All Together Now: GROAN!!! (Season 2)

[TexasStooge]

A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please."

The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth. The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog.

So, off he goes. The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus. Along comes a bus.

The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following. They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again!

There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.

The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake!"

To which the guy responds, "Clever? He's an idiot. This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"
[hr]
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars! There's nothing left but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"

The woman takes a bottle of wine from her car and puts the cap back on. She continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few swigs from the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. She shook her head and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

[TexasStooge]

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an
unusual offer.

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get
to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and
'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to
that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says:

"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."

The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."

The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made
me a much better offer."
[hr]
A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his
window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"

"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to
award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"

He thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."

The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't
pay attention to him - he's a smart butt when he's drunk and stoned."

The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

[TexasStooge]

Things You Shouldn't Ask Your Mother...

Seven year old Susie approached her mother one morning and asked, "Mommie how old are you?" To which her mother responded, "Now Susie, that is not a question you should ask a woman."

Susie then replied, "Well, how much do you weigh?" Once again her mother said, "Susie that is another question you never ask a woman."

Perplexed, Susie was sitting on the steps when her best friend eight year old Anna came by. "Why so sad?" Anna asked. Susie replied, "I asked my mother how old she was, and how much she weighed, but she wouldn't tell me."

Immediately, the ever worldly Anna put her hands on her hips, lilted to one side and advised Susie to get her mother's drivers license out of her purse and she could get all the answers.

Triumphantly, Susie marched into the kitchen where her mother was preparing dinner and announced, "I saw your driver's license, and know you are 35 years old." She continued with, "And I know you weigh 135 pounds."

Susie's mother sighed and admitted to her age and weight.

Finally Susie exclaimed, "And...I know why you and Daddy got a divorce." Puzzled by this remark her mother asked, "How do you know this?"

Susie waved the license in the air, and replied:

"It says right here you got an "F" in sex!!"
[hr]
Three birds were flying south for the winter. Unfortunately, there was an early frost and the birds
were caught in high altitude cold. Their wings froze and they fell to the ground where they began to
freeze.

Suddenly a cow came by and defecated on the birds. Beneath the blanket of warm dung the birds defrosted and came back to health.

The first bird was so happy at this turn of events that he climbed out of the pile of dung, shook himself
clean and began to dance about. This attracted the attention of a nearby cat that pounced on the happy
bird and ate him.

By this time the second bird climbed up and stuck his head out of the dung. He was so happy at this turn of events that he began to sing. This attracted the attention of the cat and he pulled the second bird out
from the dung and ate him.

At this point the third bird pushed himself out of the side of the dung and, not to attract the cat’s
attention, covered with dung, quietly walked over to hide in the high grass. Eventually he met up with his
friends who all ridiculed him for his stinking appearance. Nonetheless, third bird lived a long life.

He would later teach his grandchildren his version of the “Ten Commandments”:

1) Never try to fly as highest of the group.
2) Whatever goes up must come down.
3) Not everyone who defecates on you is your enemy.
4) Not everyone who pulls you out of dung is your friend.
5) Never dance as if no one is watching.
6) Never sing as if no one is listening.
7) Keep your mouth shut when others are celebrating their successes.
8) Always dress for the occasion.
9) In an emergency walk, don’t run to the nearest exit.
10) Never be ashamed of your appearance or of where you come from.
[hr]
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in Alabama. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair.

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person...because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general . . and all in the name of humor!"

The ventriloquist is extremely embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little smartmouth on your knee."

[TexasStooge]

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying:

"HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and
went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However,
the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog
jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to
type."

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and
gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager.

By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some
interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.

The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."

[TexasStooge]

An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car you scumbags !"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's seat.

She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.

She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than 5' tall, glasses, and curly white hair carrying a large handgun.
[hr]
Last summer, when the power mower was broken and wouldn't run Jane kept hinting to Dick, her husband, that he needed to get it fixed. However, for some reason the message wasn't sinking in.

She finally thought of a clever way to make the point. When Dick arrived home that day, he found her seated in the tall grass busily clipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

He watched silently for a short time, then went into the house. Jane thought she had again failed to get his attention. He was gone only a few moments, and when he came out again he handed her a toothbrush saying, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the sidewalks."

[TexasStooge]

Interesting Year 1981


1. Prince Charles got married

2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe

3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.

4. Pope Died



Interesting Year 2005


1. Prince Charles got married

2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe

3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament

4. Pope Died



Lesson Learned: The next time Charles gets married...someone warn the Pope

[TexasStooge]

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry...we can't hire you."

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed.
"Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

[TexasStooge]

Reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:

1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"

4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"

5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

6. "Did he kill you?"

