely nude in a play. Critics say it’s a bold move for Radcliffe — especially since the play is "Oklahoma.”
-Conan O'Brien
"Do you folks have Oscar fever? The Al Gore documentary, 'An Inconvenient Truth,' is nominated for two Academy Awards. One Academy Award is for best song. ... I think they deserve an award just for finding something that rhymes with ethanol."
-David Letterman
"We do this show from the West Coast, so because of the time differences, while you’re at home sitting in front of the TV in your underwear, I too am at home sitting in front of the TV in my underwear. Only I’m watching Conan."
-Jimmy Kimmel
-Conan O'Brien
"Sen. Joe Biden, on the day of announcing his candidacy for president of the United States, called Barack Obama the first mainstream African-American who is articulate, bright, and . . . clean. I think we’ve seen the shortest presidential campaign in history."
-Jay Leno
California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger is considering a bill to ban the sale of incandescent light bulbs. Arnold isn’t worried about saving energy, he’s just tired of trying to say the word "incandescent.”
-Conan O'Brien
"After hitting record high temperatures earlier this month, New York has now hit a record low. It was 9 degrees in Central Park today. They’re warning New Yorkers now not to leave their middle fingers exposed for more than a couple of seconds."
-Jimmy Kimmel
"The president proposes a drastic measure [on screen: Bush proposing a special advisory council on the war on terror comprised of 'leaders in Congress from both political parties']. What? Both parties in an advisory role? I think they already have something like that. I think it's called Congress."
-Jon Stewart
"According to the British Journal of Psychiatry, marijuana can cause panic attacks. I don’t know . . . The only time I have ever seen a marijuana user look panicky is when they are out of marijuana."
-Jay Leno
Daniel Radcliffe, the actor who plays Harry Potter is causing a controversy because he’s appearing completely nude in a play. Critics say it’s a bold move for Radcliffe — especially since the play is "Oklahoma.”
-Conan O'Brien
"Do you folks have Oscar fever? The Al Gore documentary, 'An Inconvenient Truth,' is nominated for two Academy Awards. One Academy Award is for best song. ... I think they deserve an award just for finding something that rhymes with ethanol."
-David Letterman
"We do this show from the West Coast, so because of the time differences, while you’re at home sitting in front of the TV in your underwear, I too am at home sitting in front of the TV in my underwear. Only I’m watching Conan."
-Jimmy Kimmel
0 likes
-
TexasStooge
- Category 5
- Posts: 38127
- Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2003 1:22 pm
- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
- Contact:
"Have you been following the story of this female astro-nut? She drove 900 miles from Houston Texas to Orlando, Fla., to confront the woman who was her romantic rival. She drove the whole time wearing a diaper so she didn’t have to stop and pee. Of course, people capitalize on these things . . . have you seen these? Huggies with the "Astronaut fit?”"
-Jay Leno
"How about that story, you know the NASA astronaut? When they caught her, she was wearing a wig and an adult diaper. There was a lot of confusion, because originally, authorities thought she was Elton John."
-David Letterman
"The astronaut love triangle. I love that one. NASA hasn’t had this much press since they faked that moon-landing thing in the ’60s."
-Craig Ferguson
"In Atlantic City a gambler gave birth to a baby on the casino floor. What is she thinking? You know you gotta know when to hold ’em. You gotta know!"
-Craig Ferguson
"The Indianapolis Colts are Super Bowl champions. They beat the Bears on Sunday. The quarterback for the Bears, Rex Grossman, he had a very difficult day; he couldn’t stay on his feet, which was doubly embarrassing, because Prince did the whole halftime show in high heels and had no trouble at all."
-Jimmy Kimmel
"Congratulations to the city of Indianapolis. The Colts beat the Chicago Bears in the Super Bowl. After the game, a confused President Bush phoned the locker room and asked to speak to Janet Jackson. Actually you have to hand it to the Colts . . . I believe that was the Bears’ strategy."
-David Letterman
"Congratulations to Vice President Al Gore. He has been nominated for a Nobel Peace prize. Luckily for Gore, Florida doesn’t vote on this one."
-Jay Leno
"Arnold Schwarzenegger is in trouble after tapes surfaced of him saying negative things about other Republicans. Actually the Schwarzenegger tapes surfaced last year, but they weren’t deciphered until this week."
-Conan O'Brien
"Once again here in New York City it’s the beginning of Fashion Week. It’s that exciting time of year when we get a preview of the underpants that Britney Spears won’t be wearing."
-David Letterman
"Today was Groundhog Day. My favorite holiday! The groundhog has a really good gig, if you think about it. It gets fed; it gets housed; and then all it has to do once a year, is comes out of its hole, look around . . . it's like the animal version of Kevin Federline."
-Jimmy Kimmel
-Jay Leno
"How about that story, you know the NASA astronaut? When they caught her, she was wearing a wig and an adult diaper. There was a lot of confusion, because originally, authorities thought she was Elton John."
-David Letterman
"The astronaut love triangle. I love that one. NASA hasn’t had this much press since they faked that moon-landing thing in the ’60s."
-Craig Ferguson
"In Atlantic City a gambler gave birth to a baby on the casino floor. What is she thinking? You know you gotta know when to hold ’em. You gotta know!"
-Craig Ferguson
"The Indianapolis Colts are Super Bowl champions. They beat the Bears on Sunday. The quarterback for the Bears, Rex Grossman, he had a very difficult day; he couldn’t stay on his feet, which was doubly embarrassing, because Prince did the whole halftime show in high heels and had no trouble at all."
-Jimmy Kimmel
"Congratulations to the city of Indianapolis. The Colts beat the Chicago Bears in the Super Bowl. After the game, a confused President Bush phoned the locker room and asked to speak to Janet Jackson. Actually you have to hand it to the Colts . . . I believe that was the Bears’ strategy."
-David Letterman
"Congratulations to Vice President Al Gore. He has been nominated for a Nobel Peace prize. Luckily for Gore, Florida doesn’t vote on this one."
-Jay Leno
"Arnold Schwarzenegger is in trouble after tapes surfaced of him saying negative things about other Republicans. Actually the Schwarzenegger tapes surfaced last year, but they weren’t deciphered until this week."
-Conan O'Brien
"Once again here in New York City it’s the beginning of Fashion Week. It’s that exciting time of year when we get a preview of the underpants that Britney Spears won’t be wearing."
-David Letterman
"Today was Groundhog Day. My favorite holiday! The groundhog has a really good gig, if you think about it. It gets fed; it gets housed; and then all it has to do once a year, is comes out of its hole, look around . . . it's like the animal version of Kevin Federline."
-Jimmy Kimmel
0 likes
-
TexasStooge
- Category 5
- Posts: 38127
- Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2003 1:22 pm
- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
- Contact:
"Well, the big story in the news is that Britney Spears shaved her head. Can you believe this? Legitimate news organizations are actually breaking into their Anna Nicole Smith coverage to tell you this. "
-David Letterman
"It so beautiful in Los Angeles today. A little sprinkling of rain, the seasons are changing; I saw some kids on my street today jumping in a big pile of Britney Spears hair."
-Jimmy Kimmel
"Today is the day we honor presidents ranging from George Washington, who couldn’t tell a lie, to George Bush, who couldn’t tell the truth, to Bill Clinton, who couldn’t tell the difference."
-Jay Leno
"The NBA All-Star Game was in Las Vegas this weekend and there were over 300 related arrests that ranged from outstanding warrants, battery, burglary, and disorderly conduct. City officials said, "We can't have this kind of lawless behavior disrupting our city's gamblers, pimps, and prostitutes."
-Conan O'Brien
"Michael Jackson is reportedly upset because he was unable to get tickets to the NBA All-Star Game. However, Michael felt better about missing the game after someone explained to him that Jason Kidd is actually a grown man. "
-Conan O'Brien
"There’s an asteroid heading toward the earth and we’re all going to die. There is! Scientists are saying there’s a 1 in 45,000 chance of an asteroid hitting the earth in 2036 . . . The asteroid is a giant rock. It’s headed toward the earth. We should send up a giant piece of paper. We couldn’t send scissors; that would be impractical.
-Craig Ferguson
"Barack Obama has admitted smoking pot and doing cocaine. He’s admitted it! You’re gonna need a squeeky clean record to get elected. George W. Bush would never have been elected if he had ever done cocaine . . . "
-Craig Ferguson
"Presidential hopeful Barack Obama held a big fund raiser here last night. Everyone was there; Spielberg was there; Clooney was there; Anniston was there . . . I was unable to make it. I understand why a presidential hopeful would want Hollywood support. It’s crucial; you’re gonna need it. Let’s not forget Barbra Streisand almost single-handedly put President Kerry in the White House."
-Craig Ferguson
"The White House denied an assertion by Sen. Harry Reid that the Iraq war is the worst foreign policy mistake in U.S. history. The White House said, "You have to realize that President Bush has two more years in office."
-Conan O'Brien
"One of the male contestants on "American Idol" is being criticized because he once posed nude for a magazine. Meanwhile, Paula Abdul is being criticized because she once posed nude for a shot of Jager. "
-Conan O'Brien
Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear On Valentine's Day
10."Ted, meet Carl - he's going to be joining us this evening"
9. "I got us two tickets to 'Norbit' "
8. "Don't hang up, directory assistance lady -- you're my Valentine!"
7. "There's a diaper-wearing astronaut at the door for you"
6. "If you want to cuddle afterward, it's another $50"
5. "Valentine's Day is on the 14th this year?"
4. "I got you the smallest box of chocolates because frankly, you're too damn tubby"
3. "We'll do something in a couple of days - it's Late Show Ventriloquist Week"
2. "I picked these flowers up at the cemetary"
1. "Table for one, Mr. Letterman!"
-David Letterman
"Valentine’s Day is the day you should be with the person you love the most. I understand Simon Cowell spent the day alone."
-Jay Leno
"The White Castle hamburger chain is offering couples a romantic Valentine’s Day dinner. White Castle says it’s the perfect way to tell that special someone your love is worth $3.99."
-Conan O'Brien
"Michael Jackson has introduced his own line of Valentine’s candy. It’s tremendous. It’s white chocolate with a nut inside."
-Jay Leno
"In schools now, all the kids have to give Valentines to all the other kids so nobody feels left out. I don’t get that. You’re just delaying the disappointment to later in life."
-Craig Ferguson
"Did you all watch the Grammys last night? Congratulations to the Dixie Chicks. They won five Grammys. I don’t want to say that President Bush was upset but today he tried to get the Supreme Court to overturn the ballot results. I guess that only works once."
-Jay Leno
"Remember the group, The Police? They said, "We’re never going to get back together.” They announced their world tour today. People tend to be nostalgic for when they were in their early 20s. I am nostalgic for the 80s. There’s already a 90s, revival. Think about it: There’s a Bush in the White House; We’re at war with Iraq; Tupac has a new album out."
-Craig Ferguson
"This month a "Star Wars” memorabilia company started selling $120 replicas of Yoda’s light saber. After hearing about it, "Star Wars” fans said, "That’s ridiculous; for $120 we could lose our virginity."
-Conan O'Brien
"When Al Gore presented the 'Best Album' award to the Red Hot Chili Peppers at the Grammys, Al Gore said because of global warming, the Chili Peppers are now 20% hotter than they were 20 years ago."
- Jay Leno
-David Letterman
"It so beautiful in Los Angeles today. A little sprinkling of rain, the seasons are changing; I saw some kids on my street today jumping in a big pile of Britney Spears hair."
-Jimmy Kimmel
"Today is the day we honor presidents ranging from George Washington, who couldn’t tell a lie, to George Bush, who couldn’t tell the truth, to Bill Clinton, who couldn’t tell the difference."
-Jay Leno
"The NBA All-Star Game was in Las Vegas this weekend and there were over 300 related arrests that ranged from outstanding warrants, battery, burglary, and disorderly conduct. City officials said, "We can't have this kind of lawless behavior disrupting our city's gamblers, pimps, and prostitutes."
-Conan O'Brien
"Michael Jackson is reportedly upset because he was unable to get tickets to the NBA All-Star Game. However, Michael felt better about missing the game after someone explained to him that Jason Kidd is actually a grown man. "
-Conan O'Brien
"There’s an asteroid heading toward the earth and we’re all going to die. There is! Scientists are saying there’s a 1 in 45,000 chance of an asteroid hitting the earth in 2036 . . . The asteroid is a giant rock. It’s headed toward the earth. We should send up a giant piece of paper. We couldn’t send scissors; that would be impractical.
-Craig Ferguson
"Barack Obama has admitted smoking pot and doing cocaine. He’s admitted it! You’re gonna need a squeeky clean record to get elected. George W. Bush would never have been elected if he had ever done cocaine . . . "
-Craig Ferguson
"Presidential hopeful Barack Obama held a big fund raiser here last night. Everyone was there; Spielberg was there; Clooney was there; Anniston was there . . . I was unable to make it. I understand why a presidential hopeful would want Hollywood support. It’s crucial; you’re gonna need it. Let’s not forget Barbra Streisand almost single-handedly put President Kerry in the White House."
-Craig Ferguson
"The White House denied an assertion by Sen. Harry Reid that the Iraq war is the worst foreign policy mistake in U.S. history. The White House said, "You have to realize that President Bush has two more years in office."
-Conan O'Brien
"One of the male contestants on "American Idol" is being criticized because he once posed nude for a magazine. Meanwhile, Paula Abdul is being criticized because she once posed nude for a shot of Jager. "
-Conan O'Brien
Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear On Valentine's Day
10."Ted, meet Carl - he's going to be joining us this evening"
9. "I got us two tickets to 'Norbit' "
8. "Don't hang up, directory assistance lady -- you're my Valentine!"
7. "There's a diaper-wearing astronaut at the door for you"
6. "If you want to cuddle afterward, it's another $50"
5. "Valentine's Day is on the 14th this year?"
4. "I got you the smallest box of chocolates because frankly, you're too damn tubby"
3. "We'll do something in a couple of days - it's Late Show Ventriloquist Week"
2. "I picked these flowers up at the cemetary"
1. "Table for one, Mr. Letterman!"
-David Letterman
"Valentine’s Day is the day you should be with the person you love the most. I understand Simon Cowell spent the day alone."
-Jay Leno
"The White Castle hamburger chain is offering couples a romantic Valentine’s Day dinner. White Castle says it’s the perfect way to tell that special someone your love is worth $3.99."
-Conan O'Brien
"Michael Jackson has introduced his own line of Valentine’s candy. It’s tremendous. It’s white chocolate with a nut inside."
-Jay Leno
"In schools now, all the kids have to give Valentines to all the other kids so nobody feels left out. I don’t get that. You’re just delaying the disappointment to later in life."
-Craig Ferguson
"Did you all watch the Grammys last night? Congratulations to the Dixie Chicks. They won five Grammys. I don’t want to say that President Bush was upset but today he tried to get the Supreme Court to overturn the ballot results. I guess that only works once."
-Jay Leno
"Remember the group, The Police? They said, "We’re never going to get back together.” They announced their world tour today. People tend to be nostalgic for when they were in their early 20s. I am nostalgic for the 80s. There’s already a 90s, revival. Think about it: There’s a Bush in the White House; We’re at war with Iraq; Tupac has a new album out."
-Craig Ferguson
"This month a "Star Wars” memorabilia company started selling $120 replicas of Yoda’s light saber. After hearing about it, "Star Wars” fans said, "That’s ridiculous; for $120 we could lose our virginity."
-Conan O'Brien
"When Al Gore presented the 'Best Album' award to the Red Hot Chili Peppers at the Grammys, Al Gore said because of global warming, the Chili Peppers are now 20% hotter than they were 20 years ago."
- Jay Leno
0 likes
-
TexasStooge
- Category 5
- Posts: 38127
- Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2003 1:22 pm
- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
- Contact:
"How many of you folks were affected by the big stock market plunge yesterday? Four hundred points, the stock market dropped 400 points yesterday. And big corporations were really, really affected by it. As a matter of fact, Taco Bell had to lay off 200 rats. Yeah, the market drops 400 points and, today, out of habit, JetBlue apologized."
-David Letterman
"Prince Charles says he wants to ban McDonald’s. He said banning McDonald’s is the key to living a healthy lifestyle. Really? Why did he single out McDonald’s? I think banning Dominos would make more sense. They deliver the junk food to your house. At least with McDonalds you have to get off your large and walk to your car. Prince Charles says he wants to ban McDonald’s to teach people that excess is bad. Who better to teach people that excess is bad than a guy who lives in a giant castle?"
-Jay Leno
""You know the guy who directed the ‘Titanic’ movie, James Cameron, the film director? Well, listen to this: he now claims that he’s found the tomb of Jesus Christ. Hmm, I just hope this doesn’t lead to a court battle in Florida, that’s all."
-David Letterman
"The Neilsen ratings for this years Oscars were up, compared to last year’s, especially among 18- to 34-year-olds. Keep in mind that statistic is misleading because viewers who were 18 at the beginning of the show, were over 50 when it ended."
-Conan O'Brien
"The critics are already saying that the show was too long. And I say, "Hey — wait a minute. It’s not fair to judge the show until it is over."
-Jay Leno
"The Academy Awards were held just across the street from us. I heard that Al Gore — and this is only a rumor — I heard he got a little crazy at the Vanity Fair party . . . I’m told he left the light on in the bathroom."
-Jimmy Kimmel
"A new poll finds that President Bush's father, George Bush, is the most popular living ex-President. Apparently voters were just excited to hear the words 'George Bush' next to the phrase 'ex-President.'"
-Conan O'Brien
"Some politicians in Florida are trying to ban the use of the term 'illegal alien' because they think it is offensive. The Florida officials say, 'We prefer the term good swimmer.'"
-Conan O'Brien
""According to a report by this genealogist, Al Sharpton's ancestors were slaves once owned by Strom Thurmond's relatives. Now Al Sharpton wants a DNA test to see if they are related. And you know, somehow, this is going to end up that Strom Thurmond is the the father of Anna Nicole's baby."
-Jay Leno
"Since former Iowa Governor Tom Vilsack dropped out of the presidential race four days ago, Vilsack supporters are divided about which candidate to support now. Apparently, one guy likes Obama and the other guy's backing Hillary."
-Conan O'Brien
"If any of you at home are wondering about the former vice president's seeming largess, I will have you know, he has not gained weight. He is so passionate about saving this Earth, he is trying not to exhale. ... Here's an inconvenient truth: cake isn't a food group."
-Jon Stewart
-David Letterman
"Prince Charles says he wants to ban McDonald’s. He said banning McDonald’s is the key to living a healthy lifestyle. Really? Why did he single out McDonald’s? I think banning Dominos would make more sense. They deliver the junk food to your house. At least with McDonalds you have to get off your large and walk to your car. Prince Charles says he wants to ban McDonald’s to teach people that excess is bad. Who better to teach people that excess is bad than a guy who lives in a giant castle?"
-Jay Leno
""You know the guy who directed the ‘Titanic’ movie, James Cameron, the film director? Well, listen to this: he now claims that he’s found the tomb of Jesus Christ. Hmm, I just hope this doesn’t lead to a court battle in Florida, that’s all."
-David Letterman
"The Neilsen ratings for this years Oscars were up, compared to last year’s, especially among 18- to 34-year-olds. Keep in mind that statistic is misleading because viewers who were 18 at the beginning of the show, were over 50 when it ended."
-Conan O'Brien
"The critics are already saying that the show was too long. And I say, "Hey — wait a minute. It’s not fair to judge the show until it is over."
-Jay Leno
"The Academy Awards were held just across the street from us. I heard that Al Gore — and this is only a rumor — I heard he got a little crazy at the Vanity Fair party . . . I’m told he left the light on in the bathroom."
-Jimmy Kimmel
"A new poll finds that President Bush's father, George Bush, is the most popular living ex-President. Apparently voters were just excited to hear the words 'George Bush' next to the phrase 'ex-President.'"
-Conan O'Brien
"Some politicians in Florida are trying to ban the use of the term 'illegal alien' because they think it is offensive. The Florida officials say, 'We prefer the term good swimmer.'"
-Conan O'Brien
""According to a report by this genealogist, Al Sharpton's ancestors were slaves once owned by Strom Thurmond's relatives. Now Al Sharpton wants a DNA test to see if they are related. And you know, somehow, this is going to end up that Strom Thurmond is the the father of Anna Nicole's baby."
-Jay Leno
"Since former Iowa Governor Tom Vilsack dropped out of the presidential race four days ago, Vilsack supporters are divided about which candidate to support now. Apparently, one guy likes Obama and the other guy's backing Hillary."
-Conan O'Brien
"If any of you at home are wondering about the former vice president's seeming largess, I will have you know, he has not gained weight. He is so passionate about saving this Earth, he is trying not to exhale. ... Here's an inconvenient truth: cake isn't a food group."
-Jon Stewart
0 likes
-
TexasStooge
- Category 5
- Posts: 38127
- Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2003 1:22 pm
- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
- Contact:
"Did you watch American Idol last night? Sanjaya was not eliminated. Did you know that Sanjaya is an ancient Indian name meaning "William Hung.” Did you know that?'
-Jay Leno
"South Florida police released the results of Anna Nicole’s Smith’s autopsy. It turns out Anna Nicole Smith died of a drug overdose. Basically she had every known drug in the world in her body. Her attorney and her fake husband Howard K. Stern was concerned she was taking too many drugs and asked her doctor if there was pill she could take for that."
-Jimmy Kimmel
"Actor Keanu reeves is accused of hitting a celebrity photographer with his Porsche Tuesday while leaving a parking lot. The good news, there was no damage done to the Porsche. I was so worried."
-Jay Leno
"I can’t avoid it, so I’ll talk about American Idol. Everyone’s talking about Sanjaya. I will always take gimmicky hair over talent. That’s why I like Donald Trump."
-Craig Ferguson
"Happy birthday to Hugh Heffner — 81 years old today. Quite a guy. You know, Hugh Heffner takes so much Viagra, that when he dies it’s going to be an open coffin."
-David Letterman
"According to a new poll, 29 percent of U.S. households do not have Internet access and have little hope of getting it. You know what the technical name is for people with no hope of Internet access? AOL customers."
-Jay Leno
"In New York City this week, officials found 400 pigeons and 250 rats living in an apartment. I understand that they are turning it into a Taco Bell franchise."
-Jay Leno
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Signs You're Watching Too Much "American Idol"
10. At confession, you say, "Forgive me, dawg, for I have sinned"
9. Each week, you vote one of your kids out of the house
8. After sex you say to your wife in a Brittish accent, "Awful. Just pathetic"
7. FOX switchboard operator knows you by name
6. When "Idol" comes on, so do the adult diapers
5. Had your stomach stapled like Randy and you weren't even overweight
4. You understand what Paula Abdul is blabbing about
3. No number 3 — writer watching "American Idol"
2. Got Adam Sandler to guest host your talk show so you could stay home and vote for Sanjaya
1. Your TiVo recommends you get some counseling
-Jay Leno
"South Florida police released the results of Anna Nicole’s Smith’s autopsy. It turns out Anna Nicole Smith died of a drug overdose. Basically she had every known drug in the world in her body. Her attorney and her fake husband Howard K. Stern was concerned she was taking too many drugs and asked her doctor if there was pill she could take for that."
-Jimmy Kimmel
"Actor Keanu reeves is accused of hitting a celebrity photographer with his Porsche Tuesday while leaving a parking lot. The good news, there was no damage done to the Porsche. I was so worried."
-Jay Leno
"I can’t avoid it, so I’ll talk about American Idol. Everyone’s talking about Sanjaya. I will always take gimmicky hair over talent. That’s why I like Donald Trump."
-Craig Ferguson
"Happy birthday to Hugh Heffner — 81 years old today. Quite a guy. You know, Hugh Heffner takes so much Viagra, that when he dies it’s going to be an open coffin."
-David Letterman
"According to a new poll, 29 percent of U.S. households do not have Internet access and have little hope of getting it. You know what the technical name is for people with no hope of Internet access? AOL customers."
-Jay Leno
"In New York City this week, officials found 400 pigeons and 250 rats living in an apartment. I understand that they are turning it into a Taco Bell franchise."
-Jay Leno
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Signs You're Watching Too Much "American Idol"
10. At confession, you say, "Forgive me, dawg, for I have sinned"
9. Each week, you vote one of your kids out of the house
8. After sex you say to your wife in a Brittish accent, "Awful. Just pathetic"
7. FOX switchboard operator knows you by name
6. When "Idol" comes on, so do the adult diapers
5. Had your stomach stapled like Randy and you weren't even overweight
4. You understand what Paula Abdul is blabbing about
3. No number 3 — writer watching "American Idol"
2. Got Adam Sandler to guest host your talk show so you could stay home and vote for Sanjaya
1. Your TiVo recommends you get some counseling
0 likes
-
TexasStooge
- Category 5
- Posts: 38127
- Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2003 1:22 pm
- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
- Contact:
"I want to point out, because of Passover, no Jewish writers were used in the preparation of tonight’s monologue. We only used free-range Christian writers."
-Jay Leno
"Earlier today, the president of Iran announced that he’s going to free the British hostages as an early Easter gift. As an extra bonus, the Iranian president said he’s going to throw in a case of marshmallow Peeps."
-Conan O'Brien
"The talking car "Kit” from the TV show "Knight Rider” is up for sale. The owner’s selling it because they couldn’t get rid of that "Hasselhoff-y” smell."
-Craig Ferguson
"As you know, in college basketball, UCLA lost to Florida 76 to 66. This is the biggest disappointment for UCLA basketball since last year when they lost to Florida."
-Jay Leno
""Wrestlemania 23” — they are calling this one the "Battle of the Billionaires.” Because Donald Trump made a bet with Vince McMahon the owner of WWE . . . Whoever loses has to shave his head . . . It kinda makes sense cause I think Trump won his hair in some sort of wrestling match."
-Craig Ferguson
"Thank goodness it’s spring. If you’re from out of town, here’s a good way to tell it’s spring. The carjackers come in through the sunroof. "
-David Letterman
"Sunday is April Fool’s Day. So that means earlier today, a confused President Bush went around the White House hiding colored eggs."
-David Letterman
"Did you watch "American Idol” last night? Sanjaya is still on! How is this happening? No matter how horrible he does, he gets voted back. He’s like the George Bush of "American Idol."
-Jay Leno
"Do you hear that the NHL is considering banning fighting in ice hockey? That’s the only way to make ice hockey less popular than it is now. Hockey without fights is like NASCAR without mullets."
-Craig Ferguson
"As you know, Democratic speaker of the house, Nancy Pelosi, went to Syria and she said she found some common ground to talk about with the Syrians. I guess they told each other Bush jokes for a few hours."
-Jay Leno
"Great day for Britain. Iran has released the hostages. The president of Iran said it was an Easter holiday gift. In the spirit of Easter, he’s going to hide the hostages all around Britain, and then Tony Blair gets to keep the ones he finds."
-Craig Ferguson
"The Vatican may canonize Pope John Paul II because since he’s passed away, people have been praying to him and he’s already been credited with three miracles. So far, the Pope’s biggest miracle has been keeping Sanjaya from being voted off "American Idol."
-Conan O'Brien
"Paul McCartney’s ex-wife Heather Mills says she’s not a gold digger. She’s very adamant: She’s not a gold digger. Only pirates dig for gold. It’s not like she’s got a parrot or an eye patch or . . .[motions toward his leg] "
-Craig Ferguson
-Jay Leno
"Earlier today, the president of Iran announced that he’s going to free the British hostages as an early Easter gift. As an extra bonus, the Iranian president said he’s going to throw in a case of marshmallow Peeps."
-Conan O'Brien
"The talking car "Kit” from the TV show "Knight Rider” is up for sale. The owner’s selling it because they couldn’t get rid of that "Hasselhoff-y” smell."
-Craig Ferguson
"As you know, in college basketball, UCLA lost to Florida 76 to 66. This is the biggest disappointment for UCLA basketball since last year when they lost to Florida."
-Jay Leno
""Wrestlemania 23” — they are calling this one the "Battle of the Billionaires.” Because Donald Trump made a bet with Vince McMahon the owner of WWE . . . Whoever loses has to shave his head . . . It kinda makes sense cause I think Trump won his hair in some sort of wrestling match."
-Craig Ferguson
"Thank goodness it’s spring. If you’re from out of town, here’s a good way to tell it’s spring. The carjackers come in through the sunroof. "
-David Letterman
"Sunday is April Fool’s Day. So that means earlier today, a confused President Bush went around the White House hiding colored eggs."
-David Letterman
"Did you watch "American Idol” last night? Sanjaya is still on! How is this happening? No matter how horrible he does, he gets voted back. He’s like the George Bush of "American Idol."
-Jay Leno
"Do you hear that the NHL is considering banning fighting in ice hockey? That’s the only way to make ice hockey less popular than it is now. Hockey without fights is like NASCAR without mullets."
-Craig Ferguson
"As you know, Democratic speaker of the house, Nancy Pelosi, went to Syria and she said she found some common ground to talk about with the Syrians. I guess they told each other Bush jokes for a few hours."
-Jay Leno
"Great day for Britain. Iran has released the hostages. The president of Iran said it was an Easter holiday gift. In the spirit of Easter, he’s going to hide the hostages all around Britain, and then Tony Blair gets to keep the ones he finds."
-Craig Ferguson
"The Vatican may canonize Pope John Paul II because since he’s passed away, people have been praying to him and he’s already been credited with three miracles. So far, the Pope’s biggest miracle has been keeping Sanjaya from being voted off "American Idol."
-Conan O'Brien
"Paul McCartney’s ex-wife Heather Mills says she’s not a gold digger. She’s very adamant: She’s not a gold digger. Only pirates dig for gold. It’s not like she’s got a parrot or an eye patch or . . .[motions toward his leg] "
-Craig Ferguson
0 likes
-
TexasStooge
- Category 5
- Posts: 38127
- Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2003 1:22 pm
- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
- Contact:
"You know what’s exciting is the ‘American Idol’? Do you folks watch the ‘American Idol’? And you know what? It looks like that kid Sanjaya could win the whole thing. When is Al Sharpton going to step in on this one?”
-David Letterman
"Because of the storms back east, over two hundred fifty thousand people are still without power. In fact, it is so bad in Washington D.C., Attorney General Alberto Gonzales had to resort to destroying emails by hand."
-Jay Leno
"More people running for president. Republican Congressman Duncan Hunter has filed papers to run for president. But in his official filing, he misspelled the word "president.” Political experts say it’s all part of his plan to attract Bush supporters."
-Conan O'Brien
"Last night on Fox News, host Sean Hannity said his opinion of the Don Imus scandal is that conservatives are going to be the victims of this. So Don Imus insults the Rutgers women’s basketball team and who’s the victim? Rich white guys."
-Jay Leno
" A marathon will be run at the North Pole. The winner is the guy who runs 26 miles and can still find his testicles."
-Conan O'Brien
"In a recent interview, first lady Laura Bush said she can't fall asleep at night without reading. She says that her nightstand holds so many books she fears it may collapse. I guess that makes it easy to tell what side of the bed is hers."
-Jay Leno
"I wouldn’t worry about Imus. He’s already working on a new show, "The Amazing Racist.”
-Craig Ferguson
"Don Imus apologized to another girls basketball team today: The New York Knicks."
-Jay Leno
"By God, here’s good news, ladies and gentlemen: our good friend Regis Philbin is returning to his show a week from Thursday, a week from tomorrow. That will be tremendous. And, you know, he had what turned out to be a triple bypass surgery, and the same guys who did my surgery also did Regis Philbin’s surgery. They’re tremendous. And the pain is, you really don’t feel much because they go in through your wallet.”
-David Letterman
"And Regis is doing great. He’s in tremendous shape. And I was thinking about it: this is not the first major surgery Regis has had. Are you aware of this? Remember seven year ago, he had Kathie Lee removed.”
-David Letterman
-David Letterman
"Because of the storms back east, over two hundred fifty thousand people are still without power. In fact, it is so bad in Washington D.C., Attorney General Alberto Gonzales had to resort to destroying emails by hand."
-Jay Leno
"More people running for president. Republican Congressman Duncan Hunter has filed papers to run for president. But in his official filing, he misspelled the word "president.” Political experts say it’s all part of his plan to attract Bush supporters."
-Conan O'Brien
"Last night on Fox News, host Sean Hannity said his opinion of the Don Imus scandal is that conservatives are going to be the victims of this. So Don Imus insults the Rutgers women’s basketball team and who’s the victim? Rich white guys."
-Jay Leno
" A marathon will be run at the North Pole. The winner is the guy who runs 26 miles and can still find his testicles."
-Conan O'Brien
"In a recent interview, first lady Laura Bush said she can't fall asleep at night without reading. She says that her nightstand holds so many books she fears it may collapse. I guess that makes it easy to tell what side of the bed is hers."
-Jay Leno
"I wouldn’t worry about Imus. He’s already working on a new show, "The Amazing Racist.”
-Craig Ferguson
"Don Imus apologized to another girls basketball team today: The New York Knicks."
-Jay Leno
"By God, here’s good news, ladies and gentlemen: our good friend Regis Philbin is returning to his show a week from Thursday, a week from tomorrow. That will be tremendous. And, you know, he had what turned out to be a triple bypass surgery, and the same guys who did my surgery also did Regis Philbin’s surgery. They’re tremendous. And the pain is, you really don’t feel much because they go in through your wallet.”
-David Letterman
"And Regis is doing great. He’s in tremendous shape. And I was thinking about it: this is not the first major surgery Regis has had. Are you aware of this? Remember seven year ago, he had Kathie Lee removed.”
-David Letterman
0 likes
-
TexasStooge
- Category 5
- Posts: 38127
- Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2003 1:22 pm
- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
- Contact:
"Not such a great day for the "Girls Gone Wild” guy, Joe Francis. He got sentenced to 35 days in jail for contempt of court in Florida. And he cried. He didn’t want to be photographed going to jail so he pulled his T-shirt up over his head."
-Craig Ferguson
"While Simon Cowell was in Los Angeles working on "American Idol,” his home in London was robbed. Police say it was the work of professional thieves, but Cowell described them as "amateurish and uninspired."
-Conan O'Brien
"According to a news report out today, on the average, 2006 was the safest year for airlines. It’s mostly due to JetBlue. You can’t have an accident if you never leave the runway."
-Jay Leno
"Sunday is Earth Day. In honor of Earth Day, all of today’s jokes have been recycled. "
-David Letterman
"A new study says that heart disease is related to erectile dysfunction. No wonder Dick Cheney has been so grumpy all the time."
-Jay Leno
"Jessica Simpson’s father has offered to manage Britney Spears’ career. When asked why he wants to manage Britney, he said, "She‘s like the third untalented daughter I never had."
-Conan O'Brien
"Prime Minister Tony Blair says that bad drivers kill more people and are a bigger threat to the world than war and disease. In fact, I read that in the paper this morning in the car as I was driving to work."
-Jay Leno
"Beautiful day. It was warm and still. Actually the only breeze we had was from the Yankees blowing another game."
-David Letterman
"The story that has rocked show business: Rosie O’Donnell announced that she’s leaving "The View.” The sad part: None of the other hosts on "The View” heard what she said because they were all talking at the same time."
-Jay Leno
"Big news: Rosie O’Donnell is leaving "The View.” After making that announcement, she shaved her head and checked into rehab."
-David Letterman
"News from Washington D.C.: Attorney General Alberto Gonzales says that despite the criticism of his performance, he will not resign. Despite the criticism, he will not resign. It’s like I have a twin."
-David Letterman
-Craig Ferguson
"While Simon Cowell was in Los Angeles working on "American Idol,” his home in London was robbed. Police say it was the work of professional thieves, but Cowell described them as "amateurish and uninspired."
-Conan O'Brien
"According to a news report out today, on the average, 2006 was the safest year for airlines. It’s mostly due to JetBlue. You can’t have an accident if you never leave the runway."
-Jay Leno
"Sunday is Earth Day. In honor of Earth Day, all of today’s jokes have been recycled. "
-David Letterman
"A new study says that heart disease is related to erectile dysfunction. No wonder Dick Cheney has been so grumpy all the time."
-Jay Leno
"Jessica Simpson’s father has offered to manage Britney Spears’ career. When asked why he wants to manage Britney, he said, "She‘s like the third untalented daughter I never had."
-Conan O'Brien
"Prime Minister Tony Blair says that bad drivers kill more people and are a bigger threat to the world than war and disease. In fact, I read that in the paper this morning in the car as I was driving to work."
-Jay Leno
"Beautiful day. It was warm and still. Actually the only breeze we had was from the Yankees blowing another game."
-David Letterman
"The story that has rocked show business: Rosie O’Donnell announced that she’s leaving "The View.” The sad part: None of the other hosts on "The View” heard what she said because they were all talking at the same time."
-Jay Leno
"Big news: Rosie O’Donnell is leaving "The View.” After making that announcement, she shaved her head and checked into rehab."
-David Letterman
"News from Washington D.C.: Attorney General Alberto Gonzales says that despite the criticism of his performance, he will not resign. Despite the criticism, he will not resign. It’s like I have a twin."
-David Letterman
0 likes
-
TexasStooge
- Category 5
- Posts: 38127
- Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2003 1:22 pm
- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
- Contact:
"Last night the 10 Republican presidential candidates held their debate on Fox News. Now, normally I don’t make predictions, but I’m going out on a limb and say I feel the debate was won by the rich white guy."
-Jay Leno
" They answered some tough questions. Rudy Giuliani had to answer for his position on abortion. John McCain had to answer for his support of immigration reform. And Mike Huckabee had to answer the question, 'Who are you again?'"
-Jay Leno
"Paris’ mother prepared a statement for Barbara Walters to read. Paris Hilton is still scheduled to go to jail on June 5. Public support for her cause continues to hover around zero percent."
-Jimmy Kimmel
"In New York City, they’re trying to pass a law that would require strippers to pay taxes on the money they earn for lap dances. This law is for every guy who has said, 'This lap dance is great, but I wish there was something to fix potholes and build schools.'"
-Conan O'Brien
"Miami was voted the worst road rage state. You have 20 [year olds] doing 95, and 95 [year olds] doing 20, that’s why."
-Craig Ferguson
" In a new interview, actress Ellen Barkin says that when she’s dating a new guy, she likes to have sex before dinner to see if it’s worth going to dinner. Meanwhile, Kirstie Alley says that when she’s dating a new guy, she likes to have dinner before dinner."
-Conan O'Brien
"The price of gasoline passed four dollars a gallon in California. Gas is so expensive now a lot of people are only planning summer trips within walking distance from their homes."
-Jay Leno
"President Bush was busy over the weekend. In Virginia he attended some big event, and I guess he got up at one point on the spur of the moment and he conducted a 400-piece orchestra. Apparently, it was the first time ever a 400-piece orchestra has ever played 'The Wheels on the Bus.' "
-Conan O'Brien
"Not such a great day for Donald Trump. NBC has canceled "The Apprentice.” You just know all those NBC executives were fighting over who got to say, 'You’re fired.'"
-Craig Ferguson
"Paris Hilton is going to jail. I’ve been thinking about this, and I think, 'Paris, being in jail isn’t going to be that bad. It’ll give you plenty of time to read . . . well, it’ll give you plenty of time to write . . . and . . .oh no, you’re in trouble Paris.'"
-David Letterman
"As of July 1, Allstate Insurance Company will stop selling new policies to homeowners in California because we have too many disasters. They shouldn’t have the right to call themselves "Allstate." Maybe they should change their name to 'Some-states.' "
-Jay Leno
-Jay Leno
" They answered some tough questions. Rudy Giuliani had to answer for his position on abortion. John McCain had to answer for his support of immigration reform. And Mike Huckabee had to answer the question, 'Who are you again?'"
-Jay Leno
"Paris’ mother prepared a statement for Barbara Walters to read. Paris Hilton is still scheduled to go to jail on June 5. Public support for her cause continues to hover around zero percent."
-Jimmy Kimmel
"In New York City, they’re trying to pass a law that would require strippers to pay taxes on the money they earn for lap dances. This law is for every guy who has said, 'This lap dance is great, but I wish there was something to fix potholes and build schools.'"
-Conan O'Brien
"Miami was voted the worst road rage state. You have 20 [year olds] doing 95, and 95 [year olds] doing 20, that’s why."
-Craig Ferguson
" In a new interview, actress Ellen Barkin says that when she’s dating a new guy, she likes to have sex before dinner to see if it’s worth going to dinner. Meanwhile, Kirstie Alley says that when she’s dating a new guy, she likes to have dinner before dinner."
-Conan O'Brien
"The price of gasoline passed four dollars a gallon in California. Gas is so expensive now a lot of people are only planning summer trips within walking distance from their homes."
-Jay Leno
"President Bush was busy over the weekend. In Virginia he attended some big event, and I guess he got up at one point on the spur of the moment and he conducted a 400-piece orchestra. Apparently, it was the first time ever a 400-piece orchestra has ever played 'The Wheels on the Bus.' "
-Conan O'Brien
"Not such a great day for Donald Trump. NBC has canceled "The Apprentice.” You just know all those NBC executives were fighting over who got to say, 'You’re fired.'"
-Craig Ferguson
"Paris Hilton is going to jail. I’ve been thinking about this, and I think, 'Paris, being in jail isn’t going to be that bad. It’ll give you plenty of time to read . . . well, it’ll give you plenty of time to write . . . and . . .oh no, you’re in trouble Paris.'"
-David Letterman
"As of July 1, Allstate Insurance Company will stop selling new policies to homeowners in California because we have too many disasters. They shouldn’t have the right to call themselves "Allstate." Maybe they should change their name to 'Some-states.' "
-Jay Leno
0 likes
-
TexasStooge
- Category 5
- Posts: 38127
- Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2003 1:22 pm
- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
- Contact:
"It’s starting to get nasty out there on the campaign trail. A new book out by veteran Democratic strategist Robert Shrum claims when asked about gay rights, John Edwards said he was "not comfortable around those people." Do you believe that? How does a guy who spends 400 bucks to get his hair styled not like gay people?"
- Jay Leno
"Paris Hilton has been spotted carrying a Bible around. A lot of people think she’s only trying to improve her image. Paris denied this and said, "I’m very religious. In fact, I scream out ‘Oh God’ more than anyone."
-Conan O'Brien
"How about this? A 60-year-old woman gave birth with twins. She was in labor for 16 years. The kids came out and asked for the car keys. "
-David Letterman
"Tomorrow is the 30th anniversary of the premier of "Star Wars.” They’re having a huge convention with 10,000 fans. Last night at the convention center they had a 17-hour marathon screening of all the "Star Wars” films. It’s amazing how much fun you can have when you’re not tied down to a girlfriend, or your own apartment, or self esteem . . ."
-Craig Ferguson
"Jimmy Carter actually said that George W. Bush is the worst in history. Then Bush said that’s not true, he said that he was the worst in math and English. He actually got a C- in history."
-Jay Leno
"Congratulations to Jordin Sparks. She’s the new American Idol. The moment was spoiled when Paula Abdul tripped over her."
-David Letterman
"Some of Michael Jackson’s personal processions will be auctioned off in Las Vegas the end of this month. The one thing that Michael won’t be parting with though, is his Pinocchio doll. Do you know about this? Michael will not sell his Pinocchio doll. You know, on the off chance, that one day it might became a real live boy."
-Jay Leno
"Nelson Mandela’s birthday is coming up. A concert is being planned to celebrate Nelson Mandela’s birthday. Friends say that Mandela wants the Spice Girls to perform. Apparently 27 years in prison really screws with your taste in music."
-Conan O'Brien
"New York City is going green. All the cabs are converting to hybrids. I was in a low-emission cab this morning. I wish I could say the same for my driver. "
-David Letterman
"How about this? At a charity auction yesterday someone paid $350,000 to be kissed by George Clooney. I had no idea Ryan Seacrest had that kind of money. "
-Jay Leno
"Paris Hilton in the cooler. And you know the problem with Paris being in prison, she’s surrounded by sex offenders; she’s surrounded by drug dealers; felons . . . you know, just like when she was on the outside."
-David Letterman
"All 10 Republican presidential candidates took part in the debate. Ten. Experts say it was like many of history’s classic debates, except with eight extra people. "
-Conan O'Brien
"An 18 year-old woman was arrested after spending the past eight months pretending to be a student at Stanford university and living in their dorms, even though she was not enrolled there. She pretended to be a student for eight months. Hey, that’s nothing. I pretended to be a student for four years!"
-Jay Leno
"During last night’s Democratic debate, all the candidates said if they were elected, they would get rid of the military’s "don’t ask, don’t tell policy” for gay soldiers. "Don’t ask, don’t tell” would be replaced by a new policy, 'Don’t tell me you’re wearing those boots with that gun.'"
-Conan O'Brien
"A lot people make fun of Los Angeles. They say we have no soul; we’re always in the tanning booth. Meanwhile, I don’t see any other city throwing Paris Hilton in jail."
-Jimmy Kimmel
"They say she has three blankets, but no pillow. I actually feel a little bit bad for her, especially since I’ve stolen so many pillows from Hilton Hotels."
-Jimmy Kimmel
"Earlier today, Scooter Libby was sentenced to 30 months in prison. Afterwards, Scooter said, "I just hope I have the chance to clear my incredibly stupid name."
-Conan O'Brien
"Earlier tonight was the season premier of "America’s Got Talent.” David Hasselhoff is one of the judges. Should David Hasselhoff really be judging other people’s talents? That’s like getting your hair cut by Donald Trump."
-Craig Ferguson
"Angelina Jolie celebrated her 33rd birthday. Happy Birthday to Angelina Jolie. She adopted a cake."
-David Letterman
"After serving eight years in jail, assisted suicide doctor Jack Kenvorkian was on "Larry King Live.” When Kevorkian saw Larry King he said, "I swear, he was like that when I got here."
-Conan O'Brien
"Lindsay Lohan out of rehab, then back in rehab. Lindsay Lohan’s 21st birthday party was going to be sponsored by a brand of vodka. If your birthday party is sponsored by a vodka company, perhaps you’re not taking the whole sobriety thing seriously. That’s like the NRA hosting Dick Cheney’s duck hunt. "
-Craig Ferguson
- Jay Leno
"Paris Hilton has been spotted carrying a Bible around. A lot of people think she’s only trying to improve her image. Paris denied this and said, "I’m very religious. In fact, I scream out ‘Oh God’ more than anyone."
-Conan O'Brien
"How about this? A 60-year-old woman gave birth with twins. She was in labor for 16 years. The kids came out and asked for the car keys. "
-David Letterman
"Tomorrow is the 30th anniversary of the premier of "Star Wars.” They’re having a huge convention with 10,000 fans. Last night at the convention center they had a 17-hour marathon screening of all the "Star Wars” films. It’s amazing how much fun you can have when you’re not tied down to a girlfriend, or your own apartment, or self esteem . . ."
-Craig Ferguson
"Jimmy Carter actually said that George W. Bush is the worst in history. Then Bush said that’s not true, he said that he was the worst in math and English. He actually got a C- in history."
-Jay Leno
"Congratulations to Jordin Sparks. She’s the new American Idol. The moment was spoiled when Paula Abdul tripped over her."
-David Letterman
"Some of Michael Jackson’s personal processions will be auctioned off in Las Vegas the end of this month. The one thing that Michael won’t be parting with though, is his Pinocchio doll. Do you know about this? Michael will not sell his Pinocchio doll. You know, on the off chance, that one day it might became a real live boy."
-Jay Leno
"Nelson Mandela’s birthday is coming up. A concert is being planned to celebrate Nelson Mandela’s birthday. Friends say that Mandela wants the Spice Girls to perform. Apparently 27 years in prison really screws with your taste in music."
-Conan O'Brien
"New York City is going green. All the cabs are converting to hybrids. I was in a low-emission cab this morning. I wish I could say the same for my driver. "
-David Letterman
"How about this? At a charity auction yesterday someone paid $350,000 to be kissed by George Clooney. I had no idea Ryan Seacrest had that kind of money. "
-Jay Leno
"Paris Hilton in the cooler. And you know the problem with Paris being in prison, she’s surrounded by sex offenders; she’s surrounded by drug dealers; felons . . . you know, just like when she was on the outside."
-David Letterman
"All 10 Republican presidential candidates took part in the debate. Ten. Experts say it was like many of history’s classic debates, except with eight extra people. "
-Conan O'Brien
"An 18 year-old woman was arrested after spending the past eight months pretending to be a student at Stanford university and living in their dorms, even though she was not enrolled there. She pretended to be a student for eight months. Hey, that’s nothing. I pretended to be a student for four years!"
-Jay Leno
"During last night’s Democratic debate, all the candidates said if they were elected, they would get rid of the military’s "don’t ask, don’t tell policy” for gay soldiers. "Don’t ask, don’t tell” would be replaced by a new policy, 'Don’t tell me you’re wearing those boots with that gun.'"
-Conan O'Brien
"A lot people make fun of Los Angeles. They say we have no soul; we’re always in the tanning booth. Meanwhile, I don’t see any other city throwing Paris Hilton in jail."
-Jimmy Kimmel
"They say she has three blankets, but no pillow. I actually feel a little bit bad for her, especially since I’ve stolen so many pillows from Hilton Hotels."
-Jimmy Kimmel
"Earlier today, Scooter Libby was sentenced to 30 months in prison. Afterwards, Scooter said, "I just hope I have the chance to clear my incredibly stupid name."
-Conan O'Brien
"Earlier tonight was the season premier of "America’s Got Talent.” David Hasselhoff is one of the judges. Should David Hasselhoff really be judging other people’s talents? That’s like getting your hair cut by Donald Trump."
-Craig Ferguson
"Angelina Jolie celebrated her 33rd birthday. Happy Birthday to Angelina Jolie. She adopted a cake."
-David Letterman
"After serving eight years in jail, assisted suicide doctor Jack Kenvorkian was on "Larry King Live.” When Kevorkian saw Larry King he said, "I swear, he was like that when I got here."
-Conan O'Brien
"Lindsay Lohan out of rehab, then back in rehab. Lindsay Lohan’s 21st birthday party was going to be sponsored by a brand of vodka. If your birthday party is sponsored by a vodka company, perhaps you’re not taking the whole sobriety thing seriously. That’s like the NRA hosting Dick Cheney’s duck hunt. "
-Craig Ferguson
0 likes
-
TexasStooge
- Category 5
- Posts: 38127
- Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2003 1:22 pm
- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
- Contact:
"Yesterday a top aide to Rudy Giuliani was busted for possessing and distributing cocaine. When asked about it, Giuliani said, "Cocaine? I asked him to get me Rogaine.”
-Conan O'Brien
"The airport in Milan, Italy, had to be shut down because it was overrun by rabbits. Animals are out of control. Italian rabbits at the airport. Last week, German squirrels were attacking people. German and Italians working together . . . does this sound familiar?!?"
-Craig Ferguson
"The FDA announced the new fat blocking drug, Alli, can cause gas and diarrhea. The pill comes in three forms: pills, capsules, and chimichangas."
-Conan O'Brien
"Mike Nifong, the DA in the Duke Lacrosse case is resigning. He said he is looking forward to making up charges and ruining people’s lives in the private sector now."
-Jay Leno
"It’s been reported that during the brief period that Paris Hilton was out of jail, she received a consultation from Michael Jackson’s plastic surgeon. Michael's plastic surgeon told Paris, "There’s nothing I can do for you. You’re already a white lady."
-Conan O'Brien
"As I’m sure you know by now, a judge has turned down Scooter Libby’s request to delay his prison term. In fact, the judge gave him an extra three months just for having that stupid name, Scooter. Not the name you want to have going into prison."
-Jay Leno
"Now there’s a judge in Oklahoma who’s accused of being naked under the robes while court was in session. Not only that, he was wearing what’s known as a "general enhancement” device. It’s just an accusation. I’m sure it will not stand up in court. "
-Craig Ferguson
"You may have seen this in the paper today. In Santa Cruz County, Ariz., a child molester was sentenced to 6,242 years in prison. He is trying to get transferred to Los Angeles where, with good behavior, he will be out in 23 days. "
-Jay Leno
"Great day for Hillary Clinton. She choose the song for her campaign, a song by Celine Dion. Is it wise choosing a Celine Dion song? She’s a singer best known for doing a song based on a sinking ship. "
-Craig Ferguson
" I hope all the dads had a good Father’s Day weekend. My kids took me out to eat — free samples at Costco’s.
My son told me her left my present at his mom’s house, so as I was dropping him off, I told him he could run in and get it. But while I was driving, he just sat there quiet. So I said, "It’s not at the house is it?” And he said, "No, it isn’t.” And I said, "Well, where is it?” And he said, "It’s still at the mall.”
-Jimmy Kimmel
"In honor of Father’s Day, a group of doctors is offering dads free prostate exams. So next year, your dad will be happy when he gets a tie. That tie will be looking pretty good."
-Conan O'Brien
-Conan O'Brien
"The airport in Milan, Italy, had to be shut down because it was overrun by rabbits. Animals are out of control. Italian rabbits at the airport. Last week, German squirrels were attacking people. German and Italians working together . . . does this sound familiar?!?"
-Craig Ferguson
"The FDA announced the new fat blocking drug, Alli, can cause gas and diarrhea. The pill comes in three forms: pills, capsules, and chimichangas."
-Conan O'Brien
"Mike Nifong, the DA in the Duke Lacrosse case is resigning. He said he is looking forward to making up charges and ruining people’s lives in the private sector now."
-Jay Leno
"It’s been reported that during the brief period that Paris Hilton was out of jail, she received a consultation from Michael Jackson’s plastic surgeon. Michael's plastic surgeon told Paris, "There’s nothing I can do for you. You’re already a white lady."
-Conan O'Brien
"As I’m sure you know by now, a judge has turned down Scooter Libby’s request to delay his prison term. In fact, the judge gave him an extra three months just for having that stupid name, Scooter. Not the name you want to have going into prison."
-Jay Leno
"Now there’s a judge in Oklahoma who’s accused of being naked under the robes while court was in session. Not only that, he was wearing what’s known as a "general enhancement” device. It’s just an accusation. I’m sure it will not stand up in court. "
-Craig Ferguson
"You may have seen this in the paper today. In Santa Cruz County, Ariz., a child molester was sentenced to 6,242 years in prison. He is trying to get transferred to Los Angeles where, with good behavior, he will be out in 23 days. "
-Jay Leno
"Great day for Hillary Clinton. She choose the song for her campaign, a song by Celine Dion. Is it wise choosing a Celine Dion song? She’s a singer best known for doing a song based on a sinking ship. "
-Craig Ferguson
" I hope all the dads had a good Father’s Day weekend. My kids took me out to eat — free samples at Costco’s.
My son told me her left my present at his mom’s house, so as I was dropping him off, I told him he could run in and get it. But while I was driving, he just sat there quiet. So I said, "It’s not at the house is it?” And he said, "No, it isn’t.” And I said, "Well, where is it?” And he said, "It’s still at the mall.”
-Jimmy Kimmel
"In honor of Father’s Day, a group of doctors is offering dads free prostate exams. So next year, your dad will be happy when he gets a tie. That tie will be looking pretty good."
-Conan O'Brien
0 likes
-
TexasStooge
- Category 5
- Posts: 38127
- Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2003 1:22 pm
- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
- Contact:
"Osama bin Laden’s son Omar just got married. Let’s see how he likes being terrorized."
-David Letterman
"A new poll claims that Dick Cheney has a 59 percent disapproval rating which makes him the least popular vice president in U.S. history. Even worse, the only people polled were Cheney’s wife and kids."
-Conan O'Brien
"Today family values conservative Republican senator from Louisiana, David Vitter, admitted that he has had sex with prostitutes. Apparently, years ago this Sen. Vitter guy had been seeing one of the D.C. madam’s escorts. You think the senator is embarrassed how about the hooker? Now the whole world knows she had sex with a politician."
-Jay Leno
"Ryan Seacrest attended Eva Longoria’s wedding. He said he cried during the ceremony because it was so moving. Meanwhile, Paula Abdul cried because it was a cash bar."
-Conan O'Brien
"They’ve updated the Seven Wonders of the World. Here’s the real wonder of the world. How I’ve managed to stay on television for 30 years."
-David Letterman
"The new Harry Potter movie comes out this week. One reviewer called it the dullest Harry Potter ever. He may be right because the new movie is called "Harry Potter and the Low-Yield Municipal Bonds."
-Conan O'Brien
"It so different living in Beverly Hills when it’s hot. It’s just different. Like the kids out here, when it gets hot, in my neighborhood they set up a lemonade tasting stand."
-Jay Leno
"This week, the city of Pamplona, Spain is hosting the annual running of the bulls. Or as the bulls call it, the annual trampling of the jerks."
Conan O'Brien
"John Edwards is on the campaign trail. He is now doing something called his "poverty tour” where he is visiting people who have no money and no hope. In fact, his first stop today — John McCain’s headquarters."
-Jay Leno
"It’s our president’s birthday. He’s 61 today. Also, Sylvester Stallone is 61 today. But Stallone and Bush don’t have much in common. One’s a bad actor who mumbles and blows stuff up, and the other is Sylvester Stallone."
-Craig Ferguson
"Boy has it been a hot summer. They call this the dog days of summer. Especially if you’re Michael Vick.
Atlanta Falcons Michael Vick has been indicted for his alleged involvement in a dog fighting ring. You know how he got caught? A pointer picked him out. Did you hear his excuse? He said, "The mean lady set me up.”"
-Jay Leno
"Nelson Mandela just announced that he is starting a group called The Elders that will be made up of retired global leaders who will tackle world conflicts. Mandela said The Elders will be like the Fantastic Four, but with bladder problems."
-Conan O'Brien
"In other political news, John McCain's communication director has quit. McCain had no immediate comment because his communication director quit."
-Jay Leno
"We have had so much rain in New York City today, half of the puddles in Times Square were actually water."
-David Letterman
"In a recent interview, the White House chef says that President Bush’s favorite meal is cheeseburger pizza. Next on the president’s list? Nachos spaghetti and corndog pudding."
-Conan O'Brien
"How about that Britney Spears? She wanted a dog so she went out and bought a dog . . . a $3,000 dog. Seems like it’s a lot of money, but it’s not just a dog, it’s a designated driver. And a babysitter."
-David Letterman
"The National Hockey League announced it’s going to kick off next season with a game in London. It’ll be the first time in League history that the people in the stands will have worse teeth than the guys on the ice."
-Conan O'Brien
"So hot here in New York City, instead of sunblock, they’re now recommending A-1 sauce."
-David Letterman
"The D.C. madam says that David Vitter sometimes paid $300 an hour just to have the hookers talk to him. Gave them $300 . . . didn’t have sex. Another example of government waste!"
-Jay Leno
"Osama bin Laden has released another new video. That shows how dumb this guy is. He releases it the same week as Harry Potter."
-Jay Leno
-David Letterman
"A new poll claims that Dick Cheney has a 59 percent disapproval rating which makes him the least popular vice president in U.S. history. Even worse, the only people polled were Cheney’s wife and kids."
-Conan O'Brien
"Today family values conservative Republican senator from Louisiana, David Vitter, admitted that he has had sex with prostitutes. Apparently, years ago this Sen. Vitter guy had been seeing one of the D.C. madam’s escorts. You think the senator is embarrassed how about the hooker? Now the whole world knows she had sex with a politician."
-Jay Leno
"Ryan Seacrest attended Eva Longoria’s wedding. He said he cried during the ceremony because it was so moving. Meanwhile, Paula Abdul cried because it was a cash bar."
-Conan O'Brien
"They’ve updated the Seven Wonders of the World. Here’s the real wonder of the world. How I’ve managed to stay on television for 30 years."
-David Letterman
"The new Harry Potter movie comes out this week. One reviewer called it the dullest Harry Potter ever. He may be right because the new movie is called "Harry Potter and the Low-Yield Municipal Bonds."
-Conan O'Brien
"It so different living in Beverly Hills when it’s hot. It’s just different. Like the kids out here, when it gets hot, in my neighborhood they set up a lemonade tasting stand."
-Jay Leno
"This week, the city of Pamplona, Spain is hosting the annual running of the bulls. Or as the bulls call it, the annual trampling of the jerks."
Conan O'Brien
"John Edwards is on the campaign trail. He is now doing something called his "poverty tour” where he is visiting people who have no money and no hope. In fact, his first stop today — John McCain’s headquarters."
-Jay Leno
"It’s our president’s birthday. He’s 61 today. Also, Sylvester Stallone is 61 today. But Stallone and Bush don’t have much in common. One’s a bad actor who mumbles and blows stuff up, and the other is Sylvester Stallone."
-Craig Ferguson
"Boy has it been a hot summer. They call this the dog days of summer. Especially if you’re Michael Vick.
Atlanta Falcons Michael Vick has been indicted for his alleged involvement in a dog fighting ring. You know how he got caught? A pointer picked him out. Did you hear his excuse? He said, "The mean lady set me up.”"
-Jay Leno
"Nelson Mandela just announced that he is starting a group called The Elders that will be made up of retired global leaders who will tackle world conflicts. Mandela said The Elders will be like the Fantastic Four, but with bladder problems."
-Conan O'Brien
"In other political news, John McCain's communication director has quit. McCain had no immediate comment because his communication director quit."
-Jay Leno
"We have had so much rain in New York City today, half of the puddles in Times Square were actually water."
-David Letterman
"In a recent interview, the White House chef says that President Bush’s favorite meal is cheeseburger pizza. Next on the president’s list? Nachos spaghetti and corndog pudding."
-Conan O'Brien
"How about that Britney Spears? She wanted a dog so she went out and bought a dog . . . a $3,000 dog. Seems like it’s a lot of money, but it’s not just a dog, it’s a designated driver. And a babysitter."
-David Letterman
"The National Hockey League announced it’s going to kick off next season with a game in London. It’ll be the first time in League history that the people in the stands will have worse teeth than the guys on the ice."
-Conan O'Brien
"So hot here in New York City, instead of sunblock, they’re now recommending A-1 sauce."
-David Letterman
"The D.C. madam says that David Vitter sometimes paid $300 an hour just to have the hookers talk to him. Gave them $300 . . . didn’t have sex. Another example of government waste!"
-Jay Leno
"Osama bin Laden has released another new video. That shows how dumb this guy is. He releases it the same week as Harry Potter."
-Jay Leno
0 likes
-
TexasStooge
- Category 5
- Posts: 38127
- Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2003 1:22 pm
- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
- Contact:
"Here is something ironic. I went on eBay the other day and bought a Michael Vick doll. Turns out it’s my dog’s favorite chew toy. What are the odds of that?"
-Jay Leno
"Not such a great day for Lindsay Lohan — again. She’s telling her side of story though this time. She said the cocaine that was in her pants was not hers. It was put there by someone else. And you know what? I believe her. Hollywood is a dangerous place; people are always slipping stuff into your pants."
-Craig Ferguson
"Happy birthday to Barry Bonds! Forty-three years old today. Barry tested positive for cake."
-David Letterman
"Wal-Mart is considering investing in the retail business in China, but there are employee issues of slave labor, horrible working conditions, and brutal treatment. But China said, 'Oh, Wal-Mart is welcome any way.'"
-Jay Leno
" Soccer star David Beckham played his first soccer match on Saturday, as part of the L.A. soccer team. I think "played” is probably the wrong word. He was only on for 10 minutes. He was on for 10 minutes, took off his sweaty jockstrap, and went home. Exactly what I do here every night."
-Craig Ferguson
"I read in the paper that by the year 2015, obesity will be the leading cause of death. Especially for the person on the bottom."
-Jay Leno
"Anybody here in town last week when that big chunk of Lexington Avenue blew up? Now there’s this huge crater. It’s already becoming a tourist attraction. For $50 a team of burros will take you to the bottom."
-David Letterman
-Jay Leno
"Not such a great day for Lindsay Lohan — again. She’s telling her side of story though this time. She said the cocaine that was in her pants was not hers. It was put there by someone else. And you know what? I believe her. Hollywood is a dangerous place; people are always slipping stuff into your pants."
-Craig Ferguson
"Happy birthday to Barry Bonds! Forty-three years old today. Barry tested positive for cake."
-David Letterman
"Wal-Mart is considering investing in the retail business in China, but there are employee issues of slave labor, horrible working conditions, and brutal treatment. But China said, 'Oh, Wal-Mart is welcome any way.'"
-Jay Leno
" Soccer star David Beckham played his first soccer match on Saturday, as part of the L.A. soccer team. I think "played” is probably the wrong word. He was only on for 10 minutes. He was on for 10 minutes, took off his sweaty jockstrap, and went home. Exactly what I do here every night."
-Craig Ferguson
"I read in the paper that by the year 2015, obesity will be the leading cause of death. Especially for the person on the bottom."
-Jay Leno
"Anybody here in town last week when that big chunk of Lexington Avenue blew up? Now there’s this huge crater. It’s already becoming a tourist attraction. For $50 a team of burros will take you to the bottom."
-David Letterman
0 likes
-
TexasStooge
- Category 5
- Posts: 38127
- Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2003 1:22 pm
- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
- Contact:
"It was so hot today, NBA refs were fixing hockey games just to be near the ice."
-Jay Leno
"Hot today in New York City. So hot, Dick Cheney shot a buddy with a Super Soaker."
-David Letterman
"A man in Mexico who once weighed 1,200 pounds has lost almost half that weight and might enter the "Guinness Book of World Records” for most weight lost. The Mexican man lost the weight when the family inside him moved to America."
-Conan O'Brien
"It’s official — Brittney Spears and Kevin Federline finalized their divorce today. It’s the end of Camelot. K-Fed is now Fed-ex."
-Jay Leno
"They’re saying, in Graceland, they’re going to add a giant Visitor’s Center and a high-tech museum. I am worried they’re going to make it tacky!"
-Craig Ferguson
"Barry Bonds might break the home run record here in Los Angeles this week at Dodger Stadium. People will be sitting on pins and needles. Especially Barry."
-Jay Leno
"The New York Post reports that Britney Spears often feeds her children soda, candy, ice cream, and Doritos. Or as Britney calls them, the four food groups."
-Conan O'Brien
"A scary incident yesterday for Supreme Court Justice John Roberts. He collapsed on the ground outside his vacation home in Maine. Turns out he had a seizure. At first people thought he had just fallen over from leaning too far to the right."
-Jay Leno
"Several astronauts are denying accusations that they flew on the space shuttle while they were drunk. However, experts say the first step to recovery is admitting, 'Houston, I have a problem.'"
-Conan O'Brien
-Jay Leno
"Hot today in New York City. So hot, Dick Cheney shot a buddy with a Super Soaker."
-David Letterman
"A man in Mexico who once weighed 1,200 pounds has lost almost half that weight and might enter the "Guinness Book of World Records” for most weight lost. The Mexican man lost the weight when the family inside him moved to America."
-Conan O'Brien
"It’s official — Brittney Spears and Kevin Federline finalized their divorce today. It’s the end of Camelot. K-Fed is now Fed-ex."
-Jay Leno
"They’re saying, in Graceland, they’re going to add a giant Visitor’s Center and a high-tech museum. I am worried they’re going to make it tacky!"
-Craig Ferguson
"Barry Bonds might break the home run record here in Los Angeles this week at Dodger Stadium. People will be sitting on pins and needles. Especially Barry."
-Jay Leno
"The New York Post reports that Britney Spears often feeds her children soda, candy, ice cream, and Doritos. Or as Britney calls them, the four food groups."
-Conan O'Brien
"A scary incident yesterday for Supreme Court Justice John Roberts. He collapsed on the ground outside his vacation home in Maine. Turns out he had a seizure. At first people thought he had just fallen over from leaning too far to the right."
-Jay Leno
"Several astronauts are denying accusations that they flew on the space shuttle while they were drunk. However, experts say the first step to recovery is admitting, 'Houston, I have a problem.'"
-Conan O'Brien
0 likes
-
TexasStooge
- Category 5
- Posts: 38127
- Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2003 1:22 pm
- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
- Contact:
"Elizabeth Edwards is speaking out again. She says the problem with her husband’s fundraising campaign is she can’t make him black, and she can’t make him a woman. That’s the same problem with Michael Jackson’s people."
-Jay Leno
"Last night President Bush did not call Barry Bonds after he broke Hank Aaron’s homerun record, but today, Bush decided to make the call. Bush said, 'I realized I had a rare opportunity to talk to the only guy in the country who is less popular than I am.' "
-Conan O'Brien
"There was a guy in New York who got arrested for smuggling a monkey onto a plane. I can’t get four ounces of shaving creme onto a plane! How’s he get monkey on there?"
-Craig Ferguson
"It was a very big night for the very big-headed Barry Bonds. He has the all-time record for career homeruns. There was big skirmish in the bleachers for the ball. Collectors say it’s worth somewhere between $300,000 and $500,000, which is actually a lot less than some other baseballs. Some baseballs have actually fetched millions of dollars so I guess taking steroids really does shrink the value of your balls."
-Jimmy Kimmel
"In a recent interview with People magazine, Kathy Hilton said that her daughter Paris Hilton may have gotten a rash from the sheets in her cell. Today the sheets issued a statement saying, no, they got the rash from Paris Hilton."
-Jay Leno
"David Beckham and Posh Spice have got a new perfume coming out. It’s called "Intimately Beckham.” Apparently, it’s a delicate combination of anorexic breath and athlete’s foot. And that’s just hers."
-Craig Ferguson
"Earlier this year, there was a strange story about Keith Richards. He claims he once snored a mixture of cocaine and his dead father’s ashes. That was the story, but he denied it. Now, though, he’s saying he did snort his dad; he did not mix him with some cocaine. He only snorted his dad. Stars. They’re just like us."
-Jimmy Kimmel
"According to Glamour magazine, 83 percent of women tell their friends secrets to their husbands. So women, if you tell your girlfriend something, 83 percent chance she will tell her husband. But the good news? One hundred percent of the men aren’t listening anyway."
-Jay Leno
"Potential-for-candidate Fred Thompson is now busy defending his much younger wife. In a recent interview, he said all criticism of his wife should be directed at him. As a result, conservative groups told Thompson he’s been showing too much cleavage."
-Conan O'Brien
"President Bush signed a law on Sunday that broadly expands the government’s authority to eavesdrop on our telephone calls and e-mails without a warrant. So our phone calls are being watched, our e-mails are being watched. The only thing not being watched? NBC. Why can’t we get some of that action?"
-Jay Leno
"The New York Times reduced the size of their paper. They reduced the width by an inch and a half. The news was announced with the headline, 'Big News at New York Tim.'"
-Conan O'Brien
-Jay Leno
"Last night President Bush did not call Barry Bonds after he broke Hank Aaron’s homerun record, but today, Bush decided to make the call. Bush said, 'I realized I had a rare opportunity to talk to the only guy in the country who is less popular than I am.' "
-Conan O'Brien
"There was a guy in New York who got arrested for smuggling a monkey onto a plane. I can’t get four ounces of shaving creme onto a plane! How’s he get monkey on there?"
-Craig Ferguson
"It was a very big night for the very big-headed Barry Bonds. He has the all-time record for career homeruns. There was big skirmish in the bleachers for the ball. Collectors say it’s worth somewhere between $300,000 and $500,000, which is actually a lot less than some other baseballs. Some baseballs have actually fetched millions of dollars so I guess taking steroids really does shrink the value of your balls."
-Jimmy Kimmel
"In a recent interview with People magazine, Kathy Hilton said that her daughter Paris Hilton may have gotten a rash from the sheets in her cell. Today the sheets issued a statement saying, no, they got the rash from Paris Hilton."
-Jay Leno
"David Beckham and Posh Spice have got a new perfume coming out. It’s called "Intimately Beckham.” Apparently, it’s a delicate combination of anorexic breath and athlete’s foot. And that’s just hers."
-Craig Ferguson
"Earlier this year, there was a strange story about Keith Richards. He claims he once snored a mixture of cocaine and his dead father’s ashes. That was the story, but he denied it. Now, though, he’s saying he did snort his dad; he did not mix him with some cocaine. He only snorted his dad. Stars. They’re just like us."
-Jimmy Kimmel
"According to Glamour magazine, 83 percent of women tell their friends secrets to their husbands. So women, if you tell your girlfriend something, 83 percent chance she will tell her husband. But the good news? One hundred percent of the men aren’t listening anyway."
-Jay Leno
"Potential-for-candidate Fred Thompson is now busy defending his much younger wife. In a recent interview, he said all criticism of his wife should be directed at him. As a result, conservative groups told Thompson he’s been showing too much cleavage."
-Conan O'Brien
"President Bush signed a law on Sunday that broadly expands the government’s authority to eavesdrop on our telephone calls and e-mails without a warrant. So our phone calls are being watched, our e-mails are being watched. The only thing not being watched? NBC. Why can’t we get some of that action?"
-Jay Leno
"The New York Times reduced the size of their paper. They reduced the width by an inch and a half. The news was announced with the headline, 'Big News at New York Tim.'"
-Conan O'Brien
0 likes
-
TexasStooge
- Category 5
- Posts: 38127
- Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2003 1:22 pm
- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
- Contact:
"A lot of people are now calling Sen. Larry Craig a hypocrite, because he was a very vocal opponent of same sex marriages. He was against same sex marriages. But to be fair, he has never publicly come out against anonymous gay bathroom sex."
-Jay Leno
"This has to be embarrassing for Republicans. All these gay scandals and they still can’t get any support from Hollywood."
-Jay Leno
"The police report says he tapped his foot, which means 'I want gay sex.' And, also means I'll never wear my iPod to the bathroom again."
-Jimmy Kimmel
"The way I look at it, anyone who spends more than two minutes in an airport men's room is guilty of something."
-David Letterman
"Alberto Gonzales is stepping down, but he can't recall why."
-David Letterman
"Earlier today, after months of scandals and political pressure, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales announced he's going to resign. Gonzales said, 'There comes a time when a man should resign, and that time for me was last January.'"
-Conan O'Brien
Nicole Richie went to jail for her DUI conviction this weekend, but she only had to spend 82 minutes in prison. This is due to California's new “minute-per-pound” rule.
-Conan O'Brien
Good news: The Paris Hilton sex tape is being re-released with an hour of previously unseen footage. Fans say thanks to the extra hour, the plot finally makes sense.
-Conan O'Brien
"I guess it's no wonder that a poll out this summer put 'None of the Above' over all of the other Republican candidates. And if 'None of the Above' does get the Republican nomination, you know two things will happen: a) the Democrats will find a way to lose to him, and b) Bush will try to call and congratulate him."
-Bill Maher
"One of the president's daughters, the lovely Jenna Bush, is getting married. Now they're thinking, if they can just marry off Condoleezza Rice. Yea, it looks pretty good that Jenna's getting married, but first the guy has to be confirmed by Congress. ... It's going to be an expensive wedding. I guess it's no surprise, the $3 billion contract went to Halliburton."
-David Letterman
-Jay Leno
"This has to be embarrassing for Republicans. All these gay scandals and they still can’t get any support from Hollywood."
-Jay Leno
"The police report says he tapped his foot, which means 'I want gay sex.' And, also means I'll never wear my iPod to the bathroom again."
-Jimmy Kimmel
"The way I look at it, anyone who spends more than two minutes in an airport men's room is guilty of something."
-David Letterman
"Alberto Gonzales is stepping down, but he can't recall why."
-David Letterman
"Earlier today, after months of scandals and political pressure, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales announced he's going to resign. Gonzales said, 'There comes a time when a man should resign, and that time for me was last January.'"
-Conan O'Brien
Nicole Richie went to jail for her DUI conviction this weekend, but she only had to spend 82 minutes in prison. This is due to California's new “minute-per-pound” rule.
-Conan O'Brien
Good news: The Paris Hilton sex tape is being re-released with an hour of previously unseen footage. Fans say thanks to the extra hour, the plot finally makes sense.
-Conan O'Brien
"I guess it's no wonder that a poll out this summer put 'None of the Above' over all of the other Republican candidates. And if 'None of the Above' does get the Republican nomination, you know two things will happen: a) the Democrats will find a way to lose to him, and b) Bush will try to call and congratulate him."
-Bill Maher
"One of the president's daughters, the lovely Jenna Bush, is getting married. Now they're thinking, if they can just marry off Condoleezza Rice. Yea, it looks pretty good that Jenna's getting married, but first the guy has to be confirmed by Congress. ... It's going to be an expensive wedding. I guess it's no surprise, the $3 billion contract went to Halliburton."
-David Letterman
0 likes
-
TexasStooge
- Category 5
- Posts: 38127
- Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2003 1:22 pm
- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
- Contact:
"Sen. Larry Craig is now rethinking his decision to resign. He says he’s going to talk it over with his wife and the guy in stall No. 3."
-Conan O'Brien
"Senator Craig still insisting he is not gay. ... And today to prove it he went back to the Minneapolis airport and tried to solicit sex in the women's bathroom."
-Jay Leno
"Senator Fred Thompson is on the show tonight, and he says he has something major to announce. In America that can only be one of three things. So he's either pregnant, gay, or running for president."
-Jay Leno
"In a recent interview, Paris Hilton says she plans to catch a husband with her amazing lasagna. So I guess that’s what they’re calling it these days"
-Conan O'Brien
"Scientists in Russia have announced they will send a man to the moon by the year 2025. A defiant President Bush said today, 'not if we get there first.'"
-Jay Leno
"How about that President Bush, he makes that surprise trip to Iraq. Was pretty impressive don't you think? He spent a few quick hours visiting with the troops, and then he left. You know, it was just like his days in the National Guard."
-David Letterman
"Earlier today, Fred Thompson who is a former star of Law & Order, confirmed with his supporters that he is running for president. Afterwards, Thompson promised to solve the crisis in Iraq by the end of the episode."
-Conan O'Brien
"Well, President Bush is upset, very upset that the Iraqi parliament has failed any major legislation since taking office. I guess, of course, on the other hand, it made him feel right at home."
-Jay Leno
-Conan O'Brien
"Senator Craig still insisting he is not gay. ... And today to prove it he went back to the Minneapolis airport and tried to solicit sex in the women's bathroom."
-Jay Leno
"Senator Fred Thompson is on the show tonight, and he says he has something major to announce. In America that can only be one of three things. So he's either pregnant, gay, or running for president."
-Jay Leno
"In a recent interview, Paris Hilton says she plans to catch a husband with her amazing lasagna. So I guess that’s what they’re calling it these days"
-Conan O'Brien
"Scientists in Russia have announced they will send a man to the moon by the year 2025. A defiant President Bush said today, 'not if we get there first.'"
-Jay Leno
"How about that President Bush, he makes that surprise trip to Iraq. Was pretty impressive don't you think? He spent a few quick hours visiting with the troops, and then he left. You know, it was just like his days in the National Guard."
-David Letterman
"Earlier today, Fred Thompson who is a former star of Law & Order, confirmed with his supporters that he is running for president. Afterwards, Thompson promised to solve the crisis in Iraq by the end of the episode."
-Conan O'Brien
"Well, President Bush is upset, very upset that the Iraqi parliament has failed any major legislation since taking office. I guess, of course, on the other hand, it made him feel right at home."
-Jay Leno
0 likes
-
TexasStooge
- Category 5
- Posts: 38127
- Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2003 1:22 pm
- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
- Contact:
"The NFL is investigating whether or not the New England Patriots cheated during last Sunday's game by videotaping the opposing coaches and stealing their hand signals . . . This could turn out to be the worst scandal involving hand signals since Sen. Larry Craig got caught in that men's room."
-Jay Leno
"How about this Chinese lead paint on toys? The have finally agreed to ban the use of lead paint on toys. However, they will continue to use it on sweet and sour chicken."
-David Letterman
"Starbucks is considering adding a line of drinks that appeals to children. All Starbucks has to do now is figure out how to get kids to pay 12 bucks for a juice box."
-Conan O'Brien
"It looks like rapper Kanye West won that contest with 50 Cent. Both their albums came out on Tuesday. Kanye sold more albums, but 50 Cent sold more drugs."
-Jimmy Kimmel
"Rudy Giuliani and Fred Thompson are now tied neck and neck in national polls. Actually, you know, if they were on the ticket together, that would be a tough team for the Democrats to beat. I mean, if they could just get all their ex-wives to vote for them"
-Jay Leno
"Several Jewish groups are upset because President Bush issued Rosh Hashanah greetings over a week early. So they're saying that Bush doesn't know when Rosh Hashanah is. Bush says he'll make up the mistake by sending them all something nice for Christmas"
-Conan O'Brien
"Yesterday in Australia, a TV comedian dressed himself up over there as Osama Bin Laden and got within feet of Bush's hotel. They got him, and the Bush spokesman said it was obviously not the real Bin Laden because they caught him."
-Bill Maher
"Osama Bin Laden is set to release yet another video tape, ... he makes an appearance once or twice a year to show he's still alive. Kind of like the Rolling Stones."
-Jay Leno
"A New Orleans prostitute has come forward and said she has had sex with married Louisiana Senator David Vitter two or three times a week over a four-month period. This is actually good news for the Republicans. Finally a sex scandal involving a woman."
-Jay Leno
-Jay Leno
"How about this Chinese lead paint on toys? The have finally agreed to ban the use of lead paint on toys. However, they will continue to use it on sweet and sour chicken."
-David Letterman
"Starbucks is considering adding a line of drinks that appeals to children. All Starbucks has to do now is figure out how to get kids to pay 12 bucks for a juice box."
-Conan O'Brien
"It looks like rapper Kanye West won that contest with 50 Cent. Both their albums came out on Tuesday. Kanye sold more albums, but 50 Cent sold more drugs."
-Jimmy Kimmel
"Rudy Giuliani and Fred Thompson are now tied neck and neck in national polls. Actually, you know, if they were on the ticket together, that would be a tough team for the Democrats to beat. I mean, if they could just get all their ex-wives to vote for them"
-Jay Leno
"Several Jewish groups are upset because President Bush issued Rosh Hashanah greetings over a week early. So they're saying that Bush doesn't know when Rosh Hashanah is. Bush says he'll make up the mistake by sending them all something nice for Christmas"
-Conan O'Brien
"Yesterday in Australia, a TV comedian dressed himself up over there as Osama Bin Laden and got within feet of Bush's hotel. They got him, and the Bush spokesman said it was obviously not the real Bin Laden because they caught him."
-Bill Maher
"Osama Bin Laden is set to release yet another video tape, ... he makes an appearance once or twice a year to show he's still alive. Kind of like the Rolling Stones."
-Jay Leno
"A New Orleans prostitute has come forward and said she has had sex with married Louisiana Senator David Vitter two or three times a week over a four-month period. This is actually good news for the Republicans. Finally a sex scandal involving a woman."
-Jay Leno
0 likes
Who is online
Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 18 guests