7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"

10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"

11. Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"

12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: "I went to Europe, sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"

14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by whose death was it terminated?"

15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male or female?"

16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."

17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."

19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."

20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."

21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."

22. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
[hr]
Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things.

One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."

The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed and I couldn't remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!"

The third lady smiles smugly, "Well, my memory is just as good as it's always been, knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she says, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"

[TexasStooge]

After three crop failures in a row farmer Jones could not pay his loan at the bank. "Give me one more chance he pleaded. Don't take my farm, we'll be broke and homeless."

The bank manager comes up with an idea. "OK, one more chance but not with crops. No one fails at pig farming so we'll finance the purchase of five sows to start you off. Your neighbor down the road has a boar pig and you'll have to take your sows to him so the boar can service them. In a few months you should have a bunch of little piglets all ready for market.

Farmer Jones collects the five sows, loads them into his pickup truck, drives to his neighbor and unloads the five sows into the boar's pen. They then go back to the farm house and have a couple of beers.

When enough time has passed they go back to the boar's pen and load five happy sows into the pickup. Farmer Jones asks, "What if it didn't take?"

"That never happens with my boar," replies the neighbor.

"But how can I tell for sure?"

"Look, tomorrow morning observe your sows. If they're rolling in the mud, it took, if they're on the grass, call me."

The following morning farmer Jones observed his sows strolling on the grass. He calls his neighbor who instructs him to bring them back. He rounds them up, loads them into the pickup and drives to the boar'spen where the whole process is repeated.

Unlucky farmer Jones has to load them in the pickup and take them back four times. On the fifth morning he is so worried he can't look. He stalls for half an hour then asks his wife to look. "I hope they're not on the grass, dear."

"Well they're not," says his wife.

"Oh finally, then they're rolling in the mud!" exclaimed the farmer.

"No..."

"Well what are those fool sows doing?

"Well, four are trying to climb into the pickup and the fifth managed to climb into the cab and is trying to honk the horn!!!"
[hr]
Joe was not a very romantic person, and furthermore he was rather stupid. But he wanted to impress his wife, so he took her out for an anniversary dinner and watched the couples around them, following their leads.

He observed the couple next to him. The man lifted a sugar shaker towards his wife’s cup and said, "Sugar, sugar?" Joe thought this was great and continued to listen around the dining room.

Another table over Joe observed the following. A man spooned out some honey out of a bowl for his wife and asked, "Honey, honey?" Again Joe thought this was good stuff.

Finally, he cut off a piece of his meat, stared longingly into his young wife’s eyes and said, "Ham, pig?"

[TexasStooge]

A young woman said to her doctor, 'You have to help me, I hurt all over!'

'What do you mean?' said the doctor.

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled,'Ow, that hurts.'

Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, 'Ouch! That hurts, too.'

Then she touched her right earlobe. 'Ow, even THAT hurts!'

The doctor asked the woman, 'Are you a natural blonde?'

'Why yes,' she said.

'I thought so,' said the doctor. 'You have a sprained finger.'
[hr]
A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad."

The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.

"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked.

"Exactly," replied the instructor.

To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."

[TexasStooge]

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter". Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars". One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance." Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's 50 dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know -- 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

[alicia-w]

A russian an american and a blonde are all talking one day. The russian bragged "we were the first in space!" The american retorted "we were the first on the moon!" The blonde says " so what, were going to be the first on the sun!" The russian and american look at eachother and shook their heads. " You can't land on the sun, u fool. you'll burn up!" said the russian. The the blonde replied," We're not stupid, ya know. We're going at night!"

[alicia-w]

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and
catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.
She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.
The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Dang it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

[alicia-w]

[TexasStooge]

Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose in the other members' private lives. Church members were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny; he said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... and left it there all night!
[hr]
In front of a delicatessen, an art connoisseur noticed a mangy little kitten lapping up milk from a saucer. The saucer, he realized with a start, was a rare and precious piece of pottery.

He strolled into the store and offered two dollars for the cat. "It's not for sale," said the proprietor.

"Look," said the collector, "that cat is dirty and undesirable, but I'm eccentric. I like cats that way. I'll raise my offer to ten dollars."

"It's a deal," said the proprietor, and pocketed the ten on the spot.

"For that sum I'm sure you won't mind throwing in the saucer," said the connoisseur. "The kitten seems so happy drinking from it." "Nothing doing," said the proprietor firmly.

"That's my lucky saucer. From that saucer, so far this week I've sold 34 cats."
[hr]
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.

"Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" Asked the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details," The lawyer interrupted, "Just answer the
question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was
driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish
the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway
patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the
accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please
tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and
said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say."

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just
loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I
could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me." He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"
[hr]
Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.

Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.

Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"
[hr]
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

[TexasStooge]

The Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant doesn't answer. The Godfather asks again, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf-mute and cannot
understand you, but I can interpret for you."

The Godfather says, "Well, ask him where the @#!* money is." The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the three million dollars is. The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you're talking about." The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you're talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, center of circulation the trigger and says, "Ask him again where the @#!* money is!"

The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!" The
accountant signs back, "Okay! Okay! The money's hidden in a suitcase
behind the shed in my backyard!" The Godfather says, "Well, what did he
say?" The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says that you don't
have the guts to pull the trigger."
[hr]
A successful scientist was on his way to a seminar where he was supposed to give a lecture on his new breakthrough in research. His chauffeur saw his tired look and felt sorry for him.

"Sir, why don't you take the day off today", he said, "I've heard your lecture so many times by now I know it by heart. I can give the lecture and you can just sit back and relax."

The scientist thought this was a great idea, since he was sick and tired of giving the exact same lecture over and over again. When they arrived at the seminar the scientist put on the chauffeur's hat and seated himself in the back of the lecture hall. His trusted chauffeur walked to the podium and gave an excellent lecture showing at least as much confidence as the scientist would. At the end of the lecture the chauffeur asked,
just as his master always does, "Are there any questions?"

One of the professors in the hall stood up and asked a long question about a very complicated and highly theoretical matter. The chauffeur was panicking silently but finally managed to pull himself together.

"That, professor, is a very simple question," he answered, "in fact, it is so simple even my chauffeur can answer it."

[TexasStooge]

Returning from a trip to visit my grandmother in Canada, I was stopped by a state trooper in New York for exceeding the speed limit. Grateful to have received a warning instead of a ticket, I gave him a small bag of my grandmother's delicious chocolate chip cookies and proceeded on my way.

Later, I was stopped by another trooper. "What have I done?" I asked.

"Nothing," the trooper said, smiling. "I heard you were passing out great chocolate chip cookies."
[hr]
"Equal" is not always synonymous with "the same." Men and women are created equal. But, boys and girls are not born the same.

1. You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in the nose. You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it. Then it will hit him in the nose.

2. You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best, and she'll look just as pretty when you finally make it to church an hour later. You dress a boy in his Easter Sunday best, and he'll somehow find every mud puddle from your home to the church, even if you're driving there.

3. Boys' rooms are usually messy. Girls' rooms are usually messy, except it's a good smelling mess.

4. A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment at what nature has made. A baby boy will pick up a stick and turn it into a gun.

5. When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to dress them up and play house with them. When boys play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to tear off their appendages.

6. Boys couldn't care less if their hair is unruly. If their bangs got cut a quarter-inch too short, girls would rather lock themselves in their room for two weeks than be seen in public.

7. Baby girls find mommy's makeup and almost instintively start painting their face. Baby boys find mommy's makeup and almost instinctively start painting the walls.

8. If a girl accidently burps, she will be embarrassed. If a boy accidently burps, he will follow it with a dozen fake belches.

9. Boys grow their fingernails long because because they're too lazy to cut them. Girls grow their fingernails long - not because they look nice - but because they can dig them into a boys arm.

10. Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age. At an early age, boys are attracted to dirt.

11. By the age of 6, boys will stop giving their dad kisses. By the age of 6, girls will stop giving their dad kisses unless he bribes them with candy.

12. Most baby girls talk before boys do. Before boys talk, they learn how to make machine-gun noises.

13. Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie. Boys will cry if you turn off the VCR after they've watched "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" movie three times in a row.

14. Girls turn into women. Boys turn into bigger boys.

[TexasStooge]

In the middle of a huge metropolitan city was a skyscraper where at the top was a bar. At the end of a particularly hard day at work Jim went up to the bar to let go the stresses of that day. When he got there, there was already a man sitting at the bar drinking a particularly vile looking drink. This strange man said "watch this" and proceeded to walk over to one of the large windows lining the wall. He then picked up a chair and smashed out the window and stepped out.

He started falling toward the ground turning end over end and right before he hit the ground he stopped and proceeded to drift up. He floated back up through the window and went back over to the bar.

Jim looked at the bartender and said "I'll have what he's having!"

After a few rounds of the drink, Jim stumbled over to the window and fell out. He fell all the way to the ground and landed with a loud SMACK.

The bartender turns to the mysterious man and says "Superman, you're such a jerk when you're drunk!"

[TexasStooge]

BLIND MAN IN A BIKER BAR

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair -- given that you are blind -- that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,"No... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times".

[TreasureIslandFLGal]

I LOVE THAT ONE!!!!

I'm even a blonde myself but, I got it!